Category Archives: Mental Health

Get a Grip

No, really.  A friend of mine and I agreed to buy and follow the assignments in this book:  Get a Grip: Your Two Week Mental Makeover.  Granted, that was more than 6 months ago, before life as I knew it took an even bigger turn for the worse.  So, now, since I’m no longer going to counseling and the SOS Group was a bust because of my insane work schedule, I thought I’d dust this book off and give it a shot.  Since it requires daily journaling, I thought it might also be a good opportunity for me to dust this blog off as well.  I know venting here has always been therapeutic for me, but I never seem to make the time for it, or for myself, anymore.  So here we go again…

To begin with, the first exercise requires that I take a moment to figure out how I really am…not the standard, “Oh I’m fine, how are you?” that comes out of my mouth every day when asked the question.  But the real, honest to goodness answer.  And then to spend some time answering WHY.  I actually have a hard time when people ask how I am because I know they don’t really want an answer other than the expected courteous response of fine, good, great, etc.  I have a hard time with the fake answer because I know I am none of those things.  I’m not fine.  I’m not good.  And I sure as hell am not great.  I’m a mess.  The WHYs?  I’ve overworked myself, thanks to my boss and her insane deadlines and expectations, to the point of mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion.  I’m sad because I know this is no way to live.  I’m frustrated because I have to pay the bills somehow.  And underneath all of that, I’m depressed because I miss my best friend, Red.  And I’m still so very pissed off at her for leaving me to deal with this shitty life all alone.

I alluded to it here when it happened, but haven’t actually written about it yet because my feelings are still all over the place.  And still so raw and hurt and overwhelmingly heartbroken and sad.  On December 1, while she was on her self-proclaimed trip of a lifetime to her dream destination in Italy, right before she was supposed to come home, my sweet friend decided to swallow a bunch of pills, some wine, and who knows what else, and end her life.  I was at the dr’s office that day, for some extreme pain I’d been having in my arms (beginnings of carpal tunnel was the guess….diagnosis was reduce my stress level and get massages).  When I left the dr’s office, I noticed I had a text message from Mr. Red.  I found that odd because he and I had not really talked at all since he and Red seperated.  My first thought, knowing that she was due to return home from her trip soon, was that maybe he was looking for someone to pick her up from the airport.  Estranged though they were, they were still civil and sharing custody of their almost-at-the-time 5 year old son.  Mr Red and Little Red had taken her to the airport to begin her trip the week of Thanksgiving.  So all I can think is that he needed me to pick her up.  So I clicked on the message to read his text…

The first few words were the worst kick to the gut I can describe:  Red just passed away in Italy.  I couldn’t comprehend what that could mean, in the split second it took to read that, my mind was trying to come up with all kinds of explanations, a car wreck, anything, and at the same time, my mind was rejecting the very idea that anything could have happened to her.  The next few lines said she killed herself by overdose and that Mr Red was at the airport heading to Italy to bring her home.  Tears were already pouring out of my eyes, but I still did not believe this could be anything but some sick joke.  I immediatley called Mr Red demanding that he take it back.  His voice was so strange, I know he was in shock.  I got to talk to him for less than a minute…he was literally boarding the plane.  He had a stop in Germany and then would be in Italy by early the next morning Central time.  I hung up the phone and screamed at the top of my lungs.  Crying.  Begging that this not be true.  It had started raining by that time.  So there I was, sitting in my car in the parking lot outside the dr’s office, screaming and howling in pain, hitting the steering wheel, hitting the seat, hitting the door, in disbelief and anguish. 

More out of instinct than any clear thought, I called my parents.  I needed to talk to someone.  I got their voicemail and left some incoherent wailing message that Red was dead.  In hindsight, not a good message to leave on someone’s answering machine.  Especially my parents who are 5 hours away.  My oldest brother, Dilbert, was in town for meetings that day and was coming back to stay at my house that evening.  So I sent him a text to see if he was at my house or still in his meetings.  I was hoping he was at my house and could come get me because I knew I couldn’t drive myself home in that state, in the rain.  He replied that he was in meeting so I said nevermind.  He must have had some sixth sense because he asked what was up.  I had to tell someone.  I had to get it out, so I responded that Red was dead.  It took me several minutes to type those three words…each letter was a dagger to my heart.  Almost immediately after hitting send, my phone rang.  Dilbert had stepped out of the meeting to call me.  I was hysterical and just kept screaming she’s dead.  she’s fucking dead.  He tried to help me calm down, figure out where I was and told me he would be at my house within about 40 minutes.  I sat in the car screaming and crying and hyperventilating for some amount of time that felt like eternity.  Finally I managed to pull it together enough to make the short drive to my house. 

