Tag Archives: DrHoneydew

Coming up for air

The hockey game went spectacularly this weekend!  Seeing everyone have such a great time and knowing what we’ve accomplished with this event makes it all worthwhile.  Still waiting on a few invoices, but best estimate, I’d say we raised close to what we raised last year.  I don’t think we beat it though, but that’s ok.  It’s still going to be a great donation!

As much fun as it was…I am glad to have that (mostly) behind me.

We start testing for our October upgrade next week.  And I’m still scrambling to get test cases finished and ready to go.  These next several months are going to be rough, no doubt about that. 

I’m supposed to go out to the lake this weekend for Cat’s annual 4th of July bash.  I was only planning to stay one night…can’t leave Mazzy here by herself any longer than that.  Plus I have too much work to do.  So much so that I’m not even sure if I’m going to make it to the lake or not.  I need a day off and, as much as I love all the people that will be there, I could really use some down time this weekend.  I’ll have to work part of it anyway.  Although I don’t get to see Cat very often and it’s a lot of fun, so I’ll feel guilty if I don’t go.

I also know the past 2 years I’ve been battling bronchitis around this time.  I’m beginning to think it’s from stress…..letting myself get so run down.  So considering all the stuff leading up to and after the game to be done, plus all this stuff for our upgrade at work….I’m beginning to think that staying home might be better for my health.  I can’t afford to be sick right now.

Oh yeah….at the afterparty Saturday, I discovered, completely by surprise, ANOTHER person who Dr H used to do the phone sex thing with.  I wanted to vomit.  It’s bad enough that I was “with” someone that I had no attraction to, but now…..I’m so completely revolted by these other experiences….and WHO.  Just yuck.  And that just reinforces the idea that there are plenty of others.  And all of this while he was on-again-off-again with his ex.  And was pissy with her for having an online personal.  Whatthefuckever.

He and I haven’t talked much lately.  Mostly, I think, because I haven’t been online much.  Too much going on and haven’t had a spare minute.  And I think he’s been pretty busy with his job, too.  But also because I think he’s pulled his head out of his ass and stopped trying to turn us into an item of some sort.  I’m still pissed off when I think about how he was trying to do my thinking for me and tell me what I was feeling.  For him to tell ME that the only time MY “true” feelings come out is when I’m drinking?!?!  Yet, when referring to a friend of his, he easily admits that alcohol blurs your judgment.  I wanted to point that out so badly, but I didn’t.  He sees what he wants to see I guess.

The things I say in my head vs what I say in reality are just all screwed up.  I used to have no filter, but because he’s been my friend all this time, I can’t say anything.  Because when I get irritated to that extent, whatever I say won’t be pretty.  So I bite my tongue.  And then it festers.

It’s weird actually.  i was talking to a friend this weekend and the subject came up and it got me thinking.  Honestly, if I had met him first in person originally, we would’ve never been friends.  At least not close ones.  And certainly not done anything else.  I would’ve thought, well, he seems nice, but not somebody I’d hang out with on a regular basis.

Despite what everyone always likes to insist in these situations, he is NOT the same in person as online.   Personally, and I told him this a long time ago, I don’t think ANYONE can be the same in person.  Because when you’re talking online, or even on the phone, you establish an IDEA of what the person is like.  And that IDEA is not based in reality, it’s based on your (limited) experience with that person.  A tiny window into that person’s world.  Just as I’m sure if you met me, I wouldn’t be what you expected either.  It’s no one’s fault.  It just is.

And you failed to mention this…why?!?!

I talked to Dr H last night and told him about my freak-out-worry situation over my (12-yr old) dog.  To which he responds, “Oh, but that’s been there.”

Excuse me?  WHAT?!

Apparently he noticed it when he was here a couple of weeks ago.  And he assumed I already knew about it.  Yeah, because I’m the type of person who is perfectly ok with the fact that my baby girl has a fooking tennis ball growing out of her chest.  Growl. 

I feel horrible that it has been there this long and I am just now finding it.  I’m not a belly-rubber.  And when she is laying around the house, it’s not really visible unless you are looking for it.  When she stands, her rib cage bows out anyway so between that and her fur, it’s not that obvious either.  But run your hand down her belly and you’ll encounter this gigantic THING hanging down.

I just don’t understand how he could NOT say ANY thing about it.  Even if he thought I knew, I’d think he would’ve been like, “Wow!  What IS that?”  Something. 

I don’t know if I’m being irrational or not but I am PISSED OFF that he didn’t say anything. 

About damn time

I had company this weekend, so no time to blog.  Then, thanks to the reliability that is blogdrive, on two seperate occasions I sat down to create an entry and the damn site wouldn’t load.  Grrr.  So now, I’m behind again.  I hate when that happens because my entries turn into a novel-length rambling mess.So Dr Honeydew came back to town last Friday.  All I can say is, “What was I thinking?!”  Why did I even entertain the thought that there might be something more there after feeling just the opposite after our first “meeting”??  I think the whole vacation bliss was in effect in San Diego.  That plus the wine plus the jazz band.  I was putty.

After spending the weekend in intermittent bouts of silence with him,  I can honestly, and with conviction, say that I have ZERO interest in this guy as anything more than a friend.  Don’t get me wrong….we had fun at times.  But mostly, everything we did, I could’ve done by myself and been just as entertained.  I’ve never in my life sat through dinners or lunch that were soooo…..quiet.  For three days, that’s what it felt like.  And after awhile, I gave up on trying to start conversation and amused myself by making up conversations for other people (in my head, of course).  I kept thinking, we talk all the time online or on the phone.  What’s the deal?  But then I realized, most of the time, that’s me talking.  And I’m tired of talking about everything and nothing just to not have to sit there silently and pretend like that is perfectly normal.

I’m being harsh…but only because the more I thought about it, the more annoyed I became.  I’ve gotten myself good and wound up about it now so I’m not being rational or kind.  I’m venting.  Take it as such…..

Mainly I’m annoyed with myself because I went the less confrontational route.  I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but, at least a dozen times I wanted to yell, “Do you have ANYTHING to talk about?!?!”  That coupled with being made to feel like a guest in my own fucking house.  I don’t need you up my ass making dinner together.  Turned into him making dinner.  We’re not a fucking couple.  I don’t need help loading the dishwasher.  And I sure as hell don’t need you standing there staring at me while I do it.  Sure, he’s nice.  Sure, he’s a good friend.  But that’s all we will ever be.  I am not convinced he’s grasped that yet though.   You’d think that since the only times I’m ever physical with him are after lots of drinks and in the dark would be a clue.  But no, according to him, that’s just my true feelings coming out.  In vino veritas, my ass.

We went out to the Wildflower Festival Saturday and I got to see part of Jonny Lang’s show, which was cool.  But it was so freaking hot and there was no shade anywhere near the stage, so we didn’t stay long.  Got semi-dressed up after that and went to dinner and then Humperdinks.  I can’t name one single conversation that we had the entire night…because there wasn’t one.  Just stupid shit like, “how’s your eye?” or “how’s your food?”  I wasn’t miserable or anything, because I can do as Depeche Mode suggests and “Enjoy the Silence.”  But then for him to say what a great time he had with me…..I’m just stunned. 

