Category Archives: Boys Will Be Boys

Just calling it like I see it.

So, I didn’t send that email, but after not hearing from him in almost a week and him not responding anymore, I saw him online today,.  I ended up sending a him a message.  Since clearly he wasn’t going to contact me and I am tired of playing the waiting game.

So I IM’d him and said that although he told me not to feel like I was bugging him, that I couldn’t help but feel that I WAS.  And that it seemed like if I didn’t call or message him, I never heard from him.  So that I was going to just back off and leave him alone.  He responded and said he would just have to call and message me then.  No, that’s ok, I told him.  If he wanted to, he would’ve already been doing that.  Then he disappeared from the IM window.  Not sure if it was accidental or on purpose, but either way.

I followed up with an email and just said that I hoped I didn’t sound rude earlier, that I wasn’t mad or anything, but that, ever since I went down to Beaumont to see him, he has been completely different towards me.  And very distant.  I wrote that I think he has had a change of heart and just didn’t want to hurt my feelings.  So I would let him off the hook.  No worries, and that we are still friends as far as I’m concerned.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, but I meant it when I said I was not going to play games.  I said what I needed to say so that I could retain an ounce of self-respect rather than throwing myself at some guy who clearly is just not that into me.

Yeah, it stings a little.  Even though I don’t have any illusions that he would’ve been THE guy.  I couldn’t picture us together long-term, but I was willing to deal with the distance to find out.  The worst part is to have had some semblance of hope restored only to be snuffed back out.

Finding out what you don’t want to know

Is it better to know or not know?

In this case, I guess it is better to know so I can just stop it and move on.  I have had a massive crush on my friend, Curly, for years.  Early in our friendship, he made a comment about never dating a smoker, so I immediatey wrote off any chance of anything ever growing out of that friendship.  But it didn’t keep me from thinking he was an amazing guy, who shared a lot of the same values as me.  And maybe because he’s one of the few, seemingly decent, single guys I know, I fixated on him.  I absolutely adore him.  To the point that, tonight, at a bar to see one of his friends play in a cover band, a friend of mine decided to explore the topic with him.

Apparently we get along and have a lot in common, but it’s stricly platonic.  It stings a little, but at least I can finally just let it go.

Can men and women really be “just friends”?

So the recent stuff with Dr H and Flirt (and me, too, I guess) has brought this question back in to my mind.  My brother and I used to have this discussion a lot.  I believed it was possible up until my early college years.  Duckie, being a guy, admits that he doesn’t know of any situation in which a guy is just friends with a girl and he doesn’t have some underlying motive.  Or hope.  Or want something from you.

My opinion on it when I was younger was always, of course we can be just friends.  However, in later years, after the first debate with Duckie about it, I see it differently.  Occasionally I think it is possible, but my opinion always comes back around to NO.

I always had a lot of guy friends in school.  And I was convinced that we were just very good friends.  I ignored all the innuendo and very obvious “clues” that were presented to me at the time.  Looking back, there wasn’t a single one of them that wasn’t standing by, being the shoulder to cry on, hoping to get in my pants if and when Psycho and I were on the outs.  And when they had a girlfriend, we suddenly didn’t hangout anymore.  Until one or both of us was presumably single again.

Girls, how many guys have you been friends with for any length of time that don’t fall into one of the following categories?

  • You’ve slept with or dated him
  • You want to sleep with/date him
  • He wants to sleep with/date you
  • He’s gay

It doesn’t happen very often, if at all.  I think we, as girls, like to think male friendships are completely normal and possible.  But talk to most any guy and ask them their opinion.  Odds are, he’s hoping for something more.  What that something is might vary, and he may not even be conscious of it, but I’ve yet to see this not be the case.

I’m not saying this is a good or a bad thing.  Just don’t kid yourself.

