Category Archives: The Single Life

So I sent that email…

Well, sort of.  I sent an amended version of it based on the conversation I had with T last night.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  First, about the phone call. 

It was a little superficial at first.  Then he mentioned that I could keep the cd he loaned me, so I’m thinking, ok, that definitely means he doesn’t have any plans of us seeing each other anymore.  So I tell him, I’ve already made a copy (noooo!  I would never do that!) and will mail it to him if he wants.  Then he’s all, no, that’s silly…which leads to more discussion about our situation.  He still talks out of both sides of his mouth a little bit, which I could easily read things into.  But I’m not.  I’m taking it at face value.  He’s just not into me (stupid book).  We both like each other as people.  Period.  Dot.  End of sentence. 

We talked about the friendship thing and he said he does want to be friends, but he’s afraid he is going to feel bad every time he looks in my eyes now because he hurt my feelings.  Well, he did.  But I’m a big girl and understand you can’t force something if it isn’t there.  So today, I altered the dreaded draft email to address some of the things we talked about.  And basically just left it as I think you’re a good person, I’d like for us to be friends, I don’t know if we can agree on what that means, and if it’s uncomfortable just say so and let’s be done with it.  And then I hit the Send button.

I figure one of several things will happen now:

  1. He’ll be annoyed by it and not respond.
  2. He’ll feel uncomfortable about the whole situation and not respond.
  3. Some other variation of not responding.
  4. He’ll feel uncomfortable about it and respond to tell me it’s too awkward for us now.
  5. He’ll respond and tell me he just wants hot sex on occasion.
  6. He’ll respond and tell me he wants to be friends and have hot sex.
  7. He’ll respond and tell me he wants to redefine our friendship.

Feel free to add your input or other possible outcomes.  😛

Oh, and my Stars had to go and lose to the damn Canucks last night.  Pheh!

On a brighter note, they are giving away tons of free tickets to the next few home games (still trying to win those fans back).  A friend of mine that I don’t get to see as often as I’d like (the girl who helped me drink too much wine at my open house…I’ll call her Red) won platinum seats to this Thursday’s game and invited me to go with her.  Since that wasn’t one of my season ticket games (I share my seat with another lady), I jumped at the chance.  Should be good times.

And the following week, yours truly won platinum seats to the game against the Sharks.  Yay!

Dammit.

Spent the last hour talking to T.  It was really nice to hear from him.  I do want to be his friend, I really do.  He really is a nice guy.  If only he wasn’t so freaking hot. 

Ok, in my wine-infused drunkedness, I will refrain from typing any more and will now go watch my Stars play their final game of the roadtrip against the  Canucks.  I could watch Mikey take faceoffs allllll niiiiiight looooong. 

Season 2…and a completely unexpected engagement!

Got the 1st dvd of the second season of Six Feet Under last week and am just now getting around to watching it, what with hockey back on, my Netflix rentals are taking a backseat. 

I was at that miserable 3-2 loss to the Avs on Saturday.  Talk about a BAD time to take a (ridiculously long) penalty.  But it was only the 2nd game.  And good to see the guys defending each other, justified or not.  I’m splitting my seat with a friend’s mom, so will be watching tomorrow night’s game from the comfort of my living room. 

Oh, and now for the jawdropping news I received this weekend:  a hockey friend of mine, let’s call her Miss Hut, is ENGAGED.  To a guy she met online.  Barely a month ago.  I’m trying to think positive for her but….that’s just a little creepy to me.  They’ve spent every spare minute together since they met, which is, well, weird to me.  I mean, people talk about wanting to spend every waking moment together but they don’t actually do it.  Do they?? 

I should also add that Miss Hut has never even had a serious boyfriend before.  She’s a few years older than me, so she should be able to take care of herself.  However, she’s also got some issues that she has been working on.  The most obvious being her weight.  She’s lost somewhere in the ballpark of 100 pounds since we all first met.  She still has more to go, but that in itself is bound to inspire a serious boost in confidence.  Anyway, I’m just worried that she might be latching on to the first seemingly good guy to give her the time of day.  I hope I’m wrong but…Sigh.

Ok, time for SFU.  Then hopefully to sleep.  Early meeting tomorrow that I need to prepare for.

