Tag Archives: relationships

Just calling it like I see it.

So, I didn’t send that email, but after not hearing from him in almost a week and him not responding anymore, I saw him online today,.  I ended up sending a him a message.  Since clearly he wasn’t going to contact me and I am tired of playing the waiting game.

So I IM’d him and said that although he told me not to feel like I was bugging him, that I couldn’t help but feel that I WAS.  And that it seemed like if I didn’t call or message him, I never heard from him.  So that I was going to just back off and leave him alone.  He responded and said he would just have to call and message me then.  No, that’s ok, I told him.  If he wanted to, he would’ve already been doing that.  Then he disappeared from the IM window.  Not sure if it was accidental or on purpose, but either way.

I followed up with an email and just said that I hoped I didn’t sound rude earlier, that I wasn’t mad or anything, but that, ever since I went down to Beaumont to see him, he has been completely different towards me.  And very distant.  I wrote that I think he has had a change of heart and just didn’t want to hurt my feelings.  So I would let him off the hook.  No worries, and that we are still friends as far as I’m concerned.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, but I meant it when I said I was not going to play games.  I said what I needed to say so that I could retain an ounce of self-respect rather than throwing myself at some guy who clearly is just not that into me.

Yeah, it stings a little.  Even though I don’t have any illusions that he would’ve been THE guy.  I couldn’t picture us together long-term, but I was willing to deal with the distance to find out.  The worst part is to have had some semblance of hope restored only to be snuffed back out.

I was better off being ambivalent.

Aside from the tiniest flicker of hope in the back of my mind, I think I’d all but given up on the idea of finding someone to spend my life with.  I’ve been focusing more on trying to take care of myself and making myself happy.  And then this funny, country boy voice from the past made itself known to me via facebook, instant messaging, and then phone calls.  And that made me wonder if certain feelings could have possibly survived the 15-20 years it’s been since he and I shared…time.  We never really dated, but we wanted to.  our timing was off, I was too young, he was one of my brother’s best friends, etc.  We flirted, we exchanged letters, he wrote me poems, we kissed, but never any more than that.  We forged a friendship that endured his marraige and divorce, dating others, hanging out, but always walking a fine line.

Now we’re old enough to make our own decisions and 5 years apart in age isn’t the gap it used to be.  And I decided the drive back to my former hometown for a weekend visit was worth it to find out what, if anything, I might find.  Although I’ve talked myself both sides up and down the situation, I couldn’t help but be happy to see how he still makes me laugh, and how I still have a definite attraction to him.  I thought the feeling was mutual, but now that I am back home in Dallas, I’m not so sure.  I’ve tried to imagine a future with him…sometimes I can, sometimes I can’t.  Just the fact that I’ve thought about it is scary.

He told me he knew “without a doubt we would be good together.”  But now things just feel so…silent.  Maybe I need too much reassurance, but honestly, I’d just like to know where things stand.  He says he’s very interested in seeing where this goes, but I’m not sure if his actions agree with that statement.  He works…a lot.  So I know that when he does have a couple of waking hours off, he has more on his mind than just me (if me at all).  

I don’t know.  I think I opened the door to hope and possibilities a little too quickly.  Perhaps I need to force it closed again.  Uncertainty is a bitch.

Finding out what you don’t want to know

Is it better to know or not know?

In this case, I guess it is better to know so I can just stop it and move on.  I have had a massive crush on my friend, Curly, for years.  Early in our friendship, he made a comment about never dating a smoker, so I immediatey wrote off any chance of anything ever growing out of that friendship.  But it didn’t keep me from thinking he was an amazing guy, who shared a lot of the same values as me.  And maybe because he’s one of the few, seemingly decent, single guys I know, I fixated on him.  I absolutely adore him.  To the point that, tonight, at a bar to see one of his friends play in a cover band, a friend of mine decided to explore the topic with him.

