Mondays almost always suck. Today wasn’t really any different. Only it didn’t suck as badly as it could have, I guess. Work was busy. Still have work that I have to finish up tonight.
I got home around 7 and have been sitting here going through the mail, looking at a magazine, and listening to the cd T loaned me. I wish it had the case to go with it (although I’m certain I wouldn’t be able to read any of it) just so I’d know who it was or to try and read along with the lyrics or something. Again, I’d have no idea what they were saying, but still. I really like this music. Definitely not going to make a copy of it. That would be wrong. 😉
Hopefully things will work out so that I can take Thursday off to go to (specific event) with friends that day. Should be fun if I can swing it.
*** This entry interrupted by a phone call from T ***
Ok. It’s now after midnight and I have all my answers. Three hours of conversation and there will be no happy couple here. Atleast not with T. He thinks I am a great person and a wonderful friend. And really his only friend here that he can hang out with. I said I am not in the habit of sleeping with my “friends” (well, there were some adventures in my youth, but that’s another story). He said yeah, maybe that was not so good. But admittedly, we did have sex the 2nd time we ever saw each other (soooo not like me). And he thought we were having fun. And we were. We were (are) friends and both happened to want sex, so he didn’t see the harm. Honestly, I didn’t either. I was convinced I was finally having “casual sex” for the first time in my life. And handling it quite well. For awhile. Until the whole feel of dating came into play and then I had to go and be such a damn girl and start having emotions and shit.
We both agreed I should’ve asked the question a long time ago (we met a year ago yesterday). But, until earlier this year, I didn’t think it was an issue. Until we started going out more. And doing couple-like things. Curling up on the couch together. Holding hands. All that mushy crap.
He said he didn’t want to give me false hope (hey Nilla, you were atleast half right! And I guess I was right about the unavailable part) but that he did not feel that way about me and didn’t think that would change. Gee…then maybe you should consider NOT saying things like (in response to conversations about my ex) “I would never treat you like that” or “I would never do that to you.” While putting your arm around me. Yeah. You wouldn’t do that to me because you had no plans of ever really dating me. Hello?!!!
I feel like such a fucking idiot right now. But am glad to have an honest answer. He said he felt bad for making me feel bad and I don’t want him to think that. I’m glad he was honest finally. I really am. Peoples’ actions (or should I say, my interpretation of those actions) don’t always match with reality. And I read way too much into things I guess. Although I won’t accept full responsibility for that. I mean, T did play a role. He may not have known it, but he certainly gave me enough ammunition to shoot myself in the foot. Or heart. Whatever.
He says he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend. Doesn’t want me out of the picture. But that is up to me. I tell myself we can try to still be friends and I can go back to the mindset I had before…that we are just having fun. And we do have fun together. And I actually have remained friends with some of the people I’ve dated in the past (Yes…I KNOW….T and I are NOT dating. I get it!!!) That I can forget all the thoughts I’ve had and we can still hang out. But I don’t know if that is realistic for me.
My first adventure into the world of casual sex and I failed miserably. What is most irritating to me is that, this is the first guy I’ve met that I actually liked since Jackass and I split up five years ago. Someone please help me wash this big clueless sign off my forehead.