Category Archives: The Single Life

Just calling it like I see it.

So, I didn’t send that email, but after not hearing from him in almost a week and him not responding anymore, I saw him online today,.  I ended up sending a him a message.  Since clearly he wasn’t going to contact me and I am tired of playing the waiting game.

So I IM’d him and said that although he told me not to feel like I was bugging him, that I couldn’t help but feel that I WAS.  And that it seemed like if I didn’t call or message him, I never heard from him.  So that I was going to just back off and leave him alone.  He responded and said he would just have to call and message me then.  No, that’s ok, I told him.  If he wanted to, he would’ve already been doing that.  Then he disappeared from the IM window.  Not sure if it was accidental or on purpose, but either way.

I followed up with an email and just said that I hoped I didn’t sound rude earlier, that I wasn’t mad or anything, but that, ever since I went down to Beaumont to see him, he has been completely different towards me.  And very distant.  I wrote that I think he has had a change of heart and just didn’t want to hurt my feelings.  So I would let him off the hook.  No worries, and that we are still friends as far as I’m concerned.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, but I meant it when I said I was not going to play games.  I said what I needed to say so that I could retain an ounce of self-respect rather than throwing myself at some guy who clearly is just not that into me.

Yeah, it stings a little.  Even though I don’t have any illusions that he would’ve been THE guy.  I couldn’t picture us together long-term, but I was willing to deal with the distance to find out.  The worst part is to have had some semblance of hope restored only to be snuffed back out.

It’s sad that it takes a book for us to realize this!

Be Honest: You're Not That into Him Either - Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve Be Honest: You’re Not That into Him Either – Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve by Ian Kerner

My review: 4 of 5 stars
Any guy who writes a book titled, “She Comes First,” must know what he’s talking about, and that appears to be the case here. It’s kind of sad to admit that a lot of what Kerner discusses in this book is spot on. We have lowered our standards. We do tend to settle for the “in the meantime,” rather than be alone.

Some takeaway quotes:
– What is the point of dating someone if he doesn’t make you feel great?
– What is the point of casual sex if the sex part isn’t any good?
– Dating “in the meantime” is wasted time. Someday is right now. Life is too precious to get stuck in an endless cycle of meantimers who will never, ever wind up with you in the here and now.

If you are this full of yourself, no wonder you’re still single!

The Single Girl's Survival Guide: Secrets for Today's Savvy, Sexy, and Independent Woman The Single Girl’s Survival Guide: Secrets for Today’s Savvy, Sexy, and Independent Woman by Imogen Lloyd Webber

My rating: 1 of 5 stars
It’s books like these that continue to propagate the game-playing aspect so prevalent in the dating scene. Here’s a novel idea: if you like someone, let them know. If you don’t, do likewise. Why does everything have to be so cat-and-mouse and underhanded? I’ll be single forever if I have to stoop to Webber’s methods of finding a significant other.

I was better off being ambivalent.

Aside from the tiniest flicker of hope in the back of my mind, I think I’d all but given up on the idea of finding someone to spend my life with.  I’ve been focusing more on trying to take care of myself and making myself happy.  And then this funny, country boy voice from the past made itself known to me via facebook, instant messaging, and then phone calls.  And that made me wonder if certain feelings could have possibly survived the 15-20 years it’s been since he and I shared…time.  We never really dated, but we wanted to.  our timing was off, I was too young, he was one of my brother’s best friends, etc.  We flirted, we exchanged letters, he wrote me poems, we kissed, but never any more than that.  We forged a friendship that endured his marraige and divorce, dating others, hanging out, but always walking a fine line.

Now we’re old enough to make our own decisions and 5 years apart in age isn’t the gap it used to be.  And I decided the drive back to my former hometown for a weekend visit was worth it to find out what, if anything, I might find.  Although I’ve talked myself both sides up and down the situation, I couldn’t help but be happy to see how he still makes me laugh, and how I still have a definite attraction to him.  I thought the feeling was mutual, but now that I am back home in Dallas, I’m not so sure.  I’ve tried to imagine a future with him…sometimes I can, sometimes I can’t.  Just the fact that I’ve thought about it is scary.

