Tag Archives: T

Self-Sabotaging?

I guess at no point was I considering my seeing T on Saturday a “date.”  I expected us to hang out, have a few drinks, talk a lot, and enjoy each other’s company.  So I didn’t find it unusual at all that I sent Dr Honeydew a few text messages during that time.  I couldn’t help it.  I was thinking about him.  Thinking it could have been him I was having drinks with and talking and laughing with.

At some point, I realized that was probably not cool.  So I stopped and  T and I talked tons and he showed me some cool websites with more info and pics of his country.  I am just so fascinated by it all.  They have such an interesting history. 

Oh, and did I mention that T got his ear pierced?!  I’m a dork, I know, but it’s way hot.  Anyway, more drinks later, and yes, things moved in other directions.  No need to go into detail, but it was more than just friendly behavior.  Why?  I don’t know.  Pick a reason:  being wanted feels nice, I miss kissing, I’m a selfish bitch, I was drunk, I was horny, he’s fucking hot.  Whatever.

I think what it really boils down to is two things.  One:  I feel like it’s completely ridiculous to shut myself off from others simply because of a psuedo-relationship I have with someone who lives 1200 miles away.  And two, which probably is the only real reason:  Dr Honeydew is soooo nice and soooo thoughtful and sooo sweet and sooooo smart and sooooo incredible.  And I couldn’t finally really be attracted to another “nice guy,” could I?!

True to form, however, when I talked to Dr Honeydew on Sunday, I told him I’d gone out with someone.  He wasn’t exactly thrilled about it, but at the same time, said even if I had been able to talk to him before I left, he would’ve wanted me to go.  That it’s not fair to expect me to hole myself up in my house for the next month.  And that he was actually surprised it hadn’t happened sooner.  He didn’t want details or names or whatever, but was perplexed as to why I was texting him during my “date.”

Anyway, long story slightly shorter, after much guilt (me) and much understanding I came to the conclusion that, at least until after his visit, I won’t be seeing anyone.  I’d rather see what happens with him first and not risk fucking that up over a serving of Turkish Delight that I know will always be a To Go order.

I think Dr Honeydew and I spent almost the entire day on the phone.  A few breaks here and there, but for the most part, we talked until the way wee hours of the morning (neither of us had to work Monday).

P.S.  Am I the only person in the world that had never had phone sex?  Granted, I preferred the real thing the night before, but damn.  I am such a whore.

I hate when I do this.

I wish I could talk to Dr Honeydew, my friend, right now.  Unfortunately, he’s working until 9pm my time and I’m supposed to see T around 9:30.  Even more unfortunately, I don’t think this is something I should talk to him about now anyway.  Granted, he’s still my friend, but I think other things would get in the way of this conversation.

In my more recent years of being single, I’ve come to the conclusion that sex between 2 mutally consenting partners is not wrong.  Especially when those 2 people both know where they stand and no one gets hurt.  I know not everyone agrees with this, but this is MY opinion and my life.   I’ve adopted the ‘if it feels good, do it’ attitude.  I see no reason why I should be expected to go without simply because I haven’t met my Mr Wonderful.  Understand, this does not mean I have been promiscuous or easy.  Over the past two years, there have been a grand total of 2 people that I have gone to to satisfy my physical urges.  One of these people happens to be T.   The other, well suffice it to say, he was never really my friend and I was never really satisfied.  So that is long since over. 

I’m not expecting that T and I seeing each other tonight will lead to sex.  However, being the person that I am, I have to worry about every potential scenario and the possible outcomes of each.  I do know that I am still very much attracted to him.  I also know that we are just friends and that any physical interactions with him will never amount to anything more than that. 

Two months ago, had this possibility presented itself, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought.  We’d see each other, and if we both wanted to do more than talk, we would.  Now, however, it’s complicated. 

Or is it?

Part of me thinks I still have every right to do and act exactly how I would if Dr Honeydew and I had not acknowledged things with each other.  But the other part of me feels like, so much more is surrounding his visit now.  And that, should things with T become physical, I’d be, in a round about way, cheating on Dr Honeydew somehow. 

