Category Archives: Friends

We use to be so close together.

Reasons I am an idiot:

Walking around all day in the sun without a drop of sunscreen on. When will I learn?

The roundup was fun today. It was neat watching them cook everything. MrsDrillTeam and I got to sample some of the leftovers and thought they were yummy. The sourdough rolls I could eat for days. The chicken fried steak was super tender and crispy. Just yum. AggieGirl said that was the worst they’ve ever done. :( If that was bad, I can’t wait to taste good! She can blame me…she was too worried I was going to get a picture of her ass to concentrate on the cooking! Nicole and I have decided we are more than willing to drive out to Glen Rose and let them cook for us! I haven’t had a chance to download the pics yet, but I hope I got some good ones for them, especially considering…

As fun as today was, a dark cloud hung over me to the point of nausea. It was all I could do to try not to think about it. When I pulled Samuel L out of my bag this morning to get batteries and such ready, I discovered she (yes, she) was badly injured. Her side was gaping open on the bottom corner. WTF?!?! Thirty minutes of panic and tears and much foul language, along with a tiny screwdriver and pleas to the camera gods, I managed to get the piece back in place and had my fingers crossed that I’d mended her. I was running late by this point, so scooped everything up and, with my heart in my stomach, took off for McKinney.

When I got to the roundup and started to take pictures, I realized that wasn’t her only injury. Autofocus: not functioning. Manual focus: barely functioning. The absolute only thing that makes sense is that she was dropped at some point, landed on her edge, and jammed the lens. FURIOUS ANGRY THOUGHTS.

Back to the reasons I am an idiot:

I will NEVER EVER EVER bring her to a happy hour again. While I cannot confirm that this is when it happened, it was the last time I used her and the first time I noticed the time had reset. I don’t know what happened. As far as I’m concerned, I may have done it myself. I know better. She’s not a toy and shouldn’t be passed from hand to hand anyway. Sober Daisy would NEVER allow that.

I stopped at Best Buy on the way back. Thank God I bought the extended warranty!! The manufacturer’s warranty ended a few weeks ago. The shitty part is, they have to ship her off for repairs. And it will be roughly a week and a half before I get her back. That was such a hard decision to make. I’m going to New York for the first time ever next week. And to Tucson the following week. The idea of facing either without Samuel L in hand seriously majorly upsets me. But I figured maybe, just maybe, she’ll be back before Tucson if I get things started now.

So I left Best Buy with my camera bag empty and a lump in my throat. And yeah, there were tears. Screw you if you can’t understand!

Get well soon, Samuel L.

The Man in the Box

Wheeee! The first of my 3 ebay-purchased cameras arrived today (Kodak Duaflex II)! It looks to be in very good condition and the film advance, shutter release, and lenses all look to be in good working order. It’s a box camera produced in the 1950s with a large reflex finder with hood, fixed-focus lens, and single speed shutter (plus bulb exposure). I’m only bummed because I thought I had a roll of 620 film around here somewhere but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

I’ll have to get online and order some from B&H this week so that, hopefully, I’ll have it in time for the girls weekend with my high school friends. Surely there are some scenes that would lend themselves nicely to this format in Spicewood.

He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich.

Note to self: Next time you decide to let your brother take you for a ride in his boat on a 100+ degree day, without a cloud in the sky, even if it is just a quick ride, WEAR SUNSCREEN for crying out loud!!! It’s a wonder I didn’t spontaneously combust.

Was a fun time though. And now Mexigoalie can finally stop asking, “Who the &^%# is Dilbert?!?!”

Their new house is pretty darn sweet. It will be nicer to visit once the weather cools down a bit. 100 degree days just aren’t my bag, baby.

Oh! Speaking of bags. Or pouches. Whatever. I saw my very first, up close and personal kangaroo! TWO of them! In freaking Emory, Texas. Who’d have guessed that?! They were so freaking cute! One was about 3 years old and the other was just over a year old. And they shared a yard with two boxers. I kept wanting the dogs to chase them just to see those roos take off, but the dogs apparently know better. It was fun to see them hop around though. The kangaroos, that is. Not the boxers.

Interesting discussion with the boss this week. A little disconcerting and certainly has me wondering….and, ok, a little bit worried, even though I was told not to be. The not knowing what it all means exactly is going to drive me crazy, but I’m going to take him at his word when he says I’m in demand.

Tomorrow (later today) is the Artists’ Reception for the On My Own Time Art Show at work. We get to pick up our artwork and the winners will be announced. I think the first place in each category goes to the city-wide show at North Park.