Hockey and a missed call

Took my parents to the game tonight against the Blues.  That was certainly a welcome break!  AND we won.   It’s preseason, I know, but still.  One more preseason game at home this Saturday and then the real deal starts next Wednesday!  Can’t wait!!!

After the game I noticed a missed call on my phone.  A call from T.  I haven’t talked to him since our big “discussion.”  And no, I never did send that email.  Never deleted it either.  I think the ball was still in my court to figure out the could we still be friends thing.

Anyway, he left a message.  Saying he was glad to hear my family was all safe and sound.  And to give him a call when I had a chance.  I would’ve called back when I saw the message, but wasn’t too keen on doing so while walking back to the car with my parents after the game.  And by the time I got home, it was too late.  Probably for the best, right?

I’ll call him back sooner or later.  Awhile back, I had offered to take him to his first hockey game next weekend.  I’m sure he’s forgotten about it. 

Now that there’s been some space to let the emotion and disappointment subside, I think we could actually do the friend thing, if we can agree on what that means.  It’s the “benefits” part I’m not sure of.  I’d hate to give that up.  I’m pathetic, I know. 

As for the good news, well, my parents have heard that one of their rent houses has a huge tree through the roof, but their other houses appear to have only minor damage.  Some shingles gone, lots of trees down, but no visible structural damage.  Granted, that’s from the street view of the houses, so the backs could be worse, but we’re thinking positively.  No word on when they will allow people back into Beaumont.  Still sounds like atleast a week.  Probably longer.

Oh, screw it.

It’s MY journal and if I’m thinking something I should be able to write about it.  That’s the whole point of this thing for me, isn’t it?  To record who I am and what I’m feeling today.  To vent.  To get it all out.  To second guess myself.   To rant.  To ramble.  To blathe?  (Sorry…Princess Bride reference).

I’ve always been the type of person who needs to get things out on paper (or computer these days).  Many times, after doing so, I simply hit the delete key and feel better for just having gotten it out of my system.  So, with that in mind, I started drafting an email that I had no intentions of ever sending to T.  Just clearing things up.  Explaining why I thought the things I thought.  And his role in all of that.  And whether or not we can remain friends (which would have to be redefined). 

I did this the other day and it helped a little.  Having been through several edits, it’s not accusatory.  It’s not bitter.  It’s not obnoxious.  It’s not whiney.  It’s not asking him to reconsider.  It’s just honest.  But I couldn’t make myself hit the delete key.  So it’s now lurking in my draft folder.  And I’m thinking to myself,  we were friends before, and could always talk about things.  Why should this have to be any different? 

Send?  Delete?  Send?  Delete?

I think I’ll let it breathe in my draft folder a little while longer.

I hate this cd now.

Stupid freaking T music. 

I wish I could turn off all the crap running through my mind like I can my stereo.  I spent all last night (and I do mean ALL) beating myself up for being so wrong.  I’ve spent most of today beating T up (in my head only of course) for all the things he said and did that totally encouraged me thinking what I thought.

Anyway.  I’m going to shut up about it now.  This will be embarrassing to come back and read later and see that I let myself get all sadbitchymopey about it.  It’s not like I was in love with the guy.  Although, I think, in time, I could’ve been.  Yikes.  So the positive side of this story is that I found out where I stand before it got to that point.

And I don’t really hate the cd.  I still love it.  I’m just being a girl.

Great night with T

We ended up going to a nice little place with a (small, but really good) jazz band.  The food was good, the conversation was great, the music was excellent.  The only negative was the cramped little table we were at by the wall.  I’m really fascinated with T’s background and culture.  I was never good at U.S. history, much less world, but the more I talk to him about where he is from, the more I want to learn.  <dork> I ordered some books about it (with a gift card I already had, of course) on B&N today.  </dork>

We talked about our families, how we were raised, the relationships our parents have, our views on marraige and family and goals in life.  The more I talk to him and learn about him, the more I *gulp* like him.  Danger!  Danger Will Robinson!!

Which leads us to the big question of the night, which took place after dinner.  We sat and talked in the restaurant for another hour or so and then decided to go to a nearby bar for a few drinks.  It was nice out so we walked over there.  I noticed, during our walk, he not only did not try to hold my hand or put his arm around me (he used to), but he had his hands in his pockets.  So, we get to the bar, and after a drink and mindless chatter, amidst the crowd and the live band and the football game on tv, I figure it’s now or never. 