At the very least, it would hurt him.

I just don’t know how much of what I’m thinking makes sense right now.  And that annoys me more than anything.  I do know that if Dr Honeydew went on a date with someone at this point, I would not be mad.  I would not be upset.  I would not be hurt.  In fact, I would be disappointed in him if he didn’t go if there was someone of any interest to him. 

I don’t think it would upset me.  Sure, I might be a little jealous.  But at the same time, he and I are just talking hypothetically right now.  We’ve yet to spend any real time together in person, so who knows what will translate into real life and what will not.  And I wouldn’t want him putting his life on hold or not doing things that he wanted to simply based on a possibility of something with me.

I really do wish I could talk to him about all of this right now.  If for no other reason than to get a gauge of what his thoughts are on the matter.  At the same time, I realize that would hardly be fair.  If he was upset by it, I wouldn’t want him sitting around worrying over what was or was not happening between T and I tonight.

And while I insist on worrying about every possible outcome, as I do with everything in my life, I generally tend to do whatever feels like the right thing at the time.  I like to think, having thought about it so much beforehand, this helps me better know what the right thing is when I’m faced with the actual situation.

Or maybe it just makes me completely mental.

Well, this should be interesting.

Just got a call from T.  I’ve failed to mention the few times we’ve talked since the big discussion.  He called to wish me a happy birthday, merry Christmas, and on New Years.  And I’ve seen him online a few times and we’ve chatted a bit.  But I haven’t seen him in person since we had the whole friends talk.

So anyway, he just called from work (he’s working a second job on the weekends now) and we talked for awhile.  Then he asked if I wanted to go have drinks or something after he gets off work.  He claims no alterior motive, just wants to see me.  The weather is supposed to get pretty nasty tonight.  It’s been below freezing all day and they are predicting rain/sleet/freezing rain/etc.  So I said I really wasn’t planning to go anywhere if the weather is bad.  He offered to come pick me up.  Or just hang out over here for a little while.

I guess we’ll see how this whole ‘we’re just friends who used to have great sex’ thing goes.  And why do I suddenly feel guilty about it?  Like I know Dr Honeydew wouldn’t be comfortable with the idea of T and I hanging out.  In fact, I worry that he’d be hurt by it.  It’s not like we have some sort of exclusive relationship.  Hell, it’s not like we have a relationship at all…we’ve just been moving in the direction of the idea of potentially having one. 

Shit.  This is such a weird place to be.  Of course, if the whole ‘just friends’ thing with T holds true, I shouldn’t feel guilty.  But I also know how we can be sometimes… 

And whatever happens with T, do I talk to Dr Honeydew about it?  I am the world’s most horrible liar, but at the same time, I don’t want to make him feel weird or worried or upset or anything either.   I know he and I are officially still just the best of friends, but does the fact that we are interested in exploring other options justify my feeling guilty about seeing T tonight?? 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Around this time last year, I had enjoyed several servings of Turkey (wink, wink) and was rushing him out the front door because my parents were less than an hour away and I still had to clean house.  This year, no Turkey for me.  And no turkey either. 

I normally get Thursday and Friday off for Thanksgiving.  However, this year, they decided to give us the option of saving the Friday and using it in December.  Since I’d rather have the time off for Christmas, I opted to work this Friday so I could have the extra day later.  Then, Monday, I end up sick and haven’t been in to work all week.  So now I am working today and tomorrow to avoid wasting 3 days of vacation on being sick. 

My brother that lives in this area, Duckie, has the whole week off from work, so he made use of one of middle brother’s, Red Baron’s, passes and flew to San Diego to visit oldest brother, Dilbert, and his family for the week.  He got there Saturday evening.  Mom & Dad headed that way on Tuesday.  I’m not sure if Red Baron and his family decided to go, too, or not.  Since Red Baron’s family usually spends most of the holiday with my sis-in-law’s family, they may have opted to stay in town. 

