So many things have happened in the past month, even the past year, but none of them will ever come close to the devastating loss of my best friend. I know I need to write about it, to preserve my own memories, and perhaps as a way to help exorcise some of this pain.
I’m just not ready to do that yet. I have entirely too much anger in me right now….which turns into guilt, which turns into overwhelming sadness, which turns into anger again.
I was sitting here watching this cheesey movie, and one of the characters asked another if she believed in happy endings. I felt an overwhelming sadness as I realized that I don’t. Not anymore. I’m not even convinced I believe in happiness right now. I think maybe it’s just a myth.
Alrighty. Where was I? Duckie and Forensics were both on their way to my house…
And they both showed up at almost the same time. The forensics lady walked in with her kit and started dusting for prints and taking pictures of everything. Duckie and I stood outside for a minute while she was in the living room, then we went in and started looking around.
Clearly, my TV was gone. There was no doubt about that. It would be hard to misplace 56” of Samsung glory. I didn’t really notice anything else missing. The cabinet doors to the tv cabinet were all open, but there hadn’t been anything much in them to begin with. My Pee Wee Herman dvds were still there. 
After forensics was done in my office, Duckie and I went in there so I could start looking in my files for serial numbers for the tv and computer. It was such a mess in there already that it was hard to be sure what had been moved and what hadn’t. I knew my BAMF camera, Samuel L, had been sitting on the desk in front of my monitor when I left that morning. Earlier, when I discovered that the computer and monitor were gone, I automatically KNEW Samuel L was, too. While Duckie and I were looking around the room, I noticed the burglars had shoved a bunch of stuff over on my desk, presumably to get the monitor off easier. I was in complete and utter SHOCK to see my camera shoved to the side with all the other clutter. THEY DIDN’T TAKE MY BABY!!! It was a Christmas miracle! In September.
I had to move some things out of the way on the floor to get to my files. When I did, I saw a small black rectangle on the floor. Again, being the crime-show-watching-fool that I am, I didn’t dare touch it. Instead, I flipped it over with the end of a piece of paper. It was the USB part of my wireless mouse and keyboard…which was normally inserted into the front of the computer. Immediately Duckie and I became all excited, knowing that they had to have touched it to pull it out of the computer! We got the forensics lady to come back in and dust it, but she didn’t seem the slightest bit convinced that she’d find anything.
Apparently she didn’t. Not there. Not on the doors, or closets, or any other place that she dusted. If she did, she didn’t say so, and we never saw her lifting any prints either….assuming we would recognize that if we saw it. She left shortly afterwards.
I had told the officer about my comings and goings that day…what time I left the house and what time I returned home. And that there was a tree-cutting truck parked behind my house that morning. And about the 3 guys that were standing around outside of it. And that I had to ask them to move when, 30 minutes later, they were still standing around doing nothing and blocking my driveway. And about the fact that I never leave Loki in his crate while I’m gone…he’s almost always outside in the back yard. I gave her a description of the truck guys as best I could, but it was pretty generic.
She got all my information and said a detective would be contacting me within the next day or two. She said “this area has been getting hit pretty hard lately. But we’re doing the best we can.” She told me my best bet was if I could find the serial numbers and hope that the burglars tried to pawn something. Then she left. Duckie and I were both pretty disappointed that they didn’t do more. I was expecting them to take MY fingerprints for comparison. And to have dusted some of the other items that had clearly been touched. And to go talk to my neighbors to see if anyone saw or heard anything. But they didn’t.
Throughout this whole time, my cell phone had been ringing off the wall. I guess Mom had the best intentions when she posted about my plight on facebook, but I was really not in any position or state of mind to be answering calls from everyone I know checking to see if I was alright. THANK YOU, all, though for your concern!
Once the police were all gone, another neighbor came over to check on me and find out what happened. I finally answered a call from my brother, Red Baron, and filled him in on what was happening. And mostly just tried to calm down. Duckie kept saying, “It’s just stuff. At least you’re ok. The house is fine. Everything else can be replaced.” I knew he was right, but I couldn’t stop crying. Mostly I was just extremely PISSED off (and like my mother, I cry when I’m mad). I was just so upset that my HOME, the one place where I feel completely comfortable, had been violated. It didn’t feel like “home” at all anymore.
Duckie and I started inspecting the back door and pretty much determined that it had been kicked in, near the doorknob. There was about a 2 foot long split in the wood on the inside frame of the door below that. He managed to get the door to stay closed with the deadbolt locked. So at least I could close the house up. When he got ready to leave, he said I could come stay at his house that night, but I wanted to go through the house more and start trying to clean up the mess. I was trying to convince myself that I would sleep there, that these fools weren’t going to run me out of my house. And I figured that, later, if I felt uncomfortable, I’d give V a call, since she lives close by, and see if I could crash at her house.
