Tag Archives: dating

Just calling it like I see it.

So, I didn’t send that email, but after not hearing from him in almost a week and him not responding anymore, I saw him online today,.  I ended up sending a him a message.  Since clearly he wasn’t going to contact me and I am tired of playing the waiting game.

So I IM’d him and said that although he told me not to feel like I was bugging him, that I couldn’t help but feel that I WAS.  And that it seemed like if I didn’t call or message him, I never heard from him.  So that I was going to just back off and leave him alone.  He responded and said he would just have to call and message me then.  No, that’s ok, I told him.  If he wanted to, he would’ve already been doing that.  Then he disappeared from the IM window.  Not sure if it was accidental or on purpose, but either way.

I followed up with an email and just said that I hoped I didn’t sound rude earlier, that I wasn’t mad or anything, but that, ever since I went down to Beaumont to see him, he has been completely different towards me.  And very distant.  I wrote that I think he has had a change of heart and just didn’t want to hurt my feelings.  So I would let him off the hook.  No worries, and that we are still friends as far as I’m concerned.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, but I meant it when I said I was not going to play games.  I said what I needed to say so that I could retain an ounce of self-respect rather than throwing myself at some guy who clearly is just not that into me.

Yeah, it stings a little.  Even though I don’t have any illusions that he would’ve been THE guy.  I couldn’t picture us together long-term, but I was willing to deal with the distance to find out.  The worst part is to have had some semblance of hope restored only to be snuffed back out.

It’s sad that it takes a book for us to realize this!

Be Honest: You're Not That into Him Either - Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve Be Honest: You’re Not That into Him Either – Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve by Ian Kerner

My review: 4 of 5 stars
Any guy who writes a book titled, “She Comes First,” must know what he’s talking about, and that appears to be the case here. It’s kind of sad to admit that a lot of what Kerner discusses in this book is spot on. We have lowered our standards. We do tend to settle for the “in the meantime,” rather than be alone.

Some takeaway quotes:
– What is the point of dating someone if he doesn’t make you feel great?
– What is the point of casual sex if the sex part isn’t any good?
– Dating “in the meantime” is wasted time. Someday is right now. Life is too precious to get stuck in an endless cycle of meantimers who will never, ever wind up with you in the here and now.

I was better off being ambivalent.

Aside from the tiniest flicker of hope in the back of my mind, I think I’d all but given up on the idea of finding someone to spend my life with.  I’ve been focusing more on trying to take care of myself and making myself happy.  And then this funny, country boy voice from the past made itself known to me via facebook, instant messaging, and then phone calls.  And that made me wonder if certain feelings could have possibly survived the 15-20 years it’s been since he and I shared…time.  We never really dated, but we wanted to.  our timing was off, I was too young, he was one of my brother’s best friends, etc.  We flirted, we exchanged letters, he wrote me poems, we kissed, but never any more than that.  We forged a friendship that endured his marraige and divorce, dating others, hanging out, but always walking a fine line.

Now we’re old enough to make our own decisions and 5 years apart in age isn’t the gap it used to be.  And I decided the drive back to my former hometown for a weekend visit was worth it to find out what, if anything, I might find.  Although I’ve talked myself both sides up and down the situation, I couldn’t help but be happy to see how he still makes me laugh, and how I still have a definite attraction to him.  I thought the feeling was mutual, but now that I am back home in Dallas, I’m not so sure.  I’ve tried to imagine a future with him…sometimes I can, sometimes I can’t.  Just the fact that I’ve thought about it is scary.

He told me he knew “without a doubt we would be good together.”  But now things just feel so…silent.  Maybe I need too much reassurance, but honestly, I’d just like to know where things stand.  He says he’s very interested in seeing where this goes, but I’m not sure if his actions agree with that statement.  He works…a lot.  So I know that when he does have a couple of waking hours off, he has more on his mind than just me (if me at all).  

I don’t know.  I think I opened the door to hope and possibilities a little too quickly.  Perhaps I need to force it closed again.  Uncertainty is a bitch.

Can men and women really be “just friends”?

So the recent stuff with Dr H and Flirt (and me, too, I guess) has brought this question back in to my mind.  My brother and I used to have this discussion a lot.  I believed it was possible up until my early college years.  Duckie, being a guy, admits that he doesn’t know of any situation in which a guy is just friends with a girl and he doesn’t have some underlying motive.  Or hope.  Or want something from you.

My opinion on it when I was younger was always, of course we can be just friends.  However, in later years, after the first debate with Duckie about it, I see it differently.  Occasionally I think it is possible, but my opinion always comes back around to NO.

I always had a lot of guy friends in school.  And I was convinced that we were just very good friends.  I ignored all the innuendo and very obvious “clues” that were presented to me at the time.  Looking back, there wasn’t a single one of them that wasn’t standing by, being the shoulder to cry on, hoping to get in my pants if and when Psycho and I were on the outs.  And when they had a girlfriend, we suddenly didn’t hangout anymore.  Until one or both of us was presumably single again.

