Because I haven’t found the words…

So many things have happened in the past month, even the past year, but none of them will ever come close to the devastating loss of my best friend.  I know I need to write about it, to preserve my own memories, and perhaps as a way to help exorcise some of this pain.

I’m just not ready to do that yet.  I have entirely too much anger in me right now….which turns into guilt, which turns into overwhelming sadness, which turns into anger again.

Farewell, Harry Potter!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Harry Potter, #7) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling

My Review: 4 of 5 stars
I waited forever to read the conclusion to the HP series, presumably because I didn’t want it to end, but more accurately, because I had been waiting so long for it to come out in paperback that I forgot about it!

While it appears to be a very thick, very long book, I sped through it in an evening and a half. Like the HP books before it, once I started, it was hard to put down. A great story and a nice conclusion to the series.

There are no words…

Today I found out that one of my very best friends, Red, died of an overdose while in Italy.  Of what, I don’t yet know.  I got the news via a rushed text message from her (estranged) husband who was about to board a plane to go bring her home.  I was able to talk to him for less than two minutes before he had to get off the phone.  I don’t know all the details, only that I refuse to believe this was intentional. 

She was in Italy, on her dream vacation, as a way to cope with spending her first holiday seperated from her son.  She had been posting happy updates to facebook chronicling her adventures in Tuscany and then Florence. 

And now she’s gone??  I can’t fucking believe it.

I am in shock.  I am confused.  I am pissed.  And I am heartbroken. 

I keep hoping and praying that her husband will call me when he gets there to tell me that it was all a big misunderstanding and that she is fine.  I don’t want this to be true.

Just calling it like I see it.

So, I didn’t send that email, but after not hearing from him in almost a week and him not responding anymore, I saw him online today,.  I ended up sending a him a message.  Since clearly he wasn’t going to contact me and I am tired of playing the waiting game.

So I IM’d him and said that although he told me not to feel like I was bugging him, that I couldn’t help but feel that I WAS.  And that it seemed like if I didn’t call or message him, I never heard from him.  So that I was going to just back off and leave him alone.  He responded and said he would just have to call and message me then.  No, that’s ok, I told him.  If he wanted to, he would’ve already been doing that.  Then he disappeared from the IM window.  Not sure if it was accidental or on purpose, but either way.

I followed up with an email and just said that I hoped I didn’t sound rude earlier, that I wasn’t mad or anything, but that, ever since I went down to Beaumont to see him, he has been completely different towards me.  And very distant.  I wrote that I think he has had a change of heart and just didn’t want to hurt my feelings.  So I would let him off the hook.  No worries, and that we are still friends as far as I’m concerned.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, but I meant it when I said I was not going to play games.  I said what I needed to say so that I could retain an ounce of self-respect rather than throwing myself at some guy who clearly is just not that into me.

Yeah, it stings a little.  Even though I don’t have any illusions that he would’ve been THE guy.  I couldn’t picture us together long-term, but I was willing to deal with the distance to find out.  The worst part is to have had some semblance of hope restored only to be snuffed back out.

Twitter Weekly: 2009-11-20

  • thinks sometimes it’s best to let the past stay in the past. #
  • Today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday. #
  • Please don’t tell me perhaps, perhaps, perhaps… #
  • Time to call in reinforcements….Maid Brigade is coming today!! 😀 #
  • cross your fingers…trying to get new inspection! #
  • “Let me rest gently on your pecs!” #
  • Two good days in a row would be too much to ask for, I suppose. #
  • A professional, conservative woman just confessed to me she is a HUGE Twilight fan. And got a tattoo to prove it. That is so wrong. #
  • TGIF! Even if it is raining. Perfect night for staying in and watching movies. Yeah, I’m old. #

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It’s sad that it takes a book for us to realize this!

Be Honest: You're Not That into Him Either - Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve Be Honest: You’re Not That into Him Either – Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve by Ian Kerner

My review: 4 of 5 stars
Any guy who writes a book titled, “She Comes First,” must know what he’s talking about, and that appears to be the case here. It’s kind of sad to admit that a lot of what Kerner discusses in this book is spot on. We have lowered our standards. We do tend to settle for the “in the meantime,” rather than be alone.

Some takeaway quotes:
– What is the point of dating someone if he doesn’t make you feel great?
– What is the point of casual sex if the sex part isn’t any good?
– Dating “in the meantime” is wasted time. Someday is right now. Life is too precious to get stuck in an endless cycle of meantimers who will never, ever wind up with you in the here and now.

