Category Archives: The Single Life

Showing how funky and strong is your fight

Happy hour last night was a blast! Obnoxious, crazy, drunken, yes. But fun nonetheless. There was sushi, cheap cheap drinks, crying, dolphins, cherry passing, dousings, moonwalking, Cafe Brazil, 3 people in my bed at 3am (a gay man and a married woman….lol), a drive across town at 4am, coffee and Whataburger at 5am. What could ever top that??

I have strange bruises all over me, and am running on about 3 hours of sleep. After Mexigoalie gets done with his game tonight, we’re making the hour and a half drive out to Dilbert’s. Duckie and my niece headed out there earlier today, so we’ll get to see the new house all moved in and visit with my family for a day. Should be good times.

Guess I’ll sleep tomorrow night.

The Break Up

I watched The Break Up tonight. Let me first say this, it is NOT a comedy, contrary to what the previews would have you believe. I think we’ve all seen enough people go through this, or gone through it ourselves, to not find much pleasure in watching some fictional on-screen characters fight their way through. (I’m contradicting myself a bit here because Breaking Up, with Salma Hayek and Russell Crowe, is one of my favorite movies…for the simple fact that I so strongly identified with that couple at that point in my life)

I will say, without giving too much away for anyone who hasn’t seen The Break Up but would like to, I was relieved that it didn’t go for the obvious happily-ever-after ending.

A (former) friend of mine, who was great at producing little nuggets of wisdom and quotes, taught me a number of things at a time in my life when I was willing to accept them. One of which was, you teach people how to treat you. And another, a woman’s heart slams shut. When we’re done, we are just done and no amount of talking or flowers or romantic gestures is going to change that. Granted, it may take some of us a loooong time to reach that point, but once we do, there is no turning back.

The peculiar thing to me is why some of us (both men and women) have a tendency to stay in a relationship that has soured. There’s the convenience factor, sure. And fear of being on your own again. But honestly, why should any of us settle for anything less than someone who loves and respects us as much as we do them?

After a cumulative 13 years of unhealthy, one-sided relationships, that is what I’m holding out for. Even if it means another 6 years of being single! And if it doesn’t happen, at least I’ve learned how to be happy on my own. I may forget that at times, but it is probably one of the most valuable lessons you can learn in life.

DisneyWorld: Animal Kingdom

Wednesday afternoon began my vacation. And I woke up with a sore throat and chest. Determined not to let that stop me, I headed off to Animal Kingdom by 11:30am. I’d found out they had the “Extra Magic Hours” that evening, so instead of closing at 6pm, they’d be open until 9.

After a frustrating experience with the FastPass line (all the machines quit working!) I ended up just standing in the regular line for the Kilimnajaro Safaris, since that would still end before 6 due to the lack of daylight. Almost an hour in line, but the safari was fun. It was quite a challenge to try and take pictures and watch for animals all while moving along on a very bouncy vehicle!

I walked through the Pangani Forest Expedition Trail and saw gorillas carrying sticks, watched hippos underwater, saw lots of birds.

Then, for some brilliant reason, I skipped Rafiki’s Planet Watch, where they have more animals and a petting area. I guess I was thinking I had until 9pm for that. Not the case. So I missed that whole area completely.

I walked over to “Asia” and went through the Maharajah Jungle Trek. That was a really pretty area with lots of “ancient” ruins providing the backdrop for Komodo dragons, tigers, bats, and more.

Then I headed over to Expedition Everest. I found a single riders line and stood in it. Within 20 minutes, I was on the ride and seated next to Really Cute Guy who was wearing, of all things, a SMITHS tshirt!! He was a youngin’ though. Anyway, this ride cracked me up. It wasn’t a big scary coaster, but it was entertaining! The giant yeti tearing up the track and then leaping out at us was just fun.

AnimalKingdom 143

Let’s see….then I went to DinoLand and wandered around a bit before going on the DINOSAUR ride. Again, not a big scary coaster, but very fun. It was indoors and the concept was that you were taking a time rover back to the time of dinosaurs. And one of the scientists has decided to send us to right before the asteroid/meteor thing that wiped them out so we could bring one back with us. So of course, we are being bombarded by asteroid (laser) lights and such and frightened by dinosaurs, the last of which appeared out of the darkness and ROOOAAARRED at us. Loudly! Fun stuff.

By the time that was over, it was dark and the normal park hours were ending. I assumed the extra hours applied to everything, but they don’t. I walked over to Camp Minnie-Mickey and it was all shut down already. This is where the Festival of the Lion King show was, so I missed seeing that, too. I found out later that apparently they did run the shows again later. Wish they’d be clearer about that stuff.

I also missed the up-close walk around the Tree of Life, which I was obsessed with. All the way around the park, I kept taking pictures of it. By the way, this was not the best time to try and learn all about my new camera. I’m seriously bummed about some of the pictures I’ve taken and haven’t had a chance to go back and read up on some of the settings. Trial by fire and stuff.

Anyway, it was dark out and chilly and I wasn’t feeling so hot by this point, so I headed to the buses to catch my ride back to the hotel.

Today I had plans to get to Magic Kingdom early, but woke up feeling like utter crap. Horrible cough, head and chest congestion, and overall just bleh-feeling. So I’ve been taken all my meds and trying to force myself to feel better. The tickets have already been paid for, so laying in bed is not really an option at this point.

Why did I agree to this?

I’ve been promising to do a happy hour on “this side” of town for awhile now for me and some of my nearby friends.  Some of which have still yet to see my “new” house, which I’ve been in for almost 2 years now.  So I agreed to host a happy hour tomorrow at my house.

My house is a WRECK.  I like to blame the 14-hour days I’ve been working, but it was a mess before that, too.  It’s just REALLY bad right now.  I should be running around cleaning, but I’m not.  I’ll try to leave work a little early tomorrow so I can come home and run the vacuum and swiffer the wood floors at least.  I predict everything else will get stuffed in a drawer or closet.

This isn’t the “usual” happy hour bunch.  It’s a few blunt, no BS, call-it-like-they-see it women.  Which is just part of what makes them fun.  I invited a few others, including Mexigoalie, Nala, and Rockstar.  And Curly.  So I get a message from him today indicating he might be a little late and leave a little early because of some messages 2 of these women have been sending him, in jest, but still.  Apparently they are trying to get him to “hook up” with one of them, who is in a long-term relationship.  And they flirt endlessly with him.  And he is sooo uncomfortable about it because A) they are both married in one sense or another and B) he’s not interested.  Of course, he’s too nice to just SAY that to them.

So, he asked if I would invite Mr & Mrs Dubya, too.  Since I’m pretty sure they aren’t going to the other happy hour thing in Ft Worth….which might as well be New Mexico it’s so far away!  Mrs Dubya is pregnant.  And half the group that will be here smokes.  Which means, out of respect for her and the baby, we’ll go outside to smoke.  I know it’s petty for me to say, but it is HOT outside and I still haven’t gotten an umbrella for my patio furniture.  Not sure if they are coming or not yet.  Anyway, the point is, it should definitely be an interesting mix of people.  I’m hoping for a drama-free night…we’ll see.