Girls, how many guys have you been friends with for any length of time that don’t fall into one of the following categories?

  • You’ve slept with or dated him
  • You want to sleep with/date him
  • He wants to sleep with/date you
  • He’s gay

It doesn’t happen very often, if at all.  I think we, as girls, like to think male friendships are completely normal and possible.  But talk to most any guy and ask them their opinion.  Odds are, he’s hoping for something more.  What that something is might vary, and he may not even be conscious of it, but I’ve yet to see this not be the case.

I’m not saying this is a good or a bad thing.  Just don’t kid yourself.

Dr H and I will continue to be friends.  And I know that somewhere, in the back of his mind, he still harbors the hope that we will evolve into more than that.  But he’ll meet someone else eventually.  And if and when he does, will he really still value my friendship all that much?  Once he’s “settled down” with someone, I sincerely doubt we’d talk much anymore.

That’s kind of sad that guy/girl friendships work that way.  But they do.  I mean, think about it…if you’re dating/married to some guy and one of his best friends is a girl, would you really be comfortable with that? 

I wouldn’t.  But then my boyfriends have always eventually ended up in bed with those “friends.”  Maybe I’m just jaded.

Self-Sabotaging?

I guess at no point was I considering my seeing T on Saturday a “date.”  I expected us to hang out, have a few drinks, talk a lot, and enjoy each other’s company.  So I didn’t find it unusual at all that I sent Dr Honeydew a few text messages during that time.  I couldn’t help it.  I was thinking about him.  Thinking it could have been him I was having drinks with and talking and laughing with.

At some point, I realized that was probably not cool.  So I stopped and  T and I talked tons and he showed me some cool websites with more info and pics of his country.  I am just so fascinated by it all.  They have such an interesting history. 

Oh, and did I mention that T got his ear pierced?!  I’m a dork, I know, but it’s way hot.  Anyway, more drinks later, and yes, things moved in other directions.  No need to go into detail, but it was more than just friendly behavior.  Why?  I don’t know.  Pick a reason:  being wanted feels nice, I miss kissing, I’m a selfish bitch, I was drunk, I was horny, he’s fucking hot.  Whatever.

I think what it really boils down to is two things.  One:  I feel like it’s completely ridiculous to shut myself off from others simply because of a psuedo-relationship I have with someone who lives 1200 miles away.  And two, which probably is the only real reason:  Dr Honeydew is soooo nice and soooo thoughtful and sooo sweet and sooooo smart and sooooo incredible.  And I couldn’t finally really be attracted to another “nice guy,” could I?!

True to form, however, when I talked to Dr Honeydew on Sunday, I told him I’d gone out with someone.  He wasn’t exactly thrilled about it, but at the same time, said even if I had been able to talk to him before I left, he would’ve wanted me to go.  That it’s not fair to expect me to hole myself up in my house for the next month.  And that he was actually surprised it hadn’t happened sooner.  He didn’t want details or names or whatever, but was perplexed as to why I was texting him during my “date.”

Anyway, long story slightly shorter, after much guilt (me) and much understanding I came to the conclusion that, at least until after his visit, I won’t be seeing anyone.  I’d rather see what happens with him first and not risk fucking that up over a serving of Turkish Delight that I know will always be a To Go order.

I think Dr Honeydew and I spent almost the entire day on the phone.  A few breaks here and there, but for the most part, we talked until the way wee hours of the morning (neither of us had to work Monday).

P.S.  Am I the only person in the world that had never had phone sex?  Granted, I preferred the real thing the night before, but damn.  I am such a whore.

I hate when I do this.

I wish I could talk to Dr Honeydew, my friend, right now.  Unfortunately, he’s working until 9pm my time and I’m supposed to see T around 9:30.  Even more unfortunately, I don’t think this is something I should talk to him about now anyway.  Granted, he’s still my friend, but I think other things would get in the way of this conversation.

In my more recent years of being single, I’ve come to the conclusion that sex between 2 mutally consenting partners is not wrong.  Especially when those 2 people both know where they stand and no one gets hurt.  I know not everyone agrees with this, but this is MY opinion and my life.   I’ve adopted the ‘if it feels good, do it’ attitude.  I see no reason why I should be expected to go without simply because I haven’t met my Mr Wonderful.  Understand, this does not mean I have been promiscuous or easy.  Over the past two years, there have been a grand total of 2 people that I have gone to to satisfy my physical urges.  One of these people happens to be T.   The other, well suffice it to say, he was never really my friend and I was never really satisfied.  So that is long since over. 

I’m not expecting that T and I seeing each other tonight will lead to sex.  However, being the person that I am, I have to worry about every potential scenario and the possible outcomes of each.  I do know that I am still very much attracted to him.  I also know that we are just friends and that any physical interactions with him will never amount to anything more than that. 

