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Showing how funky and strong is your fight

Saturday, August 11th, 2007

Happy hour last night was a blast! Obnoxious, crazy, drunken, yes. But fun nonetheless. There was sushi, cheap cheap drinks, crying, dolphins, cherry passing, dousings, moonwalking, Cafe Brazil, 3 people in my bed at 3am (a gay man and a married woman….lol), a drive across town at 4am, coffee and Whataburger at 5am. What could ever top that??

I have strange bruises all over me, and am running on about 3 hours of sleep. After Mexigoalie gets done with his game tonight, we’re making the hour and a half drive out to Dilbert’s. Duckie and my niece headed out there earlier today, so we’ll get to see the new house all moved in and visit with my family for a day. Should be good times.

Guess I’ll sleep tomorrow night.

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Hey, it’s good to be back home again!

Wednesday, August 1st, 2007

Holy hell, that was a long trip. I took 3 vacation days and spent 2 of them in an airport. Literally spent ALL day Friday and ALL day Tuesday in one airport or another, being shuffled around from flight to flight, location to location, in an effort to get to my destination. Luckily Mom & Dad ended up in Austin with me after my first flight on Friday. Two full flights there so we were sent to LA to catch a flight into Vegas from there. Four flights later we finally made it on one and made our way into Vegas. Looooong day.

The wedding on Saturday was nice. Interesting to see how the herd the procession of weddings through the chapel. In and out. Bring on the next one. Everything in Vegas is about raking in a dollar I suppose.

Afterwards we went to the Hard Rock Cafe for the reception. That was a fun night. Just sillyness, a few drinks, and visiting with family. Afterwards, my niece’s girls came back with us to the hotel to swim and play for awhile.

Sunday, she and her new hubby came and spent the afternoon with us before getting ready to head out on their honeymoon. That night, we headed to the South Point Casino that was right next door to where we stayed. I got more than a little lucky on a Triple Diamond slot and hit the big jackpot….on one coin, playing 50 cents because I was cheap. But I’ll take it! Dad ended up winning $900 that night…after all his complaining about gambling. lol

We were going to go out to the strip that night, but Dilbert ended up finding a poker tournament and I was tired enough to skip it, figuring we still had one more night and could go Monday.

Barry and fam headed out Monday while Dad and I made the trip to Hoover Dam since I’d never been. It was pretty amazing and I took a ton of pictures, but DAMN it was HOT! I had no idea we’d be there that long. After sweating in the heat and walking for miles, we got back to the hotel around 5:30pm, planning to take showers and then head to the strip.

Not exactly how it happened. It was after 8pm before we got motivated and moving enough to go find the trolley stop. That ended up being more hassle than it was worth. We only ended up having about an hour on the strip before having to find our way back to the trolley before the service ended.

So, I saw mostly the same parts of the strip that I’d already seen before. We rode to Harrah’s and dropped Mom off there to play for awhile since she can’t do all that walking. Then Dad and I wandered up to the Venetian so I could see it (it was being built the last time I was there). A whole lot of buildup for nothing, if you ask me. A beautiful facade with no purpose. Then we crossed the street and headed back past Treasure Island, The Mirage, and Ceasar’s Palace. Met Mom, caught the shuttle, and headed back towards our hotel. I ended up getting off at South Point because I wanted to play a little more before we left the next day. Should’ve just gone to the hotel….that was a bust and left me getting only about 2 hours of sleep before the return to the airport marathon.

Tuesday we were at the airport by 8am CT to catch the flight to San Antonio, which was full. So they shipped us off to Phoenix then to Tulsa then a 2-hour wait to catch a flight for me to Dallas and for Mom & Dad to get back to Houston. Mom and Dad caught their flight. I did not, but was a definite for the next flight…2 more hours later. So I went out through security to sit outside and smoke for awhile, then came back in and got lunch and a (monster!) drink from TGI Fridays. Made my way back to the gate only to find out that the 6:35pm flight had been cancelled. Growl. So then I was moved to the 8pm flight . The last one of the night from there. And it was delayed until 9:40pm. I finally made it to my house at a quarter til midnight last night. What a day.

I was just completely exhausted and ended up sleeping most of today. Guess I’m using another 8 hours of vacation time for that. It was nice to see everyone, but it’s good to be home.

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I believe it’s time for me to fly!

Friday, July 27th, 2007

Well, I managed to stay up. Granted, I had some help in the form of online messages, but here I am at almost 6am, downing some coffee and getting ready to head to the airport.

I’m going to go witness and celebrate my oldest niece’s wedding, and spend time with some of my family…a happy time. My niece is marrying the father of her first child and I hope that they can make a good life out of it. But I can’t help but feel sad that the marraige of someone I love infinitely is in jeopardy. Know that my phone works no matter what state I’m in.

Wish me luck getting on a flight!