Apparently we get along and have a lot in common, but it’s stricly platonic.  It stings a little, but at least I can finally just let it go.

I must be in a funk…

because I just am really not liking people in general right now.  Even some of my friends are grinding on my nerves.  I don’t know what my problem is.  I think I’m drowning in insecurities or something. 

I mentioned my crush in my last post.  Something I’ve had for awhile, with someone I’ve known for awhile (since 2002-ish) but wouldn’t allow to surface previously because of a conversation once where he indicated he didn’t want kids and wouldn’t date a smoker.  So I wrote him off immediately, but deep down, was still seriously digging him.  To make this easier, from now on I will just refer to him as Crush (although he has been mentioned previously in this blog under a different pseudonym).

One of my friends that I met a couple of years ago (early 2005?) met him and decided she liked him.  For current purposes, I will refer to her as Diva (although she has also been mentioned here previously as a different name).  Me, trying to be a good friend, and because I knew Crush well, decided to just ask him point blank if he was interested in her.  So I’d know whether or not to encourage her.  He quite quickly and emphatically responded NO.  So I tried to subtly steer her away from him.

In her narcissim, and because she asked him, she has concluded that he only likes skinny blondes with big boobs (while she is skinny, she’s brunette and smaller-chested).  I guess his sarcasm was lost on her.  But she reminds us all, including Crush, of this anytime the opportunity arises.  And yet, at any gathering he shows up for, she still flirts with him.  Still.

This past weekend, I hosted a game night at my house and Crush came.  Diva showed up later as well.  We were about to play a game.  I was sitting next to Crush on the couch and Diva was across the table from us and she immediately exclaimed that she and Crush should be partners.  I told her partners had to sit next to each other for this game because we had to share cards.  “Oh, ok.” was her deflated response.

As the night wore on and games changed and people shifted about, I had gone into the kitchen for something and the second I was up, she pounced on the couch next to Crush.  The next thing I know she’s re-enacting a scene on a recent flight where some lady was laying on the guy next to her.  Then she stretched out on the couch and had her feet up near Crush’s lap.

I don’t know why, but it absolutely enraged me.  Of course, I have never told her about my feelings for Crush.  Because I figure she would only tell me how far I was from his type, since she thinks she has him pegged so well.  I never told her about my conversation with him and his lack of interest in her.  I just let her reach her own conclusion,  but damn.  Give it up already.  Fuck.

I just can’t throw myself at someone like that.  Not that she’s really throwing herself at him, but it comes across that way to me.  Well, actually a couple of other people at the party mentioned it later, but anyway.  Those few people also know about my feelings, so they are just being supportive.  lol

The thing is, I love Diva.   I accept that she is flirty and I love her for it most days.  It’s just because it is Crush that she always focuses on when he is around…it drives me crazy.

Plus, I just feel so defeated.  I can’t compete with skinny people.  I can’t compete with non-smokers.  I can’t compete with flirty people.  It’s just not me.  Granted, Crush and I have been flirty with each other for years, but on a completely different, much more subtle level.  Winks here and there, odd smirks across the room, exchanged glances.  Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part.  I don’t think so though.  But I’ve always accepted it more as a part of our friendship, not interest on his part.

Ugh.  I don’t know.  I think I just need to focus on getting myself back to a place where I’m happy with myself.  Then maybe good things will follow.

I suck at this!

So here is the question I pose to you:

Say you’ve been friends with this guy for several years and have always liked and respected him.  Not to mention he cracks you up.  He helped you move and paint your house…And NOW, years later, you find yourself with a serious crush on him.  WTF do you do?!

The thing is, I don’t see this person very often, and much less often than in previous years.  I always kind of thought he was cute, but just thought he was too much older and set in his ways for me.  But now, 4-years later, the age gap doesn’t seem as big.  And his dry sense of humor is like spanish fly to me.  And hell, I’ve probably become more of a homebody than he is in that time.