Having been one of the volunteers to collect and store the art on drop off day, I have no illusions of winning. Based on what I’ve seen of the others, and of previous years’ winners, the safe, generic, technically correct images seem to be the preference (oh that was tacky of me). And that’s just not me. And I saw a lot of really great entries. But I’m happy to have put something out there. This is the first art show I’ve submitted anything to since I’ve been in Dallas. That’s just silly.

The new flickr group is going well so far. We are doing our first assignment this week, due on Saturday, which is Self Portraits (darn you, Flirt). I haven’t a clue what I’m doing for that yet. But I’m glad to have the excuse to play with Samuel L this weekend.

Showing how funky and strong is your fight

Happy hour last night was a blast! Obnoxious, crazy, drunken, yes. But fun nonetheless. There was sushi, cheap cheap drinks, crying, dolphins, cherry passing, dousings, moonwalking, Cafe Brazil, 3 people in my bed at 3am (a gay man and a married woman….lol), a drive across town at 4am, coffee and Whataburger at 5am. What could ever top that??

I have strange bruises all over me, and am running on about 3 hours of sleep. After Mexigoalie gets done with his game tonight, we’re making the hour and a half drive out to Dilbert’s. Duckie and my niece headed out there earlier today, so we’ll get to see the new house all moved in and visit with my family for a day. Should be good times.

Guess I’ll sleep tomorrow night.

Everybody’s looking for something.

I crashed after work for almost an hour this evening. Normally, I’d consider a nap to be a tiny slice of heaven, but today’s was filled with a completely bizarre dream. I actually remember a quite a bit of it, which is unusual in itself.

Apparently I was having a party at my house, only it wasn’t really my house. And lots of people I know in real life were there. And some that I don’t know. One guy was already shitfaced when he arrived and was yelling and falling down and just being generally obnoxious. And everyone else seemed to think it was the greatest thing ever, but I was seriously annoyed. Then he knocked a bunch of vases and framed photos off a shelf and everything broke and I blew up and told him to get out of my house. Suddenly I was the bad guy for making him leave.

So I ended up going to my room (also not really my room) to try and calm down and determine if I was over-reacting and why everyone was being so crazy. And it turns out another guy and his girlfriend are in my bathroom. She is laying in the bathtub and he’s coloring her hair and there is hair color all over the carpet, the tile, the walls, everywhere. I start to ask what the hell they are doing and then Duckie walks in. I tell him about crazy guy, he says yeah, that was messed up and I did the right thing kicking him out. And then some of Duckie’s friends are there and apparently now Doug lives with me and has a waterbed. Anyway, he makes some joke that one of his friends takes offense to and they get into a verbal spat and the friends take off.

Then I’m in some big loft like room, which apparently is now my living room, and people are literally tearing my house apart. They’ve scribbled on the walls, the tv, the glass of all my frames, the furniture, everywhere with those big fat sharpies and one of them is urinating on my couch. I’m beyond livid and can’t make any words come out of my mouth. All I can hear is my own voice screaming at everyone inside of my head.

Then this gush of water comes tsunami-ing out of, what I presume was, Duckie’s room. Apparently his friends, in their drunken rage, decided to slash his waterbed before they took off. And suddenly everyone is laughing, loud, slow-motion cackling that I can see but not hear, and making more drinks like this is all perfectly ok. And it’s like I am not even there. So I leave my own house and go driving around for awhile.

I come back, all my friends have left, Duckie is sitting on a chair that has a leg broken off (yet isn’t tipping over) and the house literally looks like a tornado tore through the middle of it. Everything is ruined. And I find some strange woman going through my cds and dvds and taking quite a few, claiming they are hers.

Somehow now, my house is a weird version of the trailer I used to live in, only the floorplan is reversed and I have neighbors who are all standing outside, staring at me through the back wall of the trailer, which is completely ripped open. Then Red is there and hands me my camera. And my mom is telling me everything will be ok. That these things can all be replaced. And good riddance to people who would destroy me (my home?). That people shouldn’t pretend they know more than they really do. And that families are forever.

Weird, I tell you. I can’t get it out of my head.

Saturday in the park

Oh wait. That was Sunday.

Although it completely wiped me out, I have to say, this past weekend was the best I’ve had in AGES! It started off rough because of my sleepless Thursday night. Then my sis-in-law and nephew stayed the night Friday, so I had fun visiting with them. I should have collapsed that night, but instead, I got about 5 hours of sleep.

Saturday was kind of lazy. I called off all my errands and opted to do some laundry and squeeze in a nap before the mad dash to color my hair and get ready to go out. Red and I headed to a surprise birthday party which was mucho funo. Got to hang with some good friends and enjoy some really good food. Mmmm fajitas!