So… I ask him what is it exactly that we are doing?  Are we dating?  Are we just friends?  Are we just friends who have sex occasionally?  What?  And he’s quiet for a few seconds.  Awkward.  I say there is no reason for him to feel pressured or cornered or uncomfortable.  That I genuinely just want an honest answer.  Here’s me paraphrasing the next bit.

T:  We are friends.

Me:  Ok.

T:  No, I mean we are definitely friends.  At the very least.

Me:  Ok.

T:  What do you think?

Me:  I’d agree with that.  At the very least, friends.

T:  I think before, until when you didn’t hear from me for awhile, we were dating.

Me:  And now?

T:  Well did you think that?

Me:  I didn’t initially, when we first started going out.  Like I told you, I didn’t think you wanted that.  But then, for those last several months, we were seeing each other more and more and yes, I felt like we were dating.  Which is why it was so disappointing to just suddenly not hear from you for awhile.

T:  I know.  And I am really sorry about that.  I haven’t told you all of it….

So he begins telling me more of what was going on during those months he was incognito.  Along with some of the other issues, he tells me about how he really thought he was going to have to go back home.  About his frustrations.  About not wanting to have to leave.  And how, because of the situation he is in, he can’t get comfortable here.  He doesn’t know ultimately what will happen.  He wants to stay, but between working to pay his bills and school, he’s struggling with both.  And fears that, at any moment, one little slipup and he’s gone.  And that because of that, he doesn’t know if he should get too close or involved in a serious relationship. 

Part of me, trying to understand the situation he is in, sees his point.  Another part of me thinks this is the whole wants-his-cake-and-eat-it-too speech.   So I ask what is it he would like for me to do.  Because one minute he wants to see me more, and the next, he’s unsure.  He says he does want to see me and talk to me.  That I am the most genuine and real person he’s met here.  “A very decent person,” I believe he said.  Something like that.  Anyway, based on past talks with him, I take it as a very sincere compliment. 

So as the conversation (and my drinks) progress, he mentions how some of his friends here (from where he is from) told him he will never make it through school here.  Never get his citizenship.  Unless…….can you guess what is coming next? 

Marraige.

They told him about women here who will do that for a specified monetary exhange.  And he laughed and seemed surprised by this.  He said, I can barely take care of myself, how am I supposed to take care of a wife and kids.  I told him, in that type of arrangement, I think the only “taking care of” you are expected to do is a monthly payment or something.  And doubt there would be any kids.  So then I’m curious as to just how much thought, if any, he has given this idea.  So we talk and joke about it more. 

Then we get back to talking about what is it he wants out of being here.  Get a degree and go home?  Stay here?  He wants to stay here.  And have the freedom to go home and visit.  Right now, if he does that, he is worried something will happen and he won’t get to come back.  So I tell him all he can do is focus on the things he has control over.  He has to be in school fulltime.  He has to earn enough money to live.  Those are inflexible.  So we talk about different options, jobs, income, etc.  I can tell he is overwhelmed and stressed over these things, and has been for some time.  And he won’t ever ask for help.  So I offer to do some research on student loans, international students, etc and see what I can find.  I work with a lot of people who have been in his position and feel certain they could provide some good information.

He tells me I don’t have to do that.  I say I know that….again, this is what friends, people who care about each other, do.  He again mentions that I am a very decent person.  And laughs and says that if he was going to pay someone to marry him, he’d pay me.

Um.  A joke?  Yes.  I think.  But still.  I’m all speechless and stuff.

Finally I laugh, a little too forced, and say, I’m not going to marry you so you can stay here.  We both had said earlier that it was something we hoped to only do once.  So we better make damn sure we picked the right person in the first place.  He says he knows.  He’s just frustrated.  I say, if you want something bad enough, you’ll find a way to make it work.  Stop worrying about the small stuff and focus on the big picture and the steps you need to take to get there.

So that was pretty much the end of that particular topic of conversation.  I guess I really didn’t get an answer to my question.  And at the same time, I did.