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Here I go again on my own.

Wednesday, July 25th, 2007

It’s nice to have a pilot for a brother and the opportunity to get free passes from time to time. Not so nice is the whole idea of flying standby at the bottom of the totem pole. I just listed for my flight to Vegas on Friday. None of the flights look great, so I’m going to have to just be there for the earliest one and keep my fingers crossed. Being at the airport by 6:45am is going to suck navel lint. I’m predicting no sleep the night before since me waking up at that ungodly hour is essentially out of the question.

I’m bringing some books with me, so if I ended up sitting in various airports all day, I’ll have something to keep me entertained. I’m psyching myself up to take it in stride. As long as I actually get into Vegas on Friday, all will be well.

The wedding is Saturday afternoon and I still don’t have a clue what to wear. I have some thoughts, but need to just bite the bullet and start trying things on from my closet…which will only serve to upset me, but it has to be done.

Hopefully Mom will be more recovered from her surgery and feel well enough to get out and about some on Sunday and Monday. She wants to go to the Red Rock where I had all my slot machine success last time. And of course, I want to visit the strip since I missed it last time. Who knows what Dad will want to do….play golf probably. Only I doubt he’s bringing his clubs since they’re doing the flight passes as well and won’t want to check luggage.

Lately I keep forgetting to take my medicine and boy is it making me weird. I need an alarm or something. Probably not helping with my work right now either. I’ve been just awful this week about going into the office. Not smart considering I’m about to be out for 3 days.

Posted in Mental Health, Sleep, or the Lack Thereof, The Written Word, We Are Family | No Comments »

Everybody’s looking for something.

Thursday, July 19th, 2007

I crashed after work for almost an hour this evening. Normally, I’d consider a nap to be a tiny slice of heaven, but today’s was filled with a completely bizarre dream. I actually remember a quite a bit of it, which is unusual in itself.

Apparently I was having a party at my house, only it wasn’t really my house. And lots of people I know in real life were there. And some that I don’t know. One guy was already shitfaced when he arrived and was yelling and falling down and just being generally obnoxious. And everyone else seemed to think it was the greatest thing ever, but I was seriously annoyed. Then he knocked a bunch of vases and framed photos off a shelf and everything broke and I blew up and told him to get out of my house. Suddenly I was the bad guy for making him leave.

So I ended up going to my room (also not really my room) to try and calm down and determine if I was over-reacting and why everyone was being so crazy. And it turns out another guy and his girlfriend are in my bathroom. She is laying in the bathtub and he’s coloring her hair and there is hair color all over the carpet, the tile, the walls, everywhere. I start to ask what the hell they are doing and then Duckie walks in. I tell him about crazy guy, he says yeah, that was messed up and I did the right thing kicking him out. And then some of Duckie’s friends are there and apparently now Doug lives with me and has a waterbed. Anyway, he makes some joke that one of his friends takes offense to and they get into a verbal spat and the friends take off.

Then I’m in some big loft like room, which apparently is now my living room, and people are literally tearing my house apart. They’ve scribbled on the walls, the tv, the glass of all my frames, the furniture, everywhere with those big fat sharpies and one of them is urinating on my couch. I’m beyond livid and can’t make any words come out of my mouth. All I can hear is my own voice screaming at everyone inside of my head.

Then this gush of water comes tsunami-ing out of, what I presume was, Duckie’s room. Apparently his friends, in their drunken rage, decided to slash his waterbed before they took off. And suddenly everyone is laughing, loud, slow-motion cackling that I can see but not hear, and making more drinks like this is all perfectly ok. And it’s like I am not even there. So I leave my own house and go driving around for awhile.

I come back, all my friends have left, Duckie is sitting on a chair that has a leg broken off (yet isn’t tipping over) and the house literally looks like a tornado tore through the middle of it. Everything is ruined. And I find some strange woman going through my cds and dvds and taking quite a few, claiming they are hers.

Somehow now, my house is a weird version of the trailer I used to live in, only the floorplan is reversed and I have neighbors who are all standing outside, staring at me through the back wall of the trailer, which is completely ripped open. Then Red is there and hands me my camera. And my mom is telling me everything will be ok. That these things can all be replaced. And good riddance to people who would destroy me (my home?). That people shouldn’t pretend they know more than they really do. And that families are forever.

Weird, I tell you. I can’t get it out of my head.

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Posted in At Home, Friends, Mental Health, Randomonium, Sleep, or the Lack Thereof | No Comments »

Saturday in the park

Monday, July 16th, 2007

Oh wait. That was Sunday.

Although it completely wiped me out, I have to say, this past weekend was the best I’ve had in AGES! It started off rough because of my sleepless Thursday night. Then my sis-in-law and nephew stayed the night Friday, so I had fun visiting with them. I should have collapsed that night, but instead, I got about 5 hours of sleep.