And what happened that night just reaffirmed everything I have been thinking since the beginning.  Sure, the first time he was here we had a lot more sex.  But what can I say…it had been awhile and I was drunk and horny.  This time, one night.  And that was enough.  I just can’t make myself get into him.  Especially knowing that he thinks we should be together.  He is a decent kisser though.

Oh!  And then Sunday we ended up going to shoot pool  We had a deal that the loser was buying.  And since he had paid for every damn thing all weekend, including stuff for my house (that’s just creepy to me), I was determined to pay for our drinks and pool.  So, while not purposefully losing, I certainly didn’t make any attempt to win either for the first several games.  After being down 3 games to 0, I figured I could redeem myself a little.  Later we were tied at 4 games each and I said we had to play one more because we couldn’t end in a tie.  And what does he do?  He tells the damned waitress to put our tab on his card.  I’m like, NOOOO!  We had a deal.  That pissed me off.  And of course, I ended up losing that game because I was too pissed to shoot the last couple of shots.  He kept saying, “It’s no big deal,” but to me it was. 

Ugh.  I feel guilty just typing this now.  Knowing me, I’ll probably edit it later to tone it down some.  Why do I get so wrapped up in not hurting someone else’s feelings that I completely ignore my own?

Old habits die hard…again.

I’ve managed to completely screw up my sleep cycle again.  For the past 2 weeks, the earliest I’ve gone to bed has been 3am.  Now it’s even worse because, I have not been in to work all week.  Monday I took the day off.  Yesterday and today I sort of worked from home, but mostly slept.

I get in these funks every once in awhile where I just don’t give a damn.  It’s not a good place to be.  I think my vacation triggered this.  It was soooo nice to relax and do things I wanted to do.  Going back to work just reminded me of what I was missing.  There just aren’t enough hours in the day.  Get up.  Go to work.  Come home.  Work some more.  My house is always a mess and I never do anything for ME any more. 

I think, somehow, in my mind, I figure since there aren’t enough hours in the day, I’ll just make the day longer by staying up all night.  So around 11pm I start cleaning or working on the charity hockey game that’s coming up next month or reading or browsing photos or whatever it is that I didn’t do that evening.  And then, I sleep late the next day, get to work late, get home late, and it repeats. 

At this point, I figure just make it through Friday.  Then I’ll have the weekend to try and readjust….and start sleeping in my bed again.  I could probably count on 2 hands the number of nights I’ve slept in my bed this YEAR.  I don’t know how I got into this awful habit or why.  Part of it started when I had a lot more early morning meetings and was afraid I wouldn’t get up in time.  So I’d sleep on the couch, knowing that I wouldn’t sleep as soundly and that I’d be more likely to get up with my alarm.  Problem with that is, since I’ve been doing it for so long, I sleep like a log on the couch now.

I need to learn to detach myself from the laptop (and the tv) and force myself to go to my room at a certain time each night and just STAY THERE until I fall asleep.  So that will be my task for this weekend.  Then let’s see how many consecutive nights I can sleep in my bed. 

Oh yeah.  Dr Honeydew is coming back to Dallas next weekend.  Not sure if I told that story yet or not.  Initially, he asked for a “date” and I went ballastic.  I thought we were past all that.  Apparently our time together in San Diego just re-confirmed to him that there is more between us than I am willing to admit (or so he thinks).  I’ve admitted that San Diego was great.  But I still just don’t see myself thinking of him in that way. 

I’ve talked to my parents about it and they reminded me that it’s not all about looks.  And that, while it is nice to have that attraction, it’s more important to find someone you like and respect as a person.  And to not “burn any bridges.”  My response to that was, “Don’t back me into a corner and I won’t have to!”  When Dr H asked to come to Dallas to take me out, that’s what it felt like he was doing.  Trying to put a label on “us” so that now we’re “dating.”  When I have said over and over that I don’t see a future together in that respect.  I think he hears what he wants to hear and sees what he wants to see. 

I don’t know what to think anymore.  So I told him he can come to Dallas as MY FRIEND.  And if the San Diego-like feeling happens again, we’ll go from there.  But don’t come here expecting it.  He says he doesn’t, but I am not sure I believe him.  I know I’m not helping matters any by being so wishy-washy.  There’s the tiniest part of me that wonders if we could be together that way.  But mostly, I think not.  And I’ve told him that and made it as clear as I know how that I don’t want him to get the wrong impression.

Maybe I’m just making it worse and should’ve never told him about it feeling “different” in California when we spent time together.  I don’t know.  We’ll see how his visit goes.  Less stress this time at least, so it should be fun.

Exposing DrH – Part I

Ok, so I talked to Dr H about the Flirt situation last night.  I couldn’t NOT talk to him about it any longer.  It was making me bitchy and carrying over into our conversations and, if I’m going to continue being friends with the guy, that just wouldn’t do.

So pretty much as soon as I mentioned the circumstances leading up to what I wanted to talk to him about, his comment was, “Sounds like someone didn’t honor her own request.”  Meaning Flirt made him promise not to tell me and then she did.  I’m sneaky like that though. 

I got to hear his side of the story (no, I didn’t want details, tyvm.  Just the thought of her and him like that makes me vomit a little.) about how it all came about between the two of them.  And that this was somewhere in the neighborhood of 2 years ago.  Before he and I had become such good friends.  That wasn’t what bothered me about it though.  I certainly wasn’t mad at him (or her) for not telling me.  As I said before, really none of my business.  It was more a matter of is this is a thing with him….does he do this often with girls from the internet, etc.  And what did that make me.

Based on the past few years that I’ve “known” him, and talking to him almost daily for the past year, I (mostly) know it wasn’t like that. 

This happening while he was still on/off with his ex….I told him flat out that was disappointing because I never pegged him as a cheater.  He’s not proud of it, but admits his loneliness got the better of him (they lived 90 miles apart and were mostly on the outs by then I guess).  The fact that people (guys) DON’T think that is cheating is beyond me.  I had the same argument with my brother several years ago. 

But a little cybersex is not going to keep me from being his friend.  At least not at this point.  My trust level with him is not what it used to be…and I think he realizes that.  So we’ll just have to see how it goes.  He has been one of my very good friends for awhile now and I can’t imagine that changing.

Festering

First of all, I started tonight.  So yay for that.  Big Smile

Secondly, I alluded to something in an earlier post about some info I unearthed, pieced together, whatever you want to call it, at my mini-house party during Dr H’s visit.  And it didn’t really bother me, which I found to be pretty telling about how I must feel about him.  Short story shorter:  Dr H was having some sort of online/phone sex with someone I know (we’re not close, but friends) about a year ago (maybe more recent, but that’s what I’ve been able to decipher so far).  I don’t know when it stopped, but I do know they still talk occasionally.