So, here I sit, on Thanksgiving day, alone with my dog, watching the Thanksgiving Day Parade on tv.  I could feel sorry for myself for missing out on being in San Diego (somewhere I’ve never been) with the rest of my family.  Or for being sick and snot-nosed and working when I should be off.  Or for still being single, with no hope of ever meeting Mr. Right.  Or for being buried in debt and having to force myself to keep the same crappy furniture for another year to avoid further burying myself.  I could really have a pity party. 

But…

I’m not.  Instead, I’m grateful for being able to work from home, in my PJs, with my dog to keep my feet warm.  I’m grateful to own my own home (yes, I realize, I am still paying for it). 

I’m thankful for my family and all they have done for me and continue to do for me.  My parents totally and completely rock, there is no arguing that.  My brothers, although I don’t get to see them as often as I’d like, are cool as hell and are there for me whenever I need them.   I have the most adorable, sweet, and smart nieces and nephews who are growing up faster than I’d like to admit. 

I’m thankful for the friends I have made in the past few years that literally pulled me out of the depths of my despair.  I’m thankful for those that I have managed to establish true friendships with.  I’m grateful for those that annoy the crap out of me and force me out of the house when I don’t want to be as well as those that know when it’s best to just leave me alone.

I’m thankful for the promotion I received at the end of last year.  I have truly enjoyed my job exponentially more than I did previously.  I’m grateful for the opportunity I was given and the challenges I faced.  I’m grateful I was able to meet, and even exceed, the expectations that were made of me. 

So while I could find something to complain about, on today of all days, why would I?  Cheers to you and yours!

Happy Turkey Day!

Officially, no response from T.

It dawned on me that it’s been roughly a month since I sent that email to T.   I think that officially qualifies as a non-response.  Honestly, I’d pretty much forgotten about it until Nala (Mexigoalie’s bf) asked me what was going on with T and me.  And then I remembered…the email.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised.  And maybe even disappointed.  As he’s always been very well-mannered with me, I expected atleast a courtesy reply.  I knew when I sent it, I ran the risk of ending the relationship completely.  But that’s ok.  I still feel good for saying what I wanted/needed to say.

Atleast I got some fun memories out of it.  And a cool cd.  😉

So I sent that email…

Well, sort of.  I sent an amended version of it based on the conversation I had with T last night.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  First, about the phone call. 

It was a little superficial at first.  Then he mentioned that I could keep the cd he loaned me, so I’m thinking, ok, that definitely means he doesn’t have any plans of us seeing each other anymore.  So I tell him, I’ve already made a copy (noooo!  I would never do that!) and will mail it to him if he wants.  Then he’s all, no, that’s silly…which leads to more discussion about our situation.  He still talks out of both sides of his mouth a little bit, which I could easily read things into.  But I’m not.  I’m taking it at face value.  He’s just not into me (stupid book).  We both like each other as people.  Period.  Dot.  End of sentence. 

We talked about the friendship thing and he said he does want to be friends, but he’s afraid he is going to feel bad every time he looks in my eyes now because he hurt my feelings.  Well, he did.  But I’m a big girl and understand you can’t force something if it isn’t there.  So today, I altered the dreaded draft email to address some of the things we talked about.  And basically just left it as I think you’re a good person, I’d like for us to be friends, I don’t know if we can agree on what that means, and if it’s uncomfortable just say so and let’s be done with it.  And then I hit the Send button.

I figure one of several things will happen now:

  1. He’ll be annoyed by it and not respond.
  2. He’ll feel uncomfortable about the whole situation and not respond.
  3. Some other variation of not responding.
  4. He’ll feel uncomfortable about it and respond to tell me it’s too awkward for us now.
  5. He’ll respond and tell me he just wants hot sex on occasion.
  6. He’ll respond and tell me he wants to be friends and have hot sex.
  7. He’ll respond and tell me he wants to redefine our friendship.

Feel free to add your input or other possible outcomes.  😛

Oh, and my Stars had to go and lose to the damn Canucks last night.  Pheh!

