Tag Archives: stress

Peaceful, easy feeling

It’s an overcast, breezy Sunday morning and I am sitting on the patio, drinking my coffee, and playing a little fetch with Loki.  The past 3 weeks have been utter hell.  We have an OFCCP audit at work next week and so I have been working 12-18 hour days, including weekends, to make sure all of our ducks are in a row.  I have been the living dead for 3 weeks now.

Friday afternoon, we were able to finish up the most urgent of our work and I actually left the office by 5pm.  It was a tiny miracle so I felt I needed to take the opportunity to unwind a little and talked a coworker into going to the dive bar near work for a couple of drinks.  After that, I met my friend V at one of our fave little neighborhood bars for more drinks and to catch up. 

I just have to say that it was the perfect slice of heaven at that particular moment.  I was finally able to relax, laugh, and just generally feel human again.  And the added bonus is that I was able to sleep that night!  No insomnia, just crashing from sheer exhaustion!  The weeks of little to no sleep had finally caught up with me and the drinks managed to shut my brain off enough to allow me to finally get some much needed rest.

After getting to bed around 2am, I was up letting Loki out around 8…but then laid back down on the couch and slept until…SIX PM!!!  I would’ve felt guilty except for the fact that I KNEW I needed it!

Today, rather than stressing out over the audit and whatever else this week will throw at me, for this moment, this peaceful moment on my patio with my dog, I am relaxing and it feels great.

Mama’s got a brand new bag!

In defiance of the ridiculous hours I’ve put in this week, I took the afternoon off today.  Well, I took a couple of hours off and then came home and worked some more.  That customer issue from Monday is still ongoing and the lady behind it is making serious waves.  I think a discussion with my boss is in order because she is expecting things that we cannot, and have never claimed to be able to deliver. 

Anyway, so this afternoon I got to treat myself to a manicure and pedicure at the Red Door Spa.  I don’t think I would ever in my life spend that kind of money to do it again, but since this was a secret shopper thing, I’ll be reimbursed, so it was basically free.  Except for the time it took to fill out their survey online when I got home.  And the 4-5 weeks it will take to get repaid.

It was nice though.  I got their Sea Spa pedicure, complete with a tingly peppermint mask on my feet.  And a pretty dark burgandy color for my toenails that, after the first coat looked frighteningly hot pink.  But luckily the second coat cured that.

The lady talked a little too much for my liking….I just want to relax, not carry on a conversation.  She talked me into a french manicure for my fingernails.  I’ve never had one and since my nails are actually all relatively long right now, I agreed to it.  I’m not sure I like it though.  I just don’t see myself as a french manicure kind of girl.

I stopped by Kohls, too, and picked up a few of their little patio table things that were on clearance.  And….not one, but TWO new purses.  The most amazing part, however, is that I didn’t buy any shoes.  I didn’t even bother to look. 

I desperately need some time away from the computer.  I swear my eyeballs feel like they are on fire lately.  Hopefully this weekend I’ll get a real break and can stay away from it for a few days.  Knowing me, that’s highly unlikely.  Not that I won’t get a break but that I’ll stay off the computer.  😛 

This is Otis. I love Otis.

Ok, so I worked all weekend.  That I was expecting.  What I was NOT expecting was to end up working 13 hours yesterday, having to cancel my plans for the night, and working about 4 hours today.  Damn customers with their damn issues.  Granted, this one came up last week, but I wasn’t working it.  When the lady sent a very irrate email to me, my boss, and a number of other people yesterday, I responded and explained to her what I had already explained to a member of her team last week.  To which she replied that was completely unacceptable.  Um…? 

So I call her and talk through it and she insists it should’ve been fixed last week.  Critical, audit, blah, blah, blah.  And everyone on my team took the day off.  I can handle part of it, but need some stuff from others.  Several phone calls, emails, and hours later, around 10pm, I finally accept that I’m going to have to work today and call it a night for work. 

The really irritating part, aside from the fact that I badly needed those drinks with friends last night, is that these completion issues have been going on for far too long.  I keep saying we need to overhaul the whole process, but instead, one little thing gets fixed.  And probably ends up breaking something else…..which we realize when the next big issue gets escalated.  Ugh.