I’ve confessed to only a very small handful of people and more than half of them has replied, “But HE has always had a crush on you!!!”  Honestly, I think they are just saying that to give me some guts to explore this possibility.  Plus, I was almost 60 lbs lighter then.  While I’ve joined a gym in an effort to correct that, I haven’t been going anything remotely like “regularly.”

Add to that the fact that I had one of my nervous breakdown crying fits with him back when I was in the deepest throes of my depression.  And I boohooed to him over Mazzy.  Oh, and there’s the time I blurted out, while drinking, about the time he and XYZ got it on.  Did I mention that he was sitting right beside me at the time and apparently that wasn’t common knowledge?

I am so clueless.  And doomed to remain single at this rate.

Disillusioned

The past few weeks have really given me a new perspective on friendships and relationships.  I’m not a confrontational person.  I avoid it whenever possible in favor of trying to be the peacemaker.  And, apparently, I expect too much from people, particularly those I call friends.

I never expected a friend to take advantage of me and use my name in a public forum to give himself some sort of credibility.  And ultimately, include my name in a lie.  A partial truth does not make it true.  That friendship is sadly over.  I have been devastated by it, but finally came to accept that that is not a friendship I’m willing to fight to keep.  Especially when one side cannot accept any responsibility and only point fingers elsewhere.

I never expected friends to so harshly criticize another one of my friends TO me.  Over and over.  You don’t have to have the same friends as me, that’s fine.  But to take every opportunity to talk badly about someone that you KNOW I am friends with, and then to act all indignant when I am “overly-defensive” about it…I just don’t get that.  If it was you people were badmouthing, you’d certainly expect me to defend you.  And I have.

Guess what?  I don’t like some of your friends either, but I’d never try to point out all their faults to you because I respect our friendship.  And because it’s not my business.  This one has been eating away at me for 2 days, can you tell? 

 See, when in the moment, I rarely react.  I don’t cause a scene.  I bite my tongue.  I try to keep the peace.  Then it festers inside me and I want to just explode at that person.  But the rational side of me says, don’t do that…you’ll say something you’ll regret.  So in the end, I feel like a doormat.  And THAT pisses me off even more.

And then to top it all off, I feel like I am surrounded by infidelity lately.  Real or imagined.  Attempted or acted upon.  Online or in person.  I’m just sickened by all of it.  And so disappointed. 

While I try not to judge, it is yet another thing that is forcing me to re-examine some of my friendships.  In one scenario, I want to beat the offending party to a pulp, because that friend broke my (closer) friend’s heart.  And yet, in another, where my friend is the offender, I want be there for them.  And in a third, I want to cease interactions with both parties.  Is it the difference in the “level” of indiscretion that makes me react differently?  Is it the length of my friendship with them that effects my feelings towards it?  Am I a hypocrite?  What is wrong with people?!?!

Again, perhaps my expectations in all relationships are too high.  And perhaps this is why I haven’t found someone to share my own life with.  And perhaps I never will.  And that depresses me.

My Candy Heart

Your Candy Heart Says “Get Real”
You’re a bit of a cynic when it comes to love.
You don’t lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart.

Your ideal Valentine’s Day date: is all about the person you’re seeing (with no mentions of v-day!)

Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic

What turns you off: romantic expectations and “greeting card” holidays

Why you’re hot: you don’t just play hard to get – you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

The man in black

For the last week or so I’ve been in a mood.  I don’t let it surface very often, but when it does….wow. 

I had no idea that, 5 years ago, when asshole-exbf (from now on, known as Badass) and I split up, I would still be undeniably single at this point.  As someone who has gone from one long-term relationship to another, it’s a weird feeling. 

I know it has been good for me in a lot of ways.  I’ve rediscovered a lot of myself that had long been buried under the timid, clingy, self-esteem-less shell of a person I became over the 6 years he and I were together.  I feel more like myself than I have in a long time.  Only still not quite myself.  I blame the weight gain on that.  And I can’t help but wonder how many amazing and wonderful guys I passed up because my head and heart were too wrapped up in the wrong guy.  I know of at least one.