Oh.  And I get to go to Miss Hut’s bridal shower at 11am on Saturday.  I don’t get up by 11am on a normal Saturday, much less after having people over the night before.  I’ll have to set about 5 alarms to make sure I’m up early enough to run by Target and pick something up from her registry.

I finally finished the last season of QAF last weekend, too.  It rocked.  I cried.  I’ll miss those silly queers.

Anyway, nothing exciting or interesting to blog about….just checking in.  I’m still alive, but just barely. 

Mama’s got a brand new bag!

In defiance of the ridiculous hours I’ve put in this week, I took the afternoon off today.  Well, I took a couple of hours off and then came home and worked some more.  That customer issue from Monday is still ongoing and the lady behind it is making serious waves.  I think a discussion with my boss is in order because she is expecting things that we cannot, and have never claimed to be able to deliver. 

Anyway, so this afternoon I got to treat myself to a manicure and pedicure at the Red Door Spa.  I don’t think I would ever in my life spend that kind of money to do it again, but since this was a secret shopper thing, I’ll be reimbursed, so it was basically free.  Except for the time it took to fill out their survey online when I got home.  And the 4-5 weeks it will take to get repaid.

It was nice though.  I got their Sea Spa pedicure, complete with a tingly peppermint mask on my feet.  And a pretty dark burgandy color for my toenails that, after the first coat looked frighteningly hot pink.  But luckily the second coat cured that.

The lady talked a little too much for my liking….I just want to relax, not carry on a conversation.  She talked me into a french manicure for my fingernails.  I’ve never had one and since my nails are actually all relatively long right now, I agreed to it.  I’m not sure I like it though.  I just don’t see myself as a french manicure kind of girl.

I stopped by Kohls, too, and picked up a few of their little patio table things that were on clearance.  And….not one, but TWO new purses.  The most amazing part, however, is that I didn’t buy any shoes.  I didn’t even bother to look. 

I desperately need some time away from the computer.  I swear my eyeballs feel like they are on fire lately.  Hopefully this weekend I’ll get a real break and can stay away from it for a few days.  Knowing me, that’s highly unlikely.  Not that I won’t get a break but that I’ll stay off the computer.  😛 

About damn time

I had company this weekend, so no time to blog.  Then, thanks to the reliability that is blogdrive, on two seperate occasions I sat down to create an entry and the damn site wouldn’t load.  Grrr.  So now, I’m behind again.  I hate when that happens because my entries turn into a novel-length rambling mess.So Dr Honeydew came back to town last Friday.  All I can say is, “What was I thinking?!”  Why did I even entertain the thought that there might be something more there after feeling just the opposite after our first “meeting”??  I think the whole vacation bliss was in effect in San Diego.  That plus the wine plus the jazz band.  I was putty.

After spending the weekend in intermittent bouts of silence with him,  I can honestly, and with conviction, say that I have ZERO interest in this guy as anything more than a friend.  Don’t get me wrong….we had fun at times.  But mostly, everything we did, I could’ve done by myself and been just as entertained.  I’ve never in my life sat through dinners or lunch that were soooo…..quiet.  For three days, that’s what it felt like.  And after awhile, I gave up on trying to start conversation and amused myself by making up conversations for other people (in my head, of course).  I kept thinking, we talk all the time online or on the phone.  What’s the deal?  But then I realized, most of the time, that’s me talking.  And I’m tired of talking about everything and nothing just to not have to sit there silently and pretend like that is perfectly normal.

I’m being harsh…but only because the more I thought about it, the more annoyed I became.  I’ve gotten myself good and wound up about it now so I’m not being rational or kind.  I’m venting.  Take it as such…..

Mainly I’m annoyed with myself because I went the less confrontational route.  I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but, at least a dozen times I wanted to yell, “Do you have ANYTHING to talk about?!?!”  That coupled with being made to feel like a guest in my own fucking house.  I don’t need you up my ass making dinner together.  Turned into him making dinner.  We’re not a fucking couple.  I don’t need help loading the dishwasher.  And I sure as hell don’t need you standing there staring at me while I do it.  Sure, he’s nice.  Sure, he’s a good friend.  But that’s all we will ever be.  I am not convinced he’s grasped that yet though.   You’d think that since the only times I’m ever physical with him are after lots of drinks and in the dark would be a clue.  But no, according to him, that’s just my true feelings coming out.  In vino veritas, my ass.

We went out to the Wildflower Festival Saturday and I got to see part of Jonny Lang’s show, which was cool.  But it was so freaking hot and there was no shade anywhere near the stage, so we didn’t stay long.  Got semi-dressed up after that and went to dinner and then Humperdinks.  I can’t name one single conversation that we had the entire night…because there wasn’t one.  Just stupid shit like, “how’s your eye?” or “how’s your food?”  I wasn’t miserable or anything, because I can do as Depeche Mode suggests and “Enjoy the Silence.”  But then for him to say what a great time he had with me…..I’m just stunned. 

And what happened that night just reaffirmed everything I have been thinking since the beginning.  Sure, the first time he was here we had a lot more sex.  But what can I say…it had been awhile and I was drunk and horny.  This time, one night.  And that was enough.  I just can’t make myself get into him.  Especially knowing that he thinks we should be together.  He is a decent kisser though.

Oh!  And then Sunday we ended up going to shoot pool  We had a deal that the loser was buying.  And since he had paid for every damn thing all weekend, including stuff for my house (that’s just creepy to me), I was determined to pay for our drinks and pool.  So, while not purposefully losing, I certainly didn’t make any attempt to win either for the first several games.  After being down 3 games to 0, I figured I could redeem myself a little.  Later we were tied at 4 games each and I said we had to play one more because we couldn’t end in a tie.  And what does he do?  He tells the damned waitress to put our tab on his card.  I’m like, NOOOO!  We had a deal.  That pissed me off.  And of course, I ended up losing that game because I was too pissed to shoot the last couple of shots.  He kept saying, “It’s no big deal,” but to me it was. 

Ugh.  I feel guilty just typing this now.  Knowing me, I’ll probably edit it later to tone it down some.  Why do I get so wrapped up in not hurting someone else’s feelings that I completely ignore my own?

Old habits die hard…again.

I’ve managed to completely screw up my sleep cycle again.  For the past 2 weeks, the earliest I’ve gone to bed has been 3am.  Now it’s even worse because, I have not been in to work all week.  Monday I took the day off.  Yesterday and today I sort of worked from home, but mostly slept.

I get in these funks every once in awhile where I just don’t give a damn.  It’s not a good place to be.  I think my vacation triggered this.  It was soooo nice to relax and do things I wanted to do.  Going back to work just reminded me of what I was missing.  There just aren’t enough hours in the day.  Get up.  Go to work.  Come home.  Work some more.  My house is always a mess and I never do anything for ME any more. 