I remember, I posted on her facebook page, “someone please tell me this is a sick joke.  please.”  Her aunt, who I’d never met before but heard of a few times, replied and said she was hoping the same thing.  I also had some cryptic message as my status that said something similar.  My friend, Mexigoalie, texted to ask if I was ok.  I said no, but it was not me.  It was Red.  He asked, I think as a joke, is she alive?  Again, it took an eternity to type two letters:  NO.  My mom had called by that time, trying to find out what the hell was going on.  There were so many calls and emails and text messages I can’t keep them all straight.  Other than my mom, brother, and a few friends, I didn’t want to tell anyone.  I didn’t know very much…only a few quick words from her husband.  I was convinced that he was going to arrive in Italy and find that it was all some horrible mistake.  The wrong person.  Or that she was really fine.  I just knew it.  She had to be ok.

I got a text from Mr Red in the early hours of the morning.  He was in Italy and about to go to the hospital where she was.  Next, he was there and had been given her belongings that were with her at the hospital…watch, jewlery, etc.  Letters she had left for their son.  He was waiting to see her but they were doing an autopsy.  I refused to belive it was real.  He hadn’t actually seen her yet, so there could still be some mistake.

I called him at his hotel in Italy later that night.  He had seen her.  Had held her hand.  Had told her he loved her.  She was really gone.  He was so choked up with emotion I could barely understand him.  He was there, in Italy, far from home and all alone and had just had to go identify his dead wife.  To this day, I don’t know how he did it.  He had been to her hotel to get her things there.  The mess he described in her room.  I was collapsing with grief just hearing about it.  He had to be there.  His dad was able to fly out the next day to be there and support him through this, so I was grateful for that.

It wasn’t until Mr Red got back home that I learned more details.  Apparently, she had overdosed a few days prior.  They had called Mr Red, said she’d thrown up a lot at the hotel and had her stomach pumped in the hospital.  She was pretty out of it, but they thought she was going to be ok.  He even got to talk to her on the phone briefly.  He said she slurred badly but made a joke that she guessed she was going to be in Italy a little longer than he thought.  He talked to her again briefly the next day.  I still don’t know to what degree she was conscious or even coherent.  I have so many questions, but Mr Red doesn’t want to talk about it.  But basically, he had called her aunt to see if she could come to Dallas to help take care of Red for awhile.  He was flying out to Italy to get her and bring her home.  It was the day he was catching the plane.  Literally minutes before boarding when the hospital called him back to say that she didn’t make it.  That her heart just gave out.  That she had died.  That was when I got the text from him.  He hadn’t told me anything prior to that because they thought she would be ok and he was just focused on getting her home.  That quickly, his trip had a whole different purpose.  People say it was tacky that he sent me that news in a text message.  I understand though.  He wanted to let me know but didn’t have time to talk and was about to be on an international flight.  I don’t blame him for that.

He wasn’t able to bring her body home with him.  The police had not released her yet.  There was also a big mess with sorting things out with Customs that was taking awhile.  So he came  home without her.  He was having her cremated and her ashes would be shipped to the US in a week or so.  Her family (which is another story all-together…don’t get me started) threw a fit and tried to stop that, saying they would pay to have her body shipped back, not to cremate her, but Mr Red said that was what Red wanted and he would honor that.  To hell with what her “family” wanted.  Luckily, at least they seemed to back off and accept it once they understood that’s what Red wanted (or probably more likely what it would cost to ship her body back).  That’s ugly for me to think that way, but I’ve heard next to nothing good about her family from her or anyone else so it is easy for me to think badly of them.

This is only the tip of the iceberg, but I’ve exhausted my hands (which have been almost worthless the last few weeks due to this carpal tunnel crap) and my heart enough for the time being.  I’ll write more about it tomorrow, because I know I need to get these things out.  And there is just so much that I have been hesitant to write about it because I know it could fill hundreds of pages.  I’m still constantly shifting between sadness and anger and guilt.  It’s a never-ending cycle it seems.  I keep thinking if she was here, I would kick her ass for doing this and then hug her and never let go. 

I’ve never really lost anyone I was close to before.  I mean really close to.  Not to make light of my grandmothers that I’ve lost, but that was a completely different relationship.  Red was truly the first and only REAL friend that I’ve made as an adult, since I moved to Dallas in 1998.  She was the first person I felt truly “got” me and that I “got” in return.  So much of that is in question now because I never would have even imagined she was capable of this.  There was a quote we liked that said:  Best friends, because our parents couldn’t have handled us as sisters.  That’s really how I felt about her.  She was the closest thing to a sister and I loved her as much as if she was my sister…I still do.

