Old habits die hard…again.

I’ve managed to completely screw up my sleep cycle again.  For the past 2 weeks, the earliest I’ve gone to bed has been 3am.  Now it’s even worse because, I have not been in to work all week.  Monday I took the day off.  Yesterday and today I sort of worked from home, but mostly slept.

I get in these funks every once in awhile where I just don’t give a damn.  It’s not a good place to be.  I think my vacation triggered this.  It was soooo nice to relax and do things I wanted to do.  Going back to work just reminded me of what I was missing.  There just aren’t enough hours in the day.  Get up.  Go to work.  Come home.  Work some more.  My house is always a mess and I never do anything for ME any more. 

I think, somehow, in my mind, I figure since there aren’t enough hours in the day, I’ll just make the day longer by staying up all night.  So around 11pm I start cleaning or working on the charity hockey game that’s coming up next month or reading or browsing photos or whatever it is that I didn’t do that evening.  And then, I sleep late the next day, get to work late, get home late, and it repeats. 

At this point, I figure just make it through Friday.  Then I’ll have the weekend to try and readjust….and start sleeping in my bed again.  I could probably count on 2 hands the number of nights I’ve slept in my bed this YEAR.  I don’t know how I got into this awful habit or why.  Part of it started when I had a lot more early morning meetings and was afraid I wouldn’t get up in time.  So I’d sleep on the couch, knowing that I wouldn’t sleep as soundly and that I’d be more likely to get up with my alarm.  Problem with that is, since I’ve been doing it for so long, I sleep like a log on the couch now.

I need to learn to detach myself from the laptop (and the tv) and force myself to go to my room at a certain time each night and just STAY THERE until I fall asleep.  So that will be my task for this weekend.  Then let’s see how many consecutive nights I can sleep in my bed. 

Oh yeah.  Dr Honeydew is coming back to Dallas next weekend.  Not sure if I told that story yet or not.  Initially, he asked for a “date” and I went ballastic.  I thought we were past all that.  Apparently our time together in San Diego just re-confirmed to him that there is more between us than I am willing to admit (or so he thinks).  I’ve admitted that San Diego was great.  But I still just don’t see myself thinking of him in that way. 

I’ve talked to my parents about it and they reminded me that it’s not all about looks.  And that, while it is nice to have that attraction, it’s more important to find someone you like and respect as a person.  And to not “burn any bridges.”  My response to that was, “Don’t back me into a corner and I won’t have to!”  When Dr H asked to come to Dallas to take me out, that’s what it felt like he was doing.  Trying to put a label on “us” so that now we’re “dating.”  When I have said over and over that I don’t see a future together in that respect.  I think he hears what he wants to hear and sees what he wants to see. 

I don’t know what to think anymore.  So I told him he can come to Dallas as MY FRIEND.  And if the San Diego-like feeling happens again, we’ll go from there.  But don’t come here expecting it.  He says he doesn’t, but I am not sure I believe him.  I know I’m not helping matters any by being so wishy-washy.  There’s the tiniest part of me that wonders if we could be together that way.  But mostly, I think not.  And I’ve told him that and made it as clear as I know how that I don’t want him to get the wrong impression.

Maybe I’m just making it worse and should’ve never told him about it feeling “different” in California when we spent time together.  I don’t know.  We’ll see how his visit goes.  Less stress this time at least, so it should be fun.

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