Saturday was kind of lazy. I called off all my errands and opted to do some laundry and squeeze in a nap before the mad dash to color my hair and get ready to go out. Red and I headed to a surprise birthday party which was mucho funo. Got to hang with some good friends and enjoy some really good food. Mmmm fajitas!

From there, we hit a local bar and took over a pool table. Met some cool guys who tried not to be too embarrassed by the beating we gave ‘em. One was a hockey fan, so that was a bonus. And I think they all eventually ended up admitting they’d do Mike Modano. Took turns buying shots. Drank entirely too much. Came home and crashed (after confirmation that Red made it home).

Somehow in the midst of that I had the good sense to check in with Mexigoalie and Zany and confirm our plans to meet up on Sunday. At noon. I’ll be honest…I fell asleep on the couch in my clothes Saturday night at a little before 4am. Woke up at 11 in a panic, had a quick whore’s bath, and ran out the door for Fair Park in the same clothes (I know, ewww).

I’d never been to any of the musuems out there, so it was pretty cool to get to see them all for free. I am not convinced I’d ever pay money to attend any of them again though. Especially not the Railroad Musuem. That was just lame.

The Discovery Gardens were my favorite. I wish we could have been there in morning or evening rather than the harsh afternoon light, but they didn’t even open until 1pm so that wasn’t really an option anyway.

It was ridiculously hot with very little shade and I was sweating BUCKETS (of alcohol….bleh). But it was fun. I thought I was clever for bringing some bottled water, but Zany was genius enough to pack snacks and juice drinks for her boys and kind enough to include extras for Mexigoalie and me, too!

Heat and exhausted-ness aside, it was still a great day and I had fun taking photos. Would’ve been some great Holga shots, but I was too blechk to be digging in my bag and juggling multiple cameras.

Funniest part of the day was Zany’s younger kiddo running through the giant fountain! I was sooo jealous. That looked like it felt damn good! And he was dry within an hour or so. lol

We were out of there by 5 or so. I picked up some dinner on the way home, had a shower (oops, sunburned!), and laid around and watched movies the rest of the night. Saw III was so disturbingly gross, but I have to admit, a damned good addition to the now trilogy.

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I’m tired and I, I want to go to bed.

Saturday, July 14th, 2007

I had big plans today. A haircut, some shopping at Kohl’s, fresh haircolor, and a night out with Red.

Now, after the all-nighter followed by a semi-sleepless night, I’m opting for a nap and forgoing most of the previously established plans. Otherwise I’ll never make it to the night out part. And after being house-bound for weeks, that’s just not acceptable. As for the shopping, I’ve been frumpy this long, what’s one more week. Hopefully there will still be time for some color though…I’m beyond overdue and nothing cheers me up quite like Brilliant Bordeaux.

Posted in At Home, Just the Girls, Sleep, or the Lack Thereof | No Comments »

Good game, good friends, sad news.

Tuesday, November 21st, 2006

I got to go to another Stars game tonight, only my 2nd of the regular season, which is just sad and another story all-together. I got to see my boys beat the despicable Avs, which is always a good thing. And I got to catchup a bit and have a few drinks with Flirt & Mr. Red during and afterwards, which was a great and much-needed thing. And I got to visit briefly with some other friends, who are both going through a difficult time, which is not so much of a good thing.

It’s a mix of happiness and sadness all rolled into one. I have so many thoughts about what has happened, but nothing I want to blog about right now. Just know that I am concerned and wish I’d been a better friend lately, although I know that wouldn’t change anything.

It’s difficult to talk generically about this, so I’ll just move on.

I’m heading to Sam Rayburn later this week to spend time with my family for Thanksgiving. My oldest brother, Dilbert, from San Diego, and his family flew in and are there at his lake house so we will be celebrating the holiday there this year. Middle brother, Red Baron, will be flying so it doesn’t sound like we’ll get to see him or his family, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to spend time with the rest of my family. Duckie even gets to bring his daughter this year and she will get to meet her San Diego cousins for the first time!

As it stands right now, I’ll be leaving Mazzy with my parents and not getting her back until I’m in Beaumont for Christmas. I’m having major panic and concerns over that but don’t want to get into that particular topic right now either. There’s a slight chance that my work travel in December may be cancelled, so I’m hoping I can get confirmation on that one way or the other before I give up my dog for a month.

Oh. And you people go ahead thinking I can’t keep a secret! The ones I’ve told are just the tip of the iceberg. Otherwise, I’m a vault, so you shut your filthy mouth!

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Catching up with 2 of my brothers

Thursday, July 27th, 2006

My brother, Red Baron, was in town yesterday for his annual check flight.  So when he called me up offering dinner, who was I to say no?  Given the mood I’ve been in, had anyone else asked, I would’ve politely declined.  But I don’t get to see the Baron very often…except on trips to Beaumont.  And those are always spent trying to play catchup with everyone so it leaves little time for more lengthy, individual conversations.