A message sent to someone else, but it says what I would have written here.

Right now I can’t think of her without wanting to tell her to fuck off. And that is a terrible way to feel about a best friend. I am just so pissed off at her right now. And more skeletons are falling out of the closet, so to speak. Things she blatantly lied to me about. What makes it worse is some of those things were things that didn’t sit right with me at the time, but I took her at her word…why shouldn’t I? And because of the circumstances, so many things that only her husband and I know. Things I can’t really share with others that know her or her family. So I’ve got all these crazy feelings all jumbled up. Betrayal. Anger. Sadness. Heartache. Guilt. Failure. You name it.

Red was my partner in crime. My travel buddy. My touchstone. My sanity check. My sister at heart. The one person here that I could talk to about anything and never worry about her judging me or loving me any less. She is the person who normally helps me through hard times….and I THOUGHT I did the same for her. Then she bailed on me with this big fuck you. I’m lost without her and confused and hurt at the thought that I didn’t know her nearly as well as I thought and that I couldn’t save her from her demons. And I’m pissed at her for making me feel these things.

Just such a stupid pointless tragedy…and a precious little boy who has to grow up without ever really knowing his mother.

Because I haven’t found the words…

So many things have happened in the past month, even the past year, but none of them will ever come close to the devastating loss of my best friend.  I know I need to write about it, to preserve my own memories, and perhaps as a way to help exorcise some of this pain.

I’m just not ready to do that yet.  I have entirely too much anger in me right now….which turns into guilt, which turns into overwhelming sadness, which turns into anger again.

It’s nothing like you see on tv.

Alrighty.  Where was I?  Duckie and Forensics were both on their way to my house…

And they both showed up at almost the same time.  The forensics lady walked in with her kit and started dusting for prints and taking pictures of everything.  Duckie and I stood outside for a minute while she was in the living room, then we went in and started looking around.

Clearly, my TV was gone.  There was no doubt about that.  It would be hard to misplace 56” of Samsung glory.  I didn’t really notice anything else missing.  The cabinet doors to the tv cabinet were all open, but there hadn’t been anything much in them to begin with.  My Pee Wee Herman dvds were still there.  😛

After forensics was done in my office, Duckie and I went in there so I could start looking in my files for serial numbers for the tv and computer.  It was such a mess in there already that it was hard to be sure what had been moved and what hadn’t.  I knew my BAMF camera, Samuel L, had been sitting on the desk in front of my monitor when I left that morning.  Earlier, when I discovered that the computer and monitor were gone, I automatically KNEW Samuel L was, too.  While Duckie and I were looking around the room, I noticed the burglars had shoved a bunch of stuff over on my desk, presumably to get the monitor off easier.  I was in complete and utter SHOCK to see my camera shoved to the side with all the other clutter.  THEY DIDN’T TAKE MY BABY!!!  It was a Christmas miracle!  In September.

I had to move some things out of the way on the floor to get to my files.  When I did, I saw a small black rectangle on the floor.  Again, being the crime-show-watching-fool that I am, I didn’t dare touch it.  Instead, I flipped it over with the end of a piece of paper.  It was the USB part of my wireless mouse and keyboard…which was normally inserted into the front of the computer.  Immediately Duckie and I became all excited, knowing that they had to have touched it to pull it out of the computer!  We got the forensics lady to come back in and dust it, but she didn’t seem the slightest bit convinced that she’d find anything.

Apparently she didn’t.  Not there.  Not on the doors, or closets, or any other place that she dusted.  If she did, she didn’t say so, and we never saw her lifting any prints either….assuming we would recognize that if we saw it.  She left shortly afterwards.

I had told the officer about my comings and goings that day…what time I left the house and what time I returned home.  And that there was a tree-cutting truck parked behind my house that morning.  And about the 3 guys that were standing around outside of it.  And that I had to ask them to move when, 30 minutes later, they were still standing around doing nothing and blocking my driveway.  And about the fact that I never leave Loki in his crate while I’m gone…he’s almost always outside in the back yard.  I gave her a description of the truck guys as best I could, but it was pretty generic. 

She got all my information and said a detective would be contacting me within the next day or two.  She said “this area has been getting hit pretty hard lately.  But we’re doing the best we can.”  She told me my best bet was if I could find the serial numbers and hope that the burglars tried to pawn something.  Then she left.  Duckie and I were both pretty disappointed that they didn’t do more.  I was expecting them to take MY fingerprints for comparison.  And to have dusted some of the other items that had clearly been touched.  And to go talk to my neighbors to see if anyone saw or heard anything.  But they didn’t.