On a brighter note, they are giving away tons of free tickets to the next few home games (still trying to win those fans back).  A friend of mine that I don’t get to see as often as I’d like (the girl who helped me drink too much wine at my open house…I’ll call her Red) won platinum seats to this Thursday’s game and invited me to go with her.  Since that wasn’t one of my season ticket games (I share my seat with another lady), I jumped at the chance.  Should be good times.

And the following week, yours truly won platinum seats to the game against the Sharks.  Yay!

Dammit.

Spent the last hour talking to T.  It was really nice to hear from him.  I do want to be his friend, I really do.  He really is a nice guy.  If only he wasn’t so freaking hot. 

Ok, in my wine-infused drunkedness, I will refrain from typing any more and will now go watch my Stars play their final game of the roadtrip against the  Canucks.  I could watch Mikey take faceoffs allllll niiiiiight looooong. 

Hockey and a missed call

Took my parents to the game tonight against the Blues.  That was certainly a welcome break!  AND we won.   It’s preseason, I know, but still.  One more preseason game at home this Saturday and then the real deal starts next Wednesday!  Can’t wait!!!

After the game I noticed a missed call on my phone.  A call from T.  I haven’t talked to him since our big “discussion.”  And no, I never did send that email.  Never deleted it either.  I think the ball was still in my court to figure out the could we still be friends thing.

Anyway, he left a message.  Saying he was glad to hear my family was all safe and sound.  And to give him a call when I had a chance.  I would’ve called back when I saw the message, but wasn’t too keen on doing so while walking back to the car with my parents after the game.  And by the time I got home, it was too late.  Probably for the best, right?

I’ll call him back sooner or later.  Awhile back, I had offered to take him to his first hockey game next weekend.  I’m sure he’s forgotten about it. 

Now that there’s been some space to let the emotion and disappointment subside, I think we could actually do the friend thing, if we can agree on what that means.  It’s the “benefits” part I’m not sure of.  I’d hate to give that up.  I’m pathetic, I know. 

As for the good news, well, my parents have heard that one of their rent houses has a huge tree through the roof, but their other houses appear to have only minor damage.  Some shingles gone, lots of trees down, but no visible structural damage.  Granted, that’s from the street view of the houses, so the backs could be worse, but we’re thinking positively.  No word on when they will allow people back into Beaumont.  Still sounds like atleast a week.  Probably longer.

Oh, screw it.

It’s MY journal and if I’m thinking something I should be able to write about it.  That’s the whole point of this thing for me, isn’t it?  To record who I am and what I’m feeling today.  To vent.  To get it all out.  To second guess myself.   To rant.  To ramble.  To blathe?  (Sorry…Princess Bride reference).

I’ve always been the type of person who needs to get things out on paper (or computer these days).  Many times, after doing so, I simply hit the delete key and feel better for just having gotten it out of my system.  So, with that in mind, I started drafting an email that I had no intentions of ever sending to T.  Just clearing things up.  Explaining why I thought the things I thought.  And his role in all of that.  And whether or not we can remain friends (which would have to be redefined). 

I did this the other day and it helped a little.  Having been through several edits, it’s not accusatory.  It’s not bitter.  It’s not obnoxious.  It’s not whiney.  It’s not asking him to reconsider.  It’s just honest.  But I couldn’t make myself hit the delete key.  So it’s now lurking in my draft folder.  And I’m thinking to myself,  we were friends before, and could always talk about things.  Why should this have to be any different? 

Send?  Delete?  Send?  Delete?

I think I’ll let it breathe in my draft folder a little while longer.

I hate this cd now.

Stupid freaking T music. 

I wish I could turn off all the crap running through my mind like I can my stereo.  I spent all last night (and I do mean ALL) beating myself up for being so wrong.  I’ve spent most of today beating T up (in my head only of course) for all the things he said and did that totally encouraged me thinking what I thought.

Anyway.  I’m going to shut up about it now.  This will be embarrassing to come back and read later and see that I let myself get all sadbitchymopey about it.  It’s not like I was in love with the guy.  Although, I think, in time, I could’ve been.  Yikes.  So the positive side of this story is that I found out where I stand before it got to that point.