Two months ago, had this possibility presented itself, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought.  We’d see each other, and if we both wanted to do more than talk, we would.  Now, however, it’s complicated. 

Or is it?

Part of me thinks I still have every right to do and act exactly how I would if Dr Honeydew and I had not acknowledged things with each other.  But the other part of me feels like, so much more is surrounding his visit now.  And that, should things with T become physical, I’d be, in a round about way, cheating on Dr Honeydew somehow. 

At the very least, it would hurt him.

I just don’t know how much of what I’m thinking makes sense right now.  And that annoys me more than anything.  I do know that if Dr Honeydew went on a date with someone at this point, I would not be mad.  I would not be upset.  I would not be hurt.  In fact, I would be disappointed in him if he didn’t go if there was someone of any interest to him. 

I don’t think it would upset me.  Sure, I might be a little jealous.  But at the same time, he and I are just talking hypothetically right now.  We’ve yet to spend any real time together in person, so who knows what will translate into real life and what will not.  And I wouldn’t want him putting his life on hold or not doing things that he wanted to simply based on a possibility of something with me.

I really do wish I could talk to him about all of this right now.  If for no other reason than to get a gauge of what his thoughts are on the matter.  At the same time, I realize that would hardly be fair.  If he was upset by it, I wouldn’t want him sitting around worrying over what was or was not happening between T and I tonight.

And while I insist on worrying about every possible outcome, as I do with everything in my life, I generally tend to do whatever feels like the right thing at the time.  I like to think, having thought about it so much beforehand, this helps me better know what the right thing is when I’m faced with the actual situation.

Or maybe it just makes me completely mental.

The man in black

For the last week or so I’ve been in a mood.  I don’t let it surface very often, but when it does….wow. 

I had no idea that, 5 years ago, when asshole-exbf (from now on, known as Badass) and I split up, I would still be undeniably single at this point.  As someone who has gone from one long-term relationship to another, it’s a weird feeling. 

I know it has been good for me in a lot of ways.  I’ve rediscovered a lot of myself that had long been buried under the timid, clingy, self-esteem-less shell of a person I became over the 6 years he and I were together.  I feel more like myself than I have in a long time.  Only still not quite myself.  I blame the weight gain on that.  And I can’t help but wonder how many amazing and wonderful guys I passed up because my head and heart were too wrapped up in the wrong guy.  I know of at least one.

My high school reunion in 2003 really opened my eyes to a lot of things.  I had guys I had been friends with in high school tell me how they had the biggest crush on me back then.  But that they knew I would “never” break up with my high school sweetheart.  Plus, I think people were a little afraid of him.  He didn’t get the nickname “Psycho” for nothing.  He and I dated for 7 years.  There were breakups during that time, but we always ended up back together (translation:  I always took him back). 

I was in college when we finally split up for the last time.  Once I’d recovered from the heartache of it all, I had several months of actually dating.  It was the first time in my life I’d ever just dated.  One was a guy I knew from kindergarten,  before my family moved outside of the city and I started attending a different school.  He was Door #1.  We reconnected when I found out he lived right down the street from a friend of mine.  I, of course, was dating Psycho at that time, but Door #1 and I started talking again, even hanging out a little.  Once Psycho and I had split up, Door #1 and I began to see more of each other.

And then I met Door #2.  A guy I went to high school with (a few years older than me) and I used to go take smoke breaks together when we were both working at the mall.  I always thought of him as a very good friend, nothing more.  One night, after work, we went and played pool with some friends of his.  There was this totally adorable guy there that looked soooo familiar to me.  Later I realized I had met him once before, and liked him then, too, but he was married.  Anyway, the next day, totally adorable guy, Door #2, showed up at my parents’ house (I was still living there at the time).  I opened the front door and he quoted a line from the movie Singles and my heart melted.

“I was just nowhere near your neighborhood.”

Thus began my relationship with Door #2.  He was now divorced.  He’d caught his wife cheating on him (they married very young) while his baby daughter was sleeping in her crib near the bed.  I was devastated for him.  We both talked about our failed relationships and shitty partners that insisted on deceiving us.  And we were both more than a little scared to open up our hearts again.  So we dated, casually, for awhile.  Then things became much more intense.

By intense, I mean, scary.

Door #2 had a 15-month old daughter that he had custody of.  I was not even 21 yet.  I babysat her a lot while he was working.  We took her to movies with us, to lunch, to dinner.  We had our alone time, too, thanks to his mother.  I’ve had a habit, for as long as I can remember, of writing things down to clear my head.  I’d just grab a pen and paper and pour my heart out.  Every thought, wrong as it may have been.  So, knowing that Door #2 was still struggling with things, suggested he try it.  And boy did he.

