Tag Archives: Red

Get a Grip

No, really.  A friend of mine and I agreed to buy and follow the assignments in this book:  Get a Grip: Your Two Week Mental Makeover.  Granted, that was more than 6 months ago, before life as I knew it took an even bigger turn for the worse.  So, now, since I’m no longer going to counseling and the SOS Group was a bust because of my insane work schedule, I thought I’d dust this book off and give it a shot.  Since it requires daily journaling, I thought it might also be a good opportunity for me to dust this blog off as well.  I know venting here has always been therapeutic for me, but I never seem to make the time for it, or for myself, anymore.  So here we go again…

To begin with, the first exercise requires that I take a moment to figure out how I really am…not the standard, “Oh I’m fine, how are you?” that comes out of my mouth every day when asked the question.  But the real, honest to goodness answer.  And then to spend some time answering WHY.  I actually have a hard time when people ask how I am because I know they don’t really want an answer other than the expected courteous response of fine, good, great, etc.  I have a hard time with the fake answer because I know I am none of those things.  I’m not fine.  I’m not good.  And I sure as hell am not great.  I’m a mess.  The WHYs?  I’ve overworked myself, thanks to my boss and her insane deadlines and expectations, to the point of mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion.  I’m sad because I know this is no way to live.  I’m frustrated because I have to pay the bills somehow.  And underneath all of that, I’m depressed because I miss my best friend, Red.  And I’m still so very pissed off at her for leaving me to deal with this shitty life all alone.

I alluded to it here when it happened, but haven’t actually written about it yet because my feelings are still all over the place.  And still so raw and hurt and overwhelmingly heartbroken and sad.  On December 1, while she was on her self-proclaimed trip of a lifetime to her dream destination in Italy, right before she was supposed to come home, my sweet friend decided to swallow a bunch of pills, some wine, and who knows what else, and end her life.  I was at the dr’s office that day, for some extreme pain I’d been having in my arms (beginnings of carpal tunnel was the guess….diagnosis was reduce my stress level and get massages).  When I left the dr’s office, I noticed I had a text message from Mr. Red.  I found that odd because he and I had not really talked at all since he and Red seperated.  My first thought, knowing that she was due to return home from her trip soon, was that maybe he was looking for someone to pick her up from the airport.  Estranged though they were, they were still civil and sharing custody of their almost-at-the-time 5 year old son.  Mr Red and Little Red had taken her to the airport to begin her trip the week of Thanksgiving.  So all I can think is that he needed me to pick her up.  So I clicked on the message to read his text…

The first few words were the worst kick to the gut I can describe:  Red just passed away in Italy.  I couldn’t comprehend what that could mean, in the split second it took to read that, my mind was trying to come up with all kinds of explanations, a car wreck, anything, and at the same time, my mind was rejecting the very idea that anything could have happened to her.  The next few lines said she killed herself by overdose and that Mr Red was at the airport heading to Italy to bring her home.  Tears were already pouring out of my eyes, but I still did not believe this could be anything but some sick joke.  I immediatley called Mr Red demanding that he take it back.  His voice was so strange, I know he was in shock.  I got to talk to him for less than a minute…he was literally boarding the plane.  He had a stop in Germany and then would be in Italy by early the next morning Central time.  I hung up the phone and screamed at the top of my lungs.  Crying.  Begging that this not be true.  It had started raining by that time.  So there I was, sitting in my car in the parking lot outside the dr’s office, screaming and howling in pain, hitting the steering wheel, hitting the seat, hitting the door, in disbelief and anguish. 

More out of instinct than any clear thought, I called my parents.  I needed to talk to someone.  I got their voicemail and left some incoherent wailing message that Red was dead.  In hindsight, not a good message to leave on someone’s answering machine.  Especially my parents who are 5 hours away.  My oldest brother, Dilbert, was in town for meetings that day and was coming back to stay at my house that evening.  So I sent him a text to see if he was at my house or still in his meetings.  I was hoping he was at my house and could come get me because I knew I couldn’t drive myself home in that state, in the rain.  He replied that he was in meeting so I said nevermind.  He must have had some sixth sense because he asked what was up.  I had to tell someone.  I had to get it out, so I responded that Red was dead.  It took me several minutes to type those three words…each letter was a dagger to my heart.  Almost immediately after hitting send, my phone rang.  Dilbert had stepped out of the meeting to call me.  I was hysterical and just kept screaming she’s dead.  she’s fucking dead.  He tried to help me calm down, figure out where I was and told me he would be at my house within about 40 minutes.  I sat in the car screaming and crying and hyperventilating for some amount of time that felt like eternity.  Finally I managed to pull it together enough to make the short drive to my house. 