Dr H and I will continue to be friends.  And I know that somewhere, in the back of his mind, he still harbors the hope that we will evolve into more than that.  But he’ll meet someone else eventually.  And if and when he does, will he really still value my friendship all that much?  Once he’s “settled down” with someone, I sincerely doubt we’d talk much anymore.

That’s kind of sad that guy/girl friendships work that way.  But they do.  I mean, think about it…if you’re dating/married to some guy and one of his best friends is a girl, would you really be comfortable with that? 

I wouldn’t.  But then my boyfriends have always eventually ended up in bed with those “friends.”  Maybe I’m just jaded.

Well, this should be interesting.

Just got a call from T.  I’ve failed to mention the few times we’ve talked since the big discussion.  He called to wish me a happy birthday, merry Christmas, and on New Years.  And I’ve seen him online a few times and we’ve chatted a bit.  But I haven’t seen him in person since we had the whole friends talk.

So anyway, he just called from work (he’s working a second job on the weekends now) and we talked for awhile.  Then he asked if I wanted to go have drinks or something after he gets off work.  He claims no alterior motive, just wants to see me.  The weather is supposed to get pretty nasty tonight.  It’s been below freezing all day and they are predicting rain/sleet/freezing rain/etc.  So I said I really wasn’t planning to go anywhere if the weather is bad.  He offered to come pick me up.  Or just hang out over here for a little while.

I guess we’ll see how this whole ‘we’re just friends who used to have great sex’ thing goes.  And why do I suddenly feel guilty about it?  Like I know Dr Honeydew wouldn’t be comfortable with the idea of T and I hanging out.  In fact, I worry that he’d be hurt by it.  It’s not like we have some sort of exclusive relationship.  Hell, it’s not like we have a relationship at all…we’ve just been moving in the direction of the idea of potentially having one. 

Shit.  This is such a weird place to be.  Of course, if the whole ‘just friends’ thing with T holds true, I shouldn’t feel guilty.  But I also know how we can be sometimes… 

And whatever happens with T, do I talk to Dr Honeydew about it?  I am the world’s most horrible liar, but at the same time, I don’t want to make him feel weird or worried or upset or anything either.   I know he and I are officially still just the best of friends, but does the fact that we are interested in exploring other options justify my feeling guilty about seeing T tonight?? 

The man in black

For the last week or so I’ve been in a mood.  I don’t let it surface very often, but when it does….wow. 

I had no idea that, 5 years ago, when asshole-exbf (from now on, known as Badass) and I split up, I would still be undeniably single at this point.  As someone who has gone from one long-term relationship to another, it’s a weird feeling. 

I know it has been good for me in a lot of ways.  I’ve rediscovered a lot of myself that had long been buried under the timid, clingy, self-esteem-less shell of a person I became over the 6 years he and I were together.  I feel more like myself than I have in a long time.  Only still not quite myself.  I blame the weight gain on that.  And I can’t help but wonder how many amazing and wonderful guys I passed up because my head and heart were too wrapped up in the wrong guy.  I know of at least one.

My high school reunion in 2003 really opened my eyes to a lot of things.  I had guys I had been friends with in high school tell me how they had the biggest crush on me back then.  But that they knew I would “never” break up with my high school sweetheart.  Plus, I think people were a little afraid of him.  He didn’t get the nickname “Psycho” for nothing.  He and I dated for 7 years.  There were breakups during that time, but we always ended up back together (translation:  I always took him back). 

I was in college when we finally split up for the last time.  Once I’d recovered from the heartache of it all, I had several months of actually dating.  It was the first time in my life I’d ever just dated.  One was a guy I knew from kindergarten,  before my family moved outside of the city and I started attending a different school.  He was Door #1.  We reconnected when I found out he lived right down the street from a friend of mine.  I, of course, was dating Psycho at that time, but Door #1 and I started talking again, even hanging out a little.  Once Psycho and I had split up, Door #1 and I began to see more of each other.