From there, we hit a local bar and took over a pool table. Met some cool guys who tried not to be too embarrassed by the beating we gave ’em. One was a hockey fan, so that was a bonus. And I think they all eventually ended up admitting they’d do Mike Modano. Took turns buying shots. Drank entirely too much. Came home and crashed (after confirmation that Red made it home).

Somehow in the midst of that I had the good sense to check in with Mexigoalie and Zany and confirm our plans to meet up on Sunday. At noon. I’ll be honest…I fell asleep on the couch in my clothes Saturday night at a little before 4am. Woke up at 11 in a panic, had a quick whore’s bath, and ran out the door for Fair Park in the same clothes (I know, ewww).

I’d never been to any of the musuems out there, so it was pretty cool to get to see them all for free. I am not convinced I’d ever pay money to attend any of them again though. Especially not the Railroad Musuem. That was just lame.

The Discovery Gardens were my favorite. I wish we could have been there in morning or evening rather than the harsh afternoon light, but they didn’t even open until 1pm so that wasn’t really an option anyway.

It was ridiculously hot with very little shade and I was sweating BUCKETS (of alcohol….bleh). But it was fun. I thought I was clever for bringing some bottled water, but Zany was genius enough to pack snacks and juice drinks for her boys and kind enough to include extras for Mexigoalie and me, too!

Heat and exhausted-ness aside, it was still a great day and I had fun taking photos. Would’ve been some great Holga shots, but I was too blechk to be digging in my bag and juggling multiple cameras.

Funniest part of the day was Zany’s younger kiddo running through the giant fountain! I was sooo jealous. That looked like it felt damn good! And he was dry within an hour or so. lol

We were out of there by 5 or so. I picked up some dinner on the way home, had a shower (oops, sunburned!), and laid around and watched movies the rest of the night. Saw III was so disturbingly gross, but I have to admit, a damned good addition to the now trilogy.

Good game, good friends, sad news.

I got to go to another Stars game tonight, only my 2nd of the regular season, which is just sad and another story all-together. I got to see my boys beat the despicable Avs, which is always a good thing. And I got to catchup a bit and have a few drinks with Flirt & Mr. Red during and afterwards, which was a great and much-needed thing. And I got to visit briefly with some other friends, who are both going through a difficult time, which is not so much of a good thing.

It’s a mix of happiness and sadness all rolled into one. I have so many thoughts about what has happened, but nothing I want to blog about right now. Just know that I am concerned and wish I’d been a better friend lately, although I know that wouldn’t change anything.

It’s difficult to talk generically about this, so I’ll just move on.

I’m heading to Sam Rayburn later this week to spend time with my family for Thanksgiving. My oldest brother, Dilbert, from San Diego, and his family flew in and are there at his lake house so we will be celebrating the holiday there this year. Middle brother, Red Baron, will be flying so it doesn’t sound like we’ll get to see him or his family, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to spend time with the rest of my family. Duckie even gets to bring his daughter this year and she will get to meet her San Diego cousins for the first time!

As it stands right now, I’ll be leaving Mazzy with my parents and not getting her back until I’m in Beaumont for Christmas. I’m having major panic and concerns over that but don’t want to get into that particular topic right now either. There’s a slight chance that my work travel in December may be cancelled, so I’m hoping I can get confirmation on that one way or the other before I give up my dog for a month.

Oh. And you people go ahead thinking I can’t keep a secret! The ones I’ve told are just the tip of the iceberg. Otherwise, I’m a vault, so you shut your filthy mouth!

I ran. I ran so far away.

Well happy hour was loads of fun!  Of course, any time you involve these people, fruity beverages, and Scene It, it’s impossible to not have fun.  I figured people would start to leave well before midnight.  As it turned out, we were ordering pizza around that time!  Wheeeee!  And KC left enough Smirnoff in my fridge for TWO more happy hours. 

I managed to make it up in time for Miss Hut’s shower this morning, even with the feelings of exhaustion and malaise.  But despite my best efforts, I still ended up being late because I got the directions all screwed up.  Averaging 5-6 hours of sleep a night for a few weeks will do that to you.  That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!  The shower was really nice and Miss Hut was fun to watch opening her gifts.  She was so excited about everything!

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I felt a little “outside” the group.  Maybe it’s because I haven’t been around much lately.  Or maybe I’m just making myself feel that way.  Self-ostracizing or something.  A lot of the girls who weren’t really that close before seem to have paired off and become the best of friends now.  Yay for them, I guess.  It’s just weird to see how much things have changed in a matter of a month.  Or maybe they haven’t really changed at all and it’s just something you can only see once you’ve been distanced from it.  I’m not making any sense.  Nevermind.

I stopped by Wolf Camera on my way home to, finally, drop off some film from two of the lomolitos and two regular rolls.  I don’t even know what all is going to be on them since they got shot over the course of a couple of months.  I know the rest of the BotB pictures are on some of them.