He told me he knew “without a doubt we would be good together.”  But now things just feel so…silent.  Maybe I need too much reassurance, but honestly, I’d just like to know where things stand.  He says he’s very interested in seeing where this goes, but I’m not sure if his actions agree with that statement.  He works…a lot.  So I know that when he does have a couple of waking hours off, he has more on his mind than just me (if me at all).  

I don’t know.  I think I opened the door to hope and possibilities a little too quickly.  Perhaps I need to force it closed again.  Uncertainty is a bitch.

It’s nothing like you see on tv.

Alrighty.  Where was I?  Duckie and Forensics were both on their way to my house…

And they both showed up at almost the same time.  The forensics lady walked in with her kit and started dusting for prints and taking pictures of everything.  Duckie and I stood outside for a minute while she was in the living room, then we went in and started looking around.

Clearly, my TV was gone.  There was no doubt about that.  It would be hard to misplace 56” of Samsung glory.  I didn’t really notice anything else missing.  The cabinet doors to the tv cabinet were all open, but there hadn’t been anything much in them to begin with.  My Pee Wee Herman dvds were still there.  😛

After forensics was done in my office, Duckie and I went in there so I could start looking in my files for serial numbers for the tv and computer.  It was such a mess in there already that it was hard to be sure what had been moved and what hadn’t.  I knew my BAMF camera, Samuel L, had been sitting on the desk in front of my monitor when I left that morning.  Earlier, when I discovered that the computer and monitor were gone, I automatically KNEW Samuel L was, too.  While Duckie and I were looking around the room, I noticed the burglars had shoved a bunch of stuff over on my desk, presumably to get the monitor off easier.  I was in complete and utter SHOCK to see my camera shoved to the side with all the other clutter.  THEY DIDN’T TAKE MY BABY!!!  It was a Christmas miracle!  In September.

I had to move some things out of the way on the floor to get to my files.  When I did, I saw a small black rectangle on the floor.  Again, being the crime-show-watching-fool that I am, I didn’t dare touch it.  Instead, I flipped it over with the end of a piece of paper.  It was the USB part of my wireless mouse and keyboard…which was normally inserted into the front of the computer.  Immediately Duckie and I became all excited, knowing that they had to have touched it to pull it out of the computer!  We got the forensics lady to come back in and dust it, but she didn’t seem the slightest bit convinced that she’d find anything.

Apparently she didn’t.  Not there.  Not on the doors, or closets, or any other place that she dusted.  If she did, she didn’t say so, and we never saw her lifting any prints either….assuming we would recognize that if we saw it.  She left shortly afterwards.

I had told the officer about my comings and goings that day…what time I left the house and what time I returned home.  And that there was a tree-cutting truck parked behind my house that morning.  And about the 3 guys that were standing around outside of it.  And that I had to ask them to move when, 30 minutes later, they were still standing around doing nothing and blocking my driveway.  And about the fact that I never leave Loki in his crate while I’m gone…he’s almost always outside in the back yard.  I gave her a description of the truck guys as best I could, but it was pretty generic. 

She got all my information and said a detective would be contacting me within the next day or two.  She said “this area has been getting hit pretty hard lately.  But we’re doing the best we can.”  She told me my best bet was if I could find the serial numbers and hope that the burglars tried to pawn something.  Then she left.  Duckie and I were both pretty disappointed that they didn’t do more.  I was expecting them to take MY fingerprints for comparison.  And to have dusted some of the other items that had clearly been touched.  And to go talk to my neighbors to see if anyone saw or heard anything.  But they didn’t.

Throughout this whole time, my cell phone had been ringing off the wall.  I guess Mom had the best intentions when she posted about my plight on facebook, but I was really not in any position or state of mind to be answering calls from everyone I know checking to see if I was alright.  THANK YOU, all, though for your concern!

Once the police were all gone, another neighbor came over to check on me and find out what happened.  I finally answered a call from my brother, Red Baron, and filled him in on what was happening.  And mostly just tried to calm down.  Duckie kept saying, “It’s just stuff.  At least you’re ok.  The house is fine.  Everything else can be replaced.”  I knew he was right, but I couldn’t stop crying.  Mostly I was just extremely PISSED off (and like my mother, I cry when I’m mad).  I was just so upset that my HOME, the one place where I feel completely comfortable, had been violated.  It didn’t feel like “home” at all anymore. 