New Moon

New Moon (Twilight, #2) New Moon by Stephenie Meyer

My rating: 2 of 5 stars
I read this in a few hours last night. I liked it better than the first one, which I wasn’t very impressed with. These stories would be so much better if Meyer would ever get below the surface…her characters just come across as very one-dimensional to me. It was a fun quick read, but, perhaps due to all the hype, I was expecting more and just keep finding myself disappointed.

Twitter Weekly: 2009-11-06

  • Dusting this one off from the archives: “You teach people how to treat you.” #
  • Audit presentation for legal went well, even got a kudos from the boss. But now I have a headache T———-H——–I———S big. #
  • @tedforbes it’s very disorienting…i hate it. in reply to tedforbes #
  • @BoredDoe Crazy is too kind a word for some of my co-workers. in reply to BoredDoe #
  • I thought it was at least midnight by now. Even Loki thinks it’s bedtime already! #
  • Has 1 less debt to pay off! Hooray for progress!! #
  • i am once again master of my domain…or at least my fios box! #
  • afternoon off = dr, cleaners, film, eyebrows, and a pedicure! #
  • My doc thinks i must’ve grown a 3rd lung to be able to keep passing these tests as much as i smoke! #

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If you are this full of yourself, no wonder you’re still single!

The Single Girl's Survival Guide: Secrets for Today's Savvy, Sexy, and Independent Woman The Single Girl’s Survival Guide: Secrets for Today’s Savvy, Sexy, and Independent Woman by Imogen Lloyd Webber

My rating: 1 of 5 stars
It’s books like these that continue to propagate the game-playing aspect so prevalent in the dating scene. Here’s a novel idea: if you like someone, let them know. If you don’t, do likewise. Why does everything have to be so cat-and-mouse and underhanded? I’ll be single forever if I have to stoop to Webber’s methods of finding a significant other.

I was better off being ambivalent.

Aside from the tiniest flicker of hope in the back of my mind, I think I’d all but given up on the idea of finding someone to spend my life with.  I’ve been focusing more on trying to take care of myself and making myself happy.  And then this funny, country boy voice from the past made itself known to me via facebook, instant messaging, and then phone calls.  And that made me wonder if certain feelings could have possibly survived the 15-20 years it’s been since he and I shared…time.  We never really dated, but we wanted to.  our timing was off, I was too young, he was one of my brother’s best friends, etc.  We flirted, we exchanged letters, he wrote me poems, we kissed, but never any more than that.  We forged a friendship that endured his marraige and divorce, dating others, hanging out, but always walking a fine line.

Now we’re old enough to make our own decisions and 5 years apart in age isn’t the gap it used to be.  And I decided the drive back to my former hometown for a weekend visit was worth it to find out what, if anything, I might find.  Although I’ve talked myself both sides up and down the situation, I couldn’t help but be happy to see how he still makes me laugh, and how I still have a definite attraction to him.  I thought the feeling was mutual, but now that I am back home in Dallas, I’m not so sure.  I’ve tried to imagine a future with him…sometimes I can, sometimes I can’t.  Just the fact that I’ve thought about it is scary.

He told me he knew “without a doubt we would be good together.”  But now things just feel so…silent.  Maybe I need too much reassurance, but honestly, I’d just like to know where things stand.  He says he’s very interested in seeing where this goes, but I’m not sure if his actions agree with that statement.  He works…a lot.  So I know that when he does have a couple of waking hours off, he has more on his mind than just me (if me at all).  

I don’t know.  I think I opened the door to hope and possibilities a little too quickly.  Perhaps I need to force it closed again.  Uncertainty is a bitch.

It’s nothing like you see on tv.

Alrighty.  Where was I?  Duckie and Forensics were both on their way to my house…

And they both showed up at almost the same time.  The forensics lady walked in with her kit and started dusting for prints and taking pictures of everything.  Duckie and I stood outside for a minute while she was in the living room, then we went in and started looking around.

Clearly, my TV was gone.  There was no doubt about that.  It would be hard to misplace 56” of Samsung glory.  I didn’t really notice anything else missing.  The cabinet doors to the tv cabinet were all open, but there hadn’t been anything much in them to begin with.  My Pee Wee Herman dvds were still there.  😛

After forensics was done in my office, Duckie and I went in there so I could start looking in my files for serial numbers for the tv and computer.  It was such a mess in there already that it was hard to be sure what had been moved and what hadn’t.  I knew my BAMF camera, Samuel L, had been sitting on the desk in front of my monitor when I left that morning.  Earlier, when I discovered that the computer and monitor were gone, I automatically KNEW Samuel L was, too.  While Duckie and I were looking around the room, I noticed the burglars had shoved a bunch of stuff over on my desk, presumably to get the monitor off easier.  I was in complete and utter SHOCK to see my camera shoved to the side with all the other clutter.  THEY DIDN’T TAKE MY BABY!!!  It was a Christmas miracle!  In September.