And then I met Door #2.  A guy I went to high school with (a few years older than me) and I used to go take smoke breaks together when we were both working at the mall.  I always thought of him as a very good friend, nothing more.  One night, after work, we went and played pool with some friends of his.  There was this totally adorable guy there that looked soooo familiar to me.  Later I realized I had met him once before, and liked him then, too, but he was married.  Anyway, the next day, totally adorable guy, Door #2, showed up at my parents’ house (I was still living there at the time).  I opened the front door and he quoted a line from the movie Singles and my heart melted.

“I was just nowhere near your neighborhood.”

Thus began my relationship with Door #2.  He was now divorced.  He’d caught his wife cheating on him (they married very young) while his baby daughter was sleeping in her crib near the bed.  I was devastated for him.  We both talked about our failed relationships and shitty partners that insisted on deceiving us.  And we were both more than a little scared to open up our hearts again.  So we dated, casually, for awhile.  Then things became much more intense.

By intense, I mean, scary.

Door #2 had a 15-month old daughter that he had custody of.  I was not even 21 yet.  I babysat her a lot while he was working.  We took her to movies with us, to lunch, to dinner.  We had our alone time, too, thanks to his mother.  I’ve had a habit, for as long as I can remember, of writing things down to clear my head.  I’d just grab a pen and paper and pour my heart out.  Every thought, wrong as it may have been.  So, knowing that Door #2 was still struggling with things, suggested he try it.  And boy did he.

He ended up wanting me to read what he wrote.  All 6 pages of it.  He talked about how awful it was to find his wife cheating on him.  And his fears in raising his daughter alone.  And this new person he had met that had shown him a side of himself he had forgotten.  And he went on to describe this wonderful girl, in a way that she could never describe herself.  That girl was me.  And he understood me better than I did.  It was the most sincere, sweet, wonderful thing anyone had ever said or written to me.  He wrote about how he has to think of his daughter now and make the right decisions for her.  And how much she loved me and I her.  I made a copy of it before I gave it back to him because I wanted to remember how good it made me feel.  And how badly it scared the living shit out of me.

This was a guy who would leave little notes on my car while I was at work.  Who would show up at random times with a handful of daisies.  Who was genuinely interested in how my day went and my happiness and my well-being. 

And he scared the shit out of me.  I fell in love with him and started backing away from him at that very instant.

Not long after that, I was at the local pool hall (I used to be a shark, what can I say?) with a friend of mine.  In walked tall, skinny, blue-eyed Badass, aka Door #3.  He interrupted our game with some cheesy line.  I pretended to be annoyed.  Meanwhile, sparks were flying.  No, sparks is not the right word.  Freaking fires blazing.  Yes, that’s much more accurate.  I gave him my number with the condition that he couldn’t write it down.  It was a ridiculously easy phone number. 

He didn’t call.  I lamented about this to my mother.

One night, after class, I headed to a local bar with a friend to hear Door #1’s band play.  It was Valentine’s Day.  Afterwards, he walked me to my car, thanked me for coming, gave me a hug, and kissed me.  For the first time.  I was giddy.  As I got into my car to drive away, I saw a little piece of paper fluttering under my windshield wiper.  When I got out to retrieve it, I was shocked to find that it was a note from Badass.  Said he saw my car and wanted to wish me a Happy Valentine’s Day but didn’t know if he should come in and say hi or not.

When I got home, Mom told me he had called.  And that she told him where I was.

The timeline of all of this is kind of blurred now.  But at one point, I was talking to, if not dating, all 3 of them.  And it was nice.  And honest.  They all knew I was seeing other people.   Eventually, Door #1 fell by the wayside.  He was either too shy, or just not interested enough.  So here I had Door #2, this amazing, good-looking, divorced, dedicated father and sweetheart of a guy who adored me and respected my wishes to not rush into anything.  And I had Door #3, Badass.  A fast-talking, heart-racing player of a guy who insisted that he wanted to be with me and only me and that the idea of me seeing other people was killing him.

So who did I spend the next 6 years of my life with??  Ugh.