And I don’t really hate the cd.  I still love it.  I’m just being a girl.

Great night with T

We ended up going to a nice little place with a (small, but really good) jazz band.  The food was good, the conversation was great, the music was excellent.  The only negative was the cramped little table we were at by the wall.  I’m really fascinated with T’s background and culture.  I was never good at U.S. history, much less world, but the more I talk to him about where he is from, the more I want to learn.  <dork> I ordered some books about it (with a gift card I already had, of course) on B&N today.  </dork>

We talked about our families, how we were raised, the relationships our parents have, our views on marraige and family and goals in life.  The more I talk to him and learn about him, the more I *gulp* like him.  Danger!  Danger Will Robinson!!

Which leads us to the big question of the night, which took place after dinner.  We sat and talked in the restaurant for another hour or so and then decided to go to a nearby bar for a few drinks.  It was nice out so we walked over there.  I noticed, during our walk, he not only did not try to hold my hand or put his arm around me (he used to), but he had his hands in his pockets.  So, we get to the bar, and after a drink and mindless chatter, amidst the crowd and the live band and the football game on tv, I figure it’s now or never. 

So… I ask him what is it exactly that we are doing?  Are we dating?  Are we just friends?  Are we just friends who have sex occasionally?  What?  And he’s quiet for a few seconds.  Awkward.  I say there is no reason for him to feel pressured or cornered or uncomfortable.  That I genuinely just want an honest answer.  Here’s me paraphrasing the next bit.

T:  We are friends.

Me:  Ok.

T:  No, I mean we are definitely friends.  At the very least.

Me:  Ok.

T:  What do you think?

Me:  I’d agree with that.  At the very least, friends.

T:  I think before, until when you didn’t hear from me for awhile, we were dating.

Me:  And now?

T:  Well did you think that?

Me:  I didn’t initially, when we first started going out.  Like I told you, I didn’t think you wanted that.  But then, for those last several months, we were seeing each other more and more and yes, I felt like we were dating.  Which is why it was so disappointing to just suddenly not hear from you for awhile.

T:  I know.  And I am really sorry about that.  I haven’t told you all of it….

So he begins telling me more of what was going on during those months he was incognito.  Along with some of the other issues, he tells me about how he really thought he was going to have to go back home.  About his frustrations.  About not wanting to have to leave.  And how, because of the situation he is in, he can’t get comfortable here.  He doesn’t know ultimately what will happen.  He wants to stay, but between working to pay his bills and school, he’s struggling with both.  And fears that, at any moment, one little slipup and he’s gone.  And that because of that, he doesn’t know if he should get too close or involved in a serious relationship. 

Part of me, trying to understand the situation he is in, sees his point.  Another part of me thinks this is the whole wants-his-cake-and-eat-it-too speech.   So I ask what is it he would like for me to do.  Because one minute he wants to see me more, and the next, he’s unsure.  He says he does want to see me and talk to me.  That I am the most genuine and real person he’s met here.  “A very decent person,” I believe he said.  Something like that.  Anyway, based on past talks with him, I take it as a very sincere compliment. 

So as the conversation (and my drinks) progress, he mentions how some of his friends here (from where he is from) told him he will never make it through school here.  Never get his citizenship.  Unless…….can you guess what is coming next? 

Marraige.

They told him about women here who will do that for a specified monetary exhange.  And he laughed and seemed surprised by this.  He said, I can barely take care of myself, how am I supposed to take care of a wife and kids.  I told him, in that type of arrangement, I think the only “taking care of” you are expected to do is a monthly payment or something.  And doubt there would be any kids.  So then I’m curious as to just how much thought, if any, he has given this idea.  So we talk and joke about it more. 