So Duckie left and I began the process of going through the house and checking to see if anything else was missing. I started in the office, mainly because I was still trying to find serial numbers. I cleared off a spot on my desk and started sorting through papers. I had my work laptop with me and luckily my internet modem was still there and functioning, so I was able to get online and let everyone know I was ok. And to distract myself from reality for a little while!
As it started getting dark outside, I started getting less and less comfortable being there. I had let Loki out and had a minor anxiety attack when I went to open the back door to let him back inside. Shortly after that, I got a text from Jen, offering me and Loki a room at her hotel. Apparently she had sent it earlier but to the wrong person. So I decided I would go ahead and do that. As I was getting a few things together to take with me, I noticed that one of my small, older digital cameras (aka the little green machine) wasn’t sitting on the shelf of my desk where it normally would be. I checked all around and couldn’t find it anywhere. That immediately made me think of my other small (and NEW) camera, Ruby, that was in one of my purses that I had just switched from. I ran into the living room and found the purse in the chair…empty. Bastards. Add two digital cameras to the list.
By this point, around 11pm, I was in almost panic mode trying to get out of the house. I grabbed my bag and Loki, got in the car, and headed to the hotel…
My counselor gave me the assignment of writing a letter to my ex, aka, Asshole, about a month ago. I resisted it and came up with every excuse not to write it, because, hell, we broke up more than 8 years ago and I wasn’t willing to admit he had any sort of impact on my life today.
After several weeks of excuses, I finally decided I would write the damn thing and get it over with. With guidance, I finally understood that it wasn’t about Asshole. It was about me forgiving myself for staying in that relationship for as long as I did. And about recognizing the abuse as something I will no longer tolerate. And about saying goodbye to the past and to stop fearing it and allowing it to keep me from moving forward.
In the process of writing it (typing), a few things came out that surprised me and made me realize that I was still suffering from the past. All in all, it was a very emotional journey, but I am glad I did it. The following week I had to read it outloud to my counselor. And it felt good. I felt like a load had been lifted off my shoulders. I wish I’d done it sooner!
I may copy it here in the near future as a way to remind myself of my progress.
I have to stop now because I’m half watching a movie and its distracting me. So I won’t delve any deeper into this subject right now.
Sometimes, having something to look forward to is the only thing that keeps me going. The day-to-day at work and sleep-filled weekends certainly won’t do it. So, I wanted to take a moment to remind myself of some recently confirmed things coming up that I am excited about.
So there. Some positives in an otherwise dull existence.
Last night, what started out as a fun-filled, pool-shooting, shot-drinking night out to celebrate the end of the audit at work, and to catch up with one of my very best friends, turned into complete and utter debauchery. As disgusted as I am with myself over my own transgressions, what I am most upset about is that I allowed my best girl to get caught up in it. For that, I don’t know if I can forgive myself.
In all the years I’ve lived in the Dallas area, yesterday was my first trip to Southlake. I met my friend, Red, there for lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. We’ve both been in a funk and needed to get out of the house, but weren’t up for a full-swing social event with the whole gang. So, it being daylight, I was brave enough to venture down the road less travelled.
The restaurant is located in the Southlake Town Square, which is a nice little area of shops all laid out like a little town of its own, back when streets were lined with shops instead of the giant malls and shopping centers we’re used to today. Not exactly square though, don’t let the name deceive you. It’s similar to what they have recently built in Garland at the Firewheel Town Center. It’s a nice concept, but with the year-round Texas heat, it’s really only truly enjoyable on a cool day or evening. But it’s great for running into a particular store without having to deal with the crowds or parking at the malls.
After lunch, we walked around for a little while, not really to shop, since neither of us can afford that these days. I had seen the neat red brick Town Hall building when I drove in, and really wanted to get some photos of it, so we ended up walking there. It was super bright, mid-afternoon sun…not the ideal time for photos, but I was there and I had my camera, so I had to at least give it a shot.
Definitely not a good time for photos with all that harsh light, but worth a return visit sometime in the evening light….when it isn’t so freaking hot outside, too!
It was good to get out of the house and out of hermit mode for a few hours. Red and I are going to have to force each other to do that until this latest funk passes for both of us.
I’ve been having headaches for two weeks straight. Two of which were migraines. It has not been fun. I went to the doctor this week and he said the headache that just won’t let go is likely a tension headache. Me? Tense? Ha. Ok, so I’m working on that. Meanwhile, I’ve got pain pills and muscle relaxers to help me recover.
While I was sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office, a lady and her two young children came in and joined me in waiting. I was staring at the ground or my lap mostly because the light was hurting my eyes. I heard the little girl yell what I misunderstood to be an inappropriate word. I looked to her mother and saw no response. Then the little girl, who was standing at the aquarium in the waiting room, yelled again.
“Hey Biisssh!!”
Ah, fish. Ok. Cute.
She repeated this a number of times until the fish swam behind one of the large rocks. Then, the glass-tapping began. I was about to crawl out of my skin as this was all doing a number on my headache.