Anyway.  I just plopped my pajama-covered ass onto the couch and turned on the tv, accepting that this will be how I spend what is left of my day off.  Screw that list of errands.  I’m going to be a complete sloth this afternoon.

And as I’m flipping through the movie channels….JOY!  Rapture!  Pretty in Pink is on HBO (nevermind the fact that I own the dvd).  I love love love this movie.  I can’t possibly be grumpy while watching it. 

Like so many songs, this movie takes me back to my younger years.  I was so in love with Duckie and lamented the fact that I could never meet anyone like him.   My brother and I had the movie soundtrack (on cassette!!  lol) and used to listen to it endlessly.  That led to buying the Psychedelic Furs, and, my favorite band of all time, The Smiths.   I credit this movie for introducing me to them.

So here I lay, on the couch, watching Duckie Dale plant one on Iona.  And quoting every line, since there is no one here to be annoyed by it. 

Of course, I’ll change the channel before Andy goes back to the major appliance at the end.  I hate Blaine.  In MY version, she always stays with Duckie at the prom.

Coming up for air

The hockey game went spectacularly this weekend!  Seeing everyone have such a great time and knowing what we’ve accomplished with this event makes it all worthwhile.  Still waiting on a few invoices, but best estimate, I’d say we raised close to what we raised last year.  I don’t think we beat it though, but that’s ok.  It’s still going to be a great donation!

As much fun as it was…I am glad to have that (mostly) behind me.

We start testing for our October upgrade next week.  And I’m still scrambling to get test cases finished and ready to go.  These next several months are going to be rough, no doubt about that. 

I’m supposed to go out to the lake this weekend for Cat’s annual 4th of July bash.  I was only planning to stay one night…can’t leave Mazzy here by herself any longer than that.  Plus I have too much work to do.  So much so that I’m not even sure if I’m going to make it to the lake or not.  I need a day off and, as much as I love all the people that will be there, I could really use some down time this weekend.  I’ll have to work part of it anyway.  Although I don’t get to see Cat very often and it’s a lot of fun, so I’ll feel guilty if I don’t go.

I also know the past 2 years I’ve been battling bronchitis around this time.  I’m beginning to think it’s from stress…..letting myself get so run down.  So considering all the stuff leading up to and after the game to be done, plus all this stuff for our upgrade at work….I’m beginning to think that staying home might be better for my health.  I can’t afford to be sick right now.

Oh yeah….at the afterparty Saturday, I discovered, completely by surprise, ANOTHER person who Dr H used to do the phone sex thing with.  I wanted to vomit.  It’s bad enough that I was “with” someone that I had no attraction to, but now…..I’m so completely revolted by these other experiences….and WHO.  Just yuck.  And that just reinforces the idea that there are plenty of others.  And all of this while he was on-again-off-again with his ex.  And was pissy with her for having an online personal.  Whatthefuckever.

He and I haven’t talked much lately.  Mostly, I think, because I haven’t been online much.  Too much going on and haven’t had a spare minute.  And I think he’s been pretty busy with his job, too.  But also because I think he’s pulled his head out of his ass and stopped trying to turn us into an item of some sort.  I’m still pissed off when I think about how he was trying to do my thinking for me and tell me what I was feeling.  For him to tell ME that the only time MY “true” feelings come out is when I’m drinking?!?!  Yet, when referring to a friend of his, he easily admits that alcohol blurs your judgment.  I wanted to point that out so badly, but I didn’t.  He sees what he wants to see I guess.

The things I say in my head vs what I say in reality are just all screwed up.  I used to have no filter, but because he’s been my friend all this time, I can’t say anything.  Because when I get irritated to that extent, whatever I say won’t be pretty.  So I bite my tongue.  And then it festers.

It’s weird actually.  i was talking to a friend this weekend and the subject came up and it got me thinking.  Honestly, if I had met him first in person originally, we would’ve never been friends.  At least not close ones.  And certainly not done anything else.  I would’ve thought, well, he seems nice, but not somebody I’d hang out with on a regular basis.