I remember, I posted on her facebook page, “someone please tell me this is a sick joke.  please.”  Her aunt, who I’d never met before but heard of a few times, replied and said she was hoping the same thing.  I also had some cryptic message as my status that said something similar.  My friend, Mexigoalie, texted to ask if I was ok.  I said no, but it was not me.  It was Red.  He asked, I think as a joke, is she alive?  Again, it took an eternity to type two letters:  NO.  My mom had called by that time, trying to find out what the hell was going on.  There were so many calls and emails and text messages I can’t keep them all straight.  Other than my mom, brother, and a few friends, I didn’t want to tell anyone.  I didn’t know very much…only a few quick words from her husband.  I was convinced that he was going to arrive in Italy and find that it was all some horrible mistake.  The wrong person.  Or that she was really fine.  I just knew it.  She had to be ok.

I got a text from Mr Red in the early hours of the morning.  He was in Italy and about to go to the hospital where she was.  Next, he was there and had been given her belongings that were with her at the hospital…watch, jewlery, etc.  Letters she had left for their son.  He was waiting to see her but they were doing an autopsy.  I refused to belive it was real.  He hadn’t actually seen her yet, so there could still be some mistake.

I called him at his hotel in Italy later that night.  He had seen her.  Had held her hand.  Had told her he loved her.  She was really gone.  He was so choked up with emotion I could barely understand him.  He was there, in Italy, far from home and all alone and had just had to go identify his dead wife.  To this day, I don’t know how he did it.  He had been to her hotel to get her things there.  The mess he described in her room.  I was collapsing with grief just hearing about it.  He had to be there.  His dad was able to fly out the next day to be there and support him through this, so I was grateful for that.

It wasn’t until Mr Red got back home that I learned more details.  Apparently, she had overdosed a few days prior.  They had called Mr Red, said she’d thrown up a lot at the hotel and had her stomach pumped in the hospital.  She was pretty out of it, but they thought she was going to be ok.  He even got to talk to her on the phone briefly.  He said she slurred badly but made a joke that she guessed she was going to be in Italy a little longer than he thought.  He talked to her again briefly the next day.  I still don’t know to what degree she was conscious or even coherent.  I have so many questions, but Mr Red doesn’t want to talk about it.  But basically, he had called her aunt to see if she could come to Dallas to help take care of Red for awhile.  He was flying out to Italy to get her and bring her home.  It was the day he was catching the plane.  Literally minutes before boarding when the hospital called him back to say that she didn’t make it.  That her heart just gave out.  That she had died.  That was when I got the text from him.  He hadn’t told me anything prior to that because they thought she would be ok and he was just focused on getting her home.  That quickly, his trip had a whole different purpose.  People say it was tacky that he sent me that news in a text message.  I understand though.  He wanted to let me know but didn’t have time to talk and was about to be on an international flight.  I don’t blame him for that.

He wasn’t able to bring her body home with him.  The police had not released her yet.  There was also a big mess with sorting things out with Customs that was taking awhile.  So he came  home without her.  He was having her cremated and her ashes would be shipped to the US in a week or so.  Her family (which is another story all-together…don’t get me started) threw a fit and tried to stop that, saying they would pay to have her body shipped back, not to cremate her, but Mr Red said that was what Red wanted and he would honor that.  To hell with what her “family” wanted.  Luckily, at least they seemed to back off and accept it once they understood that’s what Red wanted (or probably more likely what it would cost to ship her body back).  That’s ugly for me to think that way, but I’ve heard next to nothing good about her family from her or anyone else so it is easy for me to think badly of them.

This is only the tip of the iceberg, but I’ve exhausted my hands (which have been almost worthless the last few weeks due to this carpal tunnel crap) and my heart enough for the time being.  I’ll write more about it tomorrow, because I know I need to get these things out.  And there is just so much that I have been hesitant to write about it because I know it could fill hundreds of pages.  I’m still constantly shifting between sadness and anger and guilt.  It’s a never-ending cycle it seems.  I keep thinking if she was here, I would kick her ass for doing this and then hug her and never let go. 