While I was there, I had to wander over to visit my baby, the Nikon D70S.  Since I wasn’t feeling too well, I was just going to look at it longingly for a minute or two (that has become my ritual) and then head home.  Yet, before I was even aware of what I was doing and could stop myself, there I was, standing at the counter with no other customers in sight, and I ended up asking the sales guy if I could take a look at it.

I should really stop tormenting myself.  I try to not to have physical contact with the camera very often because I know the temptation is more than I can bear.  I WANT THAT CAMERA!!!  This was, purposefully, only the 2nd time I’ve held an untethered D70 in my hands.  And it was also the closest I’ve come to taking it home with me.  Thankfully, another customer had some questions, so I told the sales guy, who has acommodated my D70 lust and no-touching rule a few times before,  he could go help them and let me play with the camera for abit (and drool over it). 

While checking out the various program modes, testing the autofocus vs manual, figuring out the digital controls for aperture, shutter speed, even ISO, and generally just checking this badboy out, I had convinced myself to finally go ahead buy it since they were offering 10 months no interest.   I was all giddy with excitement!  Then somehow, clearer thoughts prevailed and I forced myself to set the camera down and do some realistic thinking.  Rough calculations in my head indicated, on a 10-month financing deal, I’d have to shell out about $130 a month to pay it off. 

My bubble burst.  I went from feeling elated to depressed in the span of about 5 minutes.  I don’t have an extra hundred bucks a month right now.  And I won’t any time soon.  Sigh.  When I go back Monday to pick up my film, I will not even glance in the direction of the cameras.  Not the next time either.  Not until I know I’m ready for it. 

I know one thing to be true:  The next time I stand at a retail counter and allow myself to wrap my hands around the hefty digital goodness that is the D70, I will buy it.  It will be mine.  Oh yes, it will be mine.

Why did I agree to this?

I’ve been promising to do a happy hour on “this side” of town for awhile now for me and some of my nearby friends.  Some of which have still yet to see my “new” house, which I’ve been in for almost 2 years now.  So I agreed to host a happy hour tomorrow at my house.

My house is a WRECK.  I like to blame the 14-hour days I’ve been working, but it was a mess before that, too.  It’s just REALLY bad right now.  I should be running around cleaning, but I’m not.  I’ll try to leave work a little early tomorrow so I can come home and run the vacuum and swiffer the wood floors at least.  I predict everything else will get stuffed in a drawer or closet.

This isn’t the “usual” happy hour bunch.  It’s a few blunt, no BS, call-it-like-they-see it women.  Which is just part of what makes them fun.  I invited a few others, including Mexigoalie, Nala, and Rockstar.  And Curly.  So I get a message from him today indicating he might be a little late and leave a little early because of some messages 2 of these women have been sending him, in jest, but still.  Apparently they are trying to get him to “hook up” with one of them, who is in a long-term relationship.  And they flirt endlessly with him.  And he is sooo uncomfortable about it because A) they are both married in one sense or another and B) he’s not interested.  Of course, he’s too nice to just SAY that to them.

So, he asked if I would invite Mr & Mrs Dubya, too.  Since I’m pretty sure they aren’t going to the other happy hour thing in Ft Worth….which might as well be New Mexico it’s so far away!  Mrs Dubya is pregnant.  And half the group that will be here smokes.  Which means, out of respect for her and the baby, we’ll go outside to smoke.  I know it’s petty for me to say, but it is HOT outside and I still haven’t gotten an umbrella for my patio furniture.  Not sure if they are coming or not yet.  Anyway, the point is, it should definitely be an interesting mix of people.  I’m hoping for a drama-free night…we’ll see.

Oh.  And I get to go to Miss Hut’s bridal shower at 11am on Saturday.  I don’t get up by 11am on a normal Saturday, much less after having people over the night before.  I’ll have to set about 5 alarms to make sure I’m up early enough to run by Target and pick something up from her registry.

I finally finished the last season of QAF last weekend, too.  It rocked.  I cried.  I’ll miss those silly queers.

Anyway, nothing exciting or interesting to blog about….just checking in.  I’m still alive, but just barely. 

My very own Spartans!

Mexigoalie & Rockstar came over around 10 last night to show me his new truck and hangout for awhile. I was kind of against the idea at first as I have been in crazy-work-anitsocial mode lately.  Plus I’d already put my PJs on.  But I relented and I’m glad I did.

It turned into an all-night drunkfest, dress-up, slumberless party.  First they tried out my old cheerleader uniforms, then Mexigoalie did his best Blanche Dubois impression, wearing a full length formal belle of the ball prom dress.  I seriously can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard.  The battery in my digital camera died after about 1 picture, but boy have I got some film to be developed now!!

