because I just am really not liking people in general right now. Even some of my friends are grinding on my nerves. I don’t know what my problem is. I think I’m drowning in insecurities or something.
I mentioned my crush in my last post. Something I’ve had for awhile, with someone I’ve known for awhile (since 2002-ish) but wouldn’t allow to surface previously because of a conversation once where he indicated he didn’t want kids and wouldn’t date a smoker. So I wrote him off immediately, but deep down, was still seriously digging him. To make this easier, from now on I will just refer to him as Crush (although he has been mentioned previously in this blog under a different pseudonym).
One of my friends that I met a couple of years ago (early 2005?) met him and decided she liked him. For current purposes, I will refer to her as Diva (although she has also been mentioned here previously as a different name). Me, trying to be a good friend, and because I knew Crush well, decided to just ask him point blank if he was interested in her. So I’d know whether or not to encourage her. He quite quickly and emphatically responded NO. So I tried to subtly steer her away from him.
In her narcissim, and because she asked him, she has concluded that he only likes skinny blondes with big boobs (while she is skinny, she’s brunette and smaller-chested). I guess his sarcasm was lost on her. But she reminds us all, including Crush, of this anytime the opportunity arises. And yet, at any gathering he shows up for, she still flirts with him. Still.
This past weekend, I hosted a game night at my house and Crush came. Diva showed up later as well. We were about to play a game. I was sitting next to Crush on the couch and Diva was across the table from us and she immediately exclaimed that she and Crush should be partners. I told her partners had to sit next to each other for this game because we had to share cards. “Oh, ok.” was her deflated response.
As the night wore on and games changed and people shifted about, I had gone into the kitchen for something and the second I was up, she pounced on the couch next to Crush. The next thing I know she’s re-enacting a scene on a recent flight where some lady was laying on the guy next to her. Then she stretched out on the couch and had her feet up near Crush’s lap.
I don’t know why, but it absolutely enraged me. Of course, I have never told her about my feelings for Crush. Because I figure she would only tell me how far I was from his type, since she thinks she has him pegged so well. I never told her about my conversation with him and his lack of interest in her. I just let her reach her own conclusion, but damn. Give it up already. Fuck.
I just can’t throw myself at someone like that. Not that she’s really throwing herself at him, but it comes across that way to me. Well, actually a couple of other people at the party mentioned it later, but anyway. Those few people also know about my feelings, so they are just being supportive. lol
The thing is, I love Diva. I accept that she is flirty and I love her for it most days. It’s just because it is Crush that she always focuses on when he is around…it drives me crazy.
Plus, I just feel so defeated. I can’t compete with skinny people. I can’t compete with non-smokers. I can’t compete with flirty people. It’s just not me. Granted, Crush and I have been flirty with each other for years, but on a completely different, much more subtle level. Winks here and there, odd smirks across the room, exchanged glances. Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part. I don’t think so though. But I’ve always accepted it more as a part of our friendship, not interest on his part.
Ugh. I don’t know. I think I just need to focus on getting myself back to a place where I’m happy with myself. Then maybe good things will follow.