Tag Archives: sex

My Horizontal Life (no, not MINE)

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands by Chelsea Handler

My Review:  3 of 5 stars
I found this book to be both hilarious and depressing. It’s part independent-single woman takes charge of her sex life and part sad-pathetic-single woman looking for love in all the wrong orifices. It’s supposed to be a memoir, but at times it felt more like it was trying to force a punchline. Either way, Chelsea delivers a fun, racy, read of her sexual misadventures with this one and proves that she certainly is one of the guys.

Masturbation is a touchy subject.

Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex by Mary Roach

My Review:  4 of 5 stars
I got this as a bookray from bookcrossing and have since sent it on to the next person, but I may very well purchase a copy of my own. This is my kind of non-fiction. Never boring, filled with fascinating stories and research, and funny. More than you ever wanted to know about the science of sex…er, I mean sexual intercourse.

Recap of the visit

Ok, let’s see how much I can remember.  This will likely be mostly a list of what we did.  I’m hoping by getting all the details down, I’ll be able to comment on the other stuff later.

Thursday, 3/23:

Ok, so I basically left off at the snuggling-turned-sexcapade which started on the couch and somehow ended up in my room.  I don’t remember the details of the location change, only that it happened at some point.  Much later, like 3am later, I had to crash…since I had to be up for a conference call the next day.  I remember being a little put off by the fact that he didn’t get off.  Seriously…wtf is that all about?  In our previous conversations, he’d said he was all about making the girl feel good.  But every guy says that, right?  And while they may make an effort for awhile, in the end, they get theirs.

Dr Honeydew did not.  And I didn’t feel too good about that.  But…I forced myself to go to sleep anyway. 


I didn’t sleep worth a shit.  Not used to sleeping in my bed lately, and certainly not used to sharing it.  I’d have slept better if he’d gone to the guest room afterwards, but that would have seemed inhospitable, right?  lol

I got up and went into the living room with the laptop and called into my (3-hour long) boring ass meeting.  Sometime around 11 Dr H got up and proceeded to come up behind me and give me a hug while I was sitting on the couch.  Um.  Ok. 

After the call was finally over, we hopped in the shower (seperately, thank you very much) and then got ready for the game.  Headed down to the West End early and had a late lunch at Landry’s, where Dr H, once again, insisted on paying.  I appreciate the gesture, but let me pay sometimes, too. 

I think by this point I had started to realize that I had no real chemistry with him.  I know that sounds all wrong consider the activities of the previous night.  I like him.  I do.  And I think he’s a great guy.  And the sex was fun.  But I really didn’t have that sparks-flying-electricity thing with him.  And that’s a big thing for me.  Like, if I really like someone, I want them to put their arm around me.  I want to hold their hand.  I want to kiss them at random times.  I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off them.

I wasn’t feeling that with Dr H at all.  Honestly, I wish I would have been.  He’s such a sweetheart.

After Landry’s, we headed back towards the car and then walked over to the AAC for the game.  We sat in my usual STH seats way up in the nosebleeds.  The game, against the Blackhawks, was lackluster.  We should’ve mopped the ice with them.  Instead, it ended up going to OT and then a shootout, which, after about 8 shooters, we eventually won.

After the game, we met up with people in front of the Old No 7 and then all walked over to the West End…which we quickly discovered was a ghost town.  What happened to that place?  It used to be full of people walking the streets, bar-hopping.  We went to 3 different places before we could find one that was still open:  TGI Fridays.  Meh…it’ll do.

We had fun hanging out there with the Austrailian Stars fans that were in town, as well as a lot of the usual crew.  Dr H drove home because I’d had plenty to drink by then.  We stopped at Denny’s (so I could pee) and ordered some food.  Then went back to my house.  Another night of sex and another night of him not getting off.  My ego is taking a beating at this point.  He atleast partially blamed the condom (I wanted to be on the ring for over a full week before going without a backup), but never once asked to not wear it.


Slept late so that kind of killed our plans of going to do much.  Decided to take him to the World Aquarium but when we got there (2 hours before they closed) there was a line wrapped all the way around the building.  We decided to try again Monday, when it was less apt to be so crowded.  So we went to the Arboretum instead. 