Duckie and I started inspecting the back door and pretty much determined that it had been kicked in, near the doorknob.  There was about a 2 foot long split in the wood on the inside frame of the door below that.  He managed to get the door to stay closed with the deadbolt locked.  So at least I could close the house up.  When he got ready to leave, he said I could come stay at his house that night, but I wanted to go through the house more and start trying to clean up the mess.  I was trying to convince myself that I would sleep there, that these fools weren’t going to run me out of my house.  And I figured that, later, if I felt uncomfortable, I’d give V a call, since she lives close by, and see if I could crash at her house.

So Duckie left and I began the process of going through the house and checking to see if anything else was missing.  I started in the office, mainly because I was still trying to find serial numbers.  I cleared off a spot on my desk and started sorting through papers.  I had my work laptop with me and luckily my internet modem was still there and functioning, so I was able to get online and let everyone know I was ok.  And to distract myself from reality for a little while! 

As it started getting dark outside, I started getting less and less comfortable being there.  I had let Loki out and had a minor anxiety attack when I went to open the back door to let him back inside.  Shortly after that, I got a text from Jen, offering me and Loki a room at her hotel.  Apparently she had sent it earlier but to the wrong person.  So I decided I would go ahead and do that.  As I was getting a few things together to take with me, I noticed that one of my small, older digital cameras (aka the little green machine) wasn’t sitting on the shelf of my desk where it normally would be.  I checked all around and couldn’t find it anywhere.  That immediately made me think of my other small (and NEW) camera, Ruby, that was in one of my purses that I had just switched from.  I ran into the living room and found the purse in the chair…empty.  Bastards.  Add two digital cameras to the list.

By this point, around 11pm, I was in almost panic mode trying to get out of the house.  I grabbed my bag and Loki, got in the car, and headed to the hotel…

This used to be a funhouse. Not it’s full of evil clowns.

I finally have a new computer, so I figured now was as good a time as any to fill in some gaps on my blog. 

Most recently, I came home from work to find my home had been burglarized.  Not a good feeling, to say the least.  Since my garage remote has been working intermittently, I have been coming in through my back door.  Last Wednesday, having just gotten home from work and receiving some Netflix dvds in the mail, I was looking forward to coming in, kicking back, and watching one of those movies.

When I went to put the key in the lock of my door, I realized the door was not shut all the way.  Me being the absent-minded fool I have been of late, am racking my brain thinking, “Oh crap.  Did I leave the door open this morning?”  I pushed the door open with one fingertip and immediately saw the brass plate from around the door latch laying on the floor.  To the right of that, Loki was peering up at me from inside his crate with, what I then took to be a guilty expression.  Again, my addled brain is trying to figure out just how in the hell Loki managed to tear up the door from INSIDE his crate.  It was less than a second later that I looked up from Loki to see a big blank wall where my darling 56” Samsung DLP HDTV had previously been.  This is just too much for my mind to process.  Now I’m wondering if, for some unknown reason, perhaps one of my brothers had borrowed my tv for the day.  I know, it makes no sense, but these are the thoughts that flashed in my mind that evening.

While talking loudly to myself (and perhaps, subconsciously, to let anyone who might be in my house hear me), I began to walk towards the hallway to inspect the rest of the house.  The hall closets are both open and contents are spilling out onto the floor.  My guest room door is also open.  As I walk past, I glance into my office and find it to be a cluttered mess…although, it looked like that when I left the house that morning! 

In the guest room, I see the mattress shoved off the bed, the sheets and comforter pulled back, the closet door open, and items scattered all over the floor.  The small 19” tv and dvd player are still there.  I have yet to make sense of all of this.

Then I turn towards my bedroom and see every drawer on my dresser pulled open and items pulled out of the drawers in disarray.  Here, I also find the mattress shoved off and the bedding pulled back.  The light is on in my closet and I turn to take a look.  The door is open, my shoe rack that hangs over the door is falling apart, shoes are scattered everywhere.  I walk into the closet and find stored purses all over the floor, clothes shoved to the sides of the rods.