I didn’t even know how badly I needed that, but it felt great to let loose and laugh and completely forget all the hassles of work for awhile.  You both rock and will forever be my favorite cheerleaders! 

I am feeling every bit my age and then some today.  Oy.  After sleeping until almost 3pm (it was about 6am before we finally crashed), I have done nothing but lay around and watch movies and read.  And I needed that, too.

Zut alors!

Well it is official.  I’m going to miss Cat’s big 4th of July bash at the lake for the first time.  It sucks and I’m bummed about it. 

But, I’ve got to keep my job.  And since this is MY project, it’s not like I can run away for the weekend and put it off any longer.  Testing starts, worldwide, on Monday, whether I’m ready for it or not.  So I’ll spend the weekend making damn sure I’m ready.

I dug my hole.  I made my bed.  I had my cake.  However you want to say it, it’s poor time management skills on my part, mixed with a little too much faith in others.  There has just been entirely too much going on lately.  Hell, I’ve had the first 2 discs of the final season of QAF here since Tuesday and haven’t even been able to touch them.  That’s just…wrong.

I’m hopeful I’ll at least find some time to drive over to downtown Garland Saturday evening for one of the 3-part city of Garland celebrations.  Might be some good photo ops there with the little street fair going on and such.  And, of course, there’s that nighttime Plaza Theatre shot I want still.

Coming up for air

The hockey game went spectacularly this weekend!  Seeing everyone have such a great time and knowing what we’ve accomplished with this event makes it all worthwhile.  Still waiting on a few invoices, but best estimate, I’d say we raised close to what we raised last year.  I don’t think we beat it though, but that’s ok.  It’s still going to be a great donation!

As much fun as it was…I am glad to have that (mostly) behind me.

We start testing for our October upgrade next week.  And I’m still scrambling to get test cases finished and ready to go.  These next several months are going to be rough, no doubt about that. 

I’m supposed to go out to the lake this weekend for Cat’s annual 4th of July bash.  I was only planning to stay one night…can’t leave Mazzy here by herself any longer than that.  Plus I have too much work to do.  So much so that I’m not even sure if I’m going to make it to the lake or not.  I need a day off and, as much as I love all the people that will be there, I could really use some down time this weekend.  I’ll have to work part of it anyway.  Although I don’t get to see Cat very often and it’s a lot of fun, so I’ll feel guilty if I don’t go.

I also know the past 2 years I’ve been battling bronchitis around this time.  I’m beginning to think it’s from stress…..letting myself get so run down.  So considering all the stuff leading up to and after the game to be done, plus all this stuff for our upgrade at work….I’m beginning to think that staying home might be better for my health.  I can’t afford to be sick right now.

Oh yeah….at the afterparty Saturday, I discovered, completely by surprise, ANOTHER person who Dr H used to do the phone sex thing with.  I wanted to vomit.  It’s bad enough that I was “with” someone that I had no attraction to, but now…..I’m so completely revolted by these other experiences….and WHO.  Just yuck.  And that just reinforces the idea that there are plenty of others.  And all of this while he was on-again-off-again with his ex.  And was pissy with her for having an online personal.  Whatthefuckever.

He and I haven’t talked much lately.  Mostly, I think, because I haven’t been online much.  Too much going on and haven’t had a spare minute.  And I think he’s been pretty busy with his job, too.  But also because I think he’s pulled his head out of his ass and stopped trying to turn us into an item of some sort.  I’m still pissed off when I think about how he was trying to do my thinking for me and tell me what I was feeling.  For him to tell ME that the only time MY “true” feelings come out is when I’m drinking?!?!  Yet, when referring to a friend of his, he easily admits that alcohol blurs your judgment.  I wanted to point that out so badly, but I didn’t.  He sees what he wants to see I guess.

The things I say in my head vs what I say in reality are just all screwed up.  I used to have no filter, but because he’s been my friend all this time, I can’t say anything.  Because when I get irritated to that extent, whatever I say won’t be pretty.  So I bite my tongue.  And then it festers.

It’s weird actually.  i was talking to a friend this weekend and the subject came up and it got me thinking.  Honestly, if I had met him first in person originally, we would’ve never been friends.  At least not close ones.  And certainly not done anything else.  I would’ve thought, well, he seems nice, but not somebody I’d hang out with on a regular basis.

Despite what everyone always likes to insist in these situations, he is NOT the same in person as online.   Personally, and I told him this a long time ago, I don’t think ANYONE can be the same in person.  Because when you’re talking online, or even on the phone, you establish an IDEA of what the person is like.  And that IDEA is not based in reality, it’s based on your (limited) experience with that person.  A tiny window into that person’s world.  Just as I’m sure if you met me, I wouldn’t be what you expected either.  It’s no one’s fault.  It just is.