Again, one of those places that, if I was really into someone, I would’ve wanted to hold hands, stand close, etc.  And again, I wasn’t feeling it.  Every once in awhile maybe, but not like it should be in that situation.  This was frustrating me because I felt like a shallow bitch.  I can’t even pinpoint the reasons, I just know I’ve felt like that with every other person I’ve seriously liked.

Back to my house to get ready for company.  I’d invited people over to hang out and meet Dr H.  Most showed up around 8 and we sat around and talked for awhile, had drinks and snacks.  I’m such a social butterfly when I drink, so I’m wandering around talking to everyone and kind of deserted Dr H for much of the night.  I feel bad about that now, but wasn’t consciously doing it.  I was just trying to be a good hostess or something. 

Hours later, a few more people showed up and I was completely toasted by then.  Flirt and I, very unwisely, decided to make a run for the border to get food.  When we got back (thank God!!) I got the message that Dr H was not too happy about us driving….and he had every right to feel that way.  It wasn’t a smart move AT ALL and not something I’m proud of. 

Apparently, at some point, my big mouth shared info I shouldn’t have shared with a few people.  Ugh.  Remind me why I drink again??  But I also learned some info that made me a little uncomfortable.  Not going to get into that right now…  People cleared out a little before 3am and Dr H and I ended up breaking in my new chair and a half.  That was relatively fun, but nothing to write home about. 


Didn’t sleep too late considering.  Headed to the Stars vs Calgary game that started at 2pm.  We had the lower level seats my (old) boss gave me awhile back.  Great seats!  And a great game!!!  That was fun to watch.  And my Mikey scored a goal right in front of us!  :)

After the game, we met up with some friends and visited for awhile.  Then some of us walked over to Hooter’s for lunch.  Dr H barely talked during lunch….it was a little uncomfortable.  Later he told me he wasn’t feeling well.  Had an upset tummy.  Got back home around 7 I think.  I’m losing details (dammit…this is why I wanted to write as the weekend went on) but believe we just hung out at my house the rest of the night. 

I think that was the night that he asked if we could talk.  He said there had been all these unknowns before his visit and wanted to know if all my questions were answered and what I thought now, having spent a few days with him.  I wasn’t sure how to answer that without being awkward.  So I just said that I was glad he was here and that I was having fun with him, but didn’t see anything coming from it.  Long silence where I felt like I should say more….so I brought up the long-distance thing and how I won’t do it.  He says ok and then more silence.  Eventually we just start talking about something else….and had sex on the couch (that time I know he got his!).

Gosh, I am such a whore.


I set my alarm so I could get up and work (from home) half a day.  Dr H had coffee made for me.  Awww.  Got a fair amount done and then called it a day around noon.  Then we went for lunch at the Corner Bakery in the West End and then the Dallas World Aquarium.  No line this time…yay!  My tour guide skills suck because I think we ended up doing stuff in the same part of town at least 3 or 4 times.  The DWA was cool, as usual.  I think Dr H enjoyed it, too.

After that we went to Wizard’s and shot a few games of pool and had a couple of drinks.  I miss playing pool.  I used to be good, dammit.  Now…not so much.

Back to my house where we had a pretty heavy makeout session up against the wall in my hallway….which lead to what had to be several hours of sex in various places and positions.  Midway through that, during a brief break, he turns to me and says, “I love you.  You know that right?”

“Um…no you don’t,” I say.  “You heart me.”  Heart being our safe word of expressing that we care about each other.

He says, “I know it’s one sided.”

No response from me.

More sex (and no, gak, no prizes won thankfully!).  Then my bladder finally took over and I had to stop for a potty break.  That pretty much ended the mood.  And I was glad for it.

He worked on my door (leaks when it rains) for awhile and tried to replace the bottom piece with something that you couldn’t even close the door afterwards.  So we hurried back to HD before they closed to buy a different one…which also didn’t work.  So now I have less protection there than I did and holes drilled in the bottom of the door for no reason.  Grrrrr!  I tried not to be too pissy about it because I could tell he felt really bad.  He put some foam stuff on there temporarily until I can get something else done to it.  And it’s supposed to rain while I’m out of town.  Sigh.