Now I find myself, almost 2 weeks later, unable to shake it from my mind.  For a number of reasons.  Let me see if I can pinpoint them:

  1. He has always joked about this person…like, in a bad way.  Like she annoyed him and stuff.
  2. He (truthfully apparently) mentioned this certain thing during a phone call to me awhile back.  We (the friend and I) had just gone out for dinner and drinks with another friend, where I disclosed the turn of events in my relationship with Dr H (prior to his visit).  He said she was IM-ing him and asking him to do her a huuuge favor.  When I asked what it was, he, jokingly, said something about never telling me they had sex….well, it’s online equivalent. 
  3. Because of all of our previous conversations that involved her, I laughed really hard at the idea of that.  I’m sure that was his intent…knowing I wouldn’t take it seriously.
  4. Based on the timeframe when this was happening, he was still supposedly trying to work things out with his now ex.
  5. So much for Mr Devoted.
  6. Supposedly HE was the one instigating it.
  7. He would joke about her being online (at the same time when he and I were IM-ing) and tell me about how she was all drunk and flirty and stuff and all oh save him.
  8. Now it makes me wonder how many other people this has happened with.
  9. Is he some weirdo online perv, like I joked with him about when I first found out he had a webcam?
  10. Seriously….what the fuck?  How did this even start with this person?  Were they exchanging pictures or what?  And did he send her those pictures??
  11. And was he seriously attracted to her??
  12. And if so, was he attracted to her when he actually met her when he was in Dallas?
  13. Ugh.
  14. I can’t talk to him about it because I’m not supposed to know (I have a sick talent for finding out these things) and I am afraid, knowing my tendency to boil over after a time, that I’m going to come out with it in a very uncivilized way.

I hate when my mind wraps itself around something.  I’m like a pitbull in that respect in that I can’t just LET IT GO.  I don’t really give a flying fook that it happened.  It just makes me question how well I really know him.  And how many online “friends” he has.  And the fact that he blatantly misrepresented his relationship with her.  Sure, it’s none of my business, but don’t talk shit about the girl to me either!

More eye woes

The eye pain and puffiness is gone, as is most of the sensitivity to light.  My vision, however, is still horribly bad in my left eye.  So I’ve got an appointment with a new opthamalogist (sp?) tomorrow morning.  I don’t know why, but I keep having these horrible ideas of her having to cut my eye open or something.  Ewww.

I’m really worried that this might be permanent.  That my vision in that eye isn’t going to return to “normal.”  I have glasses that I wear for distance, but I typically only wear them at night when driving or when sitting in my (nosebleed) hockey seats.  The prescription is pretty weak actually.  I had to put them on to be able to see well enough out of my left eye today to drive home from work.  And putting my glasses on actually caused a sharp flash of pain in that eye.

Something definitely not right.  Hopefully this lady can tell me more than the genius in California who told me my eye was “irritated” when it was all red and puffy.

Dr H is flying back to San Diego tomorrow for part 2 of his training.  I feel like I haven’t gotten to talk to him as much lately, between vacation and him being out of town and work and all.  That’s probably a good thing though because now I’m thinking I miss him.  And who wants to do that?!   I think he has finally stopped trying to analyze everything atleast.  Last week, he was convinced that my true “feelings” come out when I’m drinking.  I say no, I’m just a lush.

But I did have a great time with him in San Diego.  No denying that.  I really think the circumstances of seeing him there vs the first meeting in Dallas were so much more relaxed, which made it more enjoyable.  And anyway, his comment earlier tonight pretty much summed things up:  The only hope of us (maybe) ever becoming something more than friends would be if we lived in the same city.  And even then it wouldn’t be guaranteed.  So we’re still friends and grateful for that.  

Catching up with DrH & time to go home

Dr H was actually in San Diego the 4th and 5th for a training class, so we had agreed, if our schedules allowed for it, to try and meet up for dinner while we were both there.  Tuesday evening, we decided, based on the suggestion of my brother and a friend of mine, to meet up in the Gas Lamp Quarter.   My sis-in-law was going to drop me off in that area around 4, so she could avoid most of the traffic heading back to her house.  And Dr H was going to give me a call and meet me somewhere after his class, around 5:30.

After looking at the website, I figured this was a good plan because there would be plenty of places for me to walk around and see and take pictures of while waiting on Dr H.  What I did NOT plan on was the downpour that started about 5 minutes after my sis-in-law dropped me off.  Ugh.  I managed to find a store that sold umbrellas atleast, but it was not the carefree downtown wandering I had envisioned.

Dr H’s class ended early, so he was in the area a little before 5pm.  After a few phone calls and miscalculated intersections, we found each other.  Poor thing was pretty soaked by then.  I tried to share my umbrella, but he was having little to none of that.  Men.  Hmmpph.

I was actually pretty excited about seeing him.  None of that first meeting pressure or worries about how to pass the time.  We wandered down to one of the historic houses that supposedly gives tours until 6pm only to find that they had closed early that day.  Dr H got a kick out of that.  His experiences with my “planning” have not been that great so far.  So we made our way back up 5th street and spotted Martini Ranch and decided to go in and have a drink (and get out of the rain). 

We chatted for awhile there and I was genuinely happy to be with him.  Of course, I’m thinking to myself, could I be attracted to this guy?  Did I misjudge things based on the other stuff that was going on?  I don’t know.  He’s cute.  Am I letting his size keep me away?  Does that make me shallow if I am?  Anyway, we had a good time visiting there then decided to go in search of dinner.  I was definitely more “touchy-feely” with him this time. 

The bartender had recommended a place, but when we walked down there (still raining) it looked a little too fancy.  I was in a tshirt, jeans, and tennis shoes.  So we decided to walk some more.  Then we saw Croce’s and the sign for live jazz music got my attention so we stopped to ask when that started.  It was about an hour away, so we looked over a (pricey) menu and decided we’d have dinner there.

We ordered a bottle of wine and some calamari for starters.  Then opted to split an entree (yummy halibut with asparagus and potatoes).  By then the band had started to play.  I don’t know if it was a combination of the live jazz (which doesn’t have quite the overpowering effect on me that blues music does, but still…) and the wine and the rain or what, but it was soooo undeniably “date-like” and I didn’t mind at all.  I went outside to smoke and called my brother to see what the plans were for the next day (I was heading home).  I mentioned that Dr H offered to bring me to the airport and wanted to see what Dilbert thought about that.  His reply was, do you want to do that?  Basically, my call.

Dr H comes out about that time and gives me a nice hug from behind.  We stood there for a few minutes enjoying the music while I finished my smoke.  Then we went back inside and there, sitting on the table, is a cd of the band that’s playing that Dr H had, very sneakily, purchased for me.  Awwww! 

We shared a dessert while I polished off another glass of wine (we’d emptied the bottle by then).  Then we headed to my brother’s.  I was still undecided about Dr H taking me to the airport the next day.  I wasn’t sure if my brother was really ok with it or just saying so.  So we got there and he got to meet Dr H, we looked at some video of the lake house he just bought near Sam Rayburn in Texas, talked a little, then I could tell Dr H needed to get back (he had class again the next morning). 