I think, somehow, in my mind, I figure since there aren’t enough hours in the day, I’ll just make the day longer by staying up all night.  So around 11pm I start cleaning or working on the charity hockey game that’s coming up next month or reading or browsing photos or whatever it is that I didn’t do that evening.  And then, I sleep late the next day, get to work late, get home late, and it repeats. 

At this point, I figure just make it through Friday.  Then I’ll have the weekend to try and readjust….and start sleeping in my bed again.  I could probably count on 2 hands the number of nights I’ve slept in my bed this YEAR.  I don’t know how I got into this awful habit or why.  Part of it started when I had a lot more early morning meetings and was afraid I wouldn’t get up in time.  So I’d sleep on the couch, knowing that I wouldn’t sleep as soundly and that I’d be more likely to get up with my alarm.  Problem with that is, since I’ve been doing it for so long, I sleep like a log on the couch now.

I need to learn to detach myself from the laptop (and the tv) and force myself to go to my room at a certain time each night and just STAY THERE until I fall asleep.  So that will be my task for this weekend.  Then let’s see how many consecutive nights I can sleep in my bed. 

Oh yeah.  Dr Honeydew is coming back to Dallas next weekend.  Not sure if I told that story yet or not.  Initially, he asked for a “date” and I went ballastic.  I thought we were past all that.  Apparently our time together in San Diego just re-confirmed to him that there is more between us than I am willing to admit (or so he thinks).  I’ve admitted that San Diego was great.  But I still just don’t see myself thinking of him in that way. 

I’ve talked to my parents about it and they reminded me that it’s not all about looks.  And that, while it is nice to have that attraction, it’s more important to find someone you like and respect as a person.  And to not “burn any bridges.”  My response to that was, “Don’t back me into a corner and I won’t have to!”  When Dr H asked to come to Dallas to take me out, that’s what it felt like he was doing.  Trying to put a label on “us” so that now we’re “dating.”  When I have said over and over that I don’t see a future together in that respect.  I think he hears what he wants to hear and sees what he wants to see. 

I don’t know what to think anymore.  So I told him he can come to Dallas as MY FRIEND.  And if the San Diego-like feeling happens again, we’ll go from there.  But don’t come here expecting it.  He says he doesn’t, but I am not sure I believe him.  I know I’m not helping matters any by being so wishy-washy.  There’s the tiniest part of me that wonders if we could be together that way.  But mostly, I think not.  And I’ve told him that and made it as clear as I know how that I don’t want him to get the wrong impression.

Maybe I’m just making it worse and should’ve never told him about it feeling “different” in California when we spent time together.  I don’t know.  We’ll see how his visit goes.  Less stress this time at least, so it should be fun.

Can men and women really be “just friends”?

So the recent stuff with Dr H and Flirt (and me, too, I guess) has brought this question back in to my mind.  My brother and I used to have this discussion a lot.  I believed it was possible up until my early college years.  Duckie, being a guy, admits that he doesn’t know of any situation in which a guy is just friends with a girl and he doesn’t have some underlying motive.  Or hope.  Or want something from you.

My opinion on it when I was younger was always, of course we can be just friends.  However, in later years, after the first debate with Duckie about it, I see it differently.  Occasionally I think it is possible, but my opinion always comes back around to NO.

I always had a lot of guy friends in school.  And I was convinced that we were just very good friends.  I ignored all the innuendo and very obvious “clues” that were presented to me at the time.  Looking back, there wasn’t a single one of them that wasn’t standing by, being the shoulder to cry on, hoping to get in my pants if and when Psycho and I were on the outs.  And when they had a girlfriend, we suddenly didn’t hangout anymore.  Until one or both of us was presumably single again.

Girls, how many guys have you been friends with for any length of time that don’t fall into one of the following categories?

  • You’ve slept with or dated him
  • You want to sleep with/date him
  • He wants to sleep with/date you
  • He’s gay

It doesn’t happen very often, if at all.  I think we, as girls, like to think male friendships are completely normal and possible.  But talk to most any guy and ask them their opinion.  Odds are, he’s hoping for something more.  What that something is might vary, and he may not even be conscious of it, but I’ve yet to see this not be the case.

I’m not saying this is a good or a bad thing.  Just don’t kid yourself.

Dr H and I will continue to be friends.  And I know that somewhere, in the back of his mind, he still harbors the hope that we will evolve into more than that.  But he’ll meet someone else eventually.  And if and when he does, will he really still value my friendship all that much?  Once he’s “settled down” with someone, I sincerely doubt we’d talk much anymore.

That’s kind of sad that guy/girl friendships work that way.  But they do.  I mean, think about it…if you’re dating/married to some guy and one of his best friends is a girl, would you really be comfortable with that? 

I wouldn’t.  But then my boyfriends have always eventually ended up in bed with those “friends.”  Maybe I’m just jaded.

Exposing DrH – Part I

Ok, so I talked to Dr H about the Flirt situation last night.  I couldn’t NOT talk to him about it any longer.  It was making me bitchy and carrying over into our conversations and, if I’m going to continue being friends with the guy, that just wouldn’t do.

So pretty much as soon as I mentioned the circumstances leading up to what I wanted to talk to him about, his comment was, “Sounds like someone didn’t honor her own request.”  Meaning Flirt made him promise not to tell me and then she did.  I’m sneaky like that though. 

I got to hear his side of the story (no, I didn’t want details, tyvm.  Just the thought of her and him like that makes me vomit a little.) about how it all came about between the two of them.  And that this was somewhere in the neighborhood of 2 years ago.  Before he and I had become such good friends.  That wasn’t what bothered me about it though.  I certainly wasn’t mad at him (or her) for not telling me.  As I said before, really none of my business.  It was more a matter of is this is a thing with him….does he do this often with girls from the internet, etc.  And what did that make me.

Based on the past few years that I’ve “known” him, and talking to him almost daily for the past year, I (mostly) know it wasn’t like that. 

This happening while he was still on/off with his ex….I told him flat out that was disappointing because I never pegged him as a cheater.  He’s not proud of it, but admits his loneliness got the better of him (they lived 90 miles apart and were mostly on the outs by then I guess).  The fact that people (guys) DON’T think that is cheating is beyond me.  I had the same argument with my brother several years ago. 

But a little cybersex is not going to keep me from being his friend.  At least not at this point.  My trust level with him is not what it used to be…and I think he realizes that.  So we’ll just have to see how it goes.  He has been one of my very good friends for awhile now and I can’t imagine that changing.

Festering

First of all, I started tonight.  So yay for that.  Big Smile

Secondly, I alluded to something in an earlier post about some info I unearthed, pieced together, whatever you want to call it, at my mini-house party during Dr H’s visit.  And it didn’t really bother me, which I found to be pretty telling about how I must feel about him.  Short story shorter:  Dr H was having some sort of online/phone sex with someone I know (we’re not close, but friends) about a year ago (maybe more recent, but that’s what I’ve been able to decipher so far).  I don’t know when it stopped, but I do know they still talk occasionally.