We walked back over to our cars and stood there, leaning against my car and/or each other, and talked for another 30-40 minutes.  About our past relationships.  About our friends.  About life in general.  And whether or not either of us was ready to call it a night.  That led to much kissing (and every nerve ending in my body rejoiced…I swear I could kiss this man for hours).  And then, sex-starved whore that I am said either come to my place or take me to yours.

We opted for mine.  It was closer. 

Yay!  It was a great night.  I miss sex.  Sigh.  Talked a little more afterwards.  I love that he doesn’t just rollover and pass out.  It was a great way to wake up, this morning, too.  I forget how much I miss waking up with someone.  And that groggy-eyed cuddling that leads to wakeup sex.  For me, not a morning person AT ALL, it’s always a pleasant mix of being awake and a really good dream.  And then after awhile he had to leave.  I told him he never really gave me a straight answer.  We’ll talk about it some more later, he said.  A hug, kiss on the cheek, kiss on the forehead, and he headed home, after grabbing my paper for me from the front yard and loaning me a cd of some music I wanted to hear. 

I’m more and less confused about things now than I was before, if that makes sense.  Why do I always like either jerks or guys that are, ultimately, unavailable to me?  I’m thinking more and more that T falls into the latter category. 

SPF & Dinner Dates

Stuff Portrait Friday

Only my second week in to playing and I failed miserably.  I didn’t even attempt to play.  Sorry, football is not my bag, baby.  But I did enjoy seeing everyone else’s pictures.  I’ll have to see what next week’s assignment brings.

I got a call from T a little while ago.  We made plans to go to dinner tomorrow night.  And already, I find myself falling back into old habits.  Having been cheated on, habitually, in my past relationships, I tend to be suspicious.  Of everything.  And second guess everything that is said.  I’ve gotten better at not being (quite) so mental, but I do still find myself remembering the most minute details of conversations.  Then, later, when something is said that varies from that, even slightly, big red flashing sirens start going off in my brain.  That happened earlier, when talking to T.  I should also mention that English is not his first language, so that has lead to misunderstandings in the past.  Adding to the confusion.  Sigh.

I think, should dinner actually happen tomorrow, we will have a conversation about these things.   And about what it is, exactly, that we are doing.  I’ve had no problem with the casualness of our relationship over the past year, but I just want to know where things stand.  He’s said things lately that have made me think it’s not as casual as I have tried to keep it.  But he’s also been, as far as I know, incredibly honest with me about what else he may or may not be doing and likewise from me.  So now, with the warning lights going off, I want to approach the issue now rather than sweep it under a rug until there is a huge pile of crap there to wade through. 
One thing I have learned, and will pass on to all of you out there, is, if you think you are being lied to by your partner (or potential partner), never, and I do mean never, show your hand until you know what s/he is holding.   I’m sure I’ll be criticized by some for saying that, but understand me…I’m not talking about playing head games.  I’m talking about not making or breaking something until you really know the situation.  In most cases, s/he will either set the record straight, or bury themself with lies.  At no point prior to that should you divulge whatever bits of information you know.  Or think you know.  That only shows them the way out, should they be trying to deceive you.  And should you be misguided in your suspicions and tell them about it upfront, it will only make you seem, well…mental.

Damn.  Now I sound like psychocrazybitterbitch.  I’m so not that person (anymore).  Honest. 

Enough of that…what in the crap am I going to wear tomorrow night?  And where should we go for dinner?  These are questions that need answers. 

Truth Time with T

Mondays almost always suck.  Today wasn’t really any different.  Only it didn’t suck as badly as it could have, I guess.  Work was busy.  Still have work that I have to finish up tonight. 

I got home around 7 and have been sitting here going through the mail, looking at a magazine, and listening to the cd T loaned me.  I wish it had the case to go with it (although I’m certain I wouldn’t be able to read any of it) just so I’d know who it was or to try and read along with the lyrics or something.  Again, I’d have no idea what they were saying, but still.  I really like this music.  Definitely not going to make a copy of it.  That would be wrong.  😉

Hopefully things will work out so that I can take Thursday off to go to (specific event) with friends that day.  Should be fun if I can swing it.