So Dilbert explains that if he takes me to the airport, he’d be dropping me off way early (around 7:30 for a 10:30 flight) because he has a meeting.  Dr H says he can take me around 8:30 or 9.  I feel bad because I didn’t even get to tell my sis-in-law or nephews bye (they were already asleep….it was almost midnight afterall) but I guess the alcohol made my manners questionable and I gathered up my stuff and headed back towards San Diego with Dr H to his hotel.

And…um…yeah.  I think we got to sleep around 3am. 

So anyway, we got up the next morning and headed to the airport.  It was about 8:20 when he dropped me off.  I ended up getting on an even earlier flight (headed to Albequerque at 9:20) with the idea that I could catch the connecting flight to Dallas there and be home a little earlier.  Oh the joy of flying standby.  Yes, it’s free, but it’s not without a downside.  The downside being creative travel plans.  I made it to Albq with no problem at around noon.  The flight from there to Dallas was supposed to leave around 2, so I wandered the airport and found a smoking lounge, ordered a drink, and took advantage of their free wireless for a bit.

Then that flight ended up being delayed and was pushed back to 3:20.  I was finally able to check in for that one and the odds of me getting on it weren’t looking too good.  Around 3pm, they sent me and another red pass passenger to another gate to catch a flight to Lubbock (WTF?!).  Then from there, we’d definitely be able to get on the “wide open” flight to Dallas.  So that’s what we did.  I got back into Dallas around 7:45pm and then had to wait another 30 minutes for the damn shuttle I reserved to show up.

Home finally a little before 9pm last night.  Yay!  Picked up Mazzy from the PetsHotel today and she’s finally speaking to me again.  She was happy to see me, happy to leave, and then suddenly seemed to remember she was mad at me.  She’s good now though.  The “Pawgress Report” they gave me is cute.  Cheesey, but cute.  Seems like they took good care of my baby atleast.

Recap of the visit

Ok, let’s see how much I can remember.  This will likely be mostly a list of what we did.  I’m hoping by getting all the details down, I’ll be able to comment on the other stuff later.

Thursday, 3/23:

Ok, so I basically left off at the snuggling-turned-sexcapade which started on the couch and somehow ended up in my room.  I don’t remember the details of the location change, only that it happened at some point.  Much later, like 3am later, I had to crash…since I had to be up for a conference call the next day.  I remember being a little put off by the fact that he didn’t get off.  Seriously…wtf is that all about?  In our previous conversations, he’d said he was all about making the girl feel good.  But every guy says that, right?  And while they may make an effort for awhile, in the end, they get theirs.

Dr Honeydew did not.  And I didn’t feel too good about that.  But…I forced myself to go to sleep anyway. 

Friday:

I didn’t sleep worth a shit.  Not used to sleeping in my bed lately, and certainly not used to sharing it.  I’d have slept better if he’d gone to the guest room afterwards, but that would have seemed inhospitable, right?  lol

I got up and went into the living room with the laptop and called into my (3-hour long) boring ass meeting.  Sometime around 11 Dr H got up and proceeded to come up behind me and give me a hug while I was sitting on the couch.  Um.  Ok. 

After the call was finally over, we hopped in the shower (seperately, thank you very much) and then got ready for the game.  Headed down to the West End early and had a late lunch at Landry’s, where Dr H, once again, insisted on paying.  I appreciate the gesture, but let me pay sometimes, too. 

I think by this point I had started to realize that I had no real chemistry with him.  I know that sounds all wrong consider the activities of the previous night.  I like him.  I do.  And I think he’s a great guy.  And the sex was fun.  But I really didn’t have that sparks-flying-electricity thing with him.  And that’s a big thing for me.  Like, if I really like someone, I want them to put their arm around me.  I want to hold their hand.  I want to kiss them at random times.  I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off them.

I wasn’t feeling that with Dr H at all.  Honestly, I wish I would have been.  He’s such a sweetheart.

After Landry’s, we headed back towards the car and then walked over to the AAC for the game.  We sat in my usual STH seats way up in the nosebleeds.  The game, against the Blackhawks, was lackluster.  We should’ve mopped the ice with them.  Instead, it ended up going to OT and then a shootout, which, after about 8 shooters, we eventually won.

After the game, we met up with people in front of the Old No 7 and then all walked over to the West End…which we quickly discovered was a ghost town.  What happened to that place?  It used to be full of people walking the streets, bar-hopping.  We went to 3 different places before we could find one that was still open:  TGI Fridays.  Meh…it’ll do.

We had fun hanging out there with the Austrailian Stars fans that were in town, as well as a lot of the usual crew.  Dr H drove home because I’d had plenty to drink by then.  We stopped at Denny’s (so I could pee) and ordered some food.  Then went back to my house.  Another night of sex and another night of him not getting off.  My ego is taking a beating at this point.  He atleast partially blamed the condom (I wanted to be on the ring for over a full week before going without a backup), but never once asked to not wear it.

Saturday:

Slept late so that kind of killed our plans of going to do much.  Decided to take him to the World Aquarium but when we got there (2 hours before they closed) there was a line wrapped all the way around the building.  We decided to try again Monday, when it was less apt to be so crowded.  So we went to the Arboretum instead. 

Again, one of those places that, if I was really into someone, I would’ve wanted to hold hands, stand close, etc.  And again, I wasn’t feeling it.  Every once in awhile maybe, but not like it should be in that situation.  This was frustrating me because I felt like a shallow bitch.  I can’t even pinpoint the reasons, I just know I’ve felt like that with every other person I’ve seriously liked.

Back to my house to get ready for company.  I’d invited people over to hang out and meet Dr H.  Most showed up around 8 and we sat around and talked for awhile, had drinks and snacks.  I’m such a social butterfly when I drink, so I’m wandering around talking to everyone and kind of deserted Dr H for much of the night.  I feel bad about that now, but wasn’t consciously doing it.  I was just trying to be a good hostess or something. 

Hours later, a few more people showed up and I was completely toasted by then.  Flirt and I, very unwisely, decided to make a run for the border to get food.  When we got back (thank God!!) I got the message that Dr H was not too happy about us driving….and he had every right to feel that way.  It wasn’t a smart move AT ALL and not something I’m proud of. 

Apparently, at some point, my big mouth shared info I shouldn’t have shared with a few people.  Ugh.  Remind me why I drink again??  But I also learned some info that made me a little uncomfortable.  Not going to get into that right now…  People cleared out a little before 3am and Dr H and I ended up breaking in my new chair and a half.  That was relatively fun, but nothing to write home about. 

Sunday:

Didn’t sleep too late considering.  Headed to the Stars vs Calgary game that started at 2pm.  We had the lower level seats my (old) boss gave me awhile back.  Great seats!  And a great game!!!  That was fun to watch.  And my Mikey scored a goal right in front of us!  :)

After the game, we met up with some friends and visited for awhile.  Then some of us walked over to Hooter’s for lunch.  Dr H barely talked during lunch….it was a little uncomfortable.  Later he told me he wasn’t feeling well.  Had an upset tummy.  Got back home around 7 I think.  I’m losing details (dammit…this is why I wanted to write as the weekend went on) but believe we just hung out at my house the rest of the night. 