Now I find myself, almost 2 weeks later, unable to shake it from my mind.  For a number of reasons.  Let me see if I can pinpoint them:

  1. He has always joked about this person…like, in a bad way.  Like she annoyed him and stuff.
  2. He (truthfully apparently) mentioned this certain thing during a phone call to me awhile back.  We (the friend and I) had just gone out for dinner and drinks with another friend, where I disclosed the turn of events in my relationship with Dr H (prior to his visit).  He said she was IM-ing him and asking him to do her a huuuge favor.  When I asked what it was, he, jokingly, said something about never telling me they had sex….well, it’s online equivalent. 
  3. Because of all of our previous conversations that involved her, I laughed really hard at the idea of that.  I’m sure that was his intent…knowing I wouldn’t take it seriously.
  4. Based on the timeframe when this was happening, he was still supposedly trying to work things out with his now ex.
  5. So much for Mr Devoted.
  6. Supposedly HE was the one instigating it.
  7. He would joke about her being online (at the same time when he and I were IM-ing) and tell me about how she was all drunk and flirty and stuff and all oh save him.
  8. Now it makes me wonder how many other people this has happened with.
  9. Is he some weirdo online perv, like I joked with him about when I first found out he had a webcam?
  10. Seriously….what the fuck?  How did this even start with this person?  Were they exchanging pictures or what?  And did he send her those pictures??
  11. And was he seriously attracted to her??
  12. And if so, was he attracted to her when he actually met her when he was in Dallas?
  13. Ugh.
  14. I can’t talk to him about it because I’m not supposed to know (I have a sick talent for finding out these things) and I am afraid, knowing my tendency to boil over after a time, that I’m going to come out with it in a very uncivilized way.

I hate when my mind wraps itself around something.  I’m like a pitbull in that respect in that I can’t just LET IT GO.  I don’t really give a flying fook that it happened.  It just makes me question how well I really know him.  And how many online “friends” he has.  And the fact that he blatantly misrepresented his relationship with her.  Sure, it’s none of my business, but don’t talk shit about the girl to me either!

More eye woes

The eye pain and puffiness is gone, as is most of the sensitivity to light.  My vision, however, is still horribly bad in my left eye.  So I’ve got an appointment with a new opthamalogist (sp?) tomorrow morning.  I don’t know why, but I keep having these horrible ideas of her having to cut my eye open or something.  Ewww.

I’m really worried that this might be permanent.  That my vision in that eye isn’t going to return to “normal.”  I have glasses that I wear for distance, but I typically only wear them at night when driving or when sitting in my (nosebleed) hockey seats.  The prescription is pretty weak actually.  I had to put them on to be able to see well enough out of my left eye today to drive home from work.  And putting my glasses on actually caused a sharp flash of pain in that eye.

Something definitely not right.  Hopefully this lady can tell me more than the genius in California who told me my eye was “irritated” when it was all red and puffy.

Dr H is flying back to San Diego tomorrow for part 2 of his training.  I feel like I haven’t gotten to talk to him as much lately, between vacation and him being out of town and work and all.  That’s probably a good thing though because now I’m thinking I miss him.  And who wants to do that?!   I think he has finally stopped trying to analyze everything atleast.  Last week, he was convinced that my true “feelings” come out when I’m drinking.  I say no, I’m just a lush.

But I did have a great time with him in San Diego.  No denying that.  I really think the circumstances of seeing him there vs the first meeting in Dallas were so much more relaxed, which made it more enjoyable.  And anyway, his comment earlier tonight pretty much summed things up:  The only hope of us (maybe) ever becoming something more than friends would be if we lived in the same city.  And even then it wouldn’t be guaranteed.  So we’re still friends and grateful for that.  

Catching up with DrH & time to go home

Dr H was actually in San Diego the 4th and 5th for a training class, so we had agreed, if our schedules allowed for it, to try and meet up for dinner while we were both there.  Tuesday evening, we decided, based on the suggestion of my brother and a friend of mine, to meet up in the Gas Lamp Quarter.   My sis-in-law was going to drop me off in that area around 4, so she could avoid most of the traffic heading back to her house.  And Dr H was going to give me a call and meet me somewhere after his class, around 5:30.

After looking at the website, I figured this was a good plan because there would be plenty of places for me to walk around and see and take pictures of while waiting on Dr H.  What I did NOT plan on was the downpour that started about 5 minutes after my sis-in-law dropped me off.  Ugh.  I managed to find a store that sold umbrellas atleast, but it was not the carefree downtown wandering I had envisioned.

Dr H’s class ended early, so he was in the area a little before 5pm.  After a few phone calls and miscalculated intersections, we found each other.  Poor thing was pretty soaked by then.  I tried to share my umbrella, but he was having little to none of that.  Men.  Hmmpph.

I was actually pretty excited about seeing him.  None of that first meeting pressure or worries about how to pass the time.  We wandered down to one of the historic houses that supposedly gives tours until 6pm only to find that they had closed early that day.  Dr H got a kick out of that.  His experiences with my “planning” have not been that great so far.  So we made our way back up 5th street and spotted Martini Ranch and decided to go in and have a drink (and get out of the rain). 

We chatted for awhile there and I was genuinely happy to be with him.  Of course, I’m thinking to myself, could I be attracted to this guy?  Did I misjudge things based on the other stuff that was going on?  I don’t know.  He’s cute.  Am I letting his size keep me away?  Does that make me shallow if I am?  Anyway, we had a good time visiting there then decided to go in search of dinner.  I was definitely more “touchy-feely” with him this time. 

The bartender had recommended a place, but when we walked down there (still raining) it looked a little too fancy.  I was in a tshirt, jeans, and tennis shoes.  So we decided to walk some more.  Then we saw Croce’s and the sign for live jazz music got my attention so we stopped to ask when that started.  It was about an hour away, so we looked over a (pricey) menu and decided we’d have dinner there.

We ordered a bottle of wine and some calamari for starters.  Then opted to split an entree (yummy halibut with asparagus and potatoes).  By then the band had started to play.  I don’t know if it was a combination of the live jazz (which doesn’t have quite the overpowering effect on me that blues music does, but still…) and the wine and the rain or what, but it was soooo undeniably “date-like” and I didn’t mind at all.  I went outside to smoke and called my brother to see what the plans were for the next day (I was heading home).  I mentioned that Dr H offered to bring me to the airport and wanted to see what Dilbert thought about that.  His reply was, do you want to do that?  Basically, my call.

Dr H comes out about that time and gives me a nice hug from behind.  We stood there for a few minutes enjoying the music while I finished my smoke.  Then we went back inside and there, sitting on the table, is a cd of the band that’s playing that Dr H had, very sneakily, purchased for me.  Awwww! 