I had to move some things out of the way on the floor to get to my files.  When I did, I saw a small black rectangle on the floor.  Again, being the crime-show-watching-fool that I am, I didn’t dare touch it.  Instead, I flipped it over with the end of a piece of paper.  It was the USB part of my wireless mouse and keyboard…which was normally inserted into the front of the computer.  Immediately Duckie and I became all excited, knowing that they had to have touched it to pull it out of the computer!  We got the forensics lady to come back in and dust it, but she didn’t seem the slightest bit convinced that she’d find anything.

Apparently she didn’t.  Not there.  Not on the doors, or closets, or any other place that she dusted.  If she did, she didn’t say so, and we never saw her lifting any prints either….assuming we would recognize that if we saw it.  She left shortly afterwards.

I had told the officer about my comings and goings that day…what time I left the house and what time I returned home.  And that there was a tree-cutting truck parked behind my house that morning.  And about the 3 guys that were standing around outside of it.  And that I had to ask them to move when, 30 minutes later, they were still standing around doing nothing and blocking my driveway.  And about the fact that I never leave Loki in his crate while I’m gone…he’s almost always outside in the back yard.  I gave her a description of the truck guys as best I could, but it was pretty generic. 

She got all my information and said a detective would be contacting me within the next day or two.  She said “this area has been getting hit pretty hard lately.  But we’re doing the best we can.”  She told me my best bet was if I could find the serial numbers and hope that the burglars tried to pawn something.  Then she left.  Duckie and I were both pretty disappointed that they didn’t do more.  I was expecting them to take MY fingerprints for comparison.  And to have dusted some of the other items that had clearly been touched.  And to go talk to my neighbors to see if anyone saw or heard anything.  But they didn’t.

Throughout this whole time, my cell phone had been ringing off the wall.  I guess Mom had the best intentions when she posted about my plight on facebook, but I was really not in any position or state of mind to be answering calls from everyone I know checking to see if I was alright.  THANK YOU, all, though for your concern!

Once the police were all gone, another neighbor came over to check on me and find out what happened.  I finally answered a call from my brother, Red Baron, and filled him in on what was happening.  And mostly just tried to calm down.  Duckie kept saying, “It’s just stuff.  At least you’re ok.  The house is fine.  Everything else can be replaced.”  I knew he was right, but I couldn’t stop crying.  Mostly I was just extremely PISSED off (and like my mother, I cry when I’m mad).  I was just so upset that my HOME, the one place where I feel completely comfortable, had been violated.  It didn’t feel like “home” at all anymore. 

Duckie and I started inspecting the back door and pretty much determined that it had been kicked in, near the doorknob.  There was about a 2 foot long split in the wood on the inside frame of the door below that.  He managed to get the door to stay closed with the deadbolt locked.  So at least I could close the house up.  When he got ready to leave, he said I could come stay at his house that night, but I wanted to go through the house more and start trying to clean up the mess.  I was trying to convince myself that I would sleep there, that these fools weren’t going to run me out of my house.  And I figured that, later, if I felt uncomfortable, I’d give V a call, since she lives close by, and see if I could crash at her house.

So Duckie left and I began the process of going through the house and checking to see if anything else was missing.  I started in the office, mainly because I was still trying to find serial numbers.  I cleared off a spot on my desk and started sorting through papers.  I had my work laptop with me and luckily my internet modem was still there and functioning, so I was able to get online and let everyone know I was ok.  And to distract myself from reality for a little while! 

As it started getting dark outside, I started getting less and less comfortable being there.  I had let Loki out and had a minor anxiety attack when I went to open the back door to let him back inside.  Shortly after that, I got a text from Jen, offering me and Loki a room at her hotel.  Apparently she had sent it earlier but to the wrong person.  So I decided I would go ahead and do that.  As I was getting a few things together to take with me, I noticed that one of my small, older digital cameras (aka the little green machine) wasn’t sitting on the shelf of my desk where it normally would be.  I checked all around and couldn’t find it anywhere.  That immediately made me think of my other small (and NEW) camera, Ruby, that was in one of my purses that I had just switched from.  I ran into the living room and found the purse in the chair…empty.  Bastards.  Add two digital cameras to the list.

By this point, around 11pm, I was in almost panic mode trying to get out of the house.  I grabbed my bag and Loki, got in the car, and headed to the hotel…

This used to be a funhouse. Not it’s full of evil clowns.

I finally have a new computer, so I figured now was as good a time as any to fill in some gaps on my blog. 

Most recently, I came home from work to find my home had been burglarized.  Not a good feeling, to say the least.  Since my garage remote has been working intermittently, I have been coming in through my back door.  Last Wednesday, having just gotten home from work and receiving some Netflix dvds in the mail, I was looking forward to coming in, kicking back, and watching one of those movies.