I think that was the night that he asked if we could talk.  He said there had been all these unknowns before his visit and wanted to know if all my questions were answered and what I thought now, having spent a few days with him.  I wasn’t sure how to answer that without being awkward.  So I just said that I was glad he was here and that I was having fun with him, but didn’t see anything coming from it.  Long silence where I felt like I should say more….so I brought up the long-distance thing and how I won’t do it.  He says ok and then more silence.  Eventually we just start talking about something else….and had sex on the couch (that time I know he got his!).

Gosh, I am such a whore.

Monday:

I set my alarm so I could get up and work (from home) half a day.  Dr H had coffee made for me.  Awww.  Got a fair amount done and then called it a day around noon.  Then we went for lunch at the Corner Bakery in the West End and then the Dallas World Aquarium.  No line this time…yay!  My tour guide skills suck because I think we ended up doing stuff in the same part of town at least 3 or 4 times.  The DWA was cool, as usual.  I think Dr H enjoyed it, too.

After that we went to Wizard’s and shot a few games of pool and had a couple of drinks.  I miss playing pool.  I used to be good, dammit.  Now…not so much.

Back to my house where we had a pretty heavy makeout session up against the wall in my hallway….which lead to what had to be several hours of sex in various places and positions.  Midway through that, during a brief break, he turns to me and says, “I love you.  You know that right?”

“Um…no you don’t,” I say.  “You heart me.”  Heart being our safe word of expressing that we care about each other.

He says, “I know it’s one sided.”

No response from me.

More sex (and no, gak, no prizes won thankfully!).  Then my bladder finally took over and I had to stop for a potty break.  That pretty much ended the mood.  And I was glad for it.

He worked on my door (leaks when it rains) for awhile and tried to replace the bottom piece with something that you couldn’t even close the door afterwards.  So we hurried back to HD before they closed to buy a different one…which also didn’t work.  So now I have less protection there than I did and holes drilled in the bottom of the door for no reason.  Grrrrr!  I tried not to be too pissy about it because I could tell he felt really bad.  He put some foam stuff on there temporarily until I can get something else done to it.  And it’s supposed to rain while I’m out of town.  Sigh.

A little later, knowing we have to be up early to take him to the airport, we head to bed.  He mentioned that every time the subject of “us” came up, I got really quiet.  And said that, if the distance really was the only problem, that he wished I would reconsider.  That we would make it work.  I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing.  Then he says if it’s more than just that, to say so.  That he’ll still be my friend, no worries.  So I say, it’s more than just that.  That sounds too harsh, so I add that the distance is a factor, but it’s certainly not the only reason.

So I tell him that I know myself.  And I know how I am with someone I really like.  And that I haven’t been that way with him.  He says he’s noticed that the only time I really touched him much was when I’m drinking and that he wasn’t sure if I was just trying not to let the people around us know that I liked him or what.  I tell him that the fact that I wasn’t trying to hold his hand or be affectionate throughout the day tells me there’s something missing.  He says that makes him sad because he thinks we would be really good together.  That we are very complementary and compatible.  And that he really does love me, but knows he can’t make me feel the same way.  And wouldn’t try to.

Again, I’m speechless.  I don’t know why I couldn’t talk to him about what I was thinking.  Well, yes I do.  I don’t want to hurt his feelings.  I don’t want to make him sad.  I don’t want to feel like I’ve led him on.  I feel like a bitch so I say nothing and we eventually fall asleep.

Tuesday:

He woke me up at 6am (after I’d snoozed my alarm….I told him not to let me do that).  He had coffee made for me.  Dammit he’s so nice.  I get ready for work, he showers and gets his stuff together.  We left the house around 7am for the airport.  The ride there was mostly silence.  Little bit of small talk here and there, but mostly silence.  And me, being the wuss that I am, have tears in my eyes most of the way because I feel like the thing I was most worried about, our friendship, is in jeopardy.

We get to the airport, I pull up to drop him off, get out of the car and walk to the back with him to get his stuff out of the trunk.  A big long hug, him agreeing to text me to let me know he got home ok, a peck on the mouth, another big long hug, him telling me again that he loves me, and then he heads into the airport.  And I drive away with a few more tears.  I’m annoyed at the way I wasn’t able to talk to him like I normally could.

A little before lunchtime I sent him an email from work thanking him for coming to see me and all the nice things he does.  And tell him I’m sorry that I can’t say I more than just heart him…but that my lack of actions proves that to me.  And that I’m frustrated and regretful that I let things go the way they did.  And that I still think he’s one of the greatest guys I know.  It sounds so lame, but I didn’t know how to express what I was feeling.

He texted me to tell me his flight landed back in Florida.  Later I get a response to my email where he says he thinks I really do more than heart him but that I’m afraid of the consequences of that.  Because of my sheer distaste for the long-distance thing and not wanting to deal with it.  But that that is a conversation for another time.

I really don’t think that’s it.  And am annoyed that he’s trying to tell me what I feel.

I’m a hypocrite I guess because of the physical side of his visit.  But dammit, consenting adults and all that.  I love him to pieces as a friend, I’m comfortable with him, and we both wanted sex.  Is that so wrong?  Am I kidding myself?  

The best laid plans

Ok, so my idea of updating throughout the weekend didn’t exactly work.  Between running the roads and games and social gatherings, I haven’t had 5 minutes to myself.  And as someone who desperately needs her ME time, it’s been a challenge.

I’m working from home part of today, then I think we’re going to head out to the World Aquarium.  Tomorrow morning I drop him off at the airport, go to work, and then have 2 evenings to get my shit together for San Diego.

I have much to blog about.  Just no time to do it right now.

That’s why the lady is a tramp.

I made it to the airport without much difficulty, and was actually early.   So I got to do the whole pacing back and forth thing and going outside (cold!) to smoke.  I was pretty calm (for me) by the time he called to see where I was.  We definitely didn’t have any problem recognizing each other.  I still say he’s cute.  In some ways, cuter than expected.  In others, not so much.  Not in a bad way, just not what I’m typically attracted to either.  He had his Guster shirt on, which immediately reminded me of one of the pictures he sent me awhile back.  It’s actually the photo caller ID for him on my cell phone.  But I didn’t tell him that.  lolI don’t even remember what we said other than hi or something.  I do remember being much more relaxed than I thought I’d be.  Walked out to my car, put his stuff in the trunk, and then I got the best hug ever!  I was totally going for the quick friendly hug, what I got was him completely encircling me with his arms and squeezing (but not too hard) and holding me there for awhile.  It was cold outside, so that’s how I explained it to my unwilling to face things self.

The drive out of the airport was…chaos.  He had to help me navigate all those damn signs to eventually find our way to the exit.  I was a little too rattled by all of that.  I’m a wuss, I know.  But you throw 500 signs every 20 feet at someone who has a hard time driving at night and you’re just asking for trouble.  Yes, he offered to drive.  But no, I needed something to do to keep me from being too fidgety, since I was trying not to smoke in the car with him.