Door #2 and I remained friends for a long time after that.  Until Badass became good friends with my dad’s mechanic, who had known and been friends with Door #2 for a very long time.  When Badass and I would have problems or break up, I’d find myself wanting to see, call, talk to Door #2.  Badass found out and went ballistic.  So I stopped talking to Door #2 all together.

There was a lot more that went on, like me taking Door #2 out for his birthday and getting him drunk when I was still too young to legally buy alcohol.  Duckie’s girlfriend babysat and Door #2 crashed on the couch at my parent’s house that night.  My parents adored him.  They would invite him places, like to the beach cabin we rented for a week in the summer.  They’d offer to watch his daughter so he and I could go down to the beach.  They were literally pushing him on me.  And I dug my heels in so hard I got whiplash.

I’m not proud of the way I handled it, but these are the choices I have made in my life.  It’s not to say that Door #2 was THE ONE.  That, I doubt, because he had some issues of his own.  But I know for a fact, things would have been a lot different had I opened that door rather than the one I chose.

Girls always say they want a nice guy.  They want romance.  They want to be loved.  I still say that.  And yet, I had one right in front of me and still chose a rebel without a cause bad boy who would break my heart.  Over and over.  Not once (Psycho) but twice (Badass). 

Those who don’t learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them.

Comments from old blog:

Nilla – Jan 07, 06: My wiseass opinion is that you were too young for any of that shit. I got married at barely 20 and didn’t have a clue what the hell life was really about and how love and feelings worked until about 25. And now at 30 I think I can finally say I’m a grownup and now I’m ready for what life throws at me. Seriously, don’t lament those past relationships. They filled whatever need you had at the time. And everyone has had a BAD RELATIONSHIP or two so don’t lament that either.

Daisy – Jan 07, 06: I guess I’m not lamenting the bad relationships so much as just hoping I learned from them. So when the next Mr Wonderful appears, I’ll recognize and appreciate him.

Denice – Jan 10, 06: I think you the timing was off for door #2, that is a whole lot to take on at such a young age. My hubby and I met when I was 20 and when he said he loved me, I was scared shitless and he did not have an ex or kids to deal with. The Badass is great fun, but it sounds like it is good you got over him. I hear it is tough to find people, but you will.

Andrew – Jan 11, 06: So what’s wrong with the nice guy?

Daisy – Jan 11, 06: Nothing is wrong with the nice guy. That’s just it. So why, when given the option, do I never seem to choose one? I think it’s the excitement level. Maybe I need a nice guy who can still be spontaneous and wild. Do they make those?

Andrew – Jan 12, 06: Sure they do! The difference is that the nice guy won’t ditch you at the wild club that he spontaneously drug you to halfway across the country! 😉

Officially, no response from T.

It dawned on me that it’s been roughly a month since I sent that email to T.   I think that officially qualifies as a non-response.  Honestly, I’d pretty much forgotten about it until Nala (Mexigoalie’s bf) asked me what was going on with T and me.  And then I remembered…the email.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised.  And maybe even disappointed.  As he’s always been very well-mannered with me, I expected atleast a courtesy reply.  I knew when I sent it, I ran the risk of ending the relationship completely.  But that’s ok.  I still feel good for saying what I wanted/needed to say.

Atleast I got some fun memories out of it.  And a cool cd.  😉

Great night with T

We ended up going to a nice little place with a (small, but really good) jazz band.  The food was good, the conversation was great, the music was excellent.  The only negative was the cramped little table we were at by the wall.  I’m really fascinated with T’s background and culture.  I was never good at U.S. history, much less world, but the more I talk to him about where he is from, the more I want to learn.  <dork> I ordered some books about it (with a gift card I already had, of course) on B&N today.  </dork>

We talked about our families, how we were raised, the relationships our parents have, our views on marraige and family and goals in life.  The more I talk to him and learn about him, the more I *gulp* like him.  Danger!  Danger Will Robinson!!