It is not until this point that my brain finally clicks and I realize someone has broken into my house!  I ran back into the living room and grabbed the phone to call the police.  No dial tone.  My mind is firing on all cylinders now and I immediately realize, if my Vonage phone line is not working, my computer is probably gone also.  So I run back into my office to look more closely.  Sure enough, no monitor and no computer. 

I ended up calling the police from my cell phone.  I held it together just long enough to give them my address and confirm that they were sending someone over.  Then I called my parents.  By the time Mom answered the phone, I was a babbling, hysterical mess.  I had to repeat myself a few times before she was able to make any sense of what I was saying.  I think she said she was going to try and get ahold of my brothers that live near me.  I hung up the phone with her and walked over to one of my neighbors’ houses to see if they had seen or heard anything.  No one answered.  So then I called another neighbor that lives a couple of houses down.  He came over and said he had not seen or heard anything other than the tree-trimming truck that had been in the alley that morning.

My oldest brother, Dilbert, called about that time.  He said he was in Austin, otherwise he would be on his way.  But that he had talked to Duckie, who was half-way home from work and turned around and was currently on his way to my house.

A policewoman showed up shortly after that.  I had to walk her through the house and explain what was missing, what had been moved, etc.  Being the good little crime-show-watching girl that I am, I hadn’t touched anything.  Not even a lightswitch to turn on the lights (I later learned that they are rarely able to get a good print off a lightswitch).  My house was such a cluttered mess already, it was a little embarrassing to have to explain that, “Oh, no, that pile of clothes was already there on the floor.”  But, we got through it.

I explained to her about the Asplundh truck that had been sitting behind my house that morning.  And how I thought it was odd that they were just sitting there for at least 30 minutes not doing anything.  And that I had to wave them down to ask them to move so I could get out of my driveway to go to work.  I also explained that I NEVER leave Loki inside in his crate.  Normally he’s in the backyard, but on this particular day, when I was about to leave for work, Loki went and laid down in his crate.  I didn’t have time to argue, so I figured he wanted to stay in, so I let him.

The forensics person and my brother were now both en route…Stay tuned for:  It’s nothing like you see on tv.

Letter writing and letting go of the past

My counselor gave me the assignment of writing a letter to my ex, aka, Asshole, about a month ago.  I resisted it and came up with every excuse not to write it, because, hell, we broke up more than 8 years ago and I wasn’t willing to admit he had any sort of impact on my life today.

After several weeks of excuses, I finally decided I would write the damn thing and get it over with.  With guidance, I finally understood that it wasn’t about Asshole.  It was about me forgiving myself for staying in that relationship for as long as I did.  And about recognizing the abuse as something I will no longer tolerate.  And about saying goodbye to the past and to stop fearing it and allowing it to keep me from moving forward.

In the process of writing it (typing), a few things came out that surprised me and made me realize that I was still suffering from the past.  All in all, it was a very emotional journey, but I am glad I did it.  The following week I had to read it outloud to my counselor.  And it felt good.  I felt like a load had been lifted off my shoulders.  I wish I’d done it sooner!

I may copy it here in the near future as a way to remind myself of my progress.

I have to stop now because I’m half watching a movie and its distracting me.  So I won’t delve any deeper into this subject right now.  😛

Things to Look Forward To

Sometimes, having something to look forward to is the only thing that keeps me going.  The day-to-day at work and sleep-filled weekends certainly won’t do it.  So, I wanted to take a moment to remind myself of some recently confirmed things coming up that I am excited about.

  1. Stephen Lynch concert this Friday – the guy is freaking hysterical. 
  2. Morrissey concert next Friday – I’ve been in love with this guy since I was about 13.  Age has been kinder to him than it has to me and he still has one of the greatest voices in music.
  3. A vacation day added to a holiday weekend – yep, I’m taking the Monday after Easter off to make it a glorious 4-day weekend.
  4. Girls Getaway Weekend – we missed it in 2008 due to a hurricane, so we’re doing it in May this year.  Added bonus is that we’re doing it over Memorial Day weekend so we get an extra day together to act like the silly girls we are!
  5. Photography Weekend Workshop – I’ve been wanting to sign up for this for the past few years but always managed to miss it.  This year, I’m registered and my friend, Flirt, has decided to join me.  We’ve already got our room booked at the B&B.  So excited!