*** This entry interrupted by a phone call from T ***

Truth Hurts

 

Ok.  It’s now after midnight and I have all my answers.  Three hours of conversation and there will be no happy couple here.  Atleast not with T.  He thinks I am a great person and a wonderful friend.  And really his only friend here that he can hang out with.  I said I am not in the habit of sleeping with my “friends” (well, there were some adventures in my youth, but that’s another story).  He said yeah, maybe that was not so good.  But admittedly, we did have sex the 2nd time we ever saw each other (soooo not like me).  And he thought we were having fun.  And we were.   We were (are) friends and both happened to want sex, so he didn’t see the harm.  Honestly, I didn’t either.  I was convinced I was finally having “casual sex” for the first time in my life.  And handling it quite well.  For awhile.  Until the whole feel of dating came into play and then I had to go and be such a damn girl and start having emotions and shit. 

We both agreed I should’ve asked the question a long time ago (we met a year ago yesterday).  But, until earlier this year, I didn’t think it was an issue.  Until we started going out more.   And doing couple-like things.  Curling up on the couch together.  Holding hands.  All that mushy crap. 

He said he didn’t want to give me false hope (hey Nilla, you were atleast half right!  And I guess I was right about the unavailable part) but that he did not feel that way about me and didn’t think that would change.  Gee…then maybe you should consider NOT saying things like (in response to conversations about my ex) “I would never treat you like that” or “I would never do that to you.”  While putting your arm around me.  Yeah.  You wouldn’t do that to me because you had no plans of ever really dating me.  Hello?!!! 

I feel like such a fucking idiot right now.  But am glad to have an honest answer.  He said he felt bad for making me feel bad and I don’t want him to think that.  I’m glad he was honest finally.  I really am.  Peoples’ actions (or should I say, my interpretation of those actions) don’t always match with reality.  And I read way too much into things I guess.  Although I won’t accept full responsibility for that.  I mean, T did play a role.  He may not have known it, but he certainly gave me enough ammunition to shoot myself in the foot.  Or heart.  Whatever. 

He says he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend.  Doesn’t want me out of the picture.  But that is up to me.  I tell myself we can try to still be friends and I can go back to the mindset I had before…that we are just having fun.  And we do have fun together.  And I actually have remained friends with some of the people I’ve dated in the past (Yes…I KNOW….T and I are NOT dating.  I get it!!!)  That I can forget all the thoughts I’ve had and we can still hang out.  But I don’t know if that is realistic for me. 

My first adventure into the world of casual sex and I failed miserably.  What is most irritating to me is that, this is the first guy I’ve met  that I actually liked since Jackass and I split up five years ago.  Someone please help me wash this big clueless sign off my forehead. 

A sucker for Smashbox

This is what I get for being up late watching tv.  As if I don’t already have a small arsenal of makeup that I rarely wear.  Somebody got paid today.  I just bought this:

I absolutely love their photo finish primer.  I don’t wear foundation.  Ever.  I hate the way it looks and feels on my skin.  But this stuff is like a clear foundation without the weight and the caked-on-look.   And their lip glosses are great, too. 

I had decided to treat myself to a manicure and pedicure Friday afternoon.  I have a gift certificate for a day spa stuck on my fridge that has been collecting dust for the past year.  Apparently you have to make an appointment way in advance.  They can’t fit me in on Friday.  Rats.   So much for that idea.  I guess I could go ahead and schedule something for like 2006. 

Can somebody explain to me how I got on PHE, Inc’s mailing list?!  I swear I get a catalog from them every other week.  If you don’t know who that is, I’m not going to shame myself by explaining.  I guess I must have ordered something(s) from them once upon a time.  *blush*

It just cracks me up that I got a Better Homes and Gardens magazine and that in the mail today. 

Holiday Weekend Over

How sad.  I’m not ready to go back to work.  It’s been so nice being lazy.  And I don’t even feel guilty about it.  Other than a few small projects around the house, I have done absolutely nothing the past 3 days.  In fact, I didn’t even leave the house except for once last night to buy smokes and pick up some Taco Bueno.  I’m not a hermit, really.  I’m just conserving gas.  😛

I talked to T earlier tonight.  I guess we really have been crossing signals or something.  I don’t call him because I don’t want to be annoying.  Plus I know he’s either working or in class all day and night.  He doesn’t call because I don’t call so he thinks I don’t want to talk to him.  He had fun hanging out with my friends but thinks it doesn’t matter if he is there or not because I am having fun with my friends either way.  And that I see them all the time, but him, not so much.  There was a month or so there where we saw each other almost every week.  And I didn’t know what to make of it. 