I’ve never really lost anyone I was close to before.  I mean really close to.  Not to make light of my grandmothers that I’ve lost, but that was a completely different relationship.  Red was truly the first and only REAL friend that I’ve made as an adult, since I moved to Dallas in 1998.  She was the first person I felt truly “got” me and that I “got” in return.  So much of that is in question now because I never would have even imagined she was capable of this.  There was a quote we liked that said:  Best friends, because our parents couldn’t have handled us as sisters.  That’s really how I felt about her.  She was the closest thing to a sister and I loved her as much as if she was my sister…I still do.

A message sent to someone else, but it says what I would have written here.

Right now I can’t think of her without wanting to tell her to fuck off. And that is a terrible way to feel about a best friend. I am just so pissed off at her right now. And more skeletons are falling out of the closet, so to speak. Things she blatantly lied to me about. What makes it worse is some of those things were things that didn’t sit right with me at the time, but I took her at her word…why shouldn’t I? And because of the circumstances, so many things that only her husband and I know. Things I can’t really share with others that know her or her family. So I’ve got all these crazy feelings all jumbled up. Betrayal. Anger. Sadness. Heartache. Guilt. Failure. You name it.

Red was my partner in crime. My travel buddy. My touchstone. My sanity check. My sister at heart. The one person here that I could talk to about anything and never worry about her judging me or loving me any less. She is the person who normally helps me through hard times….and I THOUGHT I did the same for her. Then she bailed on me with this big fuck you. I’m lost without her and confused and hurt at the thought that I didn’t know her nearly as well as I thought and that I couldn’t save her from her demons. And I’m pissed at her for making me feel these things.

Just such a stupid pointless tragedy…and a precious little boy who has to grow up without ever really knowing his mother.

Because I haven’t found the words…

So many things have happened in the past month, even the past year, but none of them will ever come close to the devastating loss of my best friend.  I know I need to write about it, to preserve my own memories, and perhaps as a way to help exorcise some of this pain.

I’m just not ready to do that yet.  I have entirely too much anger in me right now….which turns into guilt, which turns into overwhelming sadness, which turns into anger again.

There are no words…

Today I found out that one of my very best friends, Red, died of an overdose while in Italy.  Of what, I don’t yet know.  I got the news via a rushed text message from her (estranged) husband who was about to board a plane to go bring her home.  I was able to talk to him for less than two minutes before he had to get off the phone.  I don’t know all the details, only that I refuse to believe this was intentional. 

She was in Italy, on her dream vacation, as a way to cope with spending her first holiday seperated from her son.  She had been posting happy updates to facebook chronicling her adventures in Tuscany and then Florence. 

And now she’s gone??  I can’t fucking believe it.

I am in shock.  I am confused.  I am pissed.  And I am heartbroken. 

I keep hoping and praying that her husband will call me when he gets there to tell me that it was all a big misunderstanding and that she is fine.  I don’t want this to be true.

You can’t take that away from us!

Friday night, Red and I returned to the scene of the crime to reclaim our stomping grounds.  We’ll be damned if we let some silly iranian boys run us out of our bar!  That was the first step…let the healing begin!

V turned up a little later and regailed us with stories of her vacation in Viet Nam.  She’s the only person I know who can return from a 2-week trip, a long ass plane ride, and then be up for meeting for drinks within a couple of hours of returning home. 

There was a brief moment when Red thought we might end up in a fight with random guy’s girlfriend, but that appeared to be unwarranted.  So, aside from the initial trepidation about returning, it was a great night!

Quotes of the evening:

Red:  She just got back from Viet Nam. 
Drunk guy:  Whoa.  Are you in the service?  Are you ok? 
V:  Um…you know that war is over, right? 
Drunk guy:  Sorry.  I’m not very educated.

“Tell striped-shirt-guy that I will make him moan all night.”

Red:  Just how horny are you?  
V:  DAMN horny. 
Red:  Ok, let me see what I can do (as she wanders off to chat up random guys).

We’re supposed to have each other’s backs.