So there.  Some positives in an otherwise dull existence.  😛

My Horizontal Life (no, not MINE)

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands by Chelsea Handler

My Review:  3 of 5 stars
I found this book to be both hilarious and depressing. It’s part independent-single woman takes charge of her sex life and part sad-pathetic-single woman looking for love in all the wrong orifices. It’s supposed to be a memoir, but at times it felt more like it was trying to force a punchline. Either way, Chelsea delivers a fun, racy, read of her sexual misadventures with this one and proves that she certainly is one of the guys.

Finding out what you don’t want to know

Is it better to know or not know?

In this case, I guess it is better to know so I can just stop it and move on.  I have had a massive crush on my friend, Curly, for years.  Early in our friendship, he made a comment about never dating a smoker, so I immediatey wrote off any chance of anything ever growing out of that friendship.  But it didn’t keep me from thinking he was an amazing guy, who shared a lot of the same values as me.  And maybe because he’s one of the few, seemingly decent, single guys I know, I fixated on him.  I absolutely adore him.  To the point that, tonight, at a bar to see one of his friends play in a cover band, a friend of mine decided to explore the topic with him.

Apparently we get along and have a lot in common, but it’s stricly platonic.  It stings a little, but at least I can finally just let it go.

The Facebook Phenomenon

I believe I’ve mentioned before that I am addicted to facebook.  In recent months, a number of old high school friends have joined and I am having a blast reconnecting with some of them.  I don’t remember who started it, but there is now an abundance of our old school days photos being uploaded there and it’s great to reminisce. 

In a lot of ways, I miss who I was back then.  I miss my independent spirit.  I miss my devil-may-care attitude.  I miss the feeling of being totally, head-over-heels for someone.  I miss trusting people and having close friends that I could talk to about anything.  I miss being so open and unguarded.  And I totally miss that body!!  What the hell happened to that girl?!  I know she’s buried in here somewhere, under many layers of fat and abuse and self-doubt that have accumulated over the past 15 years. 

I’m not one to make New Years’ resolutions, but this year, I’d like to try and find that girl again, dust her off, and let her shine.  Even just a little bit.

Before I forget…

Friday night, Barbie and I managed to get out of the house for a bit.  We went to a small local bar not far from where I live for a few (ok, more than a few) drinks. 

Within 15 minutes of being there, an older man walked up to Barbie and said, “You’re hotter than Georgia asphalt!”  Now, I have never been to Georgia, so I can’t attest to the level of heat of said asphalt there, but that didn’t keep us from falling out of our chairs with laughter.

Good times.

I must be in a funk…

because I just am really not liking people in general right now.  Even some of my friends are grinding on my nerves.  I don’t know what my problem is.  I think I’m drowning in insecurities or something. 

I mentioned my crush in my last post.  Something I’ve had for awhile, with someone I’ve known for awhile (since 2002-ish) but wouldn’t allow to surface previously because of a conversation once where he indicated he didn’t want kids and wouldn’t date a smoker.  So I wrote him off immediately, but deep down, was still seriously digging him.  To make this easier, from now on I will just refer to him as Crush (although he has been mentioned previously in this blog under a different pseudonym).

One of my friends that I met a couple of years ago (early 2005?) met him and decided she liked him.  For current purposes, I will refer to her as Diva (although she has also been mentioned here previously as a different name).  Me, trying to be a good friend, and because I knew Crush well, decided to just ask him point blank if he was interested in her.  So I’d know whether or not to encourage her.  He quite quickly and emphatically responded NO.  So I tried to subtly steer her away from him.

In her narcissim, and because she asked him, she has concluded that he only likes skinny blondes with big boobs (while she is skinny, she’s brunette and smaller-chested).  I guess his sarcasm was lost on her.  But she reminds us all, including Crush, of this anytime the opportunity arises.  And yet, at any gathering he shows up for, she still flirts with him.  Still.