When I went to put the key in the lock of my door, I realized the door was not shut all the way.  Me being the absent-minded fool I have been of late, am racking my brain thinking, “Oh crap.  Did I leave the door open this morning?”  I pushed the door open with one fingertip and immediately saw the brass plate from around the door latch laying on the floor.  To the right of that, Loki was peering up at me from inside his crate with, what I then took to be a guilty expression.  Again, my addled brain is trying to figure out just how in the hell Loki managed to tear up the door from INSIDE his crate.  It was less than a second later that I looked up from Loki to see a big blank wall where my darling 56” Samsung DLP HDTV had previously been.  This is just too much for my mind to process.  Now I’m wondering if, for some unknown reason, perhaps one of my brothers had borrowed my tv for the day.  I know, it makes no sense, but these are the thoughts that flashed in my mind that evening.

While talking loudly to myself (and perhaps, subconsciously, to let anyone who might be in my house hear me), I began to walk towards the hallway to inspect the rest of the house.  The hall closets are both open and contents are spilling out onto the floor.  My guest room door is also open.  As I walk past, I glance into my office and find it to be a cluttered mess…although, it looked like that when I left the house that morning! 

In the guest room, I see the mattress shoved off the bed, the sheets and comforter pulled back, the closet door open, and items scattered all over the floor.  The small 19” tv and dvd player are still there.  I have yet to make sense of all of this.

Then I turn towards my bedroom and see every drawer on my dresser pulled open and items pulled out of the drawers in disarray.  Here, I also find the mattress shoved off and the bedding pulled back.  The light is on in my closet and I turn to take a look.  The door is open, my shoe rack that hangs over the door is falling apart, shoes are scattered everywhere.  I walk into the closet and find stored purses all over the floor, clothes shoved to the sides of the rods.

It is not until this point that my brain finally clicks and I realize someone has broken into my house!  I ran back into the living room and grabbed the phone to call the police.  No dial tone.  My mind is firing on all cylinders now and I immediately realize, if my Vonage phone line is not working, my computer is probably gone also.  So I run back into my office to look more closely.  Sure enough, no monitor and no computer. 

I ended up calling the police from my cell phone.  I held it together just long enough to give them my address and confirm that they were sending someone over.  Then I called my parents.  By the time Mom answered the phone, I was a babbling, hysterical mess.  I had to repeat myself a few times before she was able to make any sense of what I was saying.  I think she said she was going to try and get ahold of my brothers that live near me.  I hung up the phone with her and walked over to one of my neighbors’ houses to see if they had seen or heard anything.  No one answered.  So then I called another neighbor that lives a couple of houses down.  He came over and said he had not seen or heard anything other than the tree-trimming truck that had been in the alley that morning.

My oldest brother, Dilbert, called about that time.  He said he was in Austin, otherwise he would be on his way.  But that he had talked to Duckie, who was half-way home from work and turned around and was currently on his way to my house.

A policewoman showed up shortly after that.  I had to walk her through the house and explain what was missing, what had been moved, etc.  Being the good little crime-show-watching girl that I am, I hadn’t touched anything.  Not even a lightswitch to turn on the lights (I later learned that they are rarely able to get a good print off a lightswitch).  My house was such a cluttered mess already, it was a little embarrassing to have to explain that, “Oh, no, that pile of clothes was already there on the floor.”  But, we got through it.

I explained to her about the Asplundh truck that had been sitting behind my house that morning.  And how I thought it was odd that they were just sitting there for at least 30 minutes not doing anything.  And that I had to wave them down to ask them to move so I could get out of my driveway to go to work.  I also explained that I NEVER leave Loki inside in his crate.  Normally he’s in the backyard, but on this particular day, when I was about to leave for work, Loki went and laid down in his crate.  I didn’t have time to argue, so I figured he wanted to stay in, so I let him.

The forensics person and my brother were now both en route…Stay tuned for:  It’s nothing like you see on tv.

Twitter Weekly: 2009-10-09

  • Happy birthday to Loki the wondermutt! He survived his first year!! #
  • Starting Napoleon’s Privates by Tony Perrottet #
  • is thankful for my family for coming to help me take care of the aftermath! They’re the greatest! #
  • testing Loki out of his crate tonight. wish us luck! #
  • On page 118 of 224 of Napoleon’s Privates by Tony Perrottet #
  • Over a week later, a detective finally called me this morning. Like anyone is going to remember anything unusual now. #
  • thinks it must be against the laws of the universe for me to be anywhere on time. Forget early. #
  • This used to be a funhouse. Now it’s full of evil clowns. #

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