Won’t you please, please help me?

I love Mexigoalie.  He and Nala came over after his game tonight and Mexigoalie has spent the last 5+ hours sitting here helping me write bios for the program.  Tomorrow we’ll start on the ads.  Mr & Mrs Dubya are supposed to come by for a bit, too, so hopefully we’ll have this knocked out by tomorrow afternoon.  Then I can get started on projects for work that I needed to have completed long before now. 

Oh, and Sharla, I’ve tried the free beer and pizza thing before.  It always just turns into a social hour where nothing really gets done.  The less the merrier in this case! 

HELP is a 4-letter word.

And like love, shit, or fuck, you shouldn’t say it unless you really mean it!

For the past several months, people have been saying, in reference to our charity game coming up next week, to me, “If you need any help, let me know,” or “I’d be happy to help.” 

So, realizing that, with work the way it has been, I can’t do it all by myself, what did I do?  I asked for help.  I told people what they could do to help.  We came up with ideas to bring in more money and various people volunteered to do various things in relation to that.  So meanwhile, I worked on other things that needed to be done for both the event and my job.

Apparently, when people say such things, what they really mean is, “Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.  And if it is something I want to do, I will.  Otherwise, I’ll just keep asking you to let me know if you need any help.”

What the fuck good does it do to have planning meetings and the like if none of the things talked about ever get done?  If you can’t do it, or have no plans to, DON’T SAY YOU WILL!

This is why I have a problem delegating, both in my personal and professional life.  It’s far easier to know ahead of time that I need to do something and work it into my schedule than to think someone else is taking care of it, only to find out at the last minute that I’m still going to have to do it!  

I’m overly bitchy about this right now because, to top things off, while I was sitting in front of the computer until 3am last night working on stuff for the game, everyone else was at a happy hour that I was not even made unaware of.  I guess they knew I would be busy.  Ugh. 

Sometimes I am tempted to just say screw it and let the whole thing go to shit.  But I’m really proud of this event and want it to continue to be successful.  So I suck it up and do what needs to be done…At the expense of my personal life, my job, and my sanity.

Thankfully some relief is on the way.  Mexigoalie offered to come stay the night and help me with the programs.  We’ve got just over 36 hours to come up with bios and funny ads and such and I’m running out of things to pull out of my ass.  Two others have offered to come over for a little while tomorrow afternoon as well, so I’m grateful for that.

And you failed to mention this…why?!?!

I talked to Dr H last night and told him about my freak-out-worry situation over my (12-yr old) dog.  To which he responds, “Oh, but that’s been there.”

Excuse me?  WHAT?!

Apparently he noticed it when he was here a couple of weeks ago.  And he assumed I already knew about it.  Yeah, because I’m the type of person who is perfectly ok with the fact that my baby girl has a fooking tennis ball growing out of her chest.  Growl. 

I feel horrible that it has been there this long and I am just now finding it.  I’m not a belly-rubber.  And when she is laying around the house, it’s not really visible unless you are looking for it.  When she stands, her rib cage bows out anyway so between that and her fur, it’s not that obvious either.  But run your hand down her belly and you’ll encounter this gigantic THING hanging down.

I just don’t understand how he could NOT say ANY thing about it.  Even if he thought I knew, I’d think he would’ve been like, “Wow!  What IS that?”  Something. 

I don’t know if I’m being irrational or not but I am PISSED OFF that he didn’t say anything. 

About damn time

I had company this weekend, so no time to blog.  Then, thanks to the reliability that is blogdrive, on two seperate occasions I sat down to create an entry and the damn site wouldn’t load.  Grrr.  So now, I’m behind again.  I hate when that happens because my entries turn into a novel-length rambling mess.So Dr Honeydew came back to town last Friday.  All I can say is, “What was I thinking?!”  Why did I even entertain the thought that there might be something more there after feeling just the opposite after our first “meeting”??  I think the whole vacation bliss was in effect in San Diego.  That plus the wine plus the jazz band.  I was putty.

After spending the weekend in intermittent bouts of silence with him,  I can honestly, and with conviction, say that I have ZERO interest in this guy as anything more than a friend.  Don’t get me wrong….we had fun at times.  But mostly, everything we did, I could’ve done by myself and been just as entertained.  I’ve never in my life sat through dinners or lunch that were soooo…..quiet.  For three days, that’s what it felt like.  And after awhile, I gave up on trying to start conversation and amused myself by making up conversations for other people (in my head, of course).  I kept thinking, we talk all the time online or on the phone.  What’s the deal?  But then I realized, most of the time, that’s me talking.  And I’m tired of talking about everything and nothing just to not have to sit there silently and pretend like that is perfectly normal.