A little later, knowing we have to be up early to take him to the airport, we head to bed.  He mentioned that every time the subject of “us” came up, I got really quiet.  And said that, if the distance really was the only problem, that he wished I would reconsider.  That we would make it work.  I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing.  Then he says if it’s more than just that, to say so.  That he’ll still be my friend, no worries.  So I say, it’s more than just that.  That sounds too harsh, so I add that the distance is a factor, but it’s certainly not the only reason.

So I tell him that I know myself.  And I know how I am with someone I really like.  And that I haven’t been that way with him.  He says he’s noticed that the only time I really touched him much was when I’m drinking and that he wasn’t sure if I was just trying not to let the people around us know that I liked him or what.  I tell him that the fact that I wasn’t trying to hold his hand or be affectionate throughout the day tells me there’s something missing.  He says that makes him sad because he thinks we would be really good together.  That we are very complementary and compatible.  And that he really does love me, but knows he can’t make me feel the same way.  And wouldn’t try to.

Again, I’m speechless.  I don’t know why I couldn’t talk to him about what I was thinking.  Well, yes I do.  I don’t want to hurt his feelings.  I don’t want to make him sad.  I don’t want to feel like I’ve led him on.  I feel like a bitch so I say nothing and we eventually fall asleep.


He woke me up at 6am (after I’d snoozed my alarm….I told him not to let me do that).  He had coffee made for me.  Dammit he’s so nice.  I get ready for work, he showers and gets his stuff together.  We left the house around 7am for the airport.  The ride there was mostly silence.  Little bit of small talk here and there, but mostly silence.  And me, being the wuss that I am, have tears in my eyes most of the way because I feel like the thing I was most worried about, our friendship, is in jeopardy.

We get to the airport, I pull up to drop him off, get out of the car and walk to the back with him to get his stuff out of the trunk.  A big long hug, him agreeing to text me to let me know he got home ok, a peck on the mouth, another big long hug, him telling me again that he loves me, and then he heads into the airport.  And I drive away with a few more tears.  I’m annoyed at the way I wasn’t able to talk to him like I normally could.

A little before lunchtime I sent him an email from work thanking him for coming to see me and all the nice things he does.  And tell him I’m sorry that I can’t say I more than just heart him…but that my lack of actions proves that to me.  And that I’m frustrated and regretful that I let things go the way they did.  And that I still think he’s one of the greatest guys I know.  It sounds so lame, but I didn’t know how to express what I was feeling.

He texted me to tell me his flight landed back in Florida.  Later I get a response to my email where he says he thinks I really do more than heart him but that I’m afraid of the consequences of that.  Because of my sheer distaste for the long-distance thing and not wanting to deal with it.  But that that is a conversation for another time.

I really don’t think that’s it.  And am annoyed that he’s trying to tell me what I feel.

I’m a hypocrite I guess because of the physical side of his visit.  But dammit, consenting adults and all that.  I love him to pieces as a friend, I’m comfortable with him, and we both wanted sex.  Is that so wrong?  Am I kidding myself?  


I guess at no point was I considering my seeing T on Saturday a “date.”  I expected us to hang out, have a few drinks, talk a lot, and enjoy each other’s company.  So I didn’t find it unusual at all that I sent Dr Honeydew a few text messages during that time.  I couldn’t help it.  I was thinking about him.  Thinking it could have been him I was having drinks with and talking and laughing with.

At some point, I realized that was probably not cool.  So I stopped and  T and I talked tons and he showed me some cool websites with more info and pics of his country.  I am just so fascinated by it all.  They have such an interesting history. 

Oh, and did I mention that T got his ear pierced?!  I’m a dork, I know, but it’s way hot.  Anyway, more drinks later, and yes, things moved in other directions.  No need to go into detail, but it was more than just friendly behavior.  Why?  I don’t know.  Pick a reason:  being wanted feels nice, I miss kissing, I’m a selfish bitch, I was drunk, I was horny, he’s fucking hot.  Whatever.