I told him you are welcome to come out with us anytime.  I would love to see you more often.  But you told me, almost a year ago, you had to focus on work and school and did not have time for a girlfriend.  I’m trying to respect that.  I like spending time with you.  With or without my friends.  All you have to do is ask.  I’m not a freaking mind reader, although some of my old friends were convinced I was psychic.  Or maybe they meant psycho.    Anyway.  So he said he did not remember saying he didn’t have time for a girlfriend.  Whatever.  Maybe he said it because, at the time, we barely knew each other and he wasn’t sure who he was dealing with.  I’m the type of person that, you tell me something like that, I’m not going to argue with you or try to change your mind. 

So he tells me I can call him anytime.  If he is busy, he will call back when he can.  I say likewise.  And invited him to dinner this weekend.  He says he doesn’t think he has any plans and would like that.  The not thinking he has plans thing…um…does that mean he’s waiting to see if a better offer comes along?  Or am I being anal?

Ugh.  When did dating become so complicated? 

Will work for food

Earlier this week, one of my bosses sent out an email to the managers and head of our department about the big project proposal we’ve been working on.  And made it a point to single me out as the person who put it together….and that it can be used as the foundation of a new service/product for us.  Lots of praise basically.   

It was nice to get the public pat on the back.  I’m saving all these things for future reference.  I’ve gotten quite a few of them since starting my new position at the beginning of the year.  Should come in handy when it comes time for my review.  I like to think so atleast.

So anyway, today, my other boss (I have 2 basically) sends me an email thanking me for my efforts.  And tells me to go have dinner with a friend and expense it as a reward.  Cool. 

I’m trying to decide where I’d like to go.  Think I’ll invite T, which means I probably won’t do it this weekend.  He’s supposed to be babysitting his niece as a favor so his brother and sister-in-law can celebrate their anniversary.

Six Feet Under

A friend of mine mentioned this series to me a long time ago as something she thought I would enjoy. However, at the time, I didn’t have HBO. When I finally moved and was able to afford the premium channel, I didn’t want to start midway through it. So I never watched it.

Now, apparently the show has ended. But thanks to the magic of technology, these things are available on dvd. And thanks to the magic of Netflix, they are available at the click of a mouse.So right now, I am starting on season 1. Just finished watching the first episode. I haven’t formed an opinion of it yet. The first dvd has the first three episodes on it, so I’ll probably watch the next two tonight.

T called me earlier. That made me smile.

I’m not ready to go back to work tomorrow. This is the first weekend in a long time that I have done essentially no work (thanks to my internet being out) and it was incredibly nice. Surviving this week should be a breeze though, knowing that there’s a holiday weekend coming up next. Hooray for that.

Happy hour with T

Guess the folks at Comcast have gotten their act together. My internet is back up and running consistently now.

So Friday was fun. Had plans to stay in, but a late call from T prompted me to go out and meet him for drinks. Some friends of mine were still at happy hour (that I had previously planned to skip) so we decided to meet there.

Before I go any further with this story, it’s important to point out that, the night before, I’d gotten a few messages from P. Asking why I was not responding, why am I not interested in him anymore, etc. So rather than tell him it’s because he’s a slimey jerk with less than adequate equipment, I decide to take the easy way out and just tell him that I’m dating someone now (even though that’s not exactly the case)

.Ok, so back to Friday. T & I show up to the happy hour location and are saying hello to everyone (he’s met most of these people before) and lo and behold, who happens to be sitting with the group. Yep, you guessed it. P and one of his buddies. That couldn’t have worked out any better. I was just grinning from ear to ear. And of course, the fact that T kept putting his arm around me and stuff didn’t hurt. Although, that would’ve happened whether P was there or not. But it was just cool how that worked out. So maybe now P will stop with the ridiculous messages offering his “services.”