Which leads us to the big question of the night, which took place after dinner.  We sat and talked in the restaurant for another hour or so and then decided to go to a nearby bar for a few drinks.  It was nice out so we walked over there.  I noticed, during our walk, he not only did not try to hold my hand or put his arm around me (he used to), but he had his hands in his pockets.  So, we get to the bar, and after a drink and mindless chatter, amidst the crowd and the live band and the football game on tv, I figure it’s now or never. 

So… I ask him what is it exactly that we are doing?  Are we dating?  Are we just friends?  Are we just friends who have sex occasionally?  What?  And he’s quiet for a few seconds.  Awkward.  I say there is no reason for him to feel pressured or cornered or uncomfortable.  That I genuinely just want an honest answer.  Here’s me paraphrasing the next bit.

T:  We are friends.

Me:  Ok.

T:  No, I mean we are definitely friends.  At the very least.

Me:  Ok.

T:  What do you think?

Me:  I’d agree with that.  At the very least, friends.

T:  I think before, until when you didn’t hear from me for awhile, we were dating.

Me:  And now?

T:  Well did you think that?

Me:  I didn’t initially, when we first started going out.  Like I told you, I didn’t think you wanted that.  But then, for those last several months, we were seeing each other more and more and yes, I felt like we were dating.  Which is why it was so disappointing to just suddenly not hear from you for awhile.

T:  I know.  And I am really sorry about that.  I haven’t told you all of it….

So he begins telling me more of what was going on during those months he was incognito.  Along with some of the other issues, he tells me about how he really thought he was going to have to go back home.  About his frustrations.  About not wanting to have to leave.  And how, because of the situation he is in, he can’t get comfortable here.  He doesn’t know ultimately what will happen.  He wants to stay, but between working to pay his bills and school, he’s struggling with both.  And fears that, at any moment, one little slipup and he’s gone.  And that because of that, he doesn’t know if he should get too close or involved in a serious relationship. 

Part of me, trying to understand the situation he is in, sees his point.  Another part of me thinks this is the whole wants-his-cake-and-eat-it-too speech.   So I ask what is it he would like for me to do.  Because one minute he wants to see me more, and the next, he’s unsure.  He says he does want to see me and talk to me.  That I am the most genuine and real person he’s met here.  “A very decent person,” I believe he said.  Something like that.  Anyway, based on past talks with him, I take it as a very sincere compliment. 

So as the conversation (and my drinks) progress, he mentions how some of his friends here (from where he is from) told him he will never make it through school here.  Never get his citizenship.  Unless…….can you guess what is coming next? 

Marraige.

They told him about women here who will do that for a specified monetary exhange.  And he laughed and seemed surprised by this.  He said, I can barely take care of myself, how am I supposed to take care of a wife and kids.  I told him, in that type of arrangement, I think the only “taking care of” you are expected to do is a monthly payment or something.  And doubt there would be any kids.  So then I’m curious as to just how much thought, if any, he has given this idea.  So we talk and joke about it more. 

Then we get back to talking about what is it he wants out of being here.  Get a degree and go home?  Stay here?  He wants to stay here.  And have the freedom to go home and visit.  Right now, if he does that, he is worried something will happen and he won’t get to come back.  So I tell him all he can do is focus on the things he has control over.  He has to be in school fulltime.  He has to earn enough money to live.  Those are inflexible.  So we talk about different options, jobs, income, etc.  I can tell he is overwhelmed and stressed over these things, and has been for some time.  And he won’t ever ask for help.  So I offer to do some research on student loans, international students, etc and see what I can find.  I work with a lot of people who have been in his position and feel certain they could provide some good information.

He tells me I don’t have to do that.  I say I know that….again, this is what friends, people who care about each other, do.  He again mentions that I am a very decent person.  And laughs and says that if he was going to pay someone to marry him, he’d pay me.

Um.  A joke?  Yes.  I think.  But still.  I’m all speechless and stuff.

