Daisy-Head & The Single Life

I guess at no point was I considering my seeing T on Saturday a “date.”  I expected us to hang out, have a few drinks, talk a lot, and enjoy each other’s company.  So I didn’t find it unusual at all that I sent Dr Honeydew a few text messages during that time.  I couldn’t help it.  I was thinking about him.  Thinking it could have been him I was having drinks with and talking and laughing with.

At some point, I realized that was probably not cool.  So I stopped and  T and I talked tons and he showed me some cool websites with more info and pics of his country.  I am just so fascinated by it all.  They have such an interesting history. 

Oh, and did I mention that T got his ear pierced?!  I’m a dork, I know, but it’s way hot.  Anyway, more drinks later, and yes, things moved in other directions.  No need to go into detail, but it was more than just friendly behavior.  Why?  I don’t know.  Pick a reason:  being wanted feels nice, I miss kissing, I’m a selfish bitch, I was drunk, I was horny, he’s fucking hot.  Whatever.

I think what it really boils down to is two things.  One:  I feel like it’s completely ridiculous to shut myself off from others simply because of a psuedo-relationship I have with someone who lives 1200 miles away.  And two, which probably is the only real reason:  Dr Honeydew is soooo nice and soooo thoughtful and sooo sweet and sooooo smart and sooooo incredible.  And I couldn’t finally really be attracted to another “nice guy,” could I?!

True to form, however, when I talked to Dr Honeydew on Sunday, I told him I’d gone out with someone.  He wasn’t exactly thrilled about it, but at the same time, said even if I had been able to talk to him before I left, he would’ve wanted me to go.  That it’s not fair to expect me to hole myself up in my house for the next month.  And that he was actually surprised it hadn’t happened sooner.  He didn’t want details or names or whatever, but was perplexed as to why I was texting him during my “date.”

Anyway, long story slightly shorter, after much guilt (me) and much understanding I came to the conclusion that, at least until after his visit, I won’t be seeing anyone.  I’d rather see what happens with him first and not risk fucking that up over a serving of Turkish Delight that I know will always be a To Go order.

I think Dr Honeydew and I spent almost the entire day on the phone.  A few breaks here and there, but for the most part, we talked until the way wee hours of the morning (neither of us had to work Monday).

P.S.  Am I the only person in the world that had never had phone sex?  Granted, I preferred the real thing the night before, but damn.  I am such a whore.

I wish I could talk to Dr Honeydew, my friend, right now.  Unfortunately, he’s working until 9pm my time and I’m supposed to see T around 9:30.  Even more unfortunately, I don’t think this is something I should talk to him about now anyway.  Granted, he’s still my friend, but I think other things would get in the way of this conversation.

In my more recent years of being single, I’ve come to the conclusion that sex between 2 mutally consenting partners is not wrong.  Especially when those 2 people both know where they stand and no one gets hurt.  I know not everyone agrees with this, but this is MY opinion and my life.   I’ve adopted the ‘if it feels good, do it’ attitude.  I see no reason why I should be expected to go without simply because I haven’t met my Mr Wonderful.  Understand, this does not mean I have been promiscuous or easy.  Over the past two years, there have been a grand total of 2 people that I have gone to to satisfy my physical urges.  One of these people happens to be T.   The other, well suffice it to say, he was never really my friend and I was never really satisfied.  So that is long since over. 

I’m not expecting that T and I seeing each other tonight will lead to sex.  However, being the person that I am, I have to worry about every potential scenario and the possible outcomes of each.  I do know that I am still very much attracted to him.  I also know that we are just friends and that any physical interactions with him will never amount to anything more than that. 

Two months ago, had this possibility presented itself, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought.  We’d see each other, and if we both wanted to do more than talk, we would.  Now, however, it’s complicated. 

Or is it?

Part of me thinks I still have every right to do and act exactly how I would if Dr Honeydew and I had not acknowledged things with each other.  But the other part of me feels like, so much more is surrounding his visit now.  And that, should things with T become physical, I’d be, in a round about way, cheating on Dr Honeydew somehow. 

At the very least, it would hurt him.

I just don’t know how much of what I’m thinking makes sense right now.  And that annoys me more than anything.  I do know that if Dr Honeydew went on a date with someone at this point, I would not be mad.  I would not be upset.  I would not be hurt.  In fact, I would be disappointed in him if he didn’t go if there was someone of any interest to him. 

I don’t think it would upset me.  Sure, I might be a little jealous.  But at the same time, he and I are just talking hypothetically right now.  We’ve yet to spend any real time together in person, so who knows what will translate into real life and what will not.  And I wouldn’t want him putting his life on hold or not doing things that he wanted to simply based on a possibility of something with me.

I really do wish I could talk to him about all of this right now.  If for no other reason than to get a gauge of what his thoughts are on the matter.  At the same time, I realize that would hardly be fair.  If he was upset by it, I wouldn’t want him sitting around worrying over what was or was not happening between T and I tonight.

And while I insist on worrying about every possible outcome, as I do with everything in my life, I generally tend to do whatever feels like the right thing at the time.  I like to think, having thought about it so much beforehand, this helps me better know what the right thing is when I’m faced with the actual situation.

Or maybe it just makes me completely mental.