My high school reunion in 2003 really opened my eyes to a lot of things.  I had guys I had been friends with in high school tell me how they had the biggest crush on me back then.  But that they knew I would “never” break up with my high school sweetheart.  Plus, I think people were a little afraid of him.  He didn’t get the nickname “Psycho” for nothing.  He and I dated for 7 years.  There were breakups during that time, but we always ended up back together (translation:  I always took him back). 

I was in college when we finally split up for the last time.  Once I’d recovered from the heartache of it all, I had several months of actually dating.  It was the first time in my life I’d ever just dated.  One was a guy I knew from kindergarten,  before my family moved outside of the city and I started attending a different school.  He was Door #1.  We reconnected when I found out he lived right down the street from a friend of mine.  I, of course, was dating Psycho at that time, but Door #1 and I started talking again, even hanging out a little.  Once Psycho and I had split up, Door #1 and I began to see more of each other.

And then I met Door #2.  A guy I went to high school with (a few years older than me) and I used to go take smoke breaks together when we were both working at the mall.  I always thought of him as a very good friend, nothing more.  One night, after work, we went and played pool with some friends of his.  There was this totally adorable guy there that looked soooo familiar to me.  Later I realized I had met him once before, and liked him then, too, but he was married.  Anyway, the next day, totally adorable guy, Door #2, showed up at my parents’ house (I was still living there at the time).  I opened the front door and he quoted a line from the movie Singles and my heart melted.

“I was just nowhere near your neighborhood.”

Thus began my relationship with Door #2.  He was now divorced.  He’d caught his wife cheating on him (they married very young) while his baby daughter was sleeping in her crib near the bed.  I was devastated for him.  We both talked about our failed relationships and shitty partners that insisted on deceiving us.  And we were both more than a little scared to open up our hearts again.  So we dated, casually, for awhile.  Then things became much more intense.

By intense, I mean, scary.

Door #2 had a 15-month old daughter that he had custody of.  I was not even 21 yet.  I babysat her a lot while he was working.  We took her to movies with us, to lunch, to dinner.  We had our alone time, too, thanks to his mother.  I’ve had a habit, for as long as I can remember, of writing things down to clear my head.  I’d just grab a pen and paper and pour my heart out.  Every thought, wrong as it may have been.  So, knowing that Door #2 was still struggling with things, suggested he try it.  And boy did he.

He ended up wanting me to read what he wrote.  All 6 pages of it.  He talked about how awful it was to find his wife cheating on him.  And his fears in raising his daughter alone.  And this new person he had met that had shown him a side of himself he had forgotten.  And he went on to describe this wonderful girl, in a way that she could never describe herself.  That girl was me.  And he understood me better than I did.  It was the most sincere, sweet, wonderful thing anyone had ever said or written to me.  He wrote about how he has to think of his daughter now and make the right decisions for her.  And how much she loved me and I her.  I made a copy of it before I gave it back to him because I wanted to remember how good it made me feel.  And how badly it scared the living shit out of me.

This was a guy who would leave little notes on my car while I was at work.  Who would show up at random times with a handful of daisies.  Who was genuinely interested in how my day went and my happiness and my well-being. 

And he scared the shit out of me.  I fell in love with him and started backing away from him at that very instant.

Not long after that, I was at the local pool hall (I used to be a shark, what can I say?) with a friend of mine.  In walked tall, skinny, blue-eyed Badass, aka Door #3.  He interrupted our game with some cheesy line.  I pretended to be annoyed.  Meanwhile, sparks were flying.  No, sparks is not the right word.  Freaking fires blazing.  Yes, that’s much more accurate.  I gave him my number with the condition that he couldn’t write it down.  It was a ridiculously easy phone number. 

He didn’t call.  I lamented about this to my mother.