Finally I laugh, a little too forced, and say, I’m not going to marry you so you can stay here.  We both had said earlier that it was something we hoped to only do once.  So we better make damn sure we picked the right person in the first place.  He says he knows.  He’s just frustrated.  I say, if you want something bad enough, you’ll find a way to make it work.  Stop worrying about the small stuff and focus on the big picture and the steps you need to take to get there.

So that was pretty much the end of that particular topic of conversation.  I guess I really didn’t get an answer to my question.  And at the same time, I did.

We walked back over to our cars and stood there, leaning against my car and/or each other, and talked for another 30-40 minutes.  About our past relationships.  About our friends.  About life in general.  And whether or not either of us was ready to call it a night.  That led to much kissing (and every nerve ending in my body rejoiced…I swear I could kiss this man for hours).  And then, sex-starved whore that I am said either come to my place or take me to yours.

We opted for mine.  It was closer. 

Yay!  It was a great night.  I miss sex.  Sigh.  Talked a little more afterwards.  I love that he doesn’t just rollover and pass out.  It was a great way to wake up, this morning, too.  I forget how much I miss waking up with someone.  And that groggy-eyed cuddling that leads to wakeup sex.  For me, not a morning person AT ALL, it’s always a pleasant mix of being awake and a really good dream.  And then after awhile he had to leave.  I told him he never really gave me a straight answer.  We’ll talk about it some more later, he said.  A hug, kiss on the cheek, kiss on the forehead, and he headed home, after grabbing my paper for me from the front yard and loaning me a cd of some music I wanted to hear. 

I’m more and less confused about things now than I was before, if that makes sense.  Why do I always like either jerks or guys that are, ultimately, unavailable to me?  I’m thinking more and more that T falls into the latter category. 

Truth Time with T

Mondays almost always suck.  Today wasn’t really any different.  Only it didn’t suck as badly as it could have, I guess.  Work was busy.  Still have work that I have to finish up tonight. 

I got home around 7 and have been sitting here going through the mail, looking at a magazine, and listening to the cd T loaned me.  I wish it had the case to go with it (although I’m certain I wouldn’t be able to read any of it) just so I’d know who it was or to try and read along with the lyrics or something.  Again, I’d have no idea what they were saying, but still.  I really like this music.  Definitely not going to make a copy of it.  That would be wrong.  😉

Hopefully things will work out so that I can take Thursday off to go to (specific event) with friends that day.  Should be fun if I can swing it.

*** This entry interrupted by a phone call from T ***

Truth Hurts

 

Ok.  It’s now after midnight and I have all my answers.  Three hours of conversation and there will be no happy couple here.  Atleast not with T.  He thinks I am a great person and a wonderful friend.  And really his only friend here that he can hang out with.  I said I am not in the habit of sleeping with my “friends” (well, there were some adventures in my youth, but that’s another story).  He said yeah, maybe that was not so good.  But admittedly, we did have sex the 2nd time we ever saw each other (soooo not like me).  And he thought we were having fun.  And we were.   We were (are) friends and both happened to want sex, so he didn’t see the harm.  Honestly, I didn’t either.  I was convinced I was finally having “casual sex” for the first time in my life.  And handling it quite well.  For awhile.  Until the whole feel of dating came into play and then I had to go and be such a damn girl and start having emotions and shit. 

We both agreed I should’ve asked the question a long time ago (we met a year ago yesterday).  But, until earlier this year, I didn’t think it was an issue.  Until we started going out more.   And doing couple-like things.  Curling up on the couch together.  Holding hands.  All that mushy crap. 

He said he didn’t want to give me false hope (hey Nilla, you were atleast half right!  And I guess I was right about the unavailable part) but that he did not feel that way about me and didn’t think that would change.  Gee…then maybe you should consider NOT saying things like (in response to conversations about my ex) “I would never treat you like that” or “I would never do that to you.”  While putting your arm around me.  Yeah.  You wouldn’t do that to me because you had no plans of ever really dating me.  Hello?!!! 