Last night, what started out as a fun-filled, pool-shooting, shot-drinking night out to celebrate the end of the audit at work, and to catch up with one of my very best friends, turned into complete and utter debauchery.  As disgusted as I am with myself over my own transgressions, what I am most upset about is that I allowed my best girl to get caught up in it.  For that, I don’t know if I can forgive myself.

Southlake

In all the years I’ve lived in the Dallas area, yesterday was my first trip to Southlake.  I met my friend, Red, there for lunch at the Cheesecake Factory.  We’ve both been in a funk and needed to get out of the house, but weren’t up for a full-swing social event with the whole gang.  So, it being daylight, I was brave enough to venture down the road less travelled.

The restaurant is located in the Southlake Town Square, which is a nice little area of shops all laid out like a little town of its own, back when streets were lined with shops instead of the giant malls and shopping centers we’re used to today.  Not exactly square though, don’t let the name deceive you.  It’s similar to what they have recently built in Garland at the Firewheel Town Center.  It’s a nice concept, but with the year-round Texas heat, it’s really only truly enjoyable on a cool day or evening.  But it’s great for running into a particular store without having to deal with the crowds or parking at the malls.

After lunch, we walked around for a little while, not really to shop, since neither of us can afford that these days.  I had seen the neat red brick Town Hall building when I drove in, and really wanted to get some photos of it, so we ended up walking there.  It was super bright, mid-afternoon sun…not the ideal time for photos, but I was there and I had my camera, so I had to at least give it a shot.

Definitely not a good time for photos with all that harsh light, but worth a return visit sometime in the evening light….when it isn’t so freaking hot outside, too!

It was good to get out of the house and out of hermit mode for a few hours.  Red and I are going to have to force each other to do that until this latest funk passes for both of us.

Fantastic Vacation – Part Tres

Thursday morning, we were trying to decide what we wanted to do on our last day in Cozumel.  I knew Red wanted to go snorkeling, but she was willing to forgo it since it’s not something I do.  I said to hell with that.  So we went back downtown looking for a snorkeling excursion that wasn’t an all day thing.  We finally found a trip that was just a couple of hours on a glass-bottom boat, so I wouldn’t be sitting on the boat for eternity and I’d have a nice view.  I think they wanted $35 each for that one, but we ended up getting it for $50 total.

They sent us out onto one of the piers for the boat to come pick us up.  When we got onboard, I was completely freaked out.  MUCH smaller than I expected, and the seating was literally a small bench directly against the side of the boat.  As someone who freaks out over open water, I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to do this.  I sat there quietly for awhile, trying to calm myself down, while we rode over to another pier to pick a couple up from one of the cruise ships.  By then, Red could tell something was wrong.  She made some comment about my sour face and that’s when the tears broke free.  She asked, loudly, why I was crying and, of course, that just made me worse.  I ended up telling her to just leave me alone.  She was asking if I wanted a life jacket, and damn near ready to tell them to let me off, but I just kept saying, leave me alone, I’m ok.  Deep breaths.

I managed to calm down on the ride out to the first dive spot and I’m so glad I did.  It was just gorgeous water and the breeze felt nice.  I got to take some pretty pictures while Red got to swim with the fishes.  And, of course, as soon as they opened the ice chest, I was the first to reach for a beer (I don’t even like beer, but it was the only alcohol they had and I was needing something!  lol).

 (gonna add to this later….blog is acting up)

Fantastic Vacation – Part Dos

Alrighty.  So Wednesday morning, we got a call at around 8:30am that the rental company was there with our jeep (30 minutes early).  We threw on some clothes and went down to sign the paperwork and get the keys.  Then grabbed breakfast and went back to the room to get ready. 

We headed back north toward downtown in search of the transversal road that crosses the island.  After a few wrong turns and asking for directions, we finally found it and headed off to the San Gervasio ruins.  It’s a small ruin site on the island that is believed to date back as early as 100 BC.  It was super hot and super humid, and even though I thought I was going to have a heat stroke, it was cool walking through and seeing all the structures. 

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Not to mention all of the iguanas!  They were everywhere!

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After the ruins, we hopped back in the jeep and continued our drive across the island.  The road dead ends into the road that runs the length of the other side of the island.  There are a number of restaurant/bar/beaches there, so we wanted to go check things out. 

