Last night was GNO for the hockey group. We take turns planning them, so this month, Miss Hut opted to have us meet for dinner at Gloria’s. While a nice restaurant with yummy food, the timing was bad. There was an away game on at 3 and dinner was at 6. Being Stars fans, helloo….we wanted to watch the game. So a few of us made an impromptu decision to meet up before dinner to watch the game. The girls and the guys. That was fun.
Then the 4 of us girls headed to Gloria’s, where there were no reservations previously made, waited on everyone else to show up, were seated at a long table that made it virtually impossible to talk to anyone other than those on your immediate left or right. Two girls left quickly after dinner (one had a date, the other had a bday party to go to with her hubby). The rest of us decided to head over to a local bar for a few drinks where we could chat more easily.
We get to the bar and everyone is even more sedate than before. It was just an odd mix. About 15 minutes later, the husbands of 2 of the girls showed up. Normally, this would have been a serious GNO faux pas, but in this case, it was welcome. The GNO was over and it never even felt like it got started. Odd moods all around.
Dr Honeydew will be here in 4 days. And I find myself very moody and irritable. The most surefire way to make me crazy bitch woman is to paint me into a corner. This time, I think I helped hold the brush, but I am becoming annoyed with the whole situation. Suddenly now if I don’t feel like talking about any preconceived ideas of an “us” I’m acting weird or distant. Um….no. I’m acting like the FRIEND that I have always been. There is no US, remember?!
He says I’m allowed to have doubts….these AREN’T doubts. How can you doubt something you don’t even know?!?! I know he is a good friend. But stop acting like I am supposed to know how I feel about you as anything more than a friend right now. Yes, I’ve seen pictures. Yes, we’ve been talking for 2 years. Yes, I met you briefly once upon a time. Yes, we’ve had phone sex a few times. But for fuck’s sake, that’s not enough to make me all mushy lovey dovey about seeing you in 4 days. Hell, NOTHING is enough to make me all mushy lovey dovey all the fucking time. That’s not me. I might have moments, but that is not who I am 95% of the time.
When I talked to him last night I said I just want to know that no matter what, we will be FRIENDS like we’ve always been during your visit. He says of course we will. Do I believe that? No. I think it will be awkward as hell if one of us isn’t interested in anything else. Shit. I should’ve never let the past 2 months of conversation turn into this. We could’ve just met as friends, been cool, had fun. And hey, maybe we would’ve had a few drinks that might have led to more. Now everything has all these fucking conditions and strings and doubt and fantasy world bullshit attached to it.
I DON’T WANT ANY EXPECTATIONS!!!! And as much as he says there are none, I know that there are some….very high hopes atleast. If I’m not attracted to him, he’ll be all hurt and then I’ll feel shitty and then it will be all weird. Yes, based on pictures I’ve seen, I think he’s cute. Note I said cute. I’ve never dated anyone I thought was “cute.” I’ve dated people I thought were HOT. Does that make me shallow? Not necessarily. Some of the same people I thought were HOT, others thought were meh at best. I can’t help who I’m attracted to. None of us can.
I know I’ve always gone for the tall, lean (to the point of being ricidulously skinny according to others), dark haired hot guy with an edge. Tattoos, facial hair, pierced ears, blue collar. Some combination of all that. Yes, the traditional “bad boy” look. I know. So I tell myself, this guy is NOT a bad boy, I should try (again) to learn to like the nice guys. He’s tall…..that works for me. He’s also atleast 70 pounds heavier than anyone I’ve ever dated. Will that bother me? I have no idea. I’d like to think that it won’t, especially given the fact that I’m certainly not at the weight I need to be. But at the same time, that’s yet another thing that makes him so drastically different from any guy I’ve ever liked. Granted, he has a lot of GOOD qualities that are drastically different from the men of my past, too. Which is what draws me to him I think.
I just want to go back to being excited about my FRIEND coming to visit, hang out, and catch a few Stars games. And I don’t even know if that’s possible now.
This is me freaking out. It’s not a pretty, but I had to vent somewhere and this really isn’t the sort of stuff Dr Honeydew should have to hear.