I feel like such a fucking idiot right now.  But am glad to have an honest answer.  He said he felt bad for making me feel bad and I don’t want him to think that.  I’m glad he was honest finally.  I really am.  Peoples’ actions (or should I say, my interpretation of those actions) don’t always match with reality.  And I read way too much into things I guess.  Although I won’t accept full responsibility for that.  I mean, T did play a role.  He may not have known it, but he certainly gave me enough ammunition to shoot myself in the foot.  Or heart.  Whatever. 

He says he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend.  Doesn’t want me out of the picture.  But that is up to me.  I tell myself we can try to still be friends and I can go back to the mindset I had before…that we are just having fun.  And we do have fun together.  And I actually have remained friends with some of the people I’ve dated in the past (Yes…I KNOW….T and I are NOT dating.  I get it!!!)  That I can forget all the thoughts I’ve had and we can still hang out.  But I don’t know if that is realistic for me. 

My first adventure into the world of casual sex and I failed miserably.  What is most irritating to me is that, this is the first guy I’ve met  that I actually liked since Jackass and I split up five years ago.  Someone please help me wash this big clueless sign off my forehead. 

Holiday Weekend Over

How sad.  I’m not ready to go back to work.  It’s been so nice being lazy.  And I don’t even feel guilty about it.  Other than a few small projects around the house, I have done absolutely nothing the past 3 days.  In fact, I didn’t even leave the house except for once last night to buy smokes and pick up some Taco Bueno.  I’m not a hermit, really.  I’m just conserving gas.  😛

I talked to T earlier tonight.  I guess we really have been crossing signals or something.  I don’t call him because I don’t want to be annoying.  Plus I know he’s either working or in class all day and night.  He doesn’t call because I don’t call so he thinks I don’t want to talk to him.  He had fun hanging out with my friends but thinks it doesn’t matter if he is there or not because I am having fun with my friends either way.  And that I see them all the time, but him, not so much.  There was a month or so there where we saw each other almost every week.  And I didn’t know what to make of it. 

I told him you are welcome to come out with us anytime.  I would love to see you more often.  But you told me, almost a year ago, you had to focus on work and school and did not have time for a girlfriend.  I’m trying to respect that.  I like spending time with you.  With or without my friends.  All you have to do is ask.  I’m not a freaking mind reader, although some of my old friends were convinced I was psychic.  Or maybe they meant psycho.    Anyway.  So he said he did not remember saying he didn’t have time for a girlfriend.  Whatever.  Maybe he said it because, at the time, we barely knew each other and he wasn’t sure who he was dealing with.  I’m the type of person that, you tell me something like that, I’m not going to argue with you or try to change your mind. 

So he tells me I can call him anytime.  If he is busy, he will call back when he can.  I say likewise.  And invited him to dinner this weekend.  He says he doesn’t think he has any plans and would like that.  The not thinking he has plans thing…um…does that mean he’s waiting to see if a better offer comes along?  Or am I being anal?

Ugh.  When did dating become so complicated? 

Six Feet Under

A friend of mine mentioned this series to me a long time ago as something she thought I would enjoy. However, at the time, I didn’t have HBO. When I finally moved and was able to afford the premium channel, I didn’t want to start midway through it. So I never watched it.

Now, apparently the show has ended. But thanks to the magic of technology, these things are available on dvd. And thanks to the magic of Netflix, they are available at the click of a mouse.So right now, I am starting on season 1. Just finished watching the first episode. I haven’t formed an opinion of it yet. The first dvd has the first three episodes on it, so I’ll probably watch the next two tonight.

T called me earlier. That made me smile.

I’m not ready to go back to work tomorrow. This is the first weekend in a long time that I have done essentially no work (thanks to my internet being out) and it was incredibly nice. Surviving this week should be a breeze though, knowing that there’s a holiday weekend coming up next. Hooray for that.