Despite what everyone always likes to insist in these situations, he is NOT the same in person as online.   Personally, and I told him this a long time ago, I don’t think ANYONE can be the same in person.  Because when you’re talking online, or even on the phone, you establish an IDEA of what the person is like.  And that IDEA is not based in reality, it’s based on your (limited) experience with that person.  A tiny window into that person’s world.  Just as I’m sure if you met me, I wouldn’t be what you expected either.  It’s no one’s fault.  It just is.

HELP is a 4-letter word.

And like love, shit, or fuck, you shouldn’t say it unless you really mean it!

For the past several months, people have been saying, in reference to our charity game coming up next week, to me, “If you need any help, let me know,” or “I’d be happy to help.” 

So, realizing that, with work the way it has been, I can’t do it all by myself, what did I do?  I asked for help.  I told people what they could do to help.  We came up with ideas to bring in more money and various people volunteered to do various things in relation to that.  So meanwhile, I worked on other things that needed to be done for both the event and my job.

Apparently, when people say such things, what they really mean is, “Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.  And if it is something I want to do, I will.  Otherwise, I’ll just keep asking you to let me know if you need any help.”

What the fuck good does it do to have planning meetings and the like if none of the things talked about ever get done?  If you can’t do it, or have no plans to, DON’T SAY YOU WILL!

This is why I have a problem delegating, both in my personal and professional life.  It’s far easier to know ahead of time that I need to do something and work it into my schedule than to think someone else is taking care of it, only to find out at the last minute that I’m still going to have to do it!  

I’m overly bitchy about this right now because, to top things off, while I was sitting in front of the computer until 3am last night working on stuff for the game, everyone else was at a happy hour that I was not even made unaware of.  I guess they knew I would be busy.  Ugh. 

Sometimes I am tempted to just say screw it and let the whole thing go to shit.  But I’m really proud of this event and want it to continue to be successful.  So I suck it up and do what needs to be done…At the expense of my personal life, my job, and my sanity.

Thankfully some relief is on the way.  Mexigoalie offered to come stay the night and help me with the programs.  We’ve got just over 36 hours to come up with bios and funny ads and such and I’m running out of things to pull out of my ass.  Two others have offered to come over for a little while tomorrow afternoon as well, so I’m grateful for that.

Old habits die hard…again.

I’ve managed to completely screw up my sleep cycle again.  For the past 2 weeks, the earliest I’ve gone to bed has been 3am.  Now it’s even worse because, I have not been in to work all week.  Monday I took the day off.  Yesterday and today I sort of worked from home, but mostly slept.

I get in these funks every once in awhile where I just don’t give a damn.  It’s not a good place to be.  I think my vacation triggered this.  It was soooo nice to relax and do things I wanted to do.  Going back to work just reminded me of what I was missing.  There just aren’t enough hours in the day.  Get up.  Go to work.  Come home.  Work some more.  My house is always a mess and I never do anything for ME any more. 

I think, somehow, in my mind, I figure since there aren’t enough hours in the day, I’ll just make the day longer by staying up all night.  So around 11pm I start cleaning or working on the charity hockey game that’s coming up next month or reading or browsing photos or whatever it is that I didn’t do that evening.  And then, I sleep late the next day, get to work late, get home late, and it repeats. 

At this point, I figure just make it through Friday.  Then I’ll have the weekend to try and readjust….and start sleeping in my bed again.  I could probably count on 2 hands the number of nights I’ve slept in my bed this YEAR.  I don’t know how I got into this awful habit or why.  Part of it started when I had a lot more early morning meetings and was afraid I wouldn’t get up in time.  So I’d sleep on the couch, knowing that I wouldn’t sleep as soundly and that I’d be more likely to get up with my alarm.  Problem with that is, since I’ve been doing it for so long, I sleep like a log on the couch now.

I need to learn to detach myself from the laptop (and the tv) and force myself to go to my room at a certain time each night and just STAY THERE until I fall asleep.  So that will be my task for this weekend.  Then let’s see how many consecutive nights I can sleep in my bed. 

Oh yeah.  Dr Honeydew is coming back to Dallas next weekend.  Not sure if I told that story yet or not.  Initially, he asked for a “date” and I went ballastic.  I thought we were past all that.  Apparently our time together in San Diego just re-confirmed to him that there is more between us than I am willing to admit (or so he thinks).  I’ve admitted that San Diego was great.  But I still just don’t see myself thinking of him in that way. 