Then we get back to talking about what is it he wants out of being here.  Get a degree and go home?  Stay here?  He wants to stay here.  And have the freedom to go home and visit.  Right now, if he does that, he is worried something will happen and he won’t get to come back.  So I tell him all he can do is focus on the things he has control over.  He has to be in school fulltime.  He has to earn enough money to live.  Those are inflexible.  So we talk about different options, jobs, income, etc.  I can tell he is overwhelmed and stressed over these things, and has been for some time.  And he won’t ever ask for help.  So I offer to do some research on student loans, international students, etc and see what I can find.  I work with a lot of people who have been in his position and feel certain they could provide some good information.

He tells me I don’t have to do that.  I say I know that….again, this is what friends, people who care about each other, do.  He again mentions that I am a very decent person.  And laughs and says that if he was going to pay someone to marry him, he’d pay me.

Um.  A joke?  Yes.  I think.  But still.  I’m all speechless and stuff.

Finally I laugh, a little too forced, and say, I’m not going to marry you so you can stay here.  We both had said earlier that it was something we hoped to only do once.  So we better make damn sure we picked the right person in the first place.  He says he knows.  He’s just frustrated.  I say, if you want something bad enough, you’ll find a way to make it work.  Stop worrying about the small stuff and focus on the big picture and the steps you need to take to get there.

So that was pretty much the end of that particular topic of conversation.  I guess I really didn’t get an answer to my question.  And at the same time, I did.

We walked back over to our cars and stood there, leaning against my car and/or each other, and talked for another 30-40 minutes.  About our past relationships.  About our friends.  About life in general.  And whether or not either of us was ready to call it a night.  That led to much kissing (and every nerve ending in my body rejoiced…I swear I could kiss this man for hours).  And then, sex-starved whore that I am said either come to my place or take me to yours.

We opted for mine.  It was closer. 

Yay!  It was a great night.  I miss sex.  Sigh.  Talked a little more afterwards.  I love that he doesn’t just rollover and pass out.  It was a great way to wake up, this morning, too.  I forget how much I miss waking up with someone.  And that groggy-eyed cuddling that leads to wakeup sex.  For me, not a morning person AT ALL, it’s always a pleasant mix of being awake and a really good dream.  And then after awhile he had to leave.  I told him he never really gave me a straight answer.  We’ll talk about it some more later, he said.  A hug, kiss on the cheek, kiss on the forehead, and he headed home, after grabbing my paper for me from the front yard and loaning me a cd of some music I wanted to hear. 

I’m more and less confused about things now than I was before, if that makes sense.  Why do I always like either jerks or guys that are, ultimately, unavailable to me?  I’m thinking more and more that T falls into the latter category. 

SPF & Dinner Dates

Stuff Portrait Friday

Only my second week in to playing and I failed miserably.  I didn’t even attempt to play.  Sorry, football is not my bag, baby.  But I did enjoy seeing everyone else’s pictures.  I’ll have to see what next week’s assignment brings.

I got a call from T a little while ago.  We made plans to go to dinner tomorrow night.  And already, I find myself falling back into old habits.  Having been cheated on, habitually, in my past relationships, I tend to be suspicious.  Of everything.  And second guess everything that is said.  I’ve gotten better at not being (quite) so mental, but I do still find myself remembering the most minute details of conversations.  Then, later, when something is said that varies from that, even slightly, big red flashing sirens start going off in my brain.  That happened earlier, when talking to T.  I should also mention that English is not his first language, so that has lead to misunderstandings in the past.  Adding to the confusion.  Sigh.

I think, should dinner actually happen tomorrow, we will have a conversation about these things.   And about what it is, exactly, that we are doing.  I’ve had no problem with the casualness of our relationship over the past year, but I just want to know where things stand.  He’s said things lately that have made me think it’s not as casual as I have tried to keep it.  But he’s also been, as far as I know, incredibly honest with me about what else he may or may not be doing and likewise from me.  So now, with the warning lights going off, I want to approach the issue now rather than sweep it under a rug until there is a huge pile of crap there to wade through. 
One thing I have learned, and will pass on to all of you out there, is, if you think you are being lied to by your partner (or potential partner), never, and I do mean never, show your hand until you know what s/he is holding.   I’m sure I’ll be criticized by some for saying that, but understand me…I’m not talking about playing head games.  I’m talking about not making or breaking something until you really know the situation.  In most cases, s/he will either set the record straight, or bury themself with lies.  At no point prior to that should you divulge whatever bits of information you know.  Or think you know.  That only shows them the way out, should they be trying to deceive you.  And should you be misguided in your suspicions and tell them about it upfront, it will only make you seem, well…mental.