We shared a dessert while I polished off another glass of wine (we’d emptied the bottle by then).  Then we headed to my brother’s.  I was still undecided about Dr H taking me to the airport the next day.  I wasn’t sure if my brother was really ok with it or just saying so.  So we got there and he got to meet Dr H, we looked at some video of the lake house he just bought near Sam Rayburn in Texas, talked a little, then I could tell Dr H needed to get back (he had class again the next morning). 

So Dilbert explains that if he takes me to the airport, he’d be dropping me off way early (around 7:30 for a 10:30 flight) because he has a meeting.  Dr H says he can take me around 8:30 or 9.  I feel bad because I didn’t even get to tell my sis-in-law or nephews bye (they were already asleep….it was almost midnight afterall) but I guess the alcohol made my manners questionable and I gathered up my stuff and headed back towards San Diego with Dr H to his hotel.

And…um…yeah.  I think we got to sleep around 3am. 

So anyway, we got up the next morning and headed to the airport.  It was about 8:20 when he dropped me off.  I ended up getting on an even earlier flight (headed to Albequerque at 9:20) with the idea that I could catch the connecting flight to Dallas there and be home a little earlier.  Oh the joy of flying standby.  Yes, it’s free, but it’s not without a downside.  The downside being creative travel plans.  I made it to Albq with no problem at around noon.  The flight from there to Dallas was supposed to leave around 2, so I wandered the airport and found a smoking lounge, ordered a drink, and took advantage of their free wireless for a bit.

Then that flight ended up being delayed and was pushed back to 3:20.  I was finally able to check in for that one and the odds of me getting on it weren’t looking too good.  Around 3pm, they sent me and another red pass passenger to another gate to catch a flight to Lubbock (WTF?!).  Then from there, we’d definitely be able to get on the “wide open” flight to Dallas.  So that’s what we did.  I got back into Dallas around 7:45pm and then had to wait another 30 minutes for the damn shuttle I reserved to show up.

Home finally a little before 9pm last night.  Yay!  Picked up Mazzy from the PetsHotel today and she’s finally speaking to me again.  She was happy to see me, happy to leave, and then suddenly seemed to remember she was mad at me.  She’s good now though.  The “Pawgress Report” they gave me is cute.  Cheesey, but cute.  Seems like they took good care of my baby atleast.

Recap of the visit

Ok, let’s see how much I can remember.  This will likely be mostly a list of what we did.  I’m hoping by getting all the details down, I’ll be able to comment on the other stuff later.

Thursday, 3/23:

Ok, so I basically left off at the snuggling-turned-sexcapade which started on the couch and somehow ended up in my room.  I don’t remember the details of the location change, only that it happened at some point.  Much later, like 3am later, I had to crash…since I had to be up for a conference call the next day.  I remember being a little put off by the fact that he didn’t get off.  Seriously…wtf is that all about?  In our previous conversations, he’d said he was all about making the girl feel good.  But every guy says that, right?  And while they may make an effort for awhile, in the end, they get theirs.

Dr Honeydew did not.  And I didn’t feel too good about that.  But…I forced myself to go to sleep anyway. 

Friday:

I didn’t sleep worth a shit.  Not used to sleeping in my bed lately, and certainly not used to sharing it.  I’d have slept better if he’d gone to the guest room afterwards, but that would have seemed inhospitable, right?  lol

I got up and went into the living room with the laptop and called into my (3-hour long) boring ass meeting.  Sometime around 11 Dr H got up and proceeded to come up behind me and give me a hug while I was sitting on the couch.  Um.  Ok. 

After the call was finally over, we hopped in the shower (seperately, thank you very much) and then got ready for the game.  Headed down to the West End early and had a late lunch at Landry’s, where Dr H, once again, insisted on paying.  I appreciate the gesture, but let me pay sometimes, too. 

I think by this point I had started to realize that I had no real chemistry with him.  I know that sounds all wrong consider the activities of the previous night.  I like him.  I do.  And I think he’s a great guy.  And the sex was fun.  But I really didn’t have that sparks-flying-electricity thing with him.  And that’s a big thing for me.  Like, if I really like someone, I want them to put their arm around me.  I want to hold their hand.  I want to kiss them at random times.  I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off them.

I wasn’t feeling that with Dr H at all.  Honestly, I wish I would have been.  He’s such a sweetheart.

After Landry’s, we headed back towards the car and then walked over to the AAC for the game.  We sat in my usual STH seats way up in the nosebleeds.  The game, against the Blackhawks, was lackluster.  We should’ve mopped the ice with them.  Instead, it ended up going to OT and then a shootout, which, after about 8 shooters, we eventually won.

After the game, we met up with people in front of the Old No 7 and then all walked over to the West End…which we quickly discovered was a ghost town.  What happened to that place?  It used to be full of people walking the streets, bar-hopping.  We went to 3 different places before we could find one that was still open:  TGI Fridays.  Meh…it’ll do.

We had fun hanging out there with the Austrailian Stars fans that were in town, as well as a lot of the usual crew.  Dr H drove home because I’d had plenty to drink by then.  We stopped at Denny’s (so I could pee) and ordered some food.  Then went back to my house.  Another night of sex and another night of him not getting off.  My ego is taking a beating at this point.  He atleast partially blamed the condom (I wanted to be on the ring for over a full week before going without a backup), but never once asked to not wear it.

Saturday:

Slept late so that kind of killed our plans of going to do much.  Decided to take him to the World Aquarium but when we got there (2 hours before they closed) there was a line wrapped all the way around the building.  We decided to try again Monday, when it was less apt to be so crowded.  So we went to the Arboretum instead. 

Again, one of those places that, if I was really into someone, I would’ve wanted to hold hands, stand close, etc.  And again, I wasn’t feeling it.  Every once in awhile maybe, but not like it should be in that situation.  This was frustrating me because I felt like a shallow bitch.  I can’t even pinpoint the reasons, I just know I’ve felt like that with every other person I’ve seriously liked.

Back to my house to get ready for company.  I’d invited people over to hang out and meet Dr H.  Most showed up around 8 and we sat around and talked for awhile, had drinks and snacks.  I’m such a social butterfly when I drink, so I’m wandering around talking to everyone and kind of deserted Dr H for much of the night.  I feel bad about that now, but wasn’t consciously doing it.  I was just trying to be a good hostess or something. 

Hours later, a few more people showed up and I was completely toasted by then.  Flirt and I, very unwisely, decided to make a run for the border to get food.  When we got back (thank God!!) I got the message that Dr H was not too happy about us driving….and he had every right to feel that way.  It wasn’t a smart move AT ALL and not something I’m proud of. 

Apparently, at some point, my big mouth shared info I shouldn’t have shared with a few people.  Ugh.  Remind me why I drink again??  But I also learned some info that made me a little uncomfortable.  Not going to get into that right now…  People cleared out a little before 3am and Dr H and I ended up breaking in my new chair and a half.  That was relatively fun, but nothing to write home about. 