Throughout this whole time, my cell phone had been ringing off the wall.  I guess Mom had the best intentions when she posted about my plight on facebook, but I was really not in any position or state of mind to be answering calls from everyone I know checking to see if I was alright.  THANK YOU, all, though for your concern!

Once the police were all gone, another neighbor came over to check on me and find out what happened.  I finally answered a call from my brother, Red Baron, and filled him in on what was happening.  And mostly just tried to calm down.  Duckie kept saying, “It’s just stuff.  At least you’re ok.  The house is fine.  Everything else can be replaced.”  I knew he was right, but I couldn’t stop crying.  Mostly I was just extremely PISSED off (and like my mother, I cry when I’m mad).  I was just so upset that my HOME, the one place where I feel completely comfortable, had been violated.  It didn’t feel like “home” at all anymore. 

Duckie and I started inspecting the back door and pretty much determined that it had been kicked in, near the doorknob.  There was about a 2 foot long split in the wood on the inside frame of the door below that.  He managed to get the door to stay closed with the deadbolt locked.  So at least I could close the house up.  When he got ready to leave, he said I could come stay at his house that night, but I wanted to go through the house more and start trying to clean up the mess.  I was trying to convince myself that I would sleep there, that these fools weren’t going to run me out of my house.  And I figured that, later, if I felt uncomfortable, I’d give V a call, since she lives close by, and see if I could crash at her house.

So Duckie left and I began the process of going through the house and checking to see if anything else was missing.  I started in the office, mainly because I was still trying to find serial numbers.  I cleared off a spot on my desk and started sorting through papers.  I had my work laptop with me and luckily my internet modem was still there and functioning, so I was able to get online and let everyone know I was ok.  And to distract myself from reality for a little while! 

As it started getting dark outside, I started getting less and less comfortable being there.  I had let Loki out and had a minor anxiety attack when I went to open the back door to let him back inside.  Shortly after that, I got a text from Jen, offering me and Loki a room at her hotel.  Apparently she had sent it earlier but to the wrong person.  So I decided I would go ahead and do that.  As I was getting a few things together to take with me, I noticed that one of my small, older digital cameras (aka the little green machine) wasn’t sitting on the shelf of my desk where it normally would be.  I checked all around and couldn’t find it anywhere.  That immediately made me think of my other small (and NEW) camera, Ruby, that was in one of my purses that I had just switched from.  I ran into the living room and found the purse in the chair…empty.  Bastards.  Add two digital cameras to the list.

By this point, around 11pm, I was in almost panic mode trying to get out of the house.  I grabbed my bag and Loki, got in the car, and headed to the hotel…

Letter writing and letting go of the past

My counselor gave me the assignment of writing a letter to my ex, aka, Asshole, about a month ago.  I resisted it and came up with every excuse not to write it, because, hell, we broke up more than 8 years ago and I wasn’t willing to admit he had any sort of impact on my life today.

After several weeks of excuses, I finally decided I would write the damn thing and get it over with.  With guidance, I finally understood that it wasn’t about Asshole.  It was about me forgiving myself for staying in that relationship for as long as I did.  And about recognizing the abuse as something I will no longer tolerate.  And about saying goodbye to the past and to stop fearing it and allowing it to keep me from moving forward.

In the process of writing it (typing), a few things came out that surprised me and made me realize that I was still suffering from the past.  All in all, it was a very emotional journey, but I am glad I did it.  The following week I had to read it outloud to my counselor.  And it felt good.  I felt like a load had been lifted off my shoulders.  I wish I’d done it sooner!

I may copy it here in the near future as a way to remind myself of my progress.

I have to stop now because I’m half watching a movie and its distracting me.  So I won’t delve any deeper into this subject right now.  😛

Things to Look Forward To

Sometimes, having something to look forward to is the only thing that keeps me going.  The day-to-day at work and sleep-filled weekends certainly won’t do it.  So, I wanted to take a moment to remind myself of some recently confirmed things coming up that I am excited about.

  1. Stephen Lynch concert this Friday – the guy is freaking hysterical. 
  2. Morrissey concert next Friday – I’ve been in love with this guy since I was about 13.  Age has been kinder to him than it has to me and he still has one of the greatest voices in music.
  3. A vacation day added to a holiday weekend – yep, I’m taking the Monday after Easter off to make it a glorious 4-day weekend.
  4. Girls Getaway Weekend – we missed it in 2008 due to a hurricane, so we’re doing it in May this year.  Added bonus is that we’re doing it over Memorial Day weekend so we get an extra day together to act like the silly girls we are!
  5. Photography Weekend Workshop – I’ve been wanting to sign up for this for the past few years but always managed to miss it.  This year, I’m registered and my friend, Flirt, has decided to join me.  We’ve already got our room booked at the B&B.  So excited!