The first place we stopped was Coconuts.  You walk up a bunch of steps into this giant covered palapa where the bar and tables are setup.  We walked through there and out the other side to find sand, tables with umbrellas, and the most AMAZING view of the ocean from our perch on a cliff.   Being the person I am, I had found coupons online for a number of places in Cozumel and printed them off, just in case.  Sure enough, this was one of them.  So we ordered our giant umbrella drinks and some lunch:  Fish Tacos and Ceviche.  It was YUMMMMY.  The ceviche had lots of lime juice and a little bit of a spicy flavor.  Fan-freaking-tastic.  The fish tacos were pretty damned good, too.  So we kicked back, ate our food, sipped our drinks, and enjoyed the view.

There were several dogs milling about that must belong to the owners.  They were really well-behaved, not bothering anyone, not begging for food.  Just chilling in the shade.  While we were there, these dogs ended up laying at my feet!   Red kept joking, calling me the Dog Whisperer.  And saying, “….and you aren’t sure if you’re ready for another dog!” 

After that, we headed further down the road and passed a number of other beaches but decided to keep driving to see what else there was.  We ended up at the Freedom in Paradise Cafe, aka the Bob Marley bar.  While it did sit on the beach, you couldn’t walk out into the water from there because of all the rocks, but man, that was the most peaceful, tranquil place I’ve ever been in my life.  We ordered a couple of pina coladas and found ourselves a table near the water.  I swear we sat there for nearly an hour in almost complete silence.  You could hear the waves crashing on the rocks, the faint reggae music in the background, and stick your feet into the softest sand I’ve ever felt.  It was like powdered sugar, it was so soft.

Pure heaven.

From there, we were almost to the end of that side of the island, but as we turned the corner back towards the side our hotel was on, we stopped at another beach club that was designed for more people.  However, like everywhere else, it was pretty deserted, too.  We had about an hour before it closed, so we, again, ordered some drinks, and then took a quick dip in the ocean before lounging around some more.  Then we started heading back to the hotel.

It was, by far, the most laid-back, relaxing day EVER.  Worth every penny.  We loved it so much, we were considering keeping the jeep another day so we could do it again on Thursday. 

That night we were total bums and pretty much hung out in the hotel room watching movies.  Red had a headache so we ended up calling it a night.  I was wired and rearing to go, but popped an ambien instead so I could get some sleep.  The next day was our last full day there so we didn’t want to spend it sleeping late.

To be continued…

Fantastic Vacation – Part Uno

Now that I’ve had a week to re-adjust to normal life, I thought I’d blog about my trip to Cozumel.  Red and I had such a fantastic time….definitely one of the best vacations ever!

We got to our hotel Monday around 11am and had lots of time to kill before we could check in (at 4pm).  So we changed into our swimsuits and hit the little hotel beach and checked out two of the infinity pools.  The first one was deserted, so we moved to the other one, where Louis, aka Okie Dokie, the bartender at the swimup pool kept our glasses full.  Red has been tanning since February, so she was soaking up all the sun she could get.  Me, on the other hand, took many opportunities to go sit in the water at the pool bar in the shade and make friends with the bartender.

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A little before 4pm, we headed up to the lobby to see if our room was ready.  After waiting another 45 minutes, they gave us our room keys and sent us off on a wild goose chase to find our room.  We finally found it, no thanks to the directions they gave us, and waited for the bellboy to arrive with our luggage.

The rooms were really nice with marble floors counters, a nice glass shower, and a glass balcony that overlooked the main pool and the ocean where the cruise ships pulled in most days.  After showers and a quick nap, we headed down to the buffet for dinner.  We’d decided we’d just hang out at the hotel that first day.

Tuesday we got up, had breakfast, and then got a cab to downtown to do some shopping and see the city a little.  We were hoping to rent a car to drive around to the other side of the island one day, and we had been comparing prices.  Ended up getting a great deal on renting a new-ish (2004) Jeep for Wednesday.  We’d been told as much as $110 but ended up getting ours for $60, including insurance and them dropping the jeep off and picking it back up at our hotel.

But back to Tuesday…we wandered around downtown for awhile, wasted our time trying to barter with people who were asking insane prices for their sterling jewelry, sampled some tequila at a tequila shop.  I had been hoping to find more coffee tequila to bring home with me and this shop had it….but because it was in a special handmade bottle, it was more than I wanted to pay.  So figured I’d keep looking and find some elsewhere.  Never did find anymore so now I’m wishing I had just gone ahead and bought it.  Oh well.