Sunday:

Didn’t sleep too late considering.  Headed to the Stars vs Calgary game that started at 2pm.  We had the lower level seats my (old) boss gave me awhile back.  Great seats!  And a great game!!!  That was fun to watch.  And my Mikey scored a goal right in front of us!  :)

After the game, we met up with some friends and visited for awhile.  Then some of us walked over to Hooter’s for lunch.  Dr H barely talked during lunch….it was a little uncomfortable.  Later he told me he wasn’t feeling well.  Had an upset tummy.  Got back home around 7 I think.  I’m losing details (dammit…this is why I wanted to write as the weekend went on) but believe we just hung out at my house the rest of the night. 

I think that was the night that he asked if we could talk.  He said there had been all these unknowns before his visit and wanted to know if all my questions were answered and what I thought now, having spent a few days with him.  I wasn’t sure how to answer that without being awkward.  So I just said that I was glad he was here and that I was having fun with him, but didn’t see anything coming from it.  Long silence where I felt like I should say more….so I brought up the long-distance thing and how I won’t do it.  He says ok and then more silence.  Eventually we just start talking about something else….and had sex on the couch (that time I know he got his!).

Gosh, I am such a whore.

Monday:

I set my alarm so I could get up and work (from home) half a day.  Dr H had coffee made for me.  Awww.  Got a fair amount done and then called it a day around noon.  Then we went for lunch at the Corner Bakery in the West End and then the Dallas World Aquarium.  No line this time…yay!  My tour guide skills suck because I think we ended up doing stuff in the same part of town at least 3 or 4 times.  The DWA was cool, as usual.  I think Dr H enjoyed it, too.

After that we went to Wizard’s and shot a few games of pool and had a couple of drinks.  I miss playing pool.  I used to be good, dammit.  Now…not so much.

Back to my house where we had a pretty heavy makeout session up against the wall in my hallway….which lead to what had to be several hours of sex in various places and positions.  Midway through that, during a brief break, he turns to me and says, “I love you.  You know that right?”

“Um…no you don’t,” I say.  “You heart me.”  Heart being our safe word of expressing that we care about each other.

He says, “I know it’s one sided.”

No response from me.

More sex (and no, gak, no prizes won thankfully!).  Then my bladder finally took over and I had to stop for a potty break.  That pretty much ended the mood.  And I was glad for it.

He worked on my door (leaks when it rains) for awhile and tried to replace the bottom piece with something that you couldn’t even close the door afterwards.  So we hurried back to HD before they closed to buy a different one…which also didn’t work.  So now I have less protection there than I did and holes drilled in the bottom of the door for no reason.  Grrrrr!  I tried not to be too pissy about it because I could tell he felt really bad.  He put some foam stuff on there temporarily until I can get something else done to it.  And it’s supposed to rain while I’m out of town.  Sigh.

A little later, knowing we have to be up early to take him to the airport, we head to bed.  He mentioned that every time the subject of “us” came up, I got really quiet.  And said that, if the distance really was the only problem, that he wished I would reconsider.  That we would make it work.  I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing.  Then he says if it’s more than just that, to say so.  That he’ll still be my friend, no worries.  So I say, it’s more than just that.  That sounds too harsh, so I add that the distance is a factor, but it’s certainly not the only reason.

So I tell him that I know myself.  And I know how I am with someone I really like.  And that I haven’t been that way with him.  He says he’s noticed that the only time I really touched him much was when I’m drinking and that he wasn’t sure if I was just trying not to let the people around us know that I liked him or what.  I tell him that the fact that I wasn’t trying to hold his hand or be affectionate throughout the day tells me there’s something missing.  He says that makes him sad because he thinks we would be really good together.  That we are very complementary and compatible.  And that he really does love me, but knows he can’t make me feel the same way.  And wouldn’t try to.

Again, I’m speechless.  I don’t know why I couldn’t talk to him about what I was thinking.  Well, yes I do.  I don’t want to hurt his feelings.  I don’t want to make him sad.  I don’t want to feel like I’ve led him on.  I feel like a bitch so I say nothing and we eventually fall asleep.

Tuesday:

He woke me up at 6am (after I’d snoozed my alarm….I told him not to let me do that).  He had coffee made for me.  Dammit he’s so nice.  I get ready for work, he showers and gets his stuff together.  We left the house around 7am for the airport.  The ride there was mostly silence.  Little bit of small talk here and there, but mostly silence.  And me, being the wuss that I am, have tears in my eyes most of the way because I feel like the thing I was most worried about, our friendship, is in jeopardy.

We get to the airport, I pull up to drop him off, get out of the car and walk to the back with him to get his stuff out of the trunk.  A big long hug, him agreeing to text me to let me know he got home ok, a peck on the mouth, another big long hug, him telling me again that he loves me, and then he heads into the airport.  And I drive away with a few more tears.  I’m annoyed at the way I wasn’t able to talk to him like I normally could.

A little before lunchtime I sent him an email from work thanking him for coming to see me and all the nice things he does.  And tell him I’m sorry that I can’t say I more than just heart him…but that my lack of actions proves that to me.  And that I’m frustrated and regretful that I let things go the way they did.  And that I still think he’s one of the greatest guys I know.  It sounds so lame, but I didn’t know how to express what I was feeling.

He texted me to tell me his flight landed back in Florida.  Later I get a response to my email where he says he thinks I really do more than heart him but that I’m afraid of the consequences of that.  Because of my sheer distaste for the long-distance thing and not wanting to deal with it.  But that that is a conversation for another time.

I really don’t think that’s it.  And am annoyed that he’s trying to tell me what I feel.

I’m a hypocrite I guess because of the physical side of his visit.  But dammit, consenting adults and all that.  I love him to pieces as a friend, I’m comfortable with him, and we both wanted sex.  Is that so wrong?  Am I kidding myself?  

That’s why the lady is a tramp.

I made it to the airport without much difficulty, and was actually early.   So I got to do the whole pacing back and forth thing and going outside (cold!) to smoke.  I was pretty calm (for me) by the time he called to see where I was.  We definitely didn’t have any problem recognizing each other.  I still say he’s cute.  In some ways, cuter than expected.  In others, not so much.  Not in a bad way, just not what I’m typically attracted to either.  He had his Guster shirt on, which immediately reminded me of one of the pictures he sent me awhile back.  It’s actually the photo caller ID for him on my cell phone.  But I didn’t tell him that.  lolI don’t even remember what we said other than hi or something.  I do remember being much more relaxed than I thought I’d be.  Walked out to my car, put his stuff in the trunk, and then I got the best hug ever!  I was totally going for the quick friendly hug, what I got was him completely encircling me with his arms and squeezing (but not too hard) and holding me there for awhile.  It was cold outside, so that’s how I explained it to my unwilling to face things self.

The drive out of the airport was…chaos.  He had to help me navigate all those damn signs to eventually find our way to the exit.  I was a little too rattled by all of that.  I’m a wuss, I know.  But you throw 500 signs every 20 feet at someone who has a hard time driving at night and you’re just asking for trouble.  Yes, he offered to drive.  But no, I needed something to do to keep me from being too fidgety, since I was trying not to smoke in the car with him.