He ended up wanting me to read what he wrote.  All 6 pages of it.  He talked about how awful it was to find his wife cheating on him.  And his fears in raising his daughter alone.  And this new person he had met that had shown him a side of himself he had forgotten.  And he went on to describe this wonderful girl, in a way that she could never describe herself.  That girl was me.  And he understood me better than I did.  It was the most sincere, sweet, wonderful thing anyone had ever said or written to me.  He wrote about how he has to think of his daughter now and make the right decisions for her.  And how much she loved me and I her.  I made a copy of it before I gave it back to him because I wanted to remember how good it made me feel.  And how badly it scared the living shit out of me.

This was a guy who would leave little notes on my car while I was at work.  Who would show up at random times with a handful of daisies.  Who was genuinely interested in how my day went and my happiness and my well-being. 

And he scared the shit out of me.  I fell in love with him and started backing away from him at that very instant.

Not long after that, I was at the local pool hall (I used to be a shark, what can I say?) with a friend of mine.  In walked tall, skinny, blue-eyed Badass, aka Door #3.  He interrupted our game with some cheesy line.  I pretended to be annoyed.  Meanwhile, sparks were flying.  No, sparks is not the right word.  Freaking fires blazing.  Yes, that’s much more accurate.  I gave him my number with the condition that he couldn’t write it down.  It was a ridiculously easy phone number. 

He didn’t call.  I lamented about this to my mother.

One night, after class, I headed to a local bar with a friend to hear Door #1’s band play.  It was Valentine’s Day.  Afterwards, he walked me to my car, thanked me for coming, gave me a hug, and kissed me.  For the first time.  I was giddy.  As I got into my car to drive away, I saw a little piece of paper fluttering under my windshield wiper.  When I got out to retrieve it, I was shocked to find that it was a note from Badass.  Said he saw my car and wanted to wish me a Happy Valentine’s Day but didn’t know if he should come in and say hi or not.

When I got home, Mom told me he had called.  And that she told him where I was.

The timeline of all of this is kind of blurred now.  But at one point, I was talking to, if not dating, all 3 of them.  And it was nice.  And honest.  They all knew I was seeing other people.   Eventually, Door #1 fell by the wayside.  He was either too shy, or just not interested enough.  So here I had Door #2, this amazing, good-looking, divorced, dedicated father and sweetheart of a guy who adored me and respected my wishes to not rush into anything.  And I had Door #3, Badass.  A fast-talking, heart-racing player of a guy who insisted that he wanted to be with me and only me and that the idea of me seeing other people was killing him.

So who did I spend the next 6 years of my life with??  Ugh.

Door #2 and I remained friends for a long time after that.  Until Badass became good friends with my dad’s mechanic, who had known and been friends with Door #2 for a very long time.  When Badass and I would have problems or break up, I’d find myself wanting to see, call, talk to Door #2.  Badass found out and went ballistic.  So I stopped talking to Door #2 all together.

There was a lot more that went on, like me taking Door #2 out for his birthday and getting him drunk when I was still too young to legally buy alcohol.  Duckie’s girlfriend babysat and Door #2 crashed on the couch at my parent’s house that night.  My parents adored him.  They would invite him places, like to the beach cabin we rented for a week in the summer.  They’d offer to watch his daughter so he and I could go down to the beach.  They were literally pushing him on me.  And I dug my heels in so hard I got whiplash.

I’m not proud of the way I handled it, but these are the choices I have made in my life.  It’s not to say that Door #2 was THE ONE.  That, I doubt, because he had some issues of his own.  But I know for a fact, things would have been a lot different had I opened that door rather than the one I chose.

Girls always say they want a nice guy.  They want romance.  They want to be loved.  I still say that.  And yet, I had one right in front of me and still chose a rebel without a cause bad boy who would break my heart.  Over and over.  Not once (Psycho) but twice (Badass). 

Those who don’t learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them.

Comments from old blog:

Nilla – Jan 07, 06: My wiseass opinion is that you were too young for any of that shit. I got married at barely 20 and didn’t have a clue what the hell life was really about and how love and feelings worked until about 25. And now at 30 I think I can finally say I’m a grownup and now I’m ready for what life throws at me. Seriously, don’t lament those past relationships. They filled whatever need you had at the time. And everyone has had a BAD RELATIONSHIP or two so don’t lament that either.

Daisy – Jan 07, 06: I guess I’m not lamenting the bad relationships so much as just hoping I learned from them. So when the next Mr Wonderful appears, I’ll recognize and appreciate him.

Denice – Jan 10, 06: I think you the timing was off for door #2, that is a whole lot to take on at such a young age. My hubby and I met when I was 20 and when he said he loved me, I was scared shitless and he did not have an ex or kids to deal with. The Badass is great fun, but it sounds like it is good you got over him. I hear it is tough to find people, but you will.

Andrew – Jan 11, 06: So what’s wrong with the nice guy?