I’ve talked to my parents about it and they reminded me that it’s not all about looks.  And that, while it is nice to have that attraction, it’s more important to find someone you like and respect as a person.  And to not “burn any bridges.”  My response to that was, “Don’t back me into a corner and I won’t have to!”  When Dr H asked to come to Dallas to take me out, that’s what it felt like he was doing.  Trying to put a label on “us” so that now we’re “dating.”  When I have said over and over that I don’t see a future together in that respect.  I think he hears what he wants to hear and sees what he wants to see. 

I don’t know what to think anymore.  So I told him he can come to Dallas as MY FRIEND.  And if the San Diego-like feeling happens again, we’ll go from there.  But don’t come here expecting it.  He says he doesn’t, but I am not sure I believe him.  I know I’m not helping matters any by being so wishy-washy.  There’s the tiniest part of me that wonders if we could be together that way.  But mostly, I think not.  And I’ve told him that and made it as clear as I know how that I don’t want him to get the wrong impression.

Maybe I’m just making it worse and should’ve never told him about it feeling “different” in California when we spent time together.  I don’t know.  We’ll see how his visit goes.  Less stress this time at least, so it should be fun.

Potpourri

That word is just so lame.  I feel funny just saying it.  But that’s what this entry is going to be:  A combination of incongruous things.

Work is still crazy busy and making me feel utterly defeated because I haven’t been able to swoop in and save the day by working ridiculous hours to knock things out and get caught up.  I’ve done the ridiculous hours, but the catching up part has been elusive.  I’ve got all of these balls up in the air, so it came as no surprise when a few of them started falling today.  Luckily, new boss seems to be aware (thanks in part to old boss, I’m certain) of the fact that I’ve been managing way more than a full workload for some time now.  And has put things in motion to, hopefully, get me some relief soon.

My trip to San Diego is coming up at the end of March (after Dr Honeydew’s visit, of course).  This will be the first real vacation I’ve had since 2000 when Badass and I went to Mexico.  That’s just sad.  I am finally eligible for some of the perks that come with having a pilot for a brother and have yet to be able to take advantage of them.  Finally, I grew a spine and said enough is enough.  I am taking ONE WHOLE WEEK off from work.  Deal with it.

The U.S. Mens’ Olympic hockey started today.  It was on during the day, so of course I missed it.  Sadder than that, I completely forgot it was happening today.  And the most disheartening of all….our beloved team, filled to the brim with professional NHL players, TIED.  With Latvia.  Who the fook is that?  And why didn’t we skate circles around them?!   Oh well…maybe we just got off to a slow start and will start kicking ass now.

I am completely annoyed by the fact that the V-day gift I sent to Dr Honeydew has still not been received.  The ridiculous part is that, his real  gift was a preorder item that wasn’t scheduled to ship out until 2/14.  And since I didn’t want him to not get ANYTHING from me on the actual day, I sent him a little something else, along with a card, so that he’d atleast know I had thought of him.  I didn’t get it mailed as early as I planned, but still.  He should’ve had it by today.  I checked the status of the preorder item and it is scheduled to be delivered tomorrow.  The item I mailed Monday is not even showing up in the damn USPS tracking yet.  WTF?!

I did my taxes last weekend.  That was a pleasant surprise.  I had only been in my house for 3 months in 2004, so I didn’t get much benefit from the mortgage interest deduction.  This year, however, I’m getting more than double back over last year’s refund.  Woohooo!  Now the problem is figuring out what to do with it.  Put it towards another car?  Buy that much wanted new furniture?  Put it towards my credit card bill?  Buy that new digital SLR I’ve been eyeballing?  Put it in savings for emergencies?  I know I’ll keep some of it as spending money for my trip to California.  But I’d really like to do something useful with the rest.  With it alone, I can’t completely pay for new furniture or buy another car or pay off my debt.  But it would be a decent chunk towards any of those.  Putting it towards my debt, while probably smart, wouldn’t be very satisfying.  I’ll probably just hold onto it for awhile until I can decide.  I just don’t want to end up spending little bits and pieces here and there on random crap. 