I’m being harsh…but only because the more I thought about it, the more annoyed I became.  I’ve gotten myself good and wound up about it now so I’m not being rational or kind.  I’m venting.  Take it as such…..

Mainly I’m annoyed with myself because I went the less confrontational route.  I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but, at least a dozen times I wanted to yell, “Do you have ANYTHING to talk about?!?!”  That coupled with being made to feel like a guest in my own fucking house.  I don’t need you up my ass making dinner together.  Turned into him making dinner.  We’re not a fucking couple.  I don’t need help loading the dishwasher.  And I sure as hell don’t need you standing there staring at me while I do it.  Sure, he’s nice.  Sure, he’s a good friend.  But that’s all we will ever be.  I am not convinced he’s grasped that yet though.   You’d think that since the only times I’m ever physical with him are after lots of drinks and in the dark would be a clue.  But no, according to him, that’s just my true feelings coming out.  In vino veritas, my ass.

We went out to the Wildflower Festival Saturday and I got to see part of Jonny Lang’s show, which was cool.  But it was so freaking hot and there was no shade anywhere near the stage, so we didn’t stay long.  Got semi-dressed up after that and went to dinner and then Humperdinks.  I can’t name one single conversation that we had the entire night…because there wasn’t one.  Just stupid shit like, “how’s your eye?” or “how’s your food?”  I wasn’t miserable or anything, because I can do as Depeche Mode suggests and “Enjoy the Silence.”  But then for him to say what a great time he had with me…..I’m just stunned. 

And what happened that night just reaffirmed everything I have been thinking since the beginning.  Sure, the first time he was here we had a lot more sex.  But what can I say…it had been awhile and I was drunk and horny.  This time, one night.  And that was enough.  I just can’t make myself get into him.  Especially knowing that he thinks we should be together.  He is a decent kisser though.

Oh!  And then Sunday we ended up going to shoot pool  We had a deal that the loser was buying.  And since he had paid for every damn thing all weekend, including stuff for my house (that’s just creepy to me), I was determined to pay for our drinks and pool.  So, while not purposefully losing, I certainly didn’t make any attempt to win either for the first several games.  After being down 3 games to 0, I figured I could redeem myself a little.  Later we were tied at 4 games each and I said we had to play one more because we couldn’t end in a tie.  And what does he do?  He tells the damned waitress to put our tab on his card.  I’m like, NOOOO!  We had a deal.  That pissed me off.  And of course, I ended up losing that game because I was too pissed to shoot the last couple of shots.  He kept saying, “It’s no big deal,” but to me it was. 

Ugh.  I feel guilty just typing this now.  Knowing me, I’ll probably edit it later to tone it down some.  Why do I get so wrapped up in not hurting someone else’s feelings that I completely ignore my own?

Can men and women really be “just friends”?

So the recent stuff with Dr H and Flirt (and me, too, I guess) has brought this question back in to my mind.  My brother and I used to have this discussion a lot.  I believed it was possible up until my early college years.  Duckie, being a guy, admits that he doesn’t know of any situation in which a guy is just friends with a girl and he doesn’t have some underlying motive.  Or hope.  Or want something from you.

My opinion on it when I was younger was always, of course we can be just friends.  However, in later years, after the first debate with Duckie about it, I see it differently.  Occasionally I think it is possible, but my opinion always comes back around to NO.

I always had a lot of guy friends in school.  And I was convinced that we were just very good friends.  I ignored all the innuendo and very obvious “clues” that were presented to me at the time.  Looking back, there wasn’t a single one of them that wasn’t standing by, being the shoulder to cry on, hoping to get in my pants if and when Psycho and I were on the outs.  And when they had a girlfriend, we suddenly didn’t hangout anymore.  Until one or both of us was presumably single again.

Girls, how many guys have you been friends with for any length of time that don’t fall into one of the following categories?

  • You’ve slept with or dated him
  • You want to sleep with/date him
  • He wants to sleep with/date you
  • He’s gay

It doesn’t happen very often, if at all.  I think we, as girls, like to think male friendships are completely normal and possible.  But talk to most any guy and ask them their opinion.  Odds are, he’s hoping for something more.  What that something is might vary, and he may not even be conscious of it, but I’ve yet to see this not be the case.

I’m not saying this is a good or a bad thing.  Just don’t kid yourself.

Dr H and I will continue to be friends.  And I know that somewhere, in the back of his mind, he still harbors the hope that we will evolve into more than that.  But he’ll meet someone else eventually.  And if and when he does, will he really still value my friendship all that much?  Once he’s “settled down” with someone, I sincerely doubt we’d talk much anymore.