I went and picked the Baron up from his hotel and then we met my other brother, Duckie, at a nearby restaurant.  Red Baron was joking that he should come up more often because it was pretty obvious that Duckie and I had catching up to do as well.  It’s funny, but really kind of sad.  I mean, Duckie does live within 30 minutes of me (if the flow of traffic cooperates), but we don’t see a lot of each other.  We have good intentions at times, but life gets in the way I guess.

Anyway, it was great to spend a few hours with the both of them.  I love my family!  Even though we aren’t always the best at staying in touch, I feel really fortunate to have the family that I do. 

I see that the testing app server bounce is complete, so back to work I go…

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I ran. I ran so far away.

Saturday, July 15th, 2006

Well happy hour was loads of fun!  Of course, any time you involve these people, fruity beverages, and Scene It, it’s impossible to not have fun.  I figured people would start to leave well before midnight.  As it turned out, we were ordering pizza around that time!  Wheeeee!  And KC left enough Smirnoff in my fridge for TWO more happy hours. 

I managed to make it up in time for Miss Hut’s shower this morning, even with the feelings of exhaustion and malaise.  But despite my best efforts, I still ended up being late because I got the directions all screwed up.  Averaging 5-6 hours of sleep a night for a few weeks will do that to you.  That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!  The shower was really nice and Miss Hut was fun to watch opening her gifts.  She was so excited about everything!

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I felt a little “outside” the group.  Maybe it’s because I haven’t been around much lately.  Or maybe I’m just making myself feel that way.  Self-ostracizing or something.  A lot of the girls who weren’t really that close before seem to have paired off and become the best of friends now.  Yay for them, I guess.  It’s just weird to see how much things have changed in a matter of a month.  Or maybe they haven’t really changed at all and it’s just something you can only see once you’ve been distanced from it.  I’m not making any sense.  Nevermind.

I stopped by Wolf Camera on my way home to, finally, drop off some film from two of the lomolitos and two regular rolls.  I don’t even know what all is going to be on them since they got shot over the course of a couple of months.  I know the rest of the BotB pictures are on some of them.

While I was there, I had to wander over to visit my baby, the Nikon D70S.  Since I wasn’t feeling too well, I was just going to look at it longingly for a minute or two (that has become my ritual) and then head home.  Yet, before I was even aware of what I was doing and could stop myself, there I was, standing at the counter with no other customers in sight, and I ended up asking the sales guy if I could take a look at it.

I should really stop tormenting myself.  I try to not to have physical contact with the camera very often because I know the temptation is more than I can bear.  I WANT THAT CAMERA!!!  This was, purposefully, only the 2nd time I’ve held an untethered D70 in my hands.  And it was also the closest I’ve come to taking it home with me.  Thankfully, another customer had some questions, so I told the sales guy, who has acommodated my D70 lust and no-touching rule a few times before,  he could go help them and let me play with the camera for abit (and drool over it). 

While checking out the various program modes, testing the autofocus vs manual, figuring out the digital controls for aperture, shutter speed, even ISO, and generally just checking this badboy out, I had convinced myself to finally go ahead buy it since they were offering 10 months no interest.   I was all giddy with excitement!  Then somehow, clearer thoughts prevailed and I forced myself to set the camera down and do some realistic thinking.  Rough calculations in my head indicated, on a 10-month financing deal, I’d have to shell out about $130 a month to pay it off. 

My bubble burst.  I went from feeling elated to depressed in the span of about 5 minutes.  I don’t have an extra hundred bucks a month right now.  And I won’t any time soon.  Sigh.  When I go back Monday to pick up my film, I will not even glance in the direction of the cameras.  Not the next time either.  Not until I know I’m ready for it. 

I know one thing to be true:  The next time I stand at a retail counter and allow myself to wrap my hands around the hefty digital goodness that is the D70, I will buy it.  It will be mine.  Oh yes, it will be mine.

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Posted in Friends, Photography | No Comments »

Why did I agree to this?

Thursday, July 13th, 2006

I’ve been promising to do a happy hour on “this side” of town for awhile now for me and some of my nearby friends.  Some of which have still yet to see my “new” house, which I’ve been in for almost 2 years now.  So I agreed to host a happy hour tomorrow at my house.

My house is a WRECK.  I like to blame the 14-hour days I’ve been working, but it was a mess before that, too.  It’s just REALLY bad right now.  I should be running around cleaning, but I’m not.  I’ll try to leave work a little early tomorrow so I can come home and run the vacuum and swiffer the wood floors at least.  I predict everything else will get stuffed in a drawer or closet.