Daisy – Jan 11, 06: Nothing is wrong with the nice guy. That’s just it. So why, when given the option, do I never seem to choose one? I think it’s the excitement level. Maybe I need a nice guy who can still be spontaneous and wild. Do they make those?

Andrew – Jan 12, 06: Sure they do! The difference is that the nice guy won’t ditch you at the wild club that he spontaneously drug you to halfway across the country! 😉

Resolutions in 2006

I don’t think I’ve ever really made any New Year’s resolutions before.  So why not try something different and actually decide on a few goals for this year?  Here we go…

  1. Reach my goal weight.  I’ve wavered on my new beginning with WW the past few weeks.  So starting now, it’s back on plan and making a genuine effort to learn to eat properly again.  It’s not a diet, it’s a LIFESTYLE CHANGE!  That’s the only way I’ll lose it and keep it off.  And I have every intention of doing just that.
  2. Money matters.  If I don’t have it, don’t spend it.  Yes, that means put the damn credit card away.  I’ve been caught in a viscious cycle of sending every spare dime to my debt, but then I’m always broke so I use the card.  Which means, I’m getting nowhere.  So this week, I will re-create a NEW budget that I can honestly live within while still making substantial payments towards my debt.
  3. Stop procrastinating so much at work.  If I would start being a little more proactive, I should be able to put an end to the long hours atleast some of the time. 
  4. Stop sleeping on the damn couch.  I think that is one of the key causes of my sleep issues. 
  5. Stop being such a wimp and make a genuine effort to start dating again.  And by dating, I do not mean the “friends with benefits” situations I’ve gotten into in the past year or so.

Ok.  I think that’s plenty.  And realistic.  Good luck to everyone else on theirs.  Let’s have a kickass year!

Officially, no response from T.

It dawned on me that it’s been roughly a month since I sent that email to T.   I think that officially qualifies as a non-response.  Honestly, I’d pretty much forgotten about it until Nala (Mexigoalie’s bf) asked me what was going on with T and me.  And then I remembered…the email.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised.  And maybe even disappointed.  As he’s always been very well-mannered with me, I expected atleast a courtesy reply.  I knew when I sent it, I ran the risk of ending the relationship completely.  But that’s ok.  I still feel good for saying what I wanted/needed to say.

Atleast I got some fun memories out of it.  And a cool cd.  😉

So I sent that email…

Well, sort of.  I sent an amended version of it based on the conversation I had with T last night.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  First, about the phone call. 

It was a little superficial at first.  Then he mentioned that I could keep the cd he loaned me, so I’m thinking, ok, that definitely means he doesn’t have any plans of us seeing each other anymore.  So I tell him, I’ve already made a copy (noooo!  I would never do that!) and will mail it to him if he wants.  Then he’s all, no, that’s silly…which leads to more discussion about our situation.  He still talks out of both sides of his mouth a little bit, which I could easily read things into.  But I’m not.  I’m taking it at face value.  He’s just not into me (stupid book).  We both like each other as people.  Period.  Dot.  End of sentence. 

We talked about the friendship thing and he said he does want to be friends, but he’s afraid he is going to feel bad every time he looks in my eyes now because he hurt my feelings.  Well, he did.  But I’m a big girl and understand you can’t force something if it isn’t there.  So today, I altered the dreaded draft email to address some of the things we talked about.  And basically just left it as I think you’re a good person, I’d like for us to be friends, I don’t know if we can agree on what that means, and if it’s uncomfortable just say so and let’s be done with it.  And then I hit the Send button.

I figure one of several things will happen now:

  1. He’ll be annoyed by it and not respond.
  2. He’ll feel uncomfortable about the whole situation and not respond.
  3. Some other variation of not responding.
  4. He’ll feel uncomfortable about it and respond to tell me it’s too awkward for us now.
  5. He’ll respond and tell me he just wants hot sex on occasion.
  6. He’ll respond and tell me he wants to be friends and have hot sex.
  7. He’ll respond and tell me he wants to redefine our friendship.

Feel free to add your input or other possible outcomes.  😛

Oh, and my Stars had to go and lose to the damn Canucks last night.  Pheh!

On a brighter note, they are giving away tons of free tickets to the next few home games (still trying to win those fans back).  A friend of mine that I don’t get to see as often as I’d like (the girl who helped me drink too much wine at my open house…I’ll call her Red) won platinum seats to this Thursday’s game and invited me to go with her.  Since that wasn’t one of my season ticket games (I share my seat with another lady), I jumped at the chance.  Should be good times.

And the following week, yours truly won platinum seats to the game against the Sharks.  Yay!

Oh, screw it.

It’s MY journal and if I’m thinking something I should be able to write about it.  That’s the whole point of this thing for me, isn’t it?  To record who I am and what I’m feeling today.  To vent.  To get it all out.  To second guess myself.   To rant.  To ramble.  To blathe?  (Sorry…Princess Bride reference).