This past weekend, I hosted a game night at my house and Crush came.  Diva showed up later as well.  We were about to play a game.  I was sitting next to Crush on the couch and Diva was across the table from us and she immediately exclaimed that she and Crush should be partners.  I told her partners had to sit next to each other for this game because we had to share cards.  “Oh, ok.” was her deflated response.

As the night wore on and games changed and people shifted about, I had gone into the kitchen for something and the second I was up, she pounced on the couch next to Crush.  The next thing I know she’s re-enacting a scene on a recent flight where some lady was laying on the guy next to her.  Then she stretched out on the couch and had her feet up near Crush’s lap.

I don’t know why, but it absolutely enraged me.  Of course, I have never told her about my feelings for Crush.  Because I figure she would only tell me how far I was from his type, since she thinks she has him pegged so well.  I never told her about my conversation with him and his lack of interest in her.  I just let her reach her own conclusion,  but damn.  Give it up already.  Fuck.

I just can’t throw myself at someone like that.  Not that she’s really throwing herself at him, but it comes across that way to me.  Well, actually a couple of other people at the party mentioned it later, but anyway.  Those few people also know about my feelings, so they are just being supportive.  lol

The thing is, I love Diva.   I accept that she is flirty and I love her for it most days.  It’s just because it is Crush that she always focuses on when he is around…it drives me crazy.

Plus, I just feel so defeated.  I can’t compete with skinny people.  I can’t compete with non-smokers.  I can’t compete with flirty people.  It’s just not me.  Granted, Crush and I have been flirty with each other for years, but on a completely different, much more subtle level.  Winks here and there, odd smirks across the room, exchanged glances.  Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part.  I don’t think so though.  But I’ve always accepted it more as a part of our friendship, not interest on his part.

Ugh.  I don’t know.  I think I just need to focus on getting myself back to a place where I’m happy with myself.  Then maybe good things will follow.

I suck at this!

So here is the question I pose to you:

Say you’ve been friends with this guy for several years and have always liked and respected him.  Not to mention he cracks you up.  He helped you move and paint your house…And NOW, years later, you find yourself with a serious crush on him.  WTF do you do?!

The thing is, I don’t see this person very often, and much less often than in previous years.  I always kind of thought he was cute, but just thought he was too much older and set in his ways for me.  But now, 4-years later, the age gap doesn’t seem as big.  And his dry sense of humor is like spanish fly to me.  And hell, I’ve probably become more of a homebody than he is in that time.

I’ve confessed to only a very small handful of people and more than half of them has replied, “But HE has always had a crush on you!!!”  Honestly, I think they are just saying that to give me some guts to explore this possibility.  Plus, I was almost 60 lbs lighter then.  While I’ve joined a gym in an effort to correct that, I haven’t been going anything remotely like “regularly.”

Add to that the fact that I had one of my nervous breakdown crying fits with him back when I was in the deepest throes of my depression.  And I boohooed to him over Mazzy.  Oh, and there’s the time I blurted out, while drinking, about the time he and XYZ got it on.  Did I mention that he was sitting right beside me at the time and apparently that wasn’t common knowledge?

I am so clueless.  And doomed to remain single at this rate.

Disillusioned

The past few weeks have really given me a new perspective on friendships and relationships.  I’m not a confrontational person.  I avoid it whenever possible in favor of trying to be the peacemaker.  And, apparently, I expect too much from people, particularly those I call friends.

I never expected a friend to take advantage of me and use my name in a public forum to give himself some sort of credibility.  And ultimately, include my name in a lie.  A partial truth does not make it true.  That friendship is sadly over.  I have been devastated by it, but finally came to accept that that is not a friendship I’m willing to fight to keep.  Especially when one side cannot accept any responsibility and only point fingers elsewhere.

I never expected friends to so harshly criticize another one of my friends TO me.  Over and over.  You don’t have to have the same friends as me, that’s fine.  But to take every opportunity to talk badly about someone that you KNOW I am friends with, and then to act all indignant when I am “overly-defensive” about it…I just don’t get that.  If it was you people were badmouthing, you’d certainly expect me to defend you.  And I have.

Guess what?  I don’t like some of your friends either, but I’d never try to point out all their faults to you because I respect our friendship.  And because it’s not my business.  This one has been eating away at me for 2 days, can you tell? 