That’s kind of sad that guy/girl friendships work that way.  But they do.  I mean, think about it…if you’re dating/married to some guy and one of his best friends is a girl, would you really be comfortable with that? 

I wouldn’t.  But then my boyfriends have always eventually ended up in bed with those “friends.”  Maybe I’m just jaded.

Exposing DrH – Part I

Ok, so I talked to Dr H about the Flirt situation last night.  I couldn’t NOT talk to him about it any longer.  It was making me bitchy and carrying over into our conversations and, if I’m going to continue being friends with the guy, that just wouldn’t do.

So pretty much as soon as I mentioned the circumstances leading up to what I wanted to talk to him about, his comment was, “Sounds like someone didn’t honor her own request.”  Meaning Flirt made him promise not to tell me and then she did.  I’m sneaky like that though. 

I got to hear his side of the story (no, I didn’t want details, tyvm.  Just the thought of her and him like that makes me vomit a little.) about how it all came about between the two of them.  And that this was somewhere in the neighborhood of 2 years ago.  Before he and I had become such good friends.  That wasn’t what bothered me about it though.  I certainly wasn’t mad at him (or her) for not telling me.  As I said before, really none of my business.  It was more a matter of is this is a thing with him….does he do this often with girls from the internet, etc.  And what did that make me.

Based on the past few years that I’ve “known” him, and talking to him almost daily for the past year, I (mostly) know it wasn’t like that. 

This happening while he was still on/off with his ex….I told him flat out that was disappointing because I never pegged him as a cheater.  He’s not proud of it, but admits his loneliness got the better of him (they lived 90 miles apart and were mostly on the outs by then I guess).  The fact that people (guys) DON’T think that is cheating is beyond me.  I had the same argument with my brother several years ago. 

But a little cybersex is not going to keep me from being his friend.  At least not at this point.  My trust level with him is not what it used to be…and I think he realizes that.  So we’ll just have to see how it goes.  He has been one of my very good friends for awhile now and I can’t imagine that changing.

Festering

First of all, I started tonight.  So yay for that.  Big Smile

Secondly, I alluded to something in an earlier post about some info I unearthed, pieced together, whatever you want to call it, at my mini-house party during Dr H’s visit.  And it didn’t really bother me, which I found to be pretty telling about how I must feel about him.  Short story shorter:  Dr H was having some sort of online/phone sex with someone I know (we’re not close, but friends) about a year ago (maybe more recent, but that’s what I’ve been able to decipher so far).  I don’t know when it stopped, but I do know they still talk occasionally.

Now I find myself, almost 2 weeks later, unable to shake it from my mind.  For a number of reasons.  Let me see if I can pinpoint them:

  1. He has always joked about this person…like, in a bad way.  Like she annoyed him and stuff.
  2. He (truthfully apparently) mentioned this certain thing during a phone call to me awhile back.  We (the friend and I) had just gone out for dinner and drinks with another friend, where I disclosed the turn of events in my relationship with Dr H (prior to his visit).  He said she was IM-ing him and asking him to do her a huuuge favor.  When I asked what it was, he, jokingly, said something about never telling me they had sex….well, it’s online equivalent. 
  3. Because of all of our previous conversations that involved her, I laughed really hard at the idea of that.  I’m sure that was his intent…knowing I wouldn’t take it seriously.
  4. Based on the timeframe when this was happening, he was still supposedly trying to work things out with his now ex.
  5. So much for Mr Devoted.
  6. Supposedly HE was the one instigating it.
  7. He would joke about her being online (at the same time when he and I were IM-ing) and tell me about how she was all drunk and flirty and stuff and all oh save him.
  8. Now it makes me wonder how many other people this has happened with.
  9. Is he some weirdo online perv, like I joked with him about when I first found out he had a webcam?
  10. Seriously….what the fuck?  How did this even start with this person?  Were they exchanging pictures or what?  And did he send her those pictures??
  11. And was he seriously attracted to her??
  12. And if so, was he attracted to her when he actually met her when he was in Dallas?
  13. Ugh.
  14. I can’t talk to him about it because I’m not supposed to know (I have a sick talent for finding out these things) and I am afraid, knowing my tendency to boil over after a time, that I’m going to come out with it in a very uncivilized way.

I hate when my mind wraps itself around something.  I’m like a pitbull in that respect in that I can’t just LET IT GO.  I don’t really give a flying fook that it happened.  It just makes me question how well I really know him.  And how many online “friends” he has.  And the fact that he blatantly misrepresented his relationship with her.  Sure, it’s none of my business, but don’t talk shit about the girl to me either!