Headed back towards my house and stopped at Chili’s for a bite to eat and a few (ok, a lot for me) drinks.  The conversation during both the drive and the restaurant were as expected.  Silly.  Random.  Sometimes quiet.  But ok and mostly comfortable.  At least from my perspective.  He may have a different story to tell.  I’ll have to ask him.   I’m not sure what time we left there and headed back to my house.  I think it was around 11 or midnight.  Decided to watch a movie and ended up snuggling on the couch.  It was all friendly and innocent. 

For about 5 minutes….

Comments from the old blog:
Laura – Mar 24, 06: for about 5 minutes?!?!? 😮

Sharla – Mar 24, 06: Get back here and finish that post!!!!

Laura – Mar 27, 06: somebody’s been too busy to blog!! 😮

gak – Mar 27, 06: 5 minutes?? i love you Daisy!!!! did Dr H win a stuffed animal at the county fair??

Daisy – Mar 29, 06: Nope. He didn’t win any prizes. Well, unless me and my mad skills count. lol

Today’s the day.

Since it’s after midnight and all, technically, Dr Honeydew arrives later tonight.  I’m relieved in a way.  Too much time leading up to it.  And personally, I’m sick and tired of reading my blog entries lately. Could I possibly sound any flakier and mental??  lol

I should really be asleep.  Loooong day at work tomorrow, rush home, pick up clothes from the cleaners, last mad dash at cleaning the house, shower, change, and try to relax for a bit before I have to head to the airport.  I haven’t been in DFW in years.  And the drive over there at night will be no fun.  I just hope I don’t end up wandering around the wrong terminal looking for him or anything like that.  Thank goodness for cell phones I guess.

I’m really going to try to blog as I can during the visit.  Just because it might be more fun to go back and read my reactions as they took place rather than a rambling summary after he leaves Tuesday.

I head to San Diego next Thursday for a much-needed week-long vacation…and my first two Stars road games ever.  Wheeeee!

GNO, the final countdown, & painted corners

Last night was GNO for the hockey group.  We take turns planning them, so this month, Miss Hut opted to have us meet for dinner at Gloria’s.  While a nice restaurant with yummy food, the timing was bad.  There was an away game on at 3 and dinner was at 6.  Being Stars fans, helloo….we wanted to watch the game.  So a few of us made an impromptu decision to meet up before dinner to watch the game.  The girls and the guys.  That was fun.

Then the 4 of us girls headed to Gloria’s, where there were no reservations previously made, waited on everyone else to show up, were seated at a long table that made it virtually impossible to talk to anyone other than those on your immediate left or right.  Two girls left quickly after dinner (one had a date, the other had a bday party to go to with her hubby).  The rest of us decided to head over to a local bar for a few drinks where we could chat more easily.

We get to the bar and everyone is even more sedate than before.  It was just an odd mix.  About 15 minutes later, the husbands of 2 of the girls showed up.  Normally, this would have been a serious GNO faux pas, but in this case, it was welcome.  The GNO was over and it never even felt like it got started.  Odd moods all around. 

Dr Honeydew will be here in 4 days.  And I find myself very moody and irritable.  The most surefire way to make me crazy bitch woman is to paint me into a corner.  This time, I think I helped hold the brush, but I am becoming annoyed with the whole situation.  Suddenly now if I don’t feel like talking about any preconceived ideas of an “us” I’m acting weird or distant.  Um….no.  I’m acting like the FRIEND that I have always been.  There is no US, remember?! 

He says I’m allowed to have doubts….these AREN’T doubts.  How can you doubt something you don’t even know?!?!  I know he is a good friend.  But stop acting like I am supposed to know how I feel about you as anything more than a friend right now.  Yes, I’ve seen pictures.  Yes, we’ve been talking for 2 years.  Yes, I met you briefly once upon a time.  Yes, we’ve had phone sex a few times.  But for fuck’s sake, that’s not enough to make me all mushy lovey dovey about seeing you in 4 days.  Hell, NOTHING is enough to make me all mushy lovey dovey all the fucking time.  That’s not me.  I might have moments, but that is not who I am 95% of the time.

When I talked to him last night I said I just want to know that no matter what, we will be FRIENDS like we’ve always been during your visit.  He says of course we will.  Do I believe that?  No.  I think it will be awkward as hell if one of us isn’t interested in anything else.  Shit.  I should’ve never let the past 2 months of conversation turn into this.  We could’ve just met as friends, been cool, had fun.  And hey, maybe we would’ve had a few drinks that might have led to more.  Now everything has all these fucking conditions and strings and doubt and fantasy world bullshit attached to it.

I DON’T WANT ANY EXPECTATIONS!!!!  And as much as he says there are none, I know that there are some….very high hopes atleast.  If I’m not attracted to him, he’ll be all hurt and then I’ll feel shitty and then it will be all weird.  Yes, based on pictures I’ve seen, I think he’s cute.  Note I said cute.  I’ve never dated anyone I thought was “cute.”  I’ve dated people I thought were HOT.  Does that make me shallow?  Not necessarily.  Some of the same people I thought were HOT, others thought were meh at best.  I can’t help who I’m attracted to.  None of us can. 

I know I’ve always gone for the tall, lean (to the point of being ricidulously skinny according to others), dark haired hot guy with an edge.  Tattoos, facial hair, pierced ears, blue collar.  Some combination of all that.  Yes, the traditional “bad boy” look.  I know.  So I tell myself, this guy is NOT a bad boy, I should try (again) to learn to like the nice guys.  He’s tall…..that works for me.  He’s also atleast 70 pounds heavier than anyone I’ve ever dated.  Will that bother me?  I have no idea.  I’d like to think that it won’t, especially given the fact that I’m certainly not at the weight I need to be.  But at the same time, that’s yet another thing that makes him so drastically different from any guy I’ve ever liked.  Granted, he has a lot of GOOD qualities that are drastically different from the men of my past, too.  Which is what draws me to him I think.

I just want to go back to being excited about my FRIEND coming to visit, hang out, and catch a few Stars games.  And I don’t even know if that’s possible now. 

This is me freaking out.  It’s not a pretty, but I had to vent somewhere and this really isn’t the sort of stuff Dr Honeydew should have to hear.

Playing catchup

I’m not meaning to neglect you, dear blog.  I’ve just been on brain overload.  This past weekend was good though.  Another day or two longer and it would’ve been perfect.  😛

Met MommyK and MrsDrillTeam for lunch at 1pm on Saturday.  An appetizer of fried pickles, our entrees, and several glasses of wine later, we found ourselves on the patio, with more wine, a couple of shots, and a case of the giggles.  Good times.

A phone call with Dr Honeydew during the midst of all that was funny.  He may not have thought so though.  I told him MrsDT wanted to talk to him, he said ok.  Then she, loudly, asks in the background, “CAN I ASK HIM ABOUT THE PHONE SEX?!”  Guess he got his first taste of the bluntness that is my girlfriends….which, of course, is why I love them so much.  One reason anyway.