When she turned away from the glass and then quickly turned back and yelled, “RAWWRR!” I didn’t know whether to cry or order a round of shots! It was like she was channeling my girl. Red!
Note to self: must have drinks soon
Addedendum to note to self: Oh yeah, having drinks for V’s bday tomorrow!
Addedendum II: Don’t take the vicodin or muscle relaxers tomorrow.
For almost a year now, I have been constantly struggling with and stressing over the constant state of chaos my house has been in. I try to give myself task lists and focus on one thing at a time, but in the end, I still end up feeling guilty and overwhelmed and throw my hands up in defeat, thinking there is no way I’ll ever get everything done.
I learned about this website awhile back and, last night, decided to look at it more closely. While some of the references and terms used initially came across as cheesey, the more I read, the more convinced I was that this just might actually work. The “flylady” starts you off with a month-long set of “baby steps” towards taking control of your home and “Finally Loving Yourself.” (See, I told you there was cheese)
Her basic principle, and the first task she has you do is to Shine Your Sink. As part of the month-long baby setps, you do this every night and it becomes a habit. Of course, the initial shining is more complex and involved things like bleach and scouring pads and windex. But after that, you just make it a point to clean your sink to shiney every night. Sounds silly, right? That’s what I thought, too. But, being willing to try anything at this point, I shined my sink at 1am this morning. I didn’t focus on the mess surrounding it, the counters that needed to be cleaned, etc. Just the sink. Emptying it out and then doing the full “shine” on it.
When I got up this morning and walked into my kitchen to make coffee, I have to admit that seeing that shiny clean sink made me smile. There weren’t dishes piled up in it, no mess there to deal with, just a clean shiny sink! It made me feel good to see at least one place in my house that was actually spotless. And now I feel more motivated to keep it that way. I rinsed my dishes and put them straight into the dishwasher after lunch today!
There’s a ridiculous amount of email reminders and such that you get when you sign up, but she does point out not to stress over those….they will become part of your routine in time. Each day you add additional steps and establish morning and evening routines. And by repeating these throughout the month, you establish them as habits. And by establishing these habits, you have a process in place to get your house cleaned (gradually at first) and then maintain it. Having read through almost the entire website, but not allowing myself to get ahead of myself, I’m convinced that this approach could work for me. Using timers to keep you focused, 15-minute decluttering, hot zones, etc. Yeah, I definitely think this could work.
I’ve got my month of baby-steps lined out as tasks in Outlook and am going to give this an honest effort. Wish me luck!
Dang it. I did it again. I wrote an entire entry, detailing my new (old) cameras, the events of the weekend, etc. I remember it quite clearly.
Only I didn’t. I dreamed it apparently. Freaking odd, this is.
Anyway, here’s a summary:
I received my other cameras last week and have named them all now. The Kodak is Dee (duaflex II). The Spartus Full-Vue (120mm) is Sparticus. And the Fotex toy camera (35mm) is Foxy. I loaded up Sparticus, Foxy, and the ever-trusty Samuel L Friday evening and headed out to the City Park in Farmers Branch. I was planning to go watch the Frozen Waffles game later that night so figured I’d go early and snap some photos at the park nearby. Only I miscalculated how much daylight I had left and ended up at the StarCenter almost a full hour early.
Turns out quite a few of us decided to show up and watch the game that night. What was supposed to be a laid-back, non-drinkfest kind of night evolved pretty quickly. Maybe those $1 shots at the StarCenter are to blame. Either way, we all loaded up and headed a little further west to meet my brother at a bar near his house so we could shoot pool. It was a fun night, but certainly became a drinkfest. I think Red and I had a shot with every round. Breakfast at IHOP so we could sober up, then I went with Duckie and crashed at his place so I wouldn’t have to drive home. It was a good night though. I love hanging out with my brother and we don’t do it nearly as often as we should.
This weekend is the girls’ getaway. I’m excited to see everyone and catch up. And my girl, Barbie, is joining us this year as well as AggieR, who couldn’t make it last year. Wheeee! Should be good times. I’m leaving work at noon on Friday and I’m not putting make up on again until Monday morning.
I was hoping to get the roll from Sparticus developed before now so I could confirm whether or not the camera is actually functioning as it should. Not to mention, get an idea of just what the set shutter speed and fixed aperture is. But since I didn’t make it by BWC in time, I’m not going to risk blowing another roll.
Instead, I’m bringing Dee with me. I got my re-rolled 620 film I ordered today. For those that don’t know (and likely don’t care), they don’t produce 620 film anymore. It is essentially the same as 120 film, the difference being the spool. So you re-roll 120 film onto a 620 spool. I went ahead and ordered a few rolls to get me started. Now I’ll have some extra 620 spools and, when I get a little braver, will go lock myself in the bathroom and try my hand at rolling my own.
Lots of meetings tomorrow, which means I’ll have to make sure I get my ass into the office. Wish me luck.