Headed back towards my house and stopped at Chili’s for a bite to eat and a few (ok, a lot for me) drinks.  The conversation during both the drive and the restaurant were as expected.  Silly.  Random.  Sometimes quiet.  But ok and mostly comfortable.  At least from my perspective.  He may have a different story to tell.  I’ll have to ask him.   I’m not sure what time we left there and headed back to my house.  I think it was around 11 or midnight.  Decided to watch a movie and ended up snuggling on the couch.  It was all friendly and innocent. 

For about 5 minutes….

Comments from the old blog:
Laura – Mar 24, 06: for about 5 minutes?!?!? 😮

Sharla – Mar 24, 06: Get back here and finish that post!!!!

Laura – Mar 27, 06: somebody’s been too busy to blog!! 😮

gak – Mar 27, 06: 5 minutes?? i love you Daisy!!!! did Dr H win a stuffed animal at the county fair??

Daisy – Mar 29, 06: Nope. He didn’t win any prizes. Well, unless me and my mad skills count. lol

NuvaRing Update

Forgot to update on this, and since I’m facing sleeplessness, might as well do it now.

So, I put the ring in last week.  It’s not quite as flexible/bendy as they lead you to believe, but it was easy enough to do.  I guess I wasn’t thinking, but didn’t realize I’d have to use my finger to push it up further.

The first couple of days I was nauseous.  I accepted that as my body becoming reaccustomed to the hormones and stuff.  I felt fine after that though.  For the next week, I was obsessed with checking it out.  Making sure it was still there.  Making sure it was in far enough.  I sit on the couch with my legs pulled up in front of me a lot and I can’t tell you how many times I wondered if it would somehow expel itself in that position.  But it didn’t.

My only real complaint so far is this uncomfortable pressure on my….I don’t know what.  Front wall??  I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m typically sitting all day, bad posture, or what.  It just seems like it pushes down on me.  It’s not painful, but it’s not exactly pleasant either.

Gak has me paranoid now after that comment she left about it popping out during sex.  So then I’m all paranoid wondering if it would be all icky if it came out.  Of course, I remove it just to find out.  It’s fine, but I did notice it is permanently creased in the form that it was bent to insert.  Yeah, so not as flexible as I thought.  Plus, I keep thinking, if someone were to use their hand, it wouldn’t be hard to miss.  Makes me think of a ripcord or something.

I’ve been googling about it and came across some message boards where people talked about their experiences with it.  Lots of mixed reviews.  Some love it, some hated it.  Most that hated it seemed to have had problems on birth control pills, too, though. 

Lots of people said they gained a full cup size!  I don’t think I’d like that.  I’ve learned to be happy with my smallish boobs.  Now if it would shrink my stomach and thighs, I’m all for that!

Others said they had absolutely zero sex drive and/or no lubrication.  I don’t think I’d like that either.

Most said their partner couldn’t feel it and if he did, it was only in certain positions and not really a big deal.  Personally, I’m more worried about what I will feel.

And yes, several mentioned the inadvertant cock ring.  How awful!  Or incredibly funny.  I can’t decide which.

I don’t know if I’ll find out any answers to my concerns during Dr Honeydew’s visit.  But atleast if it was to happen with him, he already knows about it and could give me an honest opinion.  Since we talk about all that stuff anyway.  😛

Today’s the day.

Since it’s after midnight and all, technically, Dr Honeydew arrives later tonight.  I’m relieved in a way.  Too much time leading up to it.  And personally, I’m sick and tired of reading my blog entries lately. Could I possibly sound any flakier and mental??  lol

I should really be asleep.  Loooong day at work tomorrow, rush home, pick up clothes from the cleaners, last mad dash at cleaning the house, shower, change, and try to relax for a bit before I have to head to the airport.  I haven’t been in DFW in years.  And the drive over there at night will be no fun.  I just hope I don’t end up wandering around the wrong terminal looking for him or anything like that.  Thank goodness for cell phones I guess.

I’m really going to try to blog as I can during the visit.  Just because it might be more fun to go back and read my reactions as they took place rather than a rambling summary after he leaves Tuesday.

I head to San Diego next Thursday for a much-needed week-long vacation…and my first two Stars road games ever.  Wheeeee!

GNO, the final countdown, & painted corners

Last night was GNO for the hockey group.  We take turns planning them, so this month, Miss Hut opted to have us meet for dinner at Gloria’s.  While a nice restaurant with yummy food, the timing was bad.  There was an away game on at 3 and dinner was at 6.  Being Stars fans, helloo….we wanted to watch the game.  So a few of us made an impromptu decision to meet up before dinner to watch the game.  The girls and the guys.  That was fun.

Then the 4 of us girls headed to Gloria’s, where there were no reservations previously made, waited on everyone else to show up, were seated at a long table that made it virtually impossible to talk to anyone other than those on your immediate left or right.  Two girls left quickly after dinner (one had a date, the other had a bday party to go to with her hubby).  The rest of us decided to head over to a local bar for a few drinks where we could chat more easily.

We get to the bar and everyone is even more sedate than before.  It was just an odd mix.  About 15 minutes later, the husbands of 2 of the girls showed up.  Normally, this would have been a serious GNO faux pas, but in this case, it was welcome.  The GNO was over and it never even felt like it got started.  Odd moods all around. 

Dr Honeydew will be here in 4 days.  And I find myself very moody and irritable.  The most surefire way to make me crazy bitch woman is to paint me into a corner.  This time, I think I helped hold the brush, but I am becoming annoyed with the whole situation.  Suddenly now if I don’t feel like talking about any preconceived ideas of an “us” I’m acting weird or distant.  Um….no.  I’m acting like the FRIEND that I have always been.  There is no US, remember?! 

He says I’m allowed to have doubts….these AREN’T doubts.  How can you doubt something you don’t even know?!?!  I know he is a good friend.  But stop acting like I am supposed to know how I feel about you as anything more than a friend right now.  Yes, I’ve seen pictures.  Yes, we’ve been talking for 2 years.  Yes, I met you briefly once upon a time.  Yes, we’ve had phone sex a few times.  But for fuck’s sake, that’s not enough to make me all mushy lovey dovey about seeing you in 4 days.  Hell, NOTHING is enough to make me all mushy lovey dovey all the fucking time.  That’s not me.  I might have moments, but that is not who I am 95% of the time.

When I talked to him last night I said I just want to know that no matter what, we will be FRIENDS like we’ve always been during your visit.  He says of course we will.  Do I believe that?  No.  I think it will be awkward as hell if one of us isn’t interested in anything else.  Shit.  I should’ve never let the past 2 months of conversation turn into this.  We could’ve just met as friends, been cool, had fun.  And hey, maybe we would’ve had a few drinks that might have led to more.  Now everything has all these fucking conditions and strings and doubt and fantasy world bullshit attached to it.