We finally left Love & War around 8pm.  Since it was so close by, I decided to swing back by the furniture store to check out the living room furniture I’ve been eyeballing for months.  I couldn’t find the exact match I was hoping for, so, with the decision making skills of someone who’s been drinking (lightly) for the past 7 hours, I ended up getting the whole set (sofa, chair and a half, ottoman, and chaise) in the same fabric.  It’s a cool golden tapestry print with a little burgandy and olive green in the background.  It’s scheduled to be delivered on Thursday.  Yippee!  I can’t wait to curl up in that big cozy chair with a good book this weekend.  Or lounge around and watch movies on the chaise.  Or maybe even snuggle with Dr Honeydew on the sofa next weekend!

I’ve got another game-watching gathering and GNO dinner scheduled with the hockey girls this Saturday.  Should be good times as well.

Work has been busy, but better lately.  With the transitioning of my being the primary support for all functional issues to me being the backup and 2nd level support and SD becoming the primary, that will free up a lot of time for me to get the rest of my responsibilities handled.  Granted, there’s some training time to make all of this happen, but the plan is, by the end of the month (and before I leave for vacation) she’ll be up and running and able to handle it moving forward.

I finally started yesterday, thanks to the added push from the progesterene pills Doc prescribed.  I’m supposed to insert the NuvaRing 2-5 days into my cycle.  So I’m going to try to wait until Thursday or Friday to do that to make sure the 3 week removal date doesn’t fall during my trip to San Diego.

She also called me with my test results from all the bloodwork I had done last week.  No pregnancy, no HIV, no STDs, no thyroid problems, no extreme hormonal imbalance.  So YAY for all of that.  She wants me to come back and do the glucose test again, after having fasted for 8 hours.  Apparently she has a very slight concern about that and something called PCOS.  But I’m not to panic until we redo that test.  I’m not horribly worried about it yet anyway because I don’t think most of the symptoms apply to me.  Although, the fact that I’ve been on birth control pills for the past 15+ years could have been what has kept (or delayed) me from experiencing some of them.  Hopefully I’ll make it by there this week to do the repeat bloodwork.  Figure if I go first thing in the morning, that will take care of the fasting part.

Dr Honeydew flies in next Thursday night.  He’s got a work-related trip to Chicago first, so now will be flying in from there….after having been up for atleast 24 hours straight from the labtime.  Anyway, I’m excited.

Game day

The past week has been a bit crazy.  Full of obscenely early conference calls and back to back meetings and little to no sleep.  I’m glad it’s over.

Went to happy hour with some friends last night.  That was a good idea.  I’m glad I didn’t wimp out and decide not to go.  It was good to sit and laugh and talk for a few hours. 

Tonight’s the first home Stars game since the Olympic break.  So I’m going to that.  Yay!  After that pathetic loss to Phoenix the other night, we better kick some Avs’ ass tonight.  An out-of-town Stars fan is in town this weekend, so we are meeting up before the game for dinner at Tony Roma’s. 

I’ve been horrible at staying on WW this week.  I blame the screwed up schedule, but that’s really no excuse.  I have just under 3 weeks until Dr Honeydew’s visit and was really hoping to be out of the 180s by then.  It’s still doable, but it’s going to take some real committment on my part to make it happen.  And more than just eating right…I’ve GOT to start exercising. 

I’ve almost reached full panic mode on that particular situation.  Almost.  I’m questioning everything.  But most of all, I’ve stepped waaaay back from him in a sense.  Because I think we’ve gotten a little too carried away with the idea that there are bigger things at work between us.  And I’d hate to have mislead him by encouraging those thoughts if, when he’s here, it turns out I’m not even remotely attracted to him.  Or vice versa.

But anyway, I don’t really feel like regurgitating all of that right now.  I’m just going to lay here and veg and watch a movie until it’s time to get ready to head towards downtown.

Self-Sabotaging?

I guess at no point was I considering my seeing T on Saturday a “date.”  I expected us to hang out, have a few drinks, talk a lot, and enjoy each other’s company.  So I didn’t find it unusual at all that I sent Dr Honeydew a few text messages during that time.  I couldn’t help it.  I was thinking about him.  Thinking it could have been him I was having drinks with and talking and laughing with.

At some point, I realized that was probably not cool.  So I stopped and  T and I talked tons and he showed me some cool websites with more info and pics of his country.  I am just so fascinated by it all.  They have such an interesting history. 

Oh, and did I mention that T got his ear pierced?!  I’m a dork, I know, but it’s way hot.  Anyway, more drinks later, and yes, things moved in other directions.  No need to go into detail, but it was more than just friendly behavior.  Why?  I don’t know.  Pick a reason:  being wanted feels nice, I miss kissing, I’m a selfish bitch, I was drunk, I was horny, he’s fucking hot.  Whatever.

I think what it really boils down to is two things.  One:  I feel like it’s completely ridiculous to shut myself off from others simply because of a psuedo-relationship I have with someone who lives 1200 miles away.  And two, which probably is the only real reason:  Dr Honeydew is soooo nice and soooo thoughtful and sooo sweet and sooooo smart and sooooo incredible.  And I couldn’t finally really be attracted to another “nice guy,” could I?!

True to form, however, when I talked to Dr Honeydew on Sunday, I told him I’d gone out with someone.  He wasn’t exactly thrilled about it, but at the same time, said even if I had been able to talk to him before I left, he would’ve wanted me to go.  That it’s not fair to expect me to hole myself up in my house for the next month.  And that he was actually surprised it hadn’t happened sooner.  He didn’t want details or names or whatever, but was perplexed as to why I was texting him during my “date.”

Anyway, long story slightly shorter, after much guilt (me) and much understanding I came to the conclusion that, at least until after his visit, I won’t be seeing anyone.  I’d rather see what happens with him first and not risk fucking that up over a serving of Turkish Delight that I know will always be a To Go order.

I think Dr Honeydew and I spent almost the entire day on the phone.  A few breaks here and there, but for the most part, we talked until the way wee hours of the morning (neither of us had to work Monday).

P.S.  Am I the only person in the world that had never had phone sex?  Granted, I preferred the real thing the night before, but damn.  I am such a whore.

I hate when I do this.

I wish I could talk to Dr Honeydew, my friend, right now.  Unfortunately, he’s working until 9pm my time and I’m supposed to see T around 9:30.  Even more unfortunately, I don’t think this is something I should talk to him about now anyway.  Granted, he’s still my friend, but I think other things would get in the way of this conversation.

In my more recent years of being single, I’ve come to the conclusion that sex between 2 mutally consenting partners is not wrong.  Especially when those 2 people both know where they stand and no one gets hurt.  I know not everyone agrees with this, but this is MY opinion and my life.   I’ve adopted the ‘if it feels good, do it’ attitude.  I see no reason why I should be expected to go without simply because I haven’t met my Mr Wonderful.  Understand, this does not mean I have been promiscuous or easy.  Over the past two years, there have been a grand total of 2 people that I have gone to to satisfy my physical urges.  One of these people happens to be T.   The other, well suffice it to say, he was never really my friend and I was never really satisfied.  So that is long since over. 