After walking around in the sun for awhile, Red and I were both ready to find a shady spot and a drink.  One of the places we passed handed us coupons for 4 margaritas and an order or nachos for $15, so we headed there.  It was an upstairs, open air bar that looked out over the ocean.  So we sat there, enjoyed the breeze, the view, the drinks, and the nachos for awhile. 

It wasn’t long before one of the bartenders asked us where we were from.  We told him Texas and he said, “Dallas, right?”  We were both surprised that he guessed that and asked him why.  He said we looked like party girls.  Oh boy.  With that, he brought us over what he called “Bumper Shots.”  Not knowing what they were, but being up for it, he went to Red first.  Stood in front of her, blew a whistle, slammed the shot glass on the table 3 times, and then proceeded to pour it into her mouth and then grabbing her head and immediately shaking it around in circles before jerking it forward and backwards towards his crotch.  I’m cracking up and taking pictures, of course.  Then he annuonces it is my turn.  Oops.

Another waiter came over not long after with another round of these.  He was much more, um, suggestive with his routine, standing straddled over our laps while pouring.  By then, we were having too much fun to care!

After our margaritas and 3 shots each, we decided to go walk around some more.  Red found souvenirs for her hubby and son, we tried a few more jewelery stores, everyone still way too high on their prices (apparently this is a ploy they use when the cruise ships are in for the day).  Then we grabbed a cab and headed back to the hotel.  We got back just before 3pm, in time to make reservations at one of the hotel’s speciality restaurants for dinner.  Went back to our room, showered and napped a little then headed down to dinner around 6pm.  We were planning to go out downtown that night.

After dinner, we got a cab and went to Senor Frogs.  Boy was that a disappointment.  The place was EMPTY.  There were maybe 5 other people there.  We had a few drinks, some shots, and then ended up heading back to the hotel because their drinks were too expensive.  By the time we got back to the hotel, Red was ready to go to the room for the night but I talked her into one more drink at the sports bar (all-inclusive, so free drinks).  The next day, Wednesday, our Jeep was supposed to be at the hotel by 9:30am.  So after that, we headed to the room.  I think we were in bed by no later than 11pm the entire time we were there!

More later…

Ready to soak up some rays…and some rum!

Tomorrow is the big day!  I have to leave here at a ridiculously profanely early hour to head to the airport.  I can’t believe we have to be there THREE hours early for an international flight.  That’s just crazy.  Hopefully I can get a good nap in on our 2.5 hour flight to Cozumel.  I’m still debating whether or not I should try and get 4 hours of sleep between now and leaving for the airport.   I’m seriously afraid of sleeping through my alarm.

I’m about 90% packed at this point, certain that I have more clothes than I’ll need, and yet still worrying that I’m forgetting something.  I always do.  I’ve got my cameras, my chargers, sunscreen, sunglasses, swimsuits, hats, sandals, books, some cash, a toothbrush and clean underwear.  That’s the necessities, right?

As an added boost of excitement, I got to watch my Stars win game 2 tonight against San Jose.  I was thrilled that they made it out of the first round of the playoffs for the first time in YEARS.  And even more ecstatic that they managed to win not one, but BOTH of the first two games (on the road) to kick-start round 2.  We won’t get to see games 3 and 4 that will be played here in Dallas…unless someone knows of a place in Cozumel that will be showing the game.  😛  But I’m feeling better about that knowing that, at least the series won’t be over before we get back…well, unless the Stars make a clean sweep of it, but I’m not holding my breath for that.

Anyway, I have no idea what kind of internet access there will be at the resort we’re staying at.  I’ve seen no mention of it being in the rooms, so not even going to bother with bringing my laptop.  There’s supposedly an internet kiosk, but who knows what that will cost.  So, with only my blackberry to keep me semi-connected (email and mobile web only….everything else is waaaaay expensive….glad I checked that out before I leave), I won’t have any way to give updates on my trip.   Well, I can send updates on twitter.  That’s something.  I haven’t figured out how to post email blogs here yet.  But I’ll be sure to blog all about our adventures in Cozumel when I get home.