So there.  Some positives in an otherwise dull existence.  😛

We’re supposed to have each other’s backs.

Last night, what started out as a fun-filled, pool-shooting, shot-drinking night out to celebrate the end of the audit at work, and to catch up with one of my very best friends, turned into complete and utter debauchery.  As disgusted as I am with myself over my own transgressions, what I am most upset about is that I allowed my best girl to get caught up in it.  For that, I don’t know if I can forgive myself.

Southlake

In all the years I’ve lived in the Dallas area, yesterday was my first trip to Southlake.  I met my friend, Red, there for lunch at the Cheesecake Factory.  We’ve both been in a funk and needed to get out of the house, but weren’t up for a full-swing social event with the whole gang.  So, it being daylight, I was brave enough to venture down the road less travelled.

The restaurant is located in the Southlake Town Square, which is a nice little area of shops all laid out like a little town of its own, back when streets were lined with shops instead of the giant malls and shopping centers we’re used to today.  Not exactly square though, don’t let the name deceive you.  It’s similar to what they have recently built in Garland at the Firewheel Town Center.  It’s a nice concept, but with the year-round Texas heat, it’s really only truly enjoyable on a cool day or evening.  But it’s great for running into a particular store without having to deal with the crowds or parking at the malls.

After lunch, we walked around for a little while, not really to shop, since neither of us can afford that these days.  I had seen the neat red brick Town Hall building when I drove in, and really wanted to get some photos of it, so we ended up walking there.  It was super bright, mid-afternoon sun…not the ideal time for photos, but I was there and I had my camera, so I had to at least give it a shot.

Definitely not a good time for photos with all that harsh light, but worth a return visit sometime in the evening light….when it isn’t so freaking hot outside, too!

It was good to get out of the house and out of hermit mode for a few hours.  Red and I are going to have to force each other to do that until this latest funk passes for both of us.

Musings in the Waiting Room

I’ve been having headaches for two weeks straight. Two of which were migraines. It has not been fun. I went to the doctor this week and he said the headache that just won’t let go is likely a tension headache. Me? Tense? Ha. Ok, so I’m working on that. Meanwhile, I’ve got pain pills and muscle relaxers to help me recover.

While I was sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office, a lady and her two young children came in and joined me in waiting. I was staring at the ground or my lap mostly because the light was hurting my eyes. I heard the little girl yell what I misunderstood to be an inappropriate word. I looked to her mother and saw no response. Then the little girl, who was standing at the aquarium in the waiting room, yelled again.

“Hey Biisssh!!”

Ah, fish. Ok. Cute.

She repeated this a number of times until the fish swam behind one of the large rocks. Then, the glass-tapping began. I was about to crawl out of my skin as this was all doing a number on my headache.

When she turned away from the glass and then quickly turned back and yelled, “RAWWRR!” I didn’t know whether to cry or order a round of shots! It was like she was channeling my girl. Red!

Note to self: must have drinks soon

Addedendum to note to self: Oh yeah, having drinks for V’s bday tomorrow!

Addedendum II: Don’t take the vicodin or muscle relaxers tomorrow.

Learning to FLY

For almost a year now, I have been constantly struggling with and stressing over the constant state of chaos my house has been in. I try to give myself task lists and focus on one thing at a time, but in the end, I still end up feeling guilty and overwhelmed and throw my hands up in defeat, thinking there is no way I’ll ever get everything done.

I learned about this website awhile back and, last night, decided to look at it more closely. While some of the references and terms used initially came across as cheesey, the more I read, the more convinced I was that this just might actually work. The “flylady” starts you off with a month-long set of “baby steps” towards taking control of your home and “Finally Loving Yourself.” (See, I told you there was cheese)

Her basic principle, and the first task she has you do is to Shine Your Sink. As part of the month-long baby setps, you do this every night and it becomes a habit. Of course, the initial shining is more complex and involved things like bleach and scouring pads and windex. But after that, you just make it a point to clean your sink to shiney every night. Sounds silly, right? That’s what I thought, too. But, being willing to try anything at this point, I shined my sink at 1am this morning. I didn’t focus on the mess surrounding it, the counters that needed to be cleaned, etc. Just the sink. Emptying it out and then doing the full “shine” on it.

When I got up this morning and walked into my kitchen to make coffee, I have to admit that seeing that shiny clean sink made me smile. There weren’t dishes piled up in it, no mess there to deal with, just a clean shiny sink! It made me feel good to see at least one place in my house that was actually spotless. And now I feel more motivated to keep it that way. I rinsed my dishes and put them straight into the dishwasher after lunch today!