This isn’t the “usual” happy hour bunch.  It’s a few blunt, no BS, call-it-like-they-see it women.  Which is just part of what makes them fun.  I invited a few others, including Mexigoalie, Nala, and Rockstar.  And Curly.  So I get a message from him today indicating he might be a little late and leave a little early because of some messages 2 of these women have been sending him, in jest, but still.  Apparently they are trying to get him to “hook up” with one of them, who is in a long-term relationship.  And they flirt endlessly with him.  And he is sooo uncomfortable about it because A) they are both married in one sense or another and B) he’s not interested.  Of course, he’s too nice to just SAY that to them.

So, he asked if I would invite Mr & Mrs Dubya, too.  Since I’m pretty sure they aren’t going to the other happy hour thing in Ft Worth….which might as well be New Mexico it’s so far away!  Mrs Dubya is pregnant.  And half the group that will be here smokes.  Which means, out of respect for her and the baby, we’ll go outside to smoke.  I know it’s petty for me to say, but it is HOT outside and I still haven’t gotten an umbrella for my patio furniture.  Not sure if they are coming or not yet.  Anyway, the point is, it should definitely be an interesting mix of people.  I’m hoping for a drama-free night…we’ll see.

Oh.  And I get to go to Miss Hut’s bridal shower at 11am on Saturday.  I don’t get up by 11am on a normal Saturday, much less after having people over the night before.  I’ll have to set about 5 alarms to make sure I’m up early enough to run by Target and pick something up from her registry.

I finally finished the last season of QAF last weekend, too.  It rocked.  I cried.  I’ll miss those silly queers.

Anyway, nothing exciting or interesting to blog about….just checking in.  I’m still alive, but just barely. 

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My very own Spartans!

Sunday, July 9th, 2006

Mexigoalie & Rockstar came over around 10 last night to show me his new truck and hangout for awhile. I was kind of against the idea at first as I have been in crazy-work-anitsocial mode lately.  Plus I’d already put my PJs on.  But I relented and I’m glad I did.

It turned into an all-night drunkfest, dress-up, slumberless party.  First they tried out my old cheerleader uniforms, then Mexigoalie did his best Blanche Dubois impression, wearing a full length formal belle of the ball prom dress.  I seriously can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard.  The battery in my digital camera died after about 1 picture, but boy have I got some film to be developed now!!

I didn’t even know how badly I needed that, but it felt great to let loose and laugh and completely forget all the hassles of work for awhile.  You both rock and will forever be my favorite cheerleaders! 

I am feeling every bit my age and then some today.  Oy.  After sleeping until almost 3pm (it was about 6am before we finally crashed), I have done nothing but lay around and watch movies and read.  And I needed that, too.

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Posted in Friends, Mental Health | No Comments »

Zut alors!

Friday, June 30th, 2006

Well it is official.  I’m going to miss Cat’s big 4th of July bash at the lake for the first time.  It sucks and I’m bummed about it. 

But, I’ve got to keep my job.  And since this is MY project, it’s not like I can run away for the weekend and put it off any longer.  Testing starts, worldwide, on Monday, whether I’m ready for it or not.  So I’ll spend the weekend making damn sure I’m ready.

I dug my hole.  I made my bed.  I had my cake.  However you want to say it, it’s poor time management skills on my part, mixed with a little too much faith in others.  There has just been entirely too much going on lately.  Hell, I’ve had the first 2 discs of the final season of QAF here since Tuesday and haven’t even been able to touch them.  That’s just…wrong.

I’m hopeful I’ll at least find some time to drive over to downtown Garland Saturday evening for one of the 3-part city of Garland celebrations.  Might be some good photo ops there with the little street fair going on and such.  And, of course, there’s that nighttime Plaza Theatre shot I want still.

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Posted in Friends, It's a Paycheck | No Comments »

Coming up for air

Tuesday, June 27th, 2006

The hockey game went spectacularly this weekend!  Seeing everyone have such a great time and knowing what we’ve accomplished with this event makes it all worthwhile.  Still waiting on a few invoices, but best estimate, I’d say we raised close to what we raised last year.  I don’t think we beat it though, but that’s ok.  It’s still going to be a great donation!

As much fun as it was…I am glad to have that (mostly) behind me.

We start testing for our October upgrade next week.  And I’m still scrambling to get test cases finished and ready to go.  These next several months are going to be rough, no doubt about that. 

I’m supposed to go out to the lake this weekend for Cat’s annual 4th of July bash.  I was only planning to stay one night…can’t leave Mazzy here by herself any longer than that.  Plus I have too much work to do.  So much so that I’m not even sure if I’m going to make it to the lake or not.  I need a day off and, as much as I love all the people that will be there, I could really use some down time this weekend.  I’ll have to work part of it anyway.  Although I don’t get to see Cat very often and it’s a lot of fun, so I’ll feel guilty if I don’t go.

