Tag Archives: mistakes

Self-Censoring is Unhealthy

I just re-read my last entry and it pissed me off.  THIS is where I’m supposed to be able to be honest and throw a tempter tantrum, if so inclined.  And that entry soooooo does not accurately portray my state of mind at the time.  That was me trying to be calm and civil and explain away a situation that, frankly, has left me feeling resentful and belittled. 

I’m all for taking my “punishment,” but I can’t help but feel I got blamed for, not only my mistake, but a buttload of other things that didn’t have a damn thing to do with me.  People say things in anger, things that are sometimes unreasonable.  I know and accept that.  But, as an adult, if you KNOW you are one of those people that do that, then STFU and walk away from the conversation. 

Don’t say a bunch of irrational and nasty shit to me and then BLAME ME for you saying them because I “kept talking and talking and talking” (which, after re-reading the online part of this thing, where the majority of it took place, is soooo not accurate).  Because if you say stuff that either makes no sense or has nothing to do with me, bet your ass I’m going to respond.  In this case, I didn’t even respond to any of the most outrageous comments…I was too shocked and amazed by them to do so.  I didn’t realize we were still in 5th grade.

Is it worth losing a friend over?  Hell no.  Would that happen if I were to try to address the way things went down?  I don’t know.  I’m guessing it would get ugly.  And life is too short for that shit.  

Shutting up and moving on…and for the record, this does NOT qualify as doormat behavior. 

* This entry remained in draft and was not published until 11/06/05.

I should’ve just stayed in bed.

Or on the couch, seeing as that is my bed these days.  That’s another issue I need to work on.

Today sucked.  I’m cramping, emotional, bleeding like a (something that bleeds a lot), and I pissed off and hurt the feelings of a very good friend.  Completely accidentally and totally unintentionally.  But I feel like crap about it.  And I was made to feel more crappy about it.  I beat myself up more than anyone I know.  So when I mess up, I know it.  Trust me, I do. 

I screwed up.  And I’m terribly sorry.  My brain doesn’t work so well lately.  Too many balls in the air I guess.  One of them was bound to fall.   In the grande scheme of things, it was a pretty minor thing compounded by another thing that, while innocent enough, was made worse because of my goof on the first thing.  I understand the timing of it was bad.  She’s stressed as it is and I added to that.

Unfortunately, I’m typically one of those people that wants to address the issue right away and hash it out.  And by hash, I mean talk through it rationally and be done with it.  And she needs space and to be left alone.  So apparently I made it worse because I didn’t shut up when told.  I’m just not good with a situation where I feel I am being chastised and am not supposed to respond (that’s a different and unrelated story, one not worth getting into here).  Hence her not wanting to talk to me AT ALL at that moment.  Ok.  I get it. 

So, while she was presumably calming down, I spent the afternoon festering.  Now she’s ok (I think??) and I have smoked 2+ packs of cigarettes and have puffy eyes, an upset stomach, and an attitude.  I blame Aunt Flo. 

Today’s lesson:

Plan A:  Next time I’ll know to say, “Ok, talk to me when you’re ready.”  And leave it alone.  That’s just reeeeally hard for me to do. 

Plan B:  Don’t screw up and don’t make anyone mad again ever.  That’s do-able, right? 

Nah…that’s the doormat in me, that my exbf left behind, desperately trying to resurface.  Ignore her.  Stick to Plan A.