Damn.  Now I sound like psychocrazybitterbitch.  I’m so not that person (anymore).  Honest. 

Enough of that…what in the crap am I going to wear tomorrow night?  And where should we go for dinner?  These are questions that need answers. 

Truth Time with T

Mondays almost always suck.  Today wasn’t really any different.  Only it didn’t suck as badly as it could have, I guess.  Work was busy.  Still have work that I have to finish up tonight. 

I got home around 7 and have been sitting here going through the mail, looking at a magazine, and listening to the cd T loaned me.  I wish it had the case to go with it (although I’m certain I wouldn’t be able to read any of it) just so I’d know who it was or to try and read along with the lyrics or something.  Again, I’d have no idea what they were saying, but still.  I really like this music.  Definitely not going to make a copy of it.  That would be wrong.  😉

Hopefully things will work out so that I can take Thursday off to go to (specific event) with friends that day.  Should be fun if I can swing it.

*** This entry interrupted by a phone call from T ***

Truth Hurts

 

Ok.  It’s now after midnight and I have all my answers.  Three hours of conversation and there will be no happy couple here.  Atleast not with T.  He thinks I am a great person and a wonderful friend.  And really his only friend here that he can hang out with.  I said I am not in the habit of sleeping with my “friends” (well, there were some adventures in my youth, but that’s another story).  He said yeah, maybe that was not so good.  But admittedly, we did have sex the 2nd time we ever saw each other (soooo not like me).  And he thought we were having fun.  And we were.   We were (are) friends and both happened to want sex, so he didn’t see the harm.  Honestly, I didn’t either.  I was convinced I was finally having “casual sex” for the first time in my life.  And handling it quite well.  For awhile.  Until the whole feel of dating came into play and then I had to go and be such a damn girl and start having emotions and shit. 

We both agreed I should’ve asked the question a long time ago (we met a year ago yesterday).  But, until earlier this year, I didn’t think it was an issue.  Until we started going out more.   And doing couple-like things.  Curling up on the couch together.  Holding hands.  All that mushy crap. 

He said he didn’t want to give me false hope (hey Nilla, you were atleast half right!  And I guess I was right about the unavailable part) but that he did not feel that way about me and didn’t think that would change.  Gee…then maybe you should consider NOT saying things like (in response to conversations about my ex) “I would never treat you like that” or “I would never do that to you.”  While putting your arm around me.  Yeah.  You wouldn’t do that to me because you had no plans of ever really dating me.  Hello?!!! 

I feel like such a fucking idiot right now.  But am glad to have an honest answer.  He said he felt bad for making me feel bad and I don’t want him to think that.  I’m glad he was honest finally.  I really am.  Peoples’ actions (or should I say, my interpretation of those actions) don’t always match with reality.  And I read way too much into things I guess.  Although I won’t accept full responsibility for that.  I mean, T did play a role.  He may not have known it, but he certainly gave me enough ammunition to shoot myself in the foot.  Or heart.  Whatever. 

He says he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend.  Doesn’t want me out of the picture.  But that is up to me.  I tell myself we can try to still be friends and I can go back to the mindset I had before…that we are just having fun.  And we do have fun together.  And I actually have remained friends with some of the people I’ve dated in the past (Yes…I KNOW….T and I are NOT dating.  I get it!!!)  That I can forget all the thoughts I’ve had and we can still hang out.  But I don’t know if that is realistic for me. 

My first adventure into the world of casual sex and I failed miserably.  What is most irritating to me is that, this is the first guy I’ve met  that I actually liked since Jackass and I split up five years ago.  Someone please help me wash this big clueless sign off my forehead. 