I DON’T WANT ANY EXPECTATIONS!!!!  And as much as he says there are none, I know that there are some….very high hopes atleast.  If I’m not attracted to him, he’ll be all hurt and then I’ll feel shitty and then it will be all weird.  Yes, based on pictures I’ve seen, I think he’s cute.  Note I said cute.  I’ve never dated anyone I thought was “cute.”  I’ve dated people I thought were HOT.  Does that make me shallow?  Not necessarily.  Some of the same people I thought were HOT, others thought were meh at best.  I can’t help who I’m attracted to.  None of us can. 

I know I’ve always gone for the tall, lean (to the point of being ricidulously skinny according to others), dark haired hot guy with an edge.  Tattoos, facial hair, pierced ears, blue collar.  Some combination of all that.  Yes, the traditional “bad boy” look.  I know.  So I tell myself, this guy is NOT a bad boy, I should try (again) to learn to like the nice guys.  He’s tall…..that works for me.  He’s also atleast 70 pounds heavier than anyone I’ve ever dated.  Will that bother me?  I have no idea.  I’d like to think that it won’t, especially given the fact that I’m certainly not at the weight I need to be.  But at the same time, that’s yet another thing that makes him so drastically different from any guy I’ve ever liked.  Granted, he has a lot of GOOD qualities that are drastically different from the men of my past, too.  Which is what draws me to him I think.

I just want to go back to being excited about my FRIEND coming to visit, hang out, and catch a few Stars games.  And I don’t even know if that’s possible now. 

This is me freaking out.  It’s not a pretty, but I had to vent somewhere and this really isn’t the sort of stuff Dr Honeydew should have to hear.

Game day

The past week has been a bit crazy.  Full of obscenely early conference calls and back to back meetings and little to no sleep.  I’m glad it’s over.

Went to happy hour with some friends last night.  That was a good idea.  I’m glad I didn’t wimp out and decide not to go.  It was good to sit and laugh and talk for a few hours. 

Tonight’s the first home Stars game since the Olympic break.  So I’m going to that.  Yay!  After that pathetic loss to Phoenix the other night, we better kick some Avs’ ass tonight.  An out-of-town Stars fan is in town this weekend, so we are meeting up before the game for dinner at Tony Roma’s. 

I’ve been horrible at staying on WW this week.  I blame the screwed up schedule, but that’s really no excuse.  I have just under 3 weeks until Dr Honeydew’s visit and was really hoping to be out of the 180s by then.  It’s still doable, but it’s going to take some real committment on my part to make it happen.  And more than just eating right…I’ve GOT to start exercising. 

I’ve almost reached full panic mode on that particular situation.  Almost.  I’m questioning everything.  But most of all, I’ve stepped waaaay back from him in a sense.  Because I think we’ve gotten a little too carried away with the idea that there are bigger things at work between us.  And I’d hate to have mislead him by encouraging those thoughts if, when he’s here, it turns out I’m not even remotely attracted to him.  Or vice versa.

But anyway, I don’t really feel like regurgitating all of that right now.  I’m just going to lay here and veg and watch a movie until it’s time to get ready to head towards downtown.

Self-Sabotaging?

I guess at no point was I considering my seeing T on Saturday a “date.”  I expected us to hang out, have a few drinks, talk a lot, and enjoy each other’s company.  So I didn’t find it unusual at all that I sent Dr Honeydew a few text messages during that time.  I couldn’t help it.  I was thinking about him.  Thinking it could have been him I was having drinks with and talking and laughing with.

At some point, I realized that was probably not cool.  So I stopped and  T and I talked tons and he showed me some cool websites with more info and pics of his country.  I am just so fascinated by it all.  They have such an interesting history. 

Oh, and did I mention that T got his ear pierced?!  I’m a dork, I know, but it’s way hot.  Anyway, more drinks later, and yes, things moved in other directions.  No need to go into detail, but it was more than just friendly behavior.  Why?  I don’t know.  Pick a reason:  being wanted feels nice, I miss kissing, I’m a selfish bitch, I was drunk, I was horny, he’s fucking hot.  Whatever.

I think what it really boils down to is two things.  One:  I feel like it’s completely ridiculous to shut myself off from others simply because of a psuedo-relationship I have with someone who lives 1200 miles away.  And two, which probably is the only real reason:  Dr Honeydew is soooo nice and soooo thoughtful and sooo sweet and sooooo smart and sooooo incredible.  And I couldn’t finally really be attracted to another “nice guy,” could I?!

True to form, however, when I talked to Dr Honeydew on Sunday, I told him I’d gone out with someone.  He wasn’t exactly thrilled about it, but at the same time, said even if I had been able to talk to him before I left, he would’ve wanted me to go.  That it’s not fair to expect me to hole myself up in my house for the next month.  And that he was actually surprised it hadn’t happened sooner.  He didn’t want details or names or whatever, but was perplexed as to why I was texting him during my “date.”

Anyway, long story slightly shorter, after much guilt (me) and much understanding I came to the conclusion that, at least until after his visit, I won’t be seeing anyone.  I’d rather see what happens with him first and not risk fucking that up over a serving of Turkish Delight that I know will always be a To Go order.

I think Dr Honeydew and I spent almost the entire day on the phone.  A few breaks here and there, but for the most part, we talked until the way wee hours of the morning (neither of us had to work Monday).

P.S.  Am I the only person in the world that had never had phone sex?  Granted, I preferred the real thing the night before, but damn.  I am such a whore.

“I’m just a girl living in captivity…”

I guess some things never change.  Just overheard this conversation at the gas station and it made me grin.

Teen Girl 1:  OMG, I can’t believe we almost forgot the coffee.  That’s totally what we came in here for.

Teen Girl 2:  I know.  We completely spaced.  That’s what I do when I write.  I just totally space out.

TG1:  Yeah, but your poetry is sooooo good.  It’s very deep and haunting.

TG2:  It’s weird, like it just pours out of me.   But I can only write when I’m angry or depressed.  (laughs)  So pretty much all the time.

TG1:  Yeah.  Life sucks.

I wish I could’ve told them to enjoy it.  That these really are some of the best years of their lives.  But then I would’ve been that crazy old  lady who doesn’t understand them or their daily struggles.  And god forbid I be that person.

It amused me because I was the same way for much of my very young life.  I wrote like crazy and all my friends thought (or atleast claimed to think) I wrote such deep, profound, moving things.  I look back at some of those poems now and feel a little embarrassed, but mostly just laugh.  Those big huge earth-shaking dramas of youth.  The teen angst.  The forbidden love.

I really was a cliche.  I embraced depression.  I was melancholy.  I wore black.  I dressed funny.  I rebelled.  I was goth before goth was cool dammit. 

Now, it’s funny to see that I wasn’t nearly as original as I thought.  And these 2 girls aren’t either.  It’s a rite of passage that we all go through.  And I envy them their journey.