I’ve always been the type of person who needs to get things out on paper (or computer these days).  Many times, after doing so, I simply hit the delete key and feel better for just having gotten it out of my system.  So, with that in mind, I started drafting an email that I had no intentions of ever sending to T.  Just clearing things up.  Explaining why I thought the things I thought.  And his role in all of that.  And whether or not we can remain friends (which would have to be redefined). 

I did this the other day and it helped a little.  Having been through several edits, it’s not accusatory.  It’s not bitter.  It’s not obnoxious.  It’s not whiney.  It’s not asking him to reconsider.  It’s just honest.  But I couldn’t make myself hit the delete key.  So it’s now lurking in my draft folder.  And I’m thinking to myself,  we were friends before, and could always talk about things.  Why should this have to be any different? 

Send?  Delete?  Send?  Delete?

I think I’ll let it breathe in my draft folder a little while longer.

Great night with T

We ended up going to a nice little place with a (small, but really good) jazz band.  The food was good, the conversation was great, the music was excellent.  The only negative was the cramped little table we were at by the wall.  I’m really fascinated with T’s background and culture.  I was never good at U.S. history, much less world, but the more I talk to him about where he is from, the more I want to learn.  <dork> I ordered some books about it (with a gift card I already had, of course) on B&N today.  </dork>

We talked about our families, how we were raised, the relationships our parents have, our views on marraige and family and goals in life.  The more I talk to him and learn about him, the more I *gulp* like him.  Danger!  Danger Will Robinson!!

Which leads us to the big question of the night, which took place after dinner.  We sat and talked in the restaurant for another hour or so and then decided to go to a nearby bar for a few drinks.  It was nice out so we walked over there.  I noticed, during our walk, he not only did not try to hold my hand or put his arm around me (he used to), but he had his hands in his pockets.  So, we get to the bar, and after a drink and mindless chatter, amidst the crowd and the live band and the football game on tv, I figure it’s now or never. 

So… I ask him what is it exactly that we are doing?  Are we dating?  Are we just friends?  Are we just friends who have sex occasionally?  What?  And he’s quiet for a few seconds.  Awkward.  I say there is no reason for him to feel pressured or cornered or uncomfortable.  That I genuinely just want an honest answer.  Here’s me paraphrasing the next bit.

T:  We are friends.

Me:  Ok.

T:  No, I mean we are definitely friends.  At the very least.

Me:  Ok.

T:  What do you think?

Me:  I’d agree with that.  At the very least, friends.

T:  I think before, until when you didn’t hear from me for awhile, we were dating.

Me:  And now?

T:  Well did you think that?

Me:  I didn’t initially, when we first started going out.  Like I told you, I didn’t think you wanted that.  But then, for those last several months, we were seeing each other more and more and yes, I felt like we were dating.  Which is why it was so disappointing to just suddenly not hear from you for awhile.

T:  I know.  And I am really sorry about that.  I haven’t told you all of it….

So he begins telling me more of what was going on during those months he was incognito.  Along with some of the other issues, he tells me about how he really thought he was going to have to go back home.  About his frustrations.  About not wanting to have to leave.  And how, because of the situation he is in, he can’t get comfortable here.  He doesn’t know ultimately what will happen.  He wants to stay, but between working to pay his bills and school, he’s struggling with both.  And fears that, at any moment, one little slipup and he’s gone.  And that because of that, he doesn’t know if he should get too close or involved in a serious relationship. 

Part of me, trying to understand the situation he is in, sees his point.  Another part of me thinks this is the whole wants-his-cake-and-eat-it-too speech.   So I ask what is it he would like for me to do.  Because one minute he wants to see me more, and the next, he’s unsure.  He says he does want to see me and talk to me.  That I am the most genuine and real person he’s met here.  “A very decent person,” I believe he said.  Something like that.  Anyway, based on past talks with him, I take it as a very sincere compliment. 

So as the conversation (and my drinks) progress, he mentions how some of his friends here (from where he is from) told him he will never make it through school here.  Never get his citizenship.  Unless…….can you guess what is coming next? 

Marraige.

They told him about women here who will do that for a specified monetary exhange.  And he laughed and seemed surprised by this.  He said, I can barely take care of myself, how am I supposed to take care of a wife and kids.  I told him, in that type of arrangement, I think the only “taking care of” you are expected to do is a monthly payment or something.  And doubt there would be any kids.  So then I’m curious as to just how much thought, if any, he has given this idea.  So we talk and joke about it more. 

Then we get back to talking about what is it he wants out of being here.  Get a degree and go home?  Stay here?  He wants to stay here.  And have the freedom to go home and visit.  Right now, if he does that, he is worried something will happen and he won’t get to come back.  So I tell him all he can do is focus on the things he has control over.  He has to be in school fulltime.  He has to earn enough money to live.  Those are inflexible.  So we talk about different options, jobs, income, etc.  I can tell he is overwhelmed and stressed over these things, and has been for some time.  And he won’t ever ask for help.  So I offer to do some research on student loans, international students, etc and see what I can find.  I work with a lot of people who have been in his position and feel certain they could provide some good information.