Have a great week! I know I will.

So much to do, so little time!

A week from tomorrow, I leave for my much-needed, well-deserved vacation to Cozumel.  It was supposed to be a girls’ trip, but everyone but me and Red wimped out.  Apparently everyone else is afraid to go with us because we are just “party party party.”  Whatever. 

Red and V went to Los Cabos last year (I couldn’t go because they accidentally scheduled it on top of a work conference I had to attend).  Red and V had never really hung out or spent time together one on one, so they got to know each other a little better I suppose.  V is very laid-back most of the time, and was looking forward to carefree days, lounging by the pool or on the beach.  Red, who had been through some rough stuff with her husband recently, was in full let-her-hair-down-and-live-it-up mode.  So needless to say, there were some conflicts.  Nothing major, and they both had fun, but I guess some residual comments have been made.

Either way, Red and I are going to have a blast.  I just know it!  I’m all for lounging with a book and a pina colada on the beach, sight-seeing, and nights out partying.  We’ve got 5 days, so time for a little of everything.  And since Red and I DO hang out and DO know each other pretty damned well, I don’t think we’ll have any problems telling the other one when we’ve had enough of something.

The downside, Red is about 5 foot 4 inches tall, with a great figure.  Me, I’m 5 foot 7, and a good 70 pounds heavier right now…the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life.  We’re going to look like Mutt & Jeff.  I didn’t get nearly as serious about going to the gym these past two months as I’d planned, so haven’t made much progress there.  But at least for the past two weeks, a fire was lit under my proverbial ass, and I’ve been hitting the gym pretty hard on the weekends at least.  During the week, I just can’t make myself get up early enough to go before work.  And after work, I’m just drained.  Excuses, I realize, but it just ain’t happening. 

I started fake-baking last weekend, in the attempt to get some kind of base color on my lily white self, otherwise I’m likely to burst into flames at the beach!   I’m not tan by any means, but I have at least gotten a tiny bit of color…and still have the rest of this week to work on that and keep going to the gym.  I won’t be a bronzed goddess in any way, shape, or form, but I figure there’s nothing like the last minute panic to do as much improvement as I can.  :)

I’m doing laundry and (re)assessing my wardrobe options.  I’ve been shopping like a fiend lately, mostly trying to find some shorts that I like.  Yeah, the shorts I own don’t fit right now.  Did I mention that part about being the heaviest I’ve ever been?  Ugh.  Depression does as much damage outwardly as it does inwardly.  But yeah, I think I’ve got most of my clothing together.  Just need to do more planning of outfits to figure out what goes with what and, of course, to make sure I have enough day/night outfits, shoes, etc.  I figure later this week I’ll actually attempt to start loading the suitcase.

And with that, time to get up and get some stuff done around the house before I head to the gym and to tan.

Happy Sunday!

Musings in the Waiting Room

I’ve been having headaches for two weeks straight. Two of which were migraines. It has not been fun. I went to the doctor this week and he said the headache that just won’t let go is likely a tension headache. Me? Tense? Ha. Ok, so I’m working on that. Meanwhile, I’ve got pain pills and muscle relaxers to help me recover.

While I was sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office, a lady and her two young children came in and joined me in waiting. I was staring at the ground or my lap mostly because the light was hurting my eyes. I heard the little girl yell what I misunderstood to be an inappropriate word. I looked to her mother and saw no response. Then the little girl, who was standing at the aquarium in the waiting room, yelled again.

“Hey Biisssh!!”

Ah, fish. Ok. Cute.

She repeated this a number of times until the fish swam behind one of the large rocks. Then, the glass-tapping began. I was about to crawl out of my skin as this was all doing a number on my headache.

When she turned away from the glass and then quickly turned back and yelled, “RAWWRR!” I didn’t know whether to cry or order a round of shots! It was like she was channeling my girl. Red!

Note to self: must have drinks soon

Addedendum to note to self: Oh yeah, having drinks for V’s bday tomorrow!

Addedendum II: Don’t take the vicodin or muscle relaxers tomorrow.

Showing how funky and strong is your fight

Happy hour last night was a blast! Obnoxious, crazy, drunken, yes. But fun nonetheless. There was sushi, cheap cheap drinks, crying, dolphins, cherry passing, dousings, moonwalking, Cafe Brazil, 3 people in my bed at 3am (a gay man and a married woman….lol), a drive across town at 4am, coffee and Whataburger at 5am. What could ever top that??