There’s a ridiculous amount of email reminders and such that you get when you sign up, but she does point out not to stress over those….they will become part of your routine in time. Each day you add additional steps and establish morning and evening routines. And by repeating these throughout the month, you establish them as habits. And by establishing these habits, you have a process in place to get your house cleaned (gradually at first) and then maintain it. Having read through almost the entire website, but not allowing myself to get ahead of myself, I’m convinced that this approach could work for me. Using timers to keep you focused, 15-minute decluttering, hot zones, etc. Yeah, I definitely think this could work.

I’ve got my month of baby-steps lined out as tasks in Outlook and am going to give this an honest effort. Wish me luck!

Another step closer to crazy

Dang it. I did it again. I wrote an entire entry, detailing my new (old) cameras, the events of the weekend, etc. I remember it quite clearly.

Only I didn’t. I dreamed it apparently. Freaking odd, this is.

Anyway, here’s a summary:

I received my other cameras last week and have named them all now. The Kodak is Dee (duaflex II). The Spartus Full-Vue (120mm) is Sparticus. And the Fotex toy camera (35mm) is Foxy. I loaded up Sparticus, Foxy, and the ever-trusty Samuel L Friday evening and headed out to the City Park in Farmers Branch. I was planning to go watch the Frozen Waffles game later that night so figured I’d go early and snap some photos at the park nearby. Only I miscalculated how much daylight I had left and ended up at the StarCenter almost a full hour early.

Turns out quite a few of us decided to show up and watch the game that night. What was supposed to be a laid-back, non-drinkfest kind of night evolved pretty quickly. Maybe those $1 shots at the StarCenter are to blame. Either way, we all loaded up and headed a little further west to meet my brother at a bar near his house so we could shoot pool. It was a fun night, but certainly became a drinkfest. I think Red and I had a shot with every round. Breakfast at IHOP so we could sober up, then I went with Duckie and crashed at his place so I wouldn’t have to drive home. It was a good night though. I love hanging out with my brother and we don’t do it nearly as often as we should.

This weekend is the girls’ getaway. I’m excited to see everyone and catch up. And my girl, Barbie, is joining us this year as well as AggieR, who couldn’t make it last year. Wheeee! Should be good times. I’m leaving work at noon on Friday and I’m not putting make up on again until Monday morning.

I was hoping to get the roll from Sparticus developed before now so I could confirm whether or not the camera is actually functioning as it should. Not to mention, get an idea of just what the set shutter speed and fixed aperture is. But since I didn’t make it by BWC in time, I’m not going to risk blowing another roll.

Instead, I’m bringing Dee with me. I got my re-rolled 620 film I ordered today. For those that don’t know (and likely don’t care), they don’t produce 620 film anymore. It is essentially the same as 120 film, the difference being the spool. So you re-roll 120 film onto a 620 spool. I went ahead and ordered a few rolls to get me started. Now I’ll have some extra 620 spools and, when I get a little braver, will go lock myself in the bathroom and try my hand at rolling my own.

Lots of meetings tomorrow, which means I’ll have to make sure I get my ass into the office. Wish me luck.

I look for sense, but I get next to nothing.

I’m having another of those strange days where my dreams are mixing with reality and I’m confusing the two. I woke up at 2am and couldn’t go back to sleep, so I played around on flickr groups for awhile. And then I was watching the early morning news.

It gave me flashbacks to when I worked at the news station in college. And I could have sworn I blogged about it. Apparently not. I also thought FedEx knocked on my door and I went and found the package on my doorstep. But alas, no package. Work emails that I sent detailed replies to, only to find that there were no replies sent. Submitted a BeautiControl order that doesn’t exist. Then there were the city workers digging a line through my yard who asked me to bring Mazzy inside while they worked out back.

So the reality of my day is apparently this: stayed up all morning, dozed off and on and had a variety of life-like dreams, did a little bit of work, dozed some more, re-did the work emails I apparently wrote in my head. Wonder if I have already taken my medicine or not.

Oh, and I think I saw a mouse in my kitchen. Gosh, I hope that was part of the dreams. I don’t deal well with rodents. Don’t make me tell those stories.

Here I go again on my own.

It’s nice to have a pilot for a brother and the opportunity to get free passes from time to time. Not so nice is the whole idea of flying standby at the bottom of the totem pole. I just listed for my flight to Vegas on Friday. None of the flights look great, so I’m going to have to just be there for the earliest one and keep my fingers crossed. Being at the airport by 6:45am is going to suck navel lint. I’m predicting no sleep the night before since me waking up at that ungodly hour is essentially out of the question.