I also know the past 2 years I’ve been battling bronchitis around this time.  I’m beginning to think it’s from stress…..letting myself get so run down.  So considering all the stuff leading up to and after the game to be done, plus all this stuff for our upgrade at work….I’m beginning to think that staying home might be better for my health.  I can’t afford to be sick right now.

Oh yeah….at the afterparty Saturday, I discovered, completely by surprise, ANOTHER person who Dr H used to do the phone sex thing with.  I wanted to vomit.  It’s bad enough that I was “with” someone that I had no attraction to, but now…..I’m so completely revolted by these other experiences….and WHO.  Just yuck.  And that just reinforces the idea that there are plenty of others.  And all of this while he was on-again-off-again with his ex.  And was pissy with her for having an online personal.  Whatthefuckever.

He and I haven’t talked much lately.  Mostly, I think, because I haven’t been online much.  Too much going on and haven’t had a spare minute.  And I think he’s been pretty busy with his job, too.  But also because I think he’s pulled his head out of his ass and stopped trying to turn us into an item of some sort.  I’m still pissed off when I think about how he was trying to do my thinking for me and tell me what I was feeling.  For him to tell ME that the only time MY “true” feelings come out is when I’m drinking?!?!  Yet, when referring to a friend of his, he easily admits that alcohol blurs your judgment.  I wanted to point that out so badly, but I didn’t.  He sees what he wants to see I guess.

The things I say in my head vs what I say in reality are just all screwed up.  I used to have no filter, but because he’s been my friend all this time, I can’t say anything.  Because when I get irritated to that extent, whatever I say won’t be pretty.  So I bite my tongue.  And then it festers.

It’s weird actually.  i was talking to a friend this weekend and the subject came up and it got me thinking.  Honestly, if I had met him first in person originally, we would’ve never been friends.  At least not close ones.  And certainly not done anything else.  I would’ve thought, well, he seems nice, but not somebody I’d hang out with on a regular basis.

Despite what everyone always likes to insist in these situations, he is NOT the same in person as online.   Personally, and I told him this a long time ago, I don’t think ANYONE can be the same in person.  Because when you’re talking online, or even on the phone, you establish an IDEA of what the person is like.  And that IDEA is not based in reality, it’s based on your (limited) experience with that person.  A tiny window into that person’s world.  Just as I’m sure if you met me, I wouldn’t be what you expected either.  It’s no one’s fault.  It just is.

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Won’t you please, please help me?

Sunday, June 18th, 2006

I love Mexigoalie.  He and Nala came over after his game tonight and Mexigoalie has spent the last 5+ hours sitting here helping me write bios for the program.  Tomorrow we’ll start on the ads.  Mr & Mrs Dubya are supposed to come by for a bit, too, so hopefully we’ll have this knocked out by tomorrow afternoon.  Then I can get started on projects for work that I needed to have completed long before now. 

Oh, and Sharla, I’ve tried the free beer and pizza thing before.  It always just turns into a social hour where nothing really gets done.  The less the merrier in this case! 

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HELP is a 4-letter word.

Saturday, June 17th, 2006

And like love, shit, or fuck, you shouldn’t say it unless you really mean it!

For the past several months, people have been saying, in reference to our charity game coming up next week, to me, “If you need any help, let me know,” or “I’d be happy to help.” 

So, realizing that, with work the way it has been, I can’t do it all by myself, what did I do?  I asked for help.  I told people what they could do to help.  We came up with ideas to bring in more money and various people volunteered to do various things in relation to that.  So meanwhile, I worked on other things that needed to be done for both the event and my job.

Apparently, when people say such things, what they really mean is, “Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.  And if it is something I want to do, I will.  Otherwise, I’ll just keep asking you to let me know if you need any help.”

What the fuck good does it do to have planning meetings and the like if none of the things talked about ever get done?  If you can’t do it, or have no plans to, DON’T SAY YOU WILL!

This is why I have a problem delegating, both in my personal and professional life.  It’s far easier to know ahead of time that I need to do something and work it into my schedule than to think someone else is taking care of it, only to find out at the last minute that I’m still going to have to do it!  

I’m overly bitchy about this right now because, to top things off, while I was sitting in front of the computer until 3am last night working on stuff for the game, everyone else was at a happy hour that I was not even made unaware of.  I guess they knew I would be busy.  Ugh. 

Sometimes I am tempted to just say screw it and let the whole thing go to shit.  But I’m really proud of this event and want it to continue to be successful.  So I suck it up and do what needs to be done…At the expense of my personal life, my job, and my sanity.

Thankfully some relief is on the way.  Mexigoalie offered to come stay the night and help me with the programs.  We’ve got just over 36 hours to come up with bios and funny ads and such and I’m running out of things to pull out of my ass.  Two others have offered to come over for a little while tomorrow afternoon as well, so I’m grateful for that.

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Welcome home, Mazzy!