One night, after class, I headed to a local bar with a friend to hear Door #1’s band play.  It was Valentine’s Day.  Afterwards, he walked me to my car, thanked me for coming, gave me a hug, and kissed me.  For the first time.  I was giddy.  As I got into my car to drive away, I saw a little piece of paper fluttering under my windshield wiper.  When I got out to retrieve it, I was shocked to find that it was a note from Badass.  Said he saw my car and wanted to wish me a Happy Valentine’s Day but didn’t know if he should come in and say hi or not.

When I got home, Mom told me he had called.  And that she told him where I was.

The timeline of all of this is kind of blurred now.  But at one point, I was talking to, if not dating, all 3 of them.  And it was nice.  And honest.  They all knew I was seeing other people.   Eventually, Door #1 fell by the wayside.  He was either too shy, or just not interested enough.  So here I had Door #2, this amazing, good-looking, divorced, dedicated father and sweetheart of a guy who adored me and respected my wishes to not rush into anything.  And I had Door #3, Badass.  A fast-talking, heart-racing player of a guy who insisted that he wanted to be with me and only me and that the idea of me seeing other people was killing him.

So who did I spend the next 6 years of my life with??  Ugh.

Door #2 and I remained friends for a long time after that.  Until Badass became good friends with my dad’s mechanic, who had known and been friends with Door #2 for a very long time.  When Badass and I would have problems or break up, I’d find myself wanting to see, call, talk to Door #2.  Badass found out and went ballistic.  So I stopped talking to Door #2 all together.

There was a lot more that went on, like me taking Door #2 out for his birthday and getting him drunk when I was still too young to legally buy alcohol.  Duckie’s girlfriend babysat and Door #2 crashed on the couch at my parent’s house that night.  My parents adored him.  They would invite him places, like to the beach cabin we rented for a week in the summer.  They’d offer to watch his daughter so he and I could go down to the beach.  They were literally pushing him on me.  And I dug my heels in so hard I got whiplash.

I’m not proud of the way I handled it, but these are the choices I have made in my life.  It’s not to say that Door #2 was THE ONE.  That, I doubt, because he had some issues of his own.  But I know for a fact, things would have been a lot different had I opened that door rather than the one I chose.

Girls always say they want a nice guy.  They want romance.  They want to be loved.  I still say that.  And yet, I had one right in front of me and still chose a rebel without a cause bad boy who would break my heart.  Over and over.  Not once (Psycho) but twice (Badass). 

Those who don’t learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them.

Comments from old blog:

Nilla – Jan 07, 06: My wiseass opinion is that you were too young for any of that shit. I got married at barely 20 and didn’t have a clue what the hell life was really about and how love and feelings worked until about 25. And now at 30 I think I can finally say I’m a grownup and now I’m ready for what life throws at me. Seriously, don’t lament those past relationships. They filled whatever need you had at the time. And everyone has had a BAD RELATIONSHIP or two so don’t lament that either.

Daisy – Jan 07, 06: I guess I’m not lamenting the bad relationships so much as just hoping I learned from them. So when the next Mr Wonderful appears, I’ll recognize and appreciate him.

Denice – Jan 10, 06: I think you the timing was off for door #2, that is a whole lot to take on at such a young age. My hubby and I met when I was 20 and when he said he loved me, I was scared shitless and he did not have an ex or kids to deal with. The Badass is great fun, but it sounds like it is good you got over him. I hear it is tough to find people, but you will.

Andrew – Jan 11, 06: So what’s wrong with the nice guy?

Daisy – Jan 11, 06: Nothing is wrong with the nice guy. That’s just it. So why, when given the option, do I never seem to choose one? I think it’s the excitement level. Maybe I need a nice guy who can still be spontaneous and wild. Do they make those?

Andrew – Jan 12, 06: Sure they do! The difference is that the nice guy won’t ditch you at the wild club that he spontaneously drug you to halfway across the country! 😉