I had a lot of fun hanging out with T, and he and my friends got along great. I just hate not knowing where I stand with him. When we first met (almost a year ago now) he said he didn’t have time for a girlfriend right now….between work, school, whatever. Which was fine with me. Because at the time, I just thought he was incredibly hot and wanted to jump his bones (I won’t even go into detail on how long it had been since I’d even kissed a guy at that point). But as we went out more, and got to know each other better, I really like him. And we’ve talked about “us” somewhat.

I just can’t read him AT ALL and that frustrates me. One minute, he’s acting like we’re a couple, the next, friends. Case in point, we were dancing and being incredibly physical (touching, holding hands, hugs, arms around each other, etc) for most of the night. Then, when we are leaving, I get a….peck on the cheek? What the hell is that all about? But then I talked to him the next day and he just said he drank too much, was tired, and needed to get home. Maybe so. I don’t know.I’ll have to bring it up the next time we talk.

Maybe I’m just suffering the effects of low self-esteem right now and should stop trying to pick everything apart. We had fun together. That I know. And I’m glad we went out. He’s a fun guy. Even if we are just friends.Ugh. Ok, shutting up now.

Sweet dreams are made of this.

My eyes are literally rolling back into my head right now. This is a very good thing. It’s a little after 11pm and I think I could actually fall asleep right now. Maybe this is the first step towards getting back on some sort of regular sleep pattern.

I got an unexpected call tonight. From T. Haven’t talked to him in awhile. He’s a pretty good guy. A little too unpredictable. And likely too young for me. But mostly, he’s very sweet and funny. He’s got an interesting background. Oh yeah, and he’s hot. Not to mention an incredibly good lay. Is that wrong of me to point that out? Nah, it’s true. And the fact that we get along so well and are actually friends (although apparently friends that can go a month or more without talking) doesn’t hurt. Maybe we’ll meet up for dinner this week.

Is it really so strange?

I can’t decide. I’ve been in this situation before (twice actually) and it turned out badly.

Sometimes, because of circumstances, you think you know someone better than you really do. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in your idea of who that someone is. And sometimes, you’re really just longing for more, so the attention and friendship seems that much better. And sometimes (more often than not), you should just stop thinking about things too much and take it for what it is. Que sera, sera.

Moving on…I’m doing pretty well with the tracking expenses so far, but that could be simply because I haven’t been anywhere for it to be an issue yet. Work. Home. Repeat.

Yesterday: $3.49 for lunch
Today: $4.79 for lunch

Now I’m off to sleepyland, earlier than normal, but with good reason. It’s been a hell of a week so far and there are still 2 more work days to go.

Let’s get it started.

Gone are the ways of the paper journal. And good riddance, I say. I was never good at keeping mine current. Months would pass and there I was, trying to recapture all the events, thoughts, and feelings of everything that had happened since I last wrote. It ended up being a hodgepodge of haphazard drivel.

I’m online a lot. I type faster than I can think most days. So this makes for a good outlet for me. A natural progression of things, even if I am a few years behind in taking advantage of this technology.So here’s a start, and we’ll see how it goes. I won’t even attempt to catch up on my life thus far. So I’ll just jump right in as of today.

I’m a 30-something single who hasn’t had a real date in months. And by “real,” I mean something other than veiled attempts at the infamous booty call from a certain someone I’ll call P. It’s sad that, for awhile there, I was so craving male affection that I would often accept such a call from him. Initially, it was fun. Exciting even. If the payoff had been better, I’d be tempted to continue, but sadly, it was not. And in the long run, really, what’s the point? So I’ve been a good girl and dodged that particular situation for atleast a couple of months. And have no plans of returning there. Atleast not with HIM.

Trying to find a budget I can stick to has been a challenge. I’m constantly recalculating and crunching numbers to make it work. I’m terribly bad at impulse shopping. I see it, I want it, I buy it. Not a good plan. Especially when I have some bigger and better purchases to plan for. Not to mention the fact that it certainly isn’t helping me get out of debt any sooner. So, starting tomorrow, I will write down every single expense. Every pack of gum picked up while paying for gas, every cup of coffee from the machine at work, every drink bought when out with friends. Everything. Down to the last cent. I’m told that if I do this, even for just a week, I will be shocked and amazed at how much money I’m throwing away.