Thursday, June 8th, 2006

We picked Mazzy up from the vet around 5pm yesterday.  When they brought her around the corner, all bandaged up and wobbly-walking, I was crying all over again.  I was soooo happy to see her up and moving, even if it was with much effort.  After our (my) emotional reunion, she couldn’t wait to get out of there.  So much so that she, against my trying to guide her the other way, walked into the glass window next to the door. 

Poor baby was still all groggy from the anesthesia and couldn’t really see yet.  I think the only reason she knew me at first was from my voice.  Her eyes were all bugged out and she just had this dazed look.   We managed to get her up into the van and then Mom joined me in crying.  Said I ought to go in there and kiss that vet!!  I would have if he’d come out with her, but as it was, I just wanted to get her home and comfortable.

I have to bring her back tomorrow afternoon to have the drain removed.  Getting her into my car is going to be a challenge.  She has a hard time anyway because of arthritis in her back right leg.  And right now, both her little legs are having a hard time supporting her.  She has some pain medicine that I’m giving her right now, but after reading the info on it, it seems to be more for arthritis than anything. 

She mostly slept last night after we got her home, which was to be expected.  She was still drugged and pretty much out of it.  Around 11pm, she got up and walked around a little so I took her outside to see if she needed to pee.  She didn’t, and walked back to the door so I let her back in and she laid back on her rug.  She wasn’t drinking any water, which they also said she might not want.  But I kept putting a little on my finger and running it around her mouth just in case she got a “taste” for it.  I gave her a few spoonfuls of canned dog food on a plate and she cleaned it off in seconds, so at least she had an appetite.  Considering she hadn’t eaten since 8pm the previous night, I wasn’t surprised by that.  :P  

She didn’t seem up for the walk back to my room.   So I figured I’d sleep on the couch.  Around 1am she sat up and was looking around.  I could tell she was still having a hard time focusing and getting her bearings, so I moved over to the chaise and pulled it parallel to her rug so I could keep an eye on her.  And so she could see that she wasn’t alone.  She finally laid back down and slept for awhile.

This morning she got up, with some encouragement, and went outside to go potty.  That made me feel better.  Then I gave her some food and her medicine and she cleaned her bowl.  Again, makes me feel better.  :)   About an hour later she finally drank some water.

Mom & Dad left around 10am.  I am so grateful they were here with me during all of this.  I don’t think I could’ve handled it on my own.  It’s been a rough few days. 

Mazzy has been resting mostly this afternoon, but I’ve gotten her up and walking around every once in awhile just so she won’t get too stiff and to see how she’s doing.  She’s looking much perkier today.  Even been wagging her tail a little bit.  That makes my heart smile.

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This is my trying to remain calm.

Tuesday, June 6th, 2006

I took Mazzy to the vet this morning.  The verdict?  She has a mammory tumor.  And the size, odd shape, hardness, and speed with which it appeared made the vet think there is a good chance it is cancerous.  Either way, it has to be removed.  If not, he said it would ulcerize (sp?) and could potentially spread.  He said typically this type of tumor likes to spread to the lungs.  She hasn’t been coughing or lethargic (any more so than normal atleast…lol), so those were good signs.

Because of her age, the surgery is pretty risky.  He did a chest xray to make sure her lungs looked clear, otherwise it was probably too late.  Thankfully it all looked good.  He didn’t see any signs of potentially cancerous areas….except one tiny spot that was a MAYBE, but the fact that it was the only one made him think not.  He also did bloodwork on her to make sure all her counts were normal.  If not, again, might not be good to do the surgery at this point. 

He also said I should consider whether or not I want them to spay her while she is under.  Explained the increased risk of uterus cancer and infection at her age.  Also explained the negative aspects as well.

The one thing he said that is stuck in my mind is that one of two things will happen after surgery.  “She’ll either wake up or she won’t.” 

Luckily my parents are here visiting right now so Mom went with me.  Her being the nurse, she could ask the right questions and better understand some of what the vet was saying.  Me, all I could do was cry.

Apparently the vet just lost his dog to a very similar lump that had spread.  And his dog was only 7 years old.  Mazzy is 12.  And the average lifespan for dogs is 12-14 years.  So he says I should be happy that she has lived a long life.  But that doesn’t make me feel any better about the situation. 

About 40 minutes after we got home, the vet called to say that Mazzy’s bloodwork looked good.  So we’re bringing her in between 7:30 and 8:30 tomorrow morning.  He said they should be all done by around noon and that, if everything goes well, she’d be able to come home afterwards.

Please let my baby girl make it through this. 

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And you failed to mention this…why?!?!

Sunday, June 4th, 2006

I talked to Dr H last night and told him about my freak-out-worry situation over my (12-yr old) dog.  To which he responds, “Oh, but that’s been there.”

Excuse me?  WHAT?!