I’m bringing some books with me, so if I ended up sitting in various airports all day, I’ll have something to keep me entertained. I’m psyching myself up to take it in stride. As long as I actually get into Vegas on Friday, all will be well.

The wedding is Saturday afternoon and I still don’t have a clue what to wear. I have some thoughts, but need to just bite the bullet and start trying things on from my closet…which will only serve to upset me, but it has to be done.

Hopefully Mom will be more recovered from her surgery and feel well enough to get out and about some on Sunday and Monday. She wants to go to the Red Rock where I had all my slot machine success last time. And of course, I want to visit the strip since I missed it last time. Who knows what Dad will want to do….play golf probably. Only I doubt he’s bringing his clubs since they’re doing the flight passes as well and won’t want to check luggage.

Lately I keep forgetting to take my medicine and boy is it making me weird. I need an alarm or something. Probably not helping with my work right now either. I’ve been just awful this week about going into the office. Not smart considering I’m about to be out for 3 days.

Everybody’s looking for something.

I crashed after work for almost an hour this evening. Normally, I’d consider a nap to be a tiny slice of heaven, but today’s was filled with a completely bizarre dream. I actually remember a quite a bit of it, which is unusual in itself.

Apparently I was having a party at my house, only it wasn’t really my house. And lots of people I know in real life were there. And some that I don’t know. One guy was already shitfaced when he arrived and was yelling and falling down and just being generally obnoxious. And everyone else seemed to think it was the greatest thing ever, but I was seriously annoyed. Then he knocked a bunch of vases and framed photos off a shelf and everything broke and I blew up and told him to get out of my house. Suddenly I was the bad guy for making him leave.

So I ended up going to my room (also not really my room) to try and calm down and determine if I was over-reacting and why everyone was being so crazy. And it turns out another guy and his girlfriend are in my bathroom. She is laying in the bathtub and he’s coloring her hair and there is hair color all over the carpet, the tile, the walls, everywhere. I start to ask what the hell they are doing and then Duckie walks in. I tell him about crazy guy, he says yeah, that was messed up and I did the right thing kicking him out. And then some of Duckie’s friends are there and apparently now Doug lives with me and has a waterbed. Anyway, he makes some joke that one of his friends takes offense to and they get into a verbal spat and the friends take off.

Then I’m in some big loft like room, which apparently is now my living room, and people are literally tearing my house apart. They’ve scribbled on the walls, the tv, the glass of all my frames, the furniture, everywhere with those big fat sharpies and one of them is urinating on my couch. I’m beyond livid and can’t make any words come out of my mouth. All I can hear is my own voice screaming at everyone inside of my head.

Then this gush of water comes tsunami-ing out of, what I presume was, Duckie’s room. Apparently his friends, in their drunken rage, decided to slash his waterbed before they took off. And suddenly everyone is laughing, loud, slow-motion cackling that I can see but not hear, and making more drinks like this is all perfectly ok. And it’s like I am not even there. So I leave my own house and go driving around for awhile.

I come back, all my friends have left, Duckie is sitting on a chair that has a leg broken off (yet isn’t tipping over) and the house literally looks like a tornado tore through the middle of it. Everything is ruined. And I find some strange woman going through my cds and dvds and taking quite a few, claiming they are hers.

Somehow now, my house is a weird version of the trailer I used to live in, only the floorplan is reversed and I have neighbors who are all standing outside, staring at me through the back wall of the trailer, which is completely ripped open. Then Red is there and hands me my camera. And my mom is telling me everything will be ok. That these things can all be replaced. And good riddance to people who would destroy me (my home?). That people shouldn’t pretend they know more than they really do. And that families are forever.

Weird, I tell you. I can’t get it out of my head.

Modern Medicine

statue

I just found out that, a couple of weeks ago, a guy I went to high school with suffered a terrible loss.  His wife died in what can only be described as a needless tragedy.  As if any tragedy is needed.  My heart goes out to him and his children.  I cannot even pretend to fathom the amount of pain they are going through.

I understand the need for medications, and appreciate the great advances being made with them.  But I think they are handed out too freely and with too little knowledge.  I’ve seen and heard of too many examples where, especially with bipolar, anti-anxiety, and antidepressant treatments, it really seems like a game of russian roullette if not monitored extremely carefullly.  Even then, there are no guarantees.

We trust our doctors with our very lives.  They are the experts.  Yet more and more, we are told that WE should do our research on medications and possible side effects.  Where does a prescribing doctor’s responsibility end and the patient’s begin? 

Your intuition…it will lead you in the right direction.

I finally finished Blink:  The Power of Thinking Without Thinking.  It was an interesting book and confirmed a lot of things that, subconsciously, I already knew (without thinking!).