He tells me I don’t have to do that.  I say I know that….again, this is what friends, people who care about each other, do.  He again mentions that I am a very decent person.  And laughs and says that if he was going to pay someone to marry him, he’d pay me.

Um.  A joke?  Yes.  I think.  But still.  I’m all speechless and stuff.

Finally I laugh, a little too forced, and say, I’m not going to marry you so you can stay here.  We both had said earlier that it was something we hoped to only do once.  So we better make damn sure we picked the right person in the first place.  He says he knows.  He’s just frustrated.  I say, if you want something bad enough, you’ll find a way to make it work.  Stop worrying about the small stuff and focus on the big picture and the steps you need to take to get there.

So that was pretty much the end of that particular topic of conversation.  I guess I really didn’t get an answer to my question.  And at the same time, I did.

We walked back over to our cars and stood there, leaning against my car and/or each other, and talked for another 30-40 minutes.  About our past relationships.  About our friends.  About life in general.  And whether or not either of us was ready to call it a night.  That led to much kissing (and every nerve ending in my body rejoiced…I swear I could kiss this man for hours).  And then, sex-starved whore that I am said either come to my place or take me to yours.

We opted for mine.  It was closer. 

Yay!  It was a great night.  I miss sex.  Sigh.  Talked a little more afterwards.  I love that he doesn’t just rollover and pass out.  It was a great way to wake up, this morning, too.  I forget how much I miss waking up with someone.  And that groggy-eyed cuddling that leads to wakeup sex.  For me, not a morning person AT ALL, it’s always a pleasant mix of being awake and a really good dream.  And then after awhile he had to leave.  I told him he never really gave me a straight answer.  We’ll talk about it some more later, he said.  A hug, kiss on the cheek, kiss on the forehead, and he headed home, after grabbing my paper for me from the front yard and loaning me a cd of some music I wanted to hear. 

I’m more and less confused about things now than I was before, if that makes sense.  Why do I always like either jerks or guys that are, ultimately, unavailable to me?  I’m thinking more and more that T falls into the latter category. 

SPF & Dinner Dates

Stuff Portrait Friday

Only my second week in to playing and I failed miserably.  I didn’t even attempt to play.  Sorry, football is not my bag, baby.  But I did enjoy seeing everyone else’s pictures.  I’ll have to see what next week’s assignment brings.

I got a call from T a little while ago.  We made plans to go to dinner tomorrow night.  And already, I find myself falling back into old habits.  Having been cheated on, habitually, in my past relationships, I tend to be suspicious.  Of everything.  And second guess everything that is said.  I’ve gotten better at not being (quite) so mental, but I do still find myself remembering the most minute details of conversations.  Then, later, when something is said that varies from that, even slightly, big red flashing sirens start going off in my brain.  That happened earlier, when talking to T.  I should also mention that English is not his first language, so that has lead to misunderstandings in the past.  Adding to the confusion.  Sigh.

I think, should dinner actually happen tomorrow, we will have a conversation about these things.   And about what it is, exactly, that we are doing.  I’ve had no problem with the casualness of our relationship over the past year, but I just want to know where things stand.  He’s said things lately that have made me think it’s not as casual as I have tried to keep it.  But he’s also been, as far as I know, incredibly honest with me about what else he may or may not be doing and likewise from me.  So now, with the warning lights going off, I want to approach the issue now rather than sweep it under a rug until there is a huge pile of crap there to wade through. 
One thing I have learned, and will pass on to all of you out there, is, if you think you are being lied to by your partner (or potential partner), never, and I do mean never, show your hand until you know what s/he is holding.   I’m sure I’ll be criticized by some for saying that, but understand me…I’m not talking about playing head games.  I’m talking about not making or breaking something until you really know the situation.  In most cases, s/he will either set the record straight, or bury themself with lies.  At no point prior to that should you divulge whatever bits of information you know.  Or think you know.  That only shows them the way out, should they be trying to deceive you.  And should you be misguided in your suspicions and tell them about it upfront, it will only make you seem, well…mental.

Damn.  Now I sound like psychocrazybitterbitch.  I’m so not that person (anymore).  Honest. 

Enough of that…what in the crap am I going to wear tomorrow night?  And where should we go for dinner?  These are questions that need answers. 

Truth Time with T

Mondays almost always suck.  Today wasn’t really any different.  Only it didn’t suck as badly as it could have, I guess.  Work was busy.  Still have work that I have to finish up tonight. 