I think what it really boils down to is two things.  One:  I feel like it’s completely ridiculous to shut myself off from others simply because of a psuedo-relationship I have with someone who lives 1200 miles away.  And two, which probably is the only real reason:  Dr Honeydew is soooo nice and soooo thoughtful and sooo sweet and sooooo smart and sooooo incredible.  And I couldn’t finally really be attracted to another “nice guy,” could I?!

True to form, however, when I talked to Dr Honeydew on Sunday, I told him I’d gone out with someone.  He wasn’t exactly thrilled about it, but at the same time, said even if I had been able to talk to him before I left, he would’ve wanted me to go.  That it’s not fair to expect me to hole myself up in my house for the next month.  And that he was actually surprised it hadn’t happened sooner.  He didn’t want details or names or whatever, but was perplexed as to why I was texting him during my “date.”

Anyway, long story slightly shorter, after much guilt (me) and much understanding I came to the conclusion that, at least until after his visit, I won’t be seeing anyone.  I’d rather see what happens with him first and not risk fucking that up over a serving of Turkish Delight that I know will always be a To Go order.

I think Dr Honeydew and I spent almost the entire day on the phone.  A few breaks here and there, but for the most part, we talked until the way wee hours of the morning (neither of us had to work Monday).

P.S.  Am I the only person in the world that had never had phone sex?  Granted, I preferred the real thing the night before, but damn.  I am such a whore.

I hate when I do this.

I wish I could talk to Dr Honeydew, my friend, right now.  Unfortunately, he’s working until 9pm my time and I’m supposed to see T around 9:30.  Even more unfortunately, I don’t think this is something I should talk to him about now anyway.  Granted, he’s still my friend, but I think other things would get in the way of this conversation.

In my more recent years of being single, I’ve come to the conclusion that sex between 2 mutally consenting partners is not wrong.  Especially when those 2 people both know where they stand and no one gets hurt.  I know not everyone agrees with this, but this is MY opinion and my life.   I’ve adopted the ‘if it feels good, do it’ attitude.  I see no reason why I should be expected to go without simply because I haven’t met my Mr Wonderful.  Understand, this does not mean I have been promiscuous or easy.  Over the past two years, there have been a grand total of 2 people that I have gone to to satisfy my physical urges.  One of these people happens to be T.   The other, well suffice it to say, he was never really my friend and I was never really satisfied.  So that is long since over. 

I’m not expecting that T and I seeing each other tonight will lead to sex.  However, being the person that I am, I have to worry about every potential scenario and the possible outcomes of each.  I do know that I am still very much attracted to him.  I also know that we are just friends and that any physical interactions with him will never amount to anything more than that. 

Two months ago, had this possibility presented itself, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought.  We’d see each other, and if we both wanted to do more than talk, we would.  Now, however, it’s complicated. 

Or is it?

Part of me thinks I still have every right to do and act exactly how I would if Dr Honeydew and I had not acknowledged things with each other.  But the other part of me feels like, so much more is surrounding his visit now.  And that, should things with T become physical, I’d be, in a round about way, cheating on Dr Honeydew somehow. 

At the very least, it would hurt him.

I just don’t know how much of what I’m thinking makes sense right now.  And that annoys me more than anything.  I do know that if Dr Honeydew went on a date with someone at this point, I would not be mad.  I would not be upset.  I would not be hurt.  In fact, I would be disappointed in him if he didn’t go if there was someone of any interest to him. 

I don’t think it would upset me.  Sure, I might be a little jealous.  But at the same time, he and I are just talking hypothetically right now.  We’ve yet to spend any real time together in person, so who knows what will translate into real life and what will not.  And I wouldn’t want him putting his life on hold or not doing things that he wanted to simply based on a possibility of something with me.

I really do wish I could talk to him about all of this right now.  If for no other reason than to get a gauge of what his thoughts are on the matter.  At the same time, I realize that would hardly be fair.  If he was upset by it, I wouldn’t want him sitting around worrying over what was or was not happening between T and I tonight.

And while I insist on worrying about every possible outcome, as I do with everything in my life, I generally tend to do whatever feels like the right thing at the time.  I like to think, having thought about it so much beforehand, this helps me better know what the right thing is when I’m faced with the actual situation.

Or maybe it just makes me completely mental.