“Insight is not a lightbulb that goes off inside our heads. 
It is a flickering candle that can easily be snuffed out.”

We often do ourselves more harm than good by overthinking things and end up confusing the issue.  The real trick is learning to acknowledge those flickering candles and when to follow your gut because, as this book illustrated time and again, it rarely leads you in the wrong direction.

How many times have you done something that you initally thought you shouldn’t?  But you talked yourself, or allowed yourself to be talked, into it because all logical thought indicated there was no reason not to.  And you end up wondering why you were ever hesitant to begin with.

I’ve done it throughout my life.  Quite a few times.  And every time, afterwards, I berated myself for not listening to my own intuitions.  It would’ve saved me, and often times others, a lot of agony and unneeded stress…

I knew, before I ever met Dr H, that I would not be attracted to him.  I knew he wasn’t my “type.”  I knew after spending 5 minutes with him that I didn’t like him like that.  And never would.  Alcohol and sex can’t change that.  I knew there was more to the story with Flirt.  I knew that camera stuff was odd.

I knew, almost every time that Asshole, aka Door #3,  told me he was “working late,” or had some elaborate story about something…even a seemingly innocent story.  I KNEW he was cheating.  But I made myself wait until I had proof.  Screw proof!  I KNEW!  That should’ve been enough.

I won’t bore you with more examples.  The point is…Sometimes, you just know things.  Don’t ignore that or second-guess it or try to explain it.  It happens.  And it’s a good thing.

 

Comments from the old blog:

gak – Jul 20, 06: Daisy!!!! i totally know what you mean. have you taken the myers-briggs- type deal at http://similarminds.com/jung.html

please please tell me that you have a very high “N” because i do too… and it couldn’t reinforce the meaning of this post any more strongly.

amen sistah– listen to your intuition.

xo-
gak, ENFP

Daisy- Jul 30, 06: We had to do the Myers-Briggs thing at work a few years back. I’ll have to go dig and find my result booklet, but I’m pretty sure I was INTJ.

My very own Spartans!

Mexigoalie & Rockstar came over around 10 last night to show me his new truck and hangout for awhile. I was kind of against the idea at first as I have been in crazy-work-anitsocial mode lately.  Plus I’d already put my PJs on.  But I relented and I’m glad I did.

It turned into an all-night drunkfest, dress-up, slumberless party.  First they tried out my old cheerleader uniforms, then Mexigoalie did his best Blanche Dubois impression, wearing a full length formal belle of the ball prom dress.  I seriously can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard.  The battery in my digital camera died after about 1 picture, but boy have I got some film to be developed now!!

I didn’t even know how badly I needed that, but it felt great to let loose and laugh and completely forget all the hassles of work for awhile.  You both rock and will forever be my favorite cheerleaders! 

I am feeling every bit my age and then some today.  Oy.  After sleeping until almost 3pm (it was about 6am before we finally crashed), I have done nothing but lay around and watch movies and read.  And I needed that, too.

Mama’s got a brand new bag!

In defiance of the ridiculous hours I’ve put in this week, I took the afternoon off today.  Well, I took a couple of hours off and then came home and worked some more.  That customer issue from Monday is still ongoing and the lady behind it is making serious waves.  I think a discussion with my boss is in order because she is expecting things that we cannot, and have never claimed to be able to deliver. 

Anyway, so this afternoon I got to treat myself to a manicure and pedicure at the Red Door Spa.  I don’t think I would ever in my life spend that kind of money to do it again, but since this was a secret shopper thing, I’ll be reimbursed, so it was basically free.  Except for the time it took to fill out their survey online when I got home.  And the 4-5 weeks it will take to get repaid.

It was nice though.  I got their Sea Spa pedicure, complete with a tingly peppermint mask on my feet.  And a pretty dark burgandy color for my toenails that, after the first coat looked frighteningly hot pink.  But luckily the second coat cured that.

The lady talked a little too much for my liking….I just want to relax, not carry on a conversation.  She talked me into a french manicure for my fingernails.  I’ve never had one and since my nails are actually all relatively long right now, I agreed to it.  I’m not sure I like it though.  I just don’t see myself as a french manicure kind of girl.

I stopped by Kohls, too, and picked up a few of their little patio table things that were on clearance.  And….not one, but TWO new purses.  The most amazing part, however, is that I didn’t buy any shoes.  I didn’t even bother to look. 

I desperately need some time away from the computer.  I swear my eyeballs feel like they are on fire lately.  Hopefully this weekend I’ll get a real break and can stay away from it for a few days.  Knowing me, that’s highly unlikely.  Not that I won’t get a break but that I’ll stay off the computer.  😛