I have strange bruises all over me, and am running on about 3 hours of sleep. After Mexigoalie gets done with his game tonight, we’re making the hour and a half drive out to Dilbert’s. Duckie and my niece headed out there earlier today, so we’ll get to see the new house all moved in and visit with my family for a day. Should be good times.

Guess I’ll sleep tomorrow night.

Everybody’s looking for something.

I crashed after work for almost an hour this evening. Normally, I’d consider a nap to be a tiny slice of heaven, but today’s was filled with a completely bizarre dream. I actually remember a quite a bit of it, which is unusual in itself.

Apparently I was having a party at my house, only it wasn’t really my house. And lots of people I know in real life were there. And some that I don’t know. One guy was already shitfaced when he arrived and was yelling and falling down and just being generally obnoxious. And everyone else seemed to think it was the greatest thing ever, but I was seriously annoyed. Then he knocked a bunch of vases and framed photos off a shelf and everything broke and I blew up and told him to get out of my house. Suddenly I was the bad guy for making him leave.

So I ended up going to my room (also not really my room) to try and calm down and determine if I was over-reacting and why everyone was being so crazy. And it turns out another guy and his girlfriend are in my bathroom. She is laying in the bathtub and he’s coloring her hair and there is hair color all over the carpet, the tile, the walls, everywhere. I start to ask what the hell they are doing and then Duckie walks in. I tell him about crazy guy, he says yeah, that was messed up and I did the right thing kicking him out. And then some of Duckie’s friends are there and apparently now Doug lives with me and has a waterbed. Anyway, he makes some joke that one of his friends takes offense to and they get into a verbal spat and the friends take off.

Then I’m in some big loft like room, which apparently is now my living room, and people are literally tearing my house apart. They’ve scribbled on the walls, the tv, the glass of all my frames, the furniture, everywhere with those big fat sharpies and one of them is urinating on my couch. I’m beyond livid and can’t make any words come out of my mouth. All I can hear is my own voice screaming at everyone inside of my head.

Then this gush of water comes tsunami-ing out of, what I presume was, Duckie’s room. Apparently his friends, in their drunken rage, decided to slash his waterbed before they took off. And suddenly everyone is laughing, loud, slow-motion cackling that I can see but not hear, and making more drinks like this is all perfectly ok. And it’s like I am not even there. So I leave my own house and go driving around for awhile.

I come back, all my friends have left, Duckie is sitting on a chair that has a leg broken off (yet isn’t tipping over) and the house literally looks like a tornado tore through the middle of it. Everything is ruined. And I find some strange woman going through my cds and dvds and taking quite a few, claiming they are hers.

Somehow now, my house is a weird version of the trailer I used to live in, only the floorplan is reversed and I have neighbors who are all standing outside, staring at me through the back wall of the trailer, which is completely ripped open. Then Red is there and hands me my camera. And my mom is telling me everything will be ok. That these things can all be replaced. And good riddance to people who would destroy me (my home?). That people shouldn’t pretend they know more than they really do. And that families are forever.

Weird, I tell you. I can’t get it out of my head.

SPF: Something for Everyone

 
Brought to you by Random and Odd

This week’s assignment:

  • Something red
  • Something green
  • Something you decorate

Ok.  I tried not to use all Christmas stuff, so here’s what I came up with.

Something Red:  This cute little case that had some yummy products from philosophy in it.  I have no use for it other than it’s cute.  Right now it is sitting on my dresser, waiting for me to come up with some purpose for it.

Something Green:  I was tempted to use my Grinch slippers, but decided against it.  Instead, here is one of the few plants in my house that I have not yet managed to kill.  It’s kind of dusty looking, huh?  I’d wipe it down, but you know the saying…if it ain’t dead, don’t mess with it.

spf5231

Something you decorate:  I could take pictures of my whole house, since that is in a constant state of redecorating.  But I’d rather wait until I’ve replaced some old furniture before I do that.  So instead, here is the table in my entryway.  I try to change it up to match whatever season it is currently.  Up until a few weeks ago, it was dressed up for hockey season, but I begrudgingly changed it for the holidays.

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So…did you play?