I’m not expecting that T and I seeing each other tonight will lead to sex.  However, being the person that I am, I have to worry about every potential scenario and the possible outcomes of each.  I do know that I am still very much attracted to him.  I also know that we are just friends and that any physical interactions with him will never amount to anything more than that. 

Two months ago, had this possibility presented itself, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought.  We’d see each other, and if we both wanted to do more than talk, we would.  Now, however, it’s complicated. 

Or is it?

Part of me thinks I still have every right to do and act exactly how I would if Dr Honeydew and I had not acknowledged things with each other.  But the other part of me feels like, so much more is surrounding his visit now.  And that, should things with T become physical, I’d be, in a round about way, cheating on Dr Honeydew somehow. 

At the very least, it would hurt him.

I just don’t know how much of what I’m thinking makes sense right now.  And that annoys me more than anything.  I do know that if Dr Honeydew went on a date with someone at this point, I would not be mad.  I would not be upset.  I would not be hurt.  In fact, I would be disappointed in him if he didn’t go if there was someone of any interest to him. 

I don’t think it would upset me.  Sure, I might be a little jealous.  But at the same time, he and I are just talking hypothetically right now.  We’ve yet to spend any real time together in person, so who knows what will translate into real life and what will not.  And I wouldn’t want him putting his life on hold or not doing things that he wanted to simply based on a possibility of something with me.

I really do wish I could talk to him about all of this right now.  If for no other reason than to get a gauge of what his thoughts are on the matter.  At the same time, I realize that would hardly be fair.  If he was upset by it, I wouldn’t want him sitting around worrying over what was or was not happening between T and I tonight.

And while I insist on worrying about every possible outcome, as I do with everything in my life, I generally tend to do whatever feels like the right thing at the time.  I like to think, having thought about it so much beforehand, this helps me better know what the right thing is when I’m faced with the actual situation.

Or maybe it just makes me completely mental.

Well, this should be interesting.

Just got a call from T.  I’ve failed to mention the few times we’ve talked since the big discussion.  He called to wish me a happy birthday, merry Christmas, and on New Years.  And I’ve seen him online a few times and we’ve chatted a bit.  But I haven’t seen him in person since we had the whole friends talk.

So anyway, he just called from work (he’s working a second job on the weekends now) and we talked for awhile.  Then he asked if I wanted to go have drinks or something after he gets off work.  He claims no alterior motive, just wants to see me.  The weather is supposed to get pretty nasty tonight.  It’s been below freezing all day and they are predicting rain/sleet/freezing rain/etc.  So I said I really wasn’t planning to go anywhere if the weather is bad.  He offered to come pick me up.  Or just hang out over here for a little while.

I guess we’ll see how this whole ‘we’re just friends who used to have great sex’ thing goes.  And why do I suddenly feel guilty about it?  Like I know Dr Honeydew wouldn’t be comfortable with the idea of T and I hanging out.  In fact, I worry that he’d be hurt by it.  It’s not like we have some sort of exclusive relationship.  Hell, it’s not like we have a relationship at all…we’ve just been moving in the direction of the idea of potentially having one. 

Shit.  This is such a weird place to be.  Of course, if the whole ‘just friends’ thing with T holds true, I shouldn’t feel guilty.  But I also know how we can be sometimes… 

And whatever happens with T, do I talk to Dr Honeydew about it?  I am the world’s most horrible liar, but at the same time, I don’t want to make him feel weird or worried or upset or anything either.   I know he and I are officially still just the best of friends, but does the fact that we are interested in exploring other options justify my feeling guilty about seeing T tonight?? 

Why does he insist on being sweet?

“Platonic friendship is the interval between the introduction and the first kiss.”  
~ R. Woods

Got a Valentine’s Day package in the mail today from Dr Honeydew.  Totally unexpected and incredibly sweet.  I sent him something, too, but it won’t get there in time because a) I forgot to go to the post office Saturday and b) the other part is a preorder thing that won’t ship out until tomorrow.  But nothing mushy or emotional or anything. 

He, however, he sent me a really cool pewter box that has a quote about true friends being priceless on it.  And he also included a little photo book with quotes about kissing (see above for an example).  Evil, I tell you.  I keep trying not to let my thoughts wander in that direction and he just keeps tempting me.  I think he’s trying to butter me up for his visit.  Wink

As the date draws closer, I am both more and more excited and apprehensive.  I know that we both have strong feelings for each other, simply based on our friendship.  Those feelings have evolved for both of us it seems and it’s a weird place now that we both know the other has entertained thoughts of more.  Whether or not those feelings will translate into the “real” world or not, I don’t know.  Part of me hopes they do, part of me thinks that would be the worst thing ever!  Who wants to fall for someone 1200 miles away?!  Plus I worry that, by the sheer fact we have talked about all of this, we are going to have certain expectations that we will be attracted to each other when he’s here.  What if we aren’t??

We’ve always been able to talk about damned near everything with each other, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that this is any different.  It’s just a strange place for me.  I don’t want to look into the future with this guy.  It’s insane to even consider it, and yet, that’s what I find myself doing.

This is going to be the longest 5 weeks ever…

Wow…now that is some imagination!

Wow.  Seriously.  Wow.  That’s all I can say.  An online conversation with Dr Honeydew last night took a direction that I never would have expected.  I mean, yes, of course, I’ve thought about it.  It’s easy to idealize someone without knowing the physical aspect of things.  I adore him.  And I am horrified that any girl would not snatch him up, given the opportunity.

I also know that I have no idea if I have any physical attraction to him.   Based on a few recent pictures I’ve seen, he seems ok looking.  But thinking someone is attractive and being attracted to him are two completely different things.  But I am soooo emotionally drawn to him and his personality and would be lying if I said I hadn’t been curious about the physical side of it. 

Apparently I’m not the only one who has at least thought about it.  I needed a cold shower after a particularly vivid description of such thoughts.  I’d post it, but that wouldn’t be right.  Hell, just the fact that he could describe them so vividly was a huge turnon!  It just came out of nowhere!  Well, not nowhere.  I mean, we joke about curling up in each other’s arms and watching movies after a long day.  And I did confess to having watched QAF prior to talking to him…which leaves me a little….well, horny.  For lack of a better word.

Add to that the fact that he seems to feel pretty certain that he will, in fact, be making a trip to Dallas at the end of March.  So now, here I am worried about any potentially awkward, friendship-damaging encounters.  Or attempted encounters.  And now to know he’s had such thoughts…I am freaking out!

He says there are no expectations for his visit other than to give me a hug and see some Stars games.  But don’t guys always say shit like that?  I can’t imagine ever getting that particular description out of my mind.  Which just means it could be potentially even more awkward now.  I have no expectations.  He says he doesn’t.  But the fact that we have both thought about the possibility of being more than friends….doesn’t that imply some sort of expectations?  Or hopes atleast?  Admitted or not?

Either way, if we can hang out as friends and get along even half as well as we do online and on the phone, it will be great.  But shit.  What if things go in a different direction???

I’ve had way too much wine and am thinking way too much about this.  I should just shut up now.