Happy hour with T

Guess the folks at Comcast have gotten their act together. My internet is back up and running consistently now.

So Friday was fun. Had plans to stay in, but a late call from T prompted me to go out and meet him for drinks. Some friends of mine were still at happy hour (that I had previously planned to skip) so we decided to meet there.

Before I go any further with this story, it’s important to point out that, the night before, I’d gotten a few messages from P. Asking why I was not responding, why am I not interested in him anymore, etc. So rather than tell him it’s because he’s a slimey jerk with less than adequate equipment, I decide to take the easy way out and just tell him that I’m dating someone now (even though that’s not exactly the case)

.Ok, so back to Friday. T & I show up to the happy hour location and are saying hello to everyone (he’s met most of these people before) and lo and behold, who happens to be sitting with the group. Yep, you guessed it. P and one of his buddies. That couldn’t have worked out any better. I was just grinning from ear to ear. And of course, the fact that T kept putting his arm around me and stuff didn’t hurt. Although, that would’ve happened whether P was there or not. But it was just cool how that worked out. So maybe now P will stop with the ridiculous messages offering his “services.”

I had a lot of fun hanging out with T, and he and my friends got along great. I just hate not knowing where I stand with him. When we first met (almost a year ago now) he said he didn’t have time for a girlfriend right now….between work, school, whatever. Which was fine with me. Because at the time, I just thought he was incredibly hot and wanted to jump his bones (I won’t even go into detail on how long it had been since I’d even kissed a guy at that point). But as we went out more, and got to know each other better, I really like him. And we’ve talked about “us” somewhat.

I just can’t read him AT ALL and that frustrates me. One minute, he’s acting like we’re a couple, the next, friends. Case in point, we were dancing and being incredibly physical (touching, holding hands, hugs, arms around each other, etc) for most of the night. Then, when we are leaving, I get a….peck on the cheek? What the hell is that all about? But then I talked to him the next day and he just said he drank too much, was tired, and needed to get home. Maybe so. I don’t know.I’ll have to bring it up the next time we talk.

Maybe I’m just suffering the effects of low self-esteem right now and should stop trying to pick everything apart. We had fun together. That I know. And I’m glad we went out. He’s a fun guy. Even if we are just friends.Ugh. Ok, shutting up now.

Let’s get it started.

Gone are the ways of the paper journal. And good riddance, I say. I was never good at keeping mine current. Months would pass and there I was, trying to recapture all the events, thoughts, and feelings of everything that had happened since I last wrote. It ended up being a hodgepodge of haphazard drivel.

I’m online a lot. I type faster than I can think most days. So this makes for a good outlet for me. A natural progression of things, even if I am a few years behind in taking advantage of this technology.So here’s a start, and we’ll see how it goes. I won’t even attempt to catch up on my life thus far. So I’ll just jump right in as of today.

I’m a 30-something single who hasn’t had a real date in months. And by “real,” I mean something other than veiled attempts at the infamous booty call from a certain someone I’ll call P. It’s sad that, for awhile there, I was so craving male affection that I would often accept such a call from him. Initially, it was fun. Exciting even. If the payoff had been better, I’d be tempted to continue, but sadly, it was not. And in the long run, really, what’s the point? So I’ve been a good girl and dodged that particular situation for atleast a couple of months. And have no plans of returning there. Atleast not with HIM.

Trying to find a budget I can stick to has been a challenge. I’m constantly recalculating and crunching numbers to make it work. I’m terribly bad at impulse shopping. I see it, I want it, I buy it. Not a good plan. Especially when I have some bigger and better purchases to plan for. Not to mention the fact that it certainly isn’t helping me get out of debt any sooner. So, starting tomorrow, I will write down every single expense. Every pack of gum picked up while paying for gas, every cup of coffee from the machine at work, every drink bought when out with friends. Everything. Down to the last cent. I’m told that if I do this, even for just a week, I will be shocked and amazed at how much money I’m throwing away.