 See, when in the moment, I rarely react.  I don’t cause a scene.  I bite my tongue.  I try to keep the peace.  Then it festers inside me and I want to just explode at that person.  But the rational side of me says, don’t do that…you’ll say something you’ll regret.  So in the end, I feel like a doormat.  And THAT pisses me off even more.

And then to top it all off, I feel like I am surrounded by infidelity lately.  Real or imagined.  Attempted or acted upon.  Online or in person.  I’m just sickened by all of it.  And so disappointed. 

While I try not to judge, it is yet another thing that is forcing me to re-examine some of my friendships.  In one scenario, I want to beat the offending party to a pulp, because that friend broke my (closer) friend’s heart.  And yet, in another, where my friend is the offender, I want be there for them.  And in a third, I want to cease interactions with both parties.  Is it the difference in the “level” of indiscretion that makes me react differently?  Is it the length of my friendship with them that effects my feelings towards it?  Am I a hypocrite?  What is wrong with people?!?!

Again, perhaps my expectations in all relationships are too high.  And perhaps this is why I haven’t found someone to share my own life with.  And perhaps I never will.  And that depresses me.

Another step closer to crazy

Dang it. I did it again. I wrote an entire entry, detailing my new (old) cameras, the events of the weekend, etc. I remember it quite clearly.

Only I didn’t. I dreamed it apparently. Freaking odd, this is.

Anyway, here’s a summary:

I received my other cameras last week and have named them all now. The Kodak is Dee (duaflex II). The Spartus Full-Vue (120mm) is Sparticus. And the Fotex toy camera (35mm) is Foxy. I loaded up Sparticus, Foxy, and the ever-trusty Samuel L Friday evening and headed out to the City Park in Farmers Branch. I was planning to go watch the Frozen Waffles game later that night so figured I’d go early and snap some photos at the park nearby. Only I miscalculated how much daylight I had left and ended up at the StarCenter almost a full hour early.

Turns out quite a few of us decided to show up and watch the game that night. What was supposed to be a laid-back, non-drinkfest kind of night evolved pretty quickly. Maybe those $1 shots at the StarCenter are to blame. Either way, we all loaded up and headed a little further west to meet my brother at a bar near his house so we could shoot pool. It was a fun night, but certainly became a drinkfest. I think Red and I had a shot with every round. Breakfast at IHOP so we could sober up, then I went with Duckie and crashed at his place so I wouldn’t have to drive home. It was a good night though. I love hanging out with my brother and we don’t do it nearly as often as we should.

This weekend is the girls’ getaway. I’m excited to see everyone and catch up. And my girl, Barbie, is joining us this year as well as AggieR, who couldn’t make it last year. Wheeee! Should be good times. I’m leaving work at noon on Friday and I’m not putting make up on again until Monday morning.

I was hoping to get the roll from Sparticus developed before now so I could confirm whether or not the camera is actually functioning as it should. Not to mention, get an idea of just what the set shutter speed and fixed aperture is. But since I didn’t make it by BWC in time, I’m not going to risk blowing another roll.

Instead, I’m bringing Dee with me. I got my re-rolled 620 film I ordered today. For those that don’t know (and likely don’t care), they don’t produce 620 film anymore. It is essentially the same as 120 film, the difference being the spool. So you re-roll 120 film onto a 620 spool. I went ahead and ordered a few rolls to get me started. Now I’ll have some extra 620 spools and, when I get a little braver, will go lock myself in the bathroom and try my hand at rolling my own.

Lots of meetings tomorrow, which means I’ll have to make sure I get my ass into the office. Wish me luck.

No! No!! No!!!

Dammit all to hell. My wishful thinking that it was just a hallucination failed me. As if I wasn’t having enough issues with sleeping, this certainly won’t help matters any. I found inarguable proof tonight in my pantry.

I’m having flashbacks to terrible, awful, horrifying memories of living in the trailer. I’m scared to reach for anything in my pantry. I have reverted to stomping through the kitchen, turning on all the lights, and banging on the walls as I approach.

I have a mouse (I prefer to think of it in the singular) in my house. Angry