If you’ve got a spare $40k…

You can get a really sweet bathroom remodel.  Can you tell I’ve been watching HGTV?  Honestly, it’s insane what people spend on stuff like this.  Granted, I’d LOVE to have a big spa-like bathroom, but come on.  Of course, I’m guessing the houses of the people doing these remodels are probably worth infintely more than mine, too.  I’m just in awe.

I finally called the new gyn today about scheduling an appointment.  Turns out I have a 10 page form I have to submit first.  Can’t they just get my previous medical history stuff from my old gyn?  I can’t answer more than half of the stuff on this damn thing.  I’m supposed to remember dates of procedures I had done a decade ago?  Yeah, sure.  And define frequent.  Do I have frequent headaches?  Um…yes?  I have one right now, thanks to all these questions.

An old highschool boyfriend use to have the best headache cures ever.  First, he’d do this weird, painful massage thing on my hand.  Then if that didn’t work, he’d talk me through describing it to him.  I thought he was insane the first time he did it.  What color is your headache?  What shape is it?  What does it smell like?  You get the idea.  Then after lots of that, he’d say “how does your head feel now?”  And believe it or not, about 70% of the time, the headache was gone. 

If all 3 of those “cures” failed, there was the old reliable:  sex and ice cream.  Made that remaining 30% more bearable.  Maybe I just need to get laid.  If dinner with T pans out this weekend, it could make for an excellent dessert. 

Holiday Weekend Over

How sad.  I’m not ready to go back to work.  It’s been so nice being lazy.  And I don’t even feel guilty about it.  Other than a few small projects around the house, I have done absolutely nothing the past 3 days.  In fact, I didn’t even leave the house except for once last night to buy smokes and pick up some Taco Bueno.  I’m not a hermit, really.  I’m just conserving gas.  😛

I talked to T earlier tonight.  I guess we really have been crossing signals or something.  I don’t call him because I don’t want to be annoying.  Plus I know he’s either working or in class all day and night.  He doesn’t call because I don’t call so he thinks I don’t want to talk to him.  He had fun hanging out with my friends but thinks it doesn’t matter if he is there or not because I am having fun with my friends either way.  And that I see them all the time, but him, not so much.  There was a month or so there where we saw each other almost every week.  And I didn’t know what to make of it. 

I told him you are welcome to come out with us anytime.  I would love to see you more often.  But you told me, almost a year ago, you had to focus on work and school and did not have time for a girlfriend.  I’m trying to respect that.  I like spending time with you.  With or without my friends.  All you have to do is ask.  I’m not a freaking mind reader, although some of my old friends were convinced I was psychic.  Or maybe they meant psycho.    Anyway.  So he said he did not remember saying he didn’t have time for a girlfriend.  Whatever.  Maybe he said it because, at the time, we barely knew each other and he wasn’t sure who he was dealing with.  I’m the type of person that, you tell me something like that, I’m not going to argue with you or try to change your mind. 

So he tells me I can call him anytime.  If he is busy, he will call back when he can.  I say likewise.  And invited him to dinner this weekend.  He says he doesn’t think he has any plans and would like that.  The not thinking he has plans thing…um…does that mean he’s waiting to see if a better offer comes along?  Or am I being anal?

Ugh.  When did dating become so complicated? 

Will work for food

Earlier this week, one of my bosses sent out an email to the managers and head of our department about the big project proposal we’ve been working on.  And made it a point to single me out as the person who put it together….and that it can be used as the foundation of a new service/product for us.  Lots of praise basically.   

It was nice to get the public pat on the back.  I’m saving all these things for future reference.  I’ve gotten quite a few of them since starting my new position at the beginning of the year.  Should come in handy when it comes time for my review.  I like to think so atleast.

So anyway, today, my other boss (I have 2 basically) sends me an email thanking me for my efforts.  And tells me to go have dinner with a friend and expense it as a reward.  Cool. 

I’m trying to decide where I’d like to go.  Think I’ll invite T, which means I probably won’t do it this weekend.  He’s supposed to be babysitting his niece as a favor so his brother and sister-in-law can celebrate their anniversary.