Pheh.  It’s late.  I should try to get some sleep I suppose.  There just aren’t enough hours in the day anymore.

Oh…and P.S.  Could my dog possibly stop shedding?!  Damn.  I just vaccuumed and there is already hair all over the place again.  Stupid weather needs to make up its mind.

Why am I so tired?

I’m eating better, drinking more water, trying to be more active (compared to my “normal” routine atleast).  But I still can’t make myself go to sleep at a reasonable hour.  And every day, when I get home from work, all I want to do is sleep.  Somehow I’ve managed to not to nap today, despite getting 6 hours of sleep last night. 

Luckily, I have no early meetings tomorrow.  So there should be no paranoia about oversleeping and being late.  And since I’m dead tired right now, here’s hoping I can get myself to sleep by 11pm or so.  The problem is, around 9:30 or 10, I catch my 2nd wind.  And then it’s the wee hours of the morning before I finally lay down.  I need discipline in my life and seeing as I’m the only one here (I seriously doubt my dog is going to start closing my laptop, turning off the tv, and sending me to my room), I should try to set some guidelines for myself.  This is becoming too big of an issue.

A lot going on at work this week.  And then the show and V’s party this weekend.  I’m excited for both, and yet I find myself wanting to do nothing but stay home and be lazy.  I’ve been in anti-social mode lately…by the time the work week is done, I just want to be left alone.  This past weekend, I worked from home on Friday and didn’t leave the house again until Monday morning.  I wouldn’t have left then if I didn’t have meetings at work to attend.  I’m counting the days until the long Thanksgiving weekend. 

Life shouldn’t be this way…muddling through work and living for the weekends and holidays and non-existent vacations.  Then spending your time off catching up on all the housework and errands and stuff that you don’t have time to do during the week. 

I am woman.  Hear me bitch. 

Comments from old blog:
Daisy – Nov 14, 05:  Here I am!! Rough week. And already time to start a new one. Ugh.

Nilla – Nov 13, 05:  GIRL!! Where did you go?!

Saundra – Nov 13, 05:  Dude, I’ve been feeling the same way lately… I am trying to MAKE myself exercise more… cause that usually helps… the problem is finding the energy to do that…All I want to do is sit on the couch and veg… UGH!

Nilla – Nov 09, 05:  Came back to leave another comment:   Just making you go, geeeee, I wanna go! I discovered that two people in a double occupancy room is only $679. Talk about cheaper. Well, I LIKE the floor :)…. anyway, if you poke around, you’ll see that all the off-boat excursions cost extra and you have to pick them all before you get on board. Geez. Have you ever been on a cruise? I haven’t. My sister, mom, and friend have and told me about it. The 24 hour buffet sounds GREAT. Yay! Salad with a side of PB&J at 2am!!

Nilla – Nov 09, 05:  Weehee! Mexico sounds uber tasty. Cutesie Mexico boys showing off muscles.

Of course, my mother sounded really pissed off that I decided to go on the SinShip as opposed to the Trip To Holy Land To Pray And Stuff.

Uck, though…. it would be about $1000 (a single room). Leave from San Diego, go to Acapulco and up the coast back to SD for a total of eight days. I picked the week of February 20, which is my wedding anniversary. Kinda like, okay, I don’t feel like being sad— lookit me havin’ a good time without you, fucker!!

P.S. My sister and everyone I know tell me to bring a friend or I’ll die of boredom. Or something.

Laura – Nov 09, 05:  I feel ya!! That’s why I didn’t show up to the Halloween party. I was just so tired & wiped out & anti-social that I just wanted to lie around and do NOTHING.

I agree that lack of sugar especially causes this. I have to start over in that…. cutting way back on sugar and caffeine and stuff… UGH. But soon we’ll have more energy and we’ll want to go out and show off our hot selves!! 😉

Nilla – Nov 09, 05:  Lack of carbohydrates, sugar, and caffiene (if you cut that out). It’ll make you really tired until your body gets used to the new fuel. Have you ever changed the dog’s dog food? Well, they usually get mopey, tired, and of course, the runs. You’ll be fine, soon. Hard as it sounds, don’t nap! That’ll make it worse, plus throw of your cicadian rhythm of the sleep cycle.