Apparently he noticed it when he was here a couple of weeks ago.  And he assumed I already knew about it.  Yeah, because I’m the type of person who is perfectly ok with the fact that my baby girl has a fooking tennis ball growing out of her chest.  Growl. 

I feel horrible that it has been there this long and I am just now finding it.  I’m not a belly-rubber.  And when she is laying around the house, it’s not really visible unless you are looking for it.  When she stands, her rib cage bows out anyway so between that and her fur, it’s not that obvious either.  But run your hand down her belly and you’ll encounter this gigantic THING hanging down.

I just don’t understand how he could NOT say ANY thing about it.  Even if he thought I knew, I’d think he would’ve been like, “Wow!  What IS that?”  Something. 

I don’t know if I’m being irrational or not but I am PISSED OFF that he didn’t say anything. 

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About damn time

Wednesday, May 24th, 2006

I had company this weekend, so no time to blog.  Then, thanks to the reliability that is blogdrive, on two seperate occasions I sat down to create an entry and the damn site wouldn’t load.  Grrr.  So now, I’m behind again.  I hate when that happens because my entries turn into a novel-length rambling mess.So Dr Honeydew came back to town last Friday.  All I can say is, “What was I thinking?!”  Why did I even entertain the thought that there might be something more there after feeling just the opposite after our first “meeting”??  I think the whole vacation bliss was in effect in San Diego.  That plus the wine plus the jazz band.  I was putty.

After spending the weekend in intermittent bouts of silence with him,  I can honestly, and with conviction, say that I have ZERO interest in this guy as anything more than a friend.  Don’t get me wrong….we had fun at times.  But mostly, everything we did, I could’ve done by myself and been just as entertained.  I’ve never in my life sat through dinners or lunch that were soooo…..quiet.  For three days, that’s what it felt like.  And after awhile, I gave up on trying to start conversation and amused myself by making up conversations for other people (in my head, of course).  I kept thinking, we talk all the time online or on the phone.  What’s the deal?  But then I realized, most of the time, that’s me talking.  And I’m tired of talking about everything and nothing just to not have to sit there silently and pretend like that is perfectly normal.

I’m being harsh…but only because the more I thought about it, the more annoyed I became.  I’ve gotten myself good and wound up about it now so I’m not being rational or kind.  I’m venting.  Take it as such…..

Mainly I’m annoyed with myself because I went the less confrontational route.  I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but, at least a dozen times I wanted to yell, “Do you have ANYTHING to talk about?!?!”  That coupled with being made to feel like a guest in my own fucking house.  I don’t need you up my ass making dinner together.  Turned into him making dinner.  We’re not a fucking couple.  I don’t need help loading the dishwasher.  And I sure as hell don’t need you standing there staring at me while I do it.  Sure, he’s nice.  Sure, he’s a good friend.  But that’s all we will ever be.  I am not convinced he’s grasped that yet though.   You’d think that since the only times I’m ever physical with him are after lots of drinks and in the dark would be a clue.  But no, according to him, that’s just my true feelings coming out.  In vino veritas, my ass.

We went out to the Wildflower Festival Saturday and I got to see part of Jonny Lang’s show, which was cool.  But it was so freaking hot and there was no shade anywhere near the stage, so we didn’t stay long.  Got semi-dressed up after that and went to dinner and then Humperdinks.  I can’t name one single conversation that we had the entire night…because there wasn’t one.  Just stupid shit like, “how’s your eye?” or “how’s your food?”  I wasn’t miserable or anything, because I can do as Depeche Mode suggests and “Enjoy the Silence.”  But then for him to say what a great time he had with me…..I’m just stunned. 

And what happened that night just reaffirmed everything I have been thinking since the beginning.  Sure, the first time he was here we had a lot more sex.  But what can I say…it had been awhile and I was drunk and horny.  This time, one night.  And that was enough.  I just can’t make myself get into him.  Especially knowing that he thinks we should be together.  He is a decent kisser though.

Oh!  And then Sunday we ended up going to shoot pool  We had a deal that the loser was buying.  And since he had paid for every damn thing all weekend, including stuff for my house (that’s just creepy to me), I was determined to pay for our drinks and pool.  So, while not purposefully losing, I certainly didn’t make any attempt to win either for the first several games.  After being down 3 games to 0, I figured I could redeem myself a little.  Later we were tied at 4 games each and I said we had to play one more because we couldn’t end in a tie.  And what does he do?  He tells the damned waitress to put our tab on his card.  I’m like, NOOOO!  We had a deal.  That pissed me off.  And of course, I ended up losing that game because I was too pissed to shoot the last couple of shots.  He kept saying, “It’s no big deal,” but to me it was. 

Ugh.  I feel guilty just typing this now.  Knowing me, I’ll probably edit it later to tone it down some.  Why do I get so wrapped up in not hurting someone else’s feelings that I completely ignore my own?

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