I got home around 7 and have been sitting here going through the mail, looking at a magazine, and listening to the cd T loaned me.  I wish it had the case to go with it (although I’m certain I wouldn’t be able to read any of it) just so I’d know who it was or to try and read along with the lyrics or something.  Again, I’d have no idea what they were saying, but still.  I really like this music.  Definitely not going to make a copy of it.  That would be wrong.  😉

Hopefully things will work out so that I can take Thursday off to go to (specific event) with friends that day.  Should be fun if I can swing it.

*** This entry interrupted by a phone call from T ***

Truth Hurts

 

Ok.  It’s now after midnight and I have all my answers.  Three hours of conversation and there will be no happy couple here.  Atleast not with T.  He thinks I am a great person and a wonderful friend.  And really his only friend here that he can hang out with.  I said I am not in the habit of sleeping with my “friends” (well, there were some adventures in my youth, but that’s another story).  He said yeah, maybe that was not so good.  But admittedly, we did have sex the 2nd time we ever saw each other (soooo not like me).  And he thought we were having fun.  And we were.   We were (are) friends and both happened to want sex, so he didn’t see the harm.  Honestly, I didn’t either.  I was convinced I was finally having “casual sex” for the first time in my life.  And handling it quite well.  For awhile.  Until the whole feel of dating came into play and then I had to go and be such a damn girl and start having emotions and shit. 

We both agreed I should’ve asked the question a long time ago (we met a year ago yesterday).  But, until earlier this year, I didn’t think it was an issue.  Until we started going out more.   And doing couple-like things.  Curling up on the couch together.  Holding hands.  All that mushy crap. 

He said he didn’t want to give me false hope (hey Nilla, you were atleast half right!  And I guess I was right about the unavailable part) but that he did not feel that way about me and didn’t think that would change.  Gee…then maybe you should consider NOT saying things like (in response to conversations about my ex) “I would never treat you like that” or “I would never do that to you.”  While putting your arm around me.  Yeah.  You wouldn’t do that to me because you had no plans of ever really dating me.  Hello?!!! 

I feel like such a fucking idiot right now.  But am glad to have an honest answer.  He said he felt bad for making me feel bad and I don’t want him to think that.  I’m glad he was honest finally.  I really am.  Peoples’ actions (or should I say, my interpretation of those actions) don’t always match with reality.  And I read way too much into things I guess.  Although I won’t accept full responsibility for that.  I mean, T did play a role.  He may not have known it, but he certainly gave me enough ammunition to shoot myself in the foot.  Or heart.  Whatever. 

He says he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend.  Doesn’t want me out of the picture.  But that is up to me.  I tell myself we can try to still be friends and I can go back to the mindset I had before…that we are just having fun.  And we do have fun together.  And I actually have remained friends with some of the people I’ve dated in the past (Yes…I KNOW….T and I are NOT dating.  I get it!!!)  That I can forget all the thoughts I’ve had and we can still hang out.  But I don’t know if that is realistic for me. 

My first adventure into the world of casual sex and I failed miserably.  What is most irritating to me is that, this is the first guy I’ve met  that I actually liked since Jackass and I split up five years ago.  Someone please help me wash this big clueless sign off my forehead. 

Holiday Weekend Over

How sad.  I’m not ready to go back to work.  It’s been so nice being lazy.  And I don’t even feel guilty about it.  Other than a few small projects around the house, I have done absolutely nothing the past 3 days.  In fact, I didn’t even leave the house except for once last night to buy smokes and pick up some Taco Bueno.  I’m not a hermit, really.  I’m just conserving gas.  😛

I talked to T earlier tonight.  I guess we really have been crossing signals or something.  I don’t call him because I don’t want to be annoying.  Plus I know he’s either working or in class all day and night.  He doesn’t call because I don’t call so he thinks I don’t want to talk to him.  He had fun hanging out with my friends but thinks it doesn’t matter if he is there or not because I am having fun with my friends either way.  And that I see them all the time, but him, not so much.  There was a month or so there where we saw each other almost every week.  And I didn’t know what to make of it. 

I told him you are welcome to come out with us anytime.  I would love to see you more often.  But you told me, almost a year ago, you had to focus on work and school and did not have time for a girlfriend.  I’m trying to respect that.  I like spending time with you.  With or without my friends.  All you have to do is ask.  I’m not a freaking mind reader, although some of my old friends were convinced I was psychic.  Or maybe they meant psycho.    Anyway.  So he said he did not remember saying he didn’t have time for a girlfriend.  Whatever.  Maybe he said it because, at the time, we barely knew each other and he wasn’t sure who he was dealing with.  I’m the type of person that, you tell me something like that, I’m not going to argue with you or try to change your mind. 

So he tells me I can call him anytime.  If he is busy, he will call back when he can.  I say likewise.  And invited him to dinner this weekend.  He says he doesn’t think he has any plans and would like that.  The not thinking he has plans thing…um…does that mean he’s waiting to see if a better offer comes along?  Or am I being anal